BellaDonna

You've glorified him to be something better than he really is. Think about it: would you really want him if he's a flirter? Even if you could have him, you couldn't stop him from flirting with others. Being very flirtatious with other women while in a serious relationship is not necessarily a good quality in a man. As other posters have said, he probably flirts with many women. He may know that you like him and it just gives him a self-esteem boost. It's ok to think he's attractive and admire some qualities, but don't get too caught up. Focus on people that you can have- so the admiration will be recriprocal. BellaDonna

Is she mature enough to be in a sexual relationship? Using condoms is definitly a good idea simply for safety....but the concept of "hating semen" is a little odd. I mean, it accompanies the male anatomy. If she's going to be with men, semen is part of the equation..... What about "playing" in the shower. Maybe she'd be up for it since it washes away immediately? Other than that the previsuly suggested towel option might be worth a try. BellaDonna

I think if he was "the one"...you'd know. It's normal to question any decision a little bit- however you seem to already have your mind made up about him. The 2 key things you said were: IF you truly wanted to be his wife- you would not use the terms "ending up".... you'd be estatic to spend the rest of your life with him. Again, you don't sound too enthusiastic.... This tells me he's not "the one" for you. I think it's unfair to string him along and rather selfish to keep him around in case you don't find better. You're intelligent enough to listen to your feelings. Too many people get married for the worng reasons and divorce later. Be true to your feelings and I'm sure you're future will be everything you dreamed it would be. Do not settle for less. The longer you wait to end it- the more this will hurt him. BellaDonna

Has he started rejecting you since you became pregnant? I'm not saying that would be acceptable...but the reason I ask is because some men are so afraid of hurting the baby during sex that they avoid it. I had a friend whose husband was freaked out by having sex during pregnancy and he was afraid to go near her. She finally told him that his penis wasn't that big enough to could cause such damage (probably not the nicest thing to say to him) He eventually felt comfortable with oral sex btu still wouldn't have intercourse until after the baby was born. There are other men who are polar oppostites and who find pregnancy extrmely sexy. Btu some men just get scared and spooked by the miracle of life and find the whole thing too mysterious and cannot be sexual. If that's the case wiht your man, then he'll need to be snapped out of it. As for the porn- let's say he were scared to have sex- he still would have sexual needs, so he might be looking at the porn as a release. I can completely understand why this would hurt your feelings. I would advise the following however: *Don't make the porn seem like a huge deal....If he sees it as something he needs to "get away with" when you're not around- it only makes it taboo and potentially all the more exciting for him. *Tell him how you feel about this as gently as possible, even if you're enraged. I would focus more on the fact that he won't be intimate with you, than the porn aspect of it. I would let him know how you feel in a nonjudgemental way. He probably got embarrassed when you found out which might expain his harsh reaction. *Realize that most porn is marketed toward men and is produced to be shocking and explicit and that many many men watch it, for the visuals and out of curiosity. I agree with you that from the porn I've seen, there's never been anything appealing to me sexually. If anything it's been "gross" and even laughable. But there are now more and more forms of pornography that are marketed toward women which would likely not make you sick. Maybe you could suggest watching something like that together. I think the bigger issue here is that he's not being intimate with you- and that the porn aspect just rubs salt in the wound. Commuication is key in this situation. You need to get back in touch wiht one another sexually. IF you can't work it out on your own, then marriage counseling might not be a bad idea. You should not have to feel upset like this. The 2 of you should be growing closer together as you prepare for parenthood, BellaDonna

Oh my goodness- that poem made my eyes water.... I think grandparents are such a great gift to a person's life. I am lucky enough to have both sets of grandparents still here with me today, as well as a great grandmother. In many ways I feel closer to them than my own parents. I couldn't imagine life without them, though I know that time will catch up to me one day and I will be forced to feel what you are feeling now. They are such a great gift- but they are taken away too soon. Just know that you brought joy into your grandfather's life and that one day, someone will call you "grandpa". You can share that same love he gave you. It never ends. Not even time can take that away. BellaDonna

Try staying on the eliptical machine instead of switching to the treadmill, because it's easier on your joints. I would do the eliptical for 30 mintues instead of switching around on the cardio machines. You'll be more effective that way. Also exercise is only half of the equation- What you're eating is extremely important. It's good that you're cutting out fats- but keep in mind that your body requires some good fats: NATURAL Peanut butter and lite olive oil are great sources of "good fats". YOu want ot give your body controlled amounts of good fats so your body doesn't think it has to STORE fat. How long have you been doing this? IT will take time to start seeing results.... That's so great to hear- because doing it the healthy way is the RIGHT way- you can get results and maintain them. So many young women your age go about it in the wrong way. If you'd like more info- PM me. I've been very sucessful in losing fat, inches, gaining muscle and staying fit the healthy way. If you 'd like, keep a food journal for a few days and then send it to me in a PM. so I can offer further advice. BellaDonna

I'm 5'5 and I was stuck at 140 for a very long time. It was struggling to get the last 10 off- mainly stomach and thighs as you mentioned. The only thing that worked in my case was zig zagging calories and adding an extra cardio workout. 1500 calories per day, EVERY DAY is not enough for you. It makes your body think you're in starvation mode- so it is holding on to those last few pounds. Try 1800 for 2 days then go back to 1500 for 2 days, etc. Zig zag them. Of course make the calories come from HEALTHY foods. Make sure you get equal amounts of carbs and protein in your meals. Give yourself a cheat meal once in a while too (no more than once per week)- believe it or not it acually helps to break the plateau. The key is to train your metabolism by tricking your body into thinking it can eat whatever it wants, so it doesn't store. Try adding another session of cardio each week. I never do more than 30 minutes at a time. Now that you recently starting doing weights, you should see a difference too. When you train your muscles they burn calories while you're at rest. Give it a little time. Also check your bodyfat percentage- because the scale doesn't always tell you the whole story about your progress, BellaDonna

It sounds like she likes to get attention from you. She uses you when she needs someone to listen, or when she needs a self-esteem boost. Then once you try to have even a friendship with her- she runs away. It doesn't sound like she is someone that even knows how to have a reciprocal relationship of any kind. I would not advise even being her friend- she is one-sided. She comes around when it's convenient for her and doesn't have any regard for who she may hurt. You're better off keeping that door tightly closed. Those things didn't just come to you- you earned them. She doesn't understand the concept of behavior (both good and bad) leading to consequences. She is jealous- and it shows that she really doesn't care if she resents you for your success instead of just being happy for you. You're best bet is to forget her, and open yourself to new possibilities and the potential to share happiness with someone else. BellaDonna

It might not have been soemthing she did in her previous relationship, or she might of had a bad experience with giving oral sex. I don't think you'd be rude if you came right out and asked, but it's the way you ask that's going to make a difference. She may not think you like it if you have not asked for it. Sensual massage might be another good way to start off so she'll get used to touching you more. Since she enjoys receiving oral sex, she doesn't seem too inhibited. Try to see if she'd be willing to have a 69. Let her know you would love to have that same sensation. If you ask and she seems defensive about it- then have a talk to figure out why (I agree that OUT of bed is the best way). You'll never know unless you ask. BellaDonna

Hopefully your GF will do soemthing about his behavior towards her NOW and stop him in his tracks before he gets a chance to take it to that level. If he comes after you- you should call the police. Should that day come, report ANY threats he made and anything he does. You could get a no contact order against him if he ever acts inappropriately towards you. BellaDonna

Maybe he's holding back because he was hurt by his ex and does not want to give too much too soon. I don't think this is about YOU at all. When I first met my husband- he was not the "affectionate type". It took time for him to feel comfortable enough to open up and be affectionate outside of the bedroom. In the beginning I still KNEW he loved me because he would do other things to show his affection such as laugh with me, tease me in a loving way, help me out when I needed it. He would tell others how much he cared about me and it would get back to me later. He came around after we were together for about a year. Is the "distance" you speak of just physical? Do the 2 of you have good conversations? He did tell you he loved you so he seems to express himself at least somewhat. Will he fall asleep afterwards, or does he just jump up get dressed and leave the room? Not all men are cuddlers....sometimes they just like to take a nap after, but if he can fall asleep next to you (without necessarily cuddeling), it's still a good sign. I think that fact that your BF is very affectionate with his daughter is a another good sign- it shows he is capable of that kind of love as long as he trusts in the person. For a man to be affectionate, he takes on a certain vulnerability. Since he was hurt so badly before, he might just be playing it safe/cautious right now. 5 months is not all that long, even though you knew him before, the relationship itself is still young. I would try testing different kinds of affection with him and see what happens. For instance, send him a romantic e-mail or a nice card in the mail. Some men are better with words than with cuddeling. If he does act affectionate physically- reward the behavior. If he has no problem being affectionate during sex- try to prolong the foreplay in the beginning with massage, etc. I would give him a little more time and see if he comes around. If he still can't meet your emotional needs after that, then you'll need to make a tough decision. BellaDonna

You did the right thing by giving him that ultimatum. He sounds like he has issues. I wouldn't bother going into that e-mail account agian if I were you. He's trying to woo you back in his own twisted way. But he wants you back under the same old circumstances. I really do think he wants to have his cake and eat it too. You shouldn't be part of this cake anymore. You're only going to get hurt in the end. I would do what you're doing: be polite. Treat him like any other colleague. However if the notes continue then next time you bump into him in the hall alone tell him to stop and that you think it's inappropriate. If he still doesn't stop you might want to consider another job. BellaDonna

I know a woman who is going through the same exact right now with her husband and a neighbor. I think it's really really sad, and I don't think it does the kids any good at all. The similarities in the stories are scary....lol. I think sometimes cheaters do still "love" their partners....but one thing is for sure: They consciously decide to take their partner for granted. They consciously decide that it's ok to risk losing the relationship, and they consciously decide the violate the commitment of the relationship. So while they might "love" the person, they are not loving her/him in a healthy or caring way...it's more of a selfish love, in which they want to comfort/stability their spouse provides but they don't want to make the spouse their #1 priority. It isn't true love. BellaDonna

If you are broken up with your GF then you're not violating the relationship, per se. I'm not sure exactly what you mean by a "break". Were you just taking time off yet staying committed, or were you broken up? It could certianly complicate things if you and the ex plan on getting back together in the future. If you found out she did the same, would you be ok with it? BellaDonna

That happened to me once and I got very scared and went to the doctors immediately. She stated that nothing was wrong and that I might have gotten a small tear or broke a blood vessel... That can happen during sex, even if nothing hurts. If you go they will check for STD's and also give you a pregnancy test. The bleeding could be normal, but it could also be serious. You're better off safe than sorry. Get checked. It will give you piece of mind. BellaDonna

Well ,from reading your post only one thing sticks out as to why this may be so. At age 16 or younger, you primarily meet people at school, through friends, or in casual social settings. You mentioned that you've talkd to girls at clubs or on the internet, but maybe you are your best when you are in more casual settings. Your personality probably shows through more. It's probably not that you've "lost looks", it's probably just the setting. You might shine more if you meet someone by chance, in a small group, or through a friend. You'll probably find someone when you're not even trying to look. I've had many single firends that have tried the whole dating scene and went out on Saturday nights with the intention of trying to meet someone, with no luck. Some of them got very frustrated and decided to stop "trying"...then when they least expected it- they met someone. BellaDonna

No problem. Glad I could help! I just remembered- when you initially call some organizations they might be a little suspicious of you because they might think you're a stalker yourself- especially if you call a shelter. (Sometimes violent men will call shelters in disguise to try to find out there GF/wife is so they can hurt them again) You might have to do a lot of explaining before they give you info. I'm sure you can get it though because you're just asking for general resources, not locations or anything. A general women's resource center in her area should have most of the information you need. BellaDonna

I would say don't mention it beforehand- unless she brings the topic up- if she brings it up it means she wants to talk about it anyways...and she trusts you. But if you bring it up and tell her you're "researching" - it might make it seem like a "bigger deal" or more interfering. While this is a serious matter, you don't want to make your role in it too intense for her. If you collect the resources, it's more powerful to say you're worried about her and then present them right then and there. It will give her something tangible. What might be a good idea is a nice day or evening out first, where she enjoys herself. Then later on you tell her how much you care about her and that you don't want to pressure her, based on what she tells you- that you're really concerned about her and you collected some information that you think can help, and you hope she'll at least take a look at it. Tell her you consider her a friend first and foremost, and that you'd do this for any of your friends. Then give her some space and see what happens. If you can get a name of someone, preferably a woman- so she can have an actual person to call, that would be best. You can say "so and so has helped many women going through the same thing you are, and she said she'd be more than happy to talk to you about options". BellaDonna

Views about morals and right and wrong will vary from person to person. When you throw sexuality into the mix it usually becomes even more complicated. Although I would not personally do what you mentioned- I still don't think it makes you a "bad person". I guess you should ask yourself (not others)if you hurt anyone in the process, how YOU feel about it, etc. I would agree that women are often labeled with the "s" word- but my question is what about the men who are equal, agreeing counterparts....? So I guess that would make the ex, the brother, and the cousin an "s" too....? It's all about how this makes you feel, not anyone else's opinion. At the end of the day- it's how you feel inside. If you feel "bad" then keep that in mind for future behavior, for your own self. If you are fine with it- then don't let others bring you down, BellaDonna

I agree. I think your best bet is to direct her to objective resources that can help her. Maybe the police station is too intimidating for her right now and a counselor from a woman's organization would seem less threatening. They can give her the confidence she needs to go to the police. Your role right now might be something like picking up brochures and getting names/contacts of places and people in her area that can help. You want to convey that you're worried about her and care for her- but you also don't want to give her stressful pressure because she already gets that from him. You sort of need to be an advocate, but a gentle one, if that makes any sense. Have you ever met her father? He seems to be active in this. Maybe you can convey your concerns to him in a conversation and he'll take a bigger role in getting her help, and he won't be over-stepping his boundaries because he's her father. One conversation with her father out of concern for well-being (if you ALREADY know him) is not interfering. BellaDonna BellaDonna

Don't feel inferior to her because you have ADD. She should like you for YOU. If anything, she may think you're too young for her- or maybe not. However, I doubt that ADD will get in the way, that's not something you need to disclose. Just be you. Also, on your post your tone sounded down. Don't criticize yourself because you didn't finish high school. You can ALWAYS get your GED and still go to college. In my job I work with many, many ADD students who are very sucessful in college, although high school was often a struggle for them. You don't need to be in college to have a good conversation. I'm sure you have other talents and other topics to talk about. Start being CONFIDENT about yourself- confidence is attractive. BellaDonna

Also, even if it DID indeed stop one day, a month from now- a year from now...why in the world should she have to deal with the abuse until he DECIDES he's done torturing her. That's no way to live.... As you might notice I have zero tolerance for a person like this. I think he should be facing consequences NOW and have his behind raked over the coals. BellaDonna

He shook his own child- a small, innocent, vulnerable being, his own flesh and blood. He obviously has major major anger/aggression/violence issues. I fear that someone that sick will not heal with only time, and the more time that goes by- the more the risk can increase. I'd almost worry if he suddenly became quiet- it would mean his mind was at rest because he convinced himself he found a solution- god forbid if he plans to hurt her. It would he nice if this could all just ware off/ go away but I worry if your GF waits around for that to happen- it will only place her and the young child at further risk. This is not an emotional teenager still learning about life and dealing with a breakup in high school- this is supposedly a "man". He's acting this way toward someone he "loved" (scary) and also took the violence out on his own child. He might have the mentaility that if "he cant' have her...no one can". I hope and pray it never comes to that. I think she should play if SAFE and take care of this situation legally right now. She clearly thinks he is capable of killing her as you mentioned before she saved the message. That is very , very troubeling. BellaDonna

I'm not exactly sure about the context of your Saturday advice...but.... I don't think you should call a woman on Saturday if you want her to go out Saturday night. Us women usually like to be prepared. Give her at least a days notice to show her you respect her time/schedule. Being spontanous can come in later- once you know each other better. As far as turn offs- I agree that talking about your ex- or simply talking about yourself too much without showing interest in the other person could be a real turn off on a first date or meeting. BellaDonna

Feelings are not right or wrong...they deserve to be recognized. What you are going through is a normal grieving process. However, what is "wrong" is to let yourself get hurt even further. Do not contact him for his birthday. He is not ready for that and you will likely get disappointed in his response to you. NC is really the best way. If he changes his mind, I'm sure you'll be the first to know. However, don't wait around either. Every day is a gift and every moment can never be replaced. I know it's hard but try not to sit around pining over him. Live for YOU. IF it's "meant to be" then he'll come back. OR maybe he is leaving your life because fate has something bigger in store for you. Maybe you're supposed to have a baby with a different name, maybe Mr. Right is out there somewhere else, and the moments you spend in despair over Mr. Wrong prevent you from reaching that point of happiness in your life. Try to keep your heart open and clear to other possibilites as you heal, BellaDonna