Beyondthesea

Oh Star, your story brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry about what happened. This was not your fault, just bad luck. The poor little guy. You had no reason not to let him out, as you said it was nice and he normally sticks very close to home. In this situation, all of us would have done the same. He's certainly at peace and doesn't blame you for what happened. I'm sure he loves you very much and is in no pain now. BIG HUGS!

Ashley love, he isn't going to stop doing this. He already told you he wouldn't and was back on the site again! If he really loved you, he wouldn't have done this in the first place, and he certainly wouldn't have gone on there again after you asked him not to. I really would say don't marry him. This isn't going to make him stop, he certainly has no loyalty to you at the moment. I realize you are pregnant and scared, but is there no one else for you to turn to? What about family and friends? Would they not help you out with the baby a while? I really advise not to marry him. We women always have this 'happily ever after' going around in our heads, thinking that they will change once the wedding vows are given. Not the case. Seriously rethink this. He's on a swingers website, who is to say he hasn't already slept with someone? I don't want you to be upset, but really think this through. Don't trap yourself with him.

Well I have a 100% guaranteed method for you: 1. Arrange date with fiance 2. Go out, buy 'date clothes' and make sure he's dressed up like a punk 3. Go to a drive in movie 4. Make out, fool around, have sex 5. Within 2 days you will be pregnant with twins Just some humor

Hi blue, I have followed your posts, and I can honestly say I'm glad to hear you have made your decision to leave. No it's not easy, but you are definitely making the right decision. Divorce won't be easy on you, as you've said. But you will feel better in time. You will mourn the relationship just as any other, after all the two of you were together for 20 years. I'm glad to hear you feel confident in your decision and good luck today at the hospital.

If you don't love your gf, leave. That's the smartest advice. You're hurting her indirectly by having feelings for someone else, and you've already cheated on her before with this woman. It seems you're just staying because you've decided to settle with your gf provided nothing better comes along...not a very nice life for your gf!!! She deserves someone who will love her and treat her the way she deserves. Leave.

If you really love your girlfriend, why are you even considering going back to your wife now? In reality, it sounds like you just love all the relationship excitement that is going on. If you really love your current gf, you wouldn't be putting her through this, just as you wouldn't have done this to your wife if you really loved her. If I was your gf and you were considering leaving me for your wife, I would drop you flat. (Of course, I certainly wouldn't have agreed to this to begin with). Overall, I think the relationship swapping should be done now, it has only hurt everyone involved.

I can honestly say my ex is bothered by my successes and triumphs, but then again he was abusive. A normal person isn't like that.

My revenge is living the happy, fulfilling life I always knew I'd have without him.

Whoa really NJ? I would so confront him about it. He denied it: that's where I would say I found out he was going to meet someone. Certainly it's going to cause a fight, but it sounds like one may be in order unless he can explain himself.

I'm certain she will be alright. I know a fair few people who have had this done at an older age and were fine. They wouldn't even offer the surgery if there was a poor chance of survival. Good luck and I'm praying for you

I sort of agree with things should just 'fit together' a bit better if you are compatible. Of course you don't have to like all the same things and you don't have to be identical, but you should have some common interests. If it's at the point where you can't even pick a movie you both agree on, then it's definitely just incompatibility. You can stay together if you are incompatible, but it's definitely not the most easy going ride. Fighting a lot isn't good either, be sure you are both choosing your battles instead of arguing over every little thing that comes along. Talking about issues before they get heated is the key. There's no reason to have a huge argument about anything in my opinion. You are both adults, you can talk it out without getting out of control. Give it a while as well, you both seem to be quite eager to make things work.

Honestly I would get checked over before stopping them cold. A lot of people have bad effects from stopping suddenly. Check with your doc first.

it's like i fear the change. i want her and feel good when i think of having her with me at the house and playing with my poodle i already have. then when i think of actually having her, i get scared. Hmmm. Well if that's the case, maybe it would be good for you to go and get her. The change will be scary at first, but you'll prove to yourself that it's ok over time, and you will adjust as well. It is alright to feel this way, you have been through a lot lately it seems, and that is enough to make anyone feel out of sorts and not like themself. Remind yourself how well the puppy fit into your home and how happy you were to have her. Would she really be that much extra hassle? Definitely not, and she will keep your other dog company as well. They'll be buddies I'm so sorry you are feeling so questionable about the whole situation. You sound like you are very sincere when you say you want her. Do you feel you are capable of caring for her? You sound like you love animals, and would be a better owner to her than most. The two of you could be a good team

Truly I didn't mean to come accross as harsh. I just feel really badly for animals!!! Yes it does seem that this is stemming from your rough ride the past while, and it's good that you pieced that together on your own. Don't feel that you can't make a good decision on this because of that, you truly know the right thing to do. As you said, you are being careful emotionally right now, and that is also carrying into everyday life for you, which is good. Lessons learned and carried forward are always great. Again, sorry if I came accross as harsh. I am a huge lover of animals and I have been hearing a lot about animals being put 'here and there' a lot lately for some reason and it really struck a nerve. You know what to do And I'm 23 going on 50 it seems. I'm too old for my own good

Why couldn't you commit to the dog? And I would make up your mind because it's not fair to the poor animal to be tossed from home to home, it confuses and upsets them. Simply, you either take the dog or not. Make up your mind by weighing the pros and cons. How old are you?

He wants the attention and is bored with the routine of marriage. Unfortunately, married men who are out looking for someone else aren't looking for a relationship, they are looking for a mistress. I would tell him it's not appropriate for him to be pursuing you and if he continues you'll phone him up and talk to his wife.

I'm so sorry you are suffering so badly, but it does NOT have to be like this! Honey, you don't love him, this is relationship addiction. You are addicted to the highs and lows of the relationship, and with trying to make him love you. I guarantee this will not happen. I was also in an abusive relationship, and it was also severely abusive. I am now out and free. We lived together, he wouldn't let me do anything, and he beat me quite often. He was also frightening emotionally abusive, convincing me he loved me but that I had flared his temper so it was my fault, etc. I stayed 7 years before I left. There is absolutely NO reason for you to stay and endure this type of life. Where is your family? Do you have no one else you could stay with? link removed Go to "articles" then read "Identifying losers in relationships." I know it sounds silly, but it's a very serious article and it's also written by a psychologist. Do you know how to delete your internet access so he doesn't know you are coming here? Let us know and we can help you. Honey, from being there I can say this: life doesn't have to be like that! Men are not like that! I now have a wonderful fiance and I'm so happy and excited about life! I know you say he is good to your children, but that won't last. Soon he will begin with them as well, and you will be powerless to stop it. Inaction is causing your suffering love. Do something about it!

I'm praying this is all a dream and i'll wake up from it and realize it never actually happened and I'm back to being happily married and madly in love.....am I stupid or what???????????????????? No you're not stupid honey, you are human. You are feeling and caring, and that's why you don't understand his behavior towards you. I can't win so whats the point in trying to fight. Honey, here's the best advice I can offer: Do NOT allow yourself to get into the frame of mind that you cannot win and that you should bow down and walk on eggshells to have some peace. I did that, and can honestly say things were much worse once I allowed him to 'take over' me. Once I started avoiding topics, people, conversations, etc, that is when things got really bad, and I started to give up. I was convinced I would stay in this relationship, angry, in pain and dying inside forever. Why? Because the moment you threaten to leave, they temporarily alter their behavior. It's sick! I can guarantee that if you say "I'm leaving" he will beg, plead, cry, promise to go to counseling, promise to change, etc. Then be good about 2 weeks, then it starts over again because you will do something to 'upset him.' It's really a vicious and confusing cycle, I have no idea how I made it out with any sanity intact. The second thing you need to do: TELL SOMEONE. You must make sure someone (a close friend, relative, your family, etc) realizes what is going on. They need to know so that if things start to get out of hand, you have a safe place to go to very quickly. You should always have a 'safe bag' packed and hidden with a few days worth of clothes etc in case he raises his hand to you again and you need to escape in a hurry. I know right now this is all very overwhelming and confusing, but try to take my advice into account and realize that this cycle is going to continue. Have a safe place to go on a moment's notice, start seeing a counselor to get your head on straight, and remember that unfortunately the only way to end this is to get out. When you are ready to leave, you can. I wasn't ready for 7 years. I wish I would have pushed myself earlier on in the relationship to leave, but I was very head strong and convinced I could help him change, and he assured me that was the case as well. thereforeeee, whenever something went wrong, it was my fault he 'relapsed.' Don't let him play with your head, don't allow yourself to be convinced you are in the wrong (This will ALWAYS happen at the end of an argument) and don't allow him to isolate you. PM me if you'd like, I've so been there, and helped a number of women with emotional support in these relationships. HUGS!

It's time for counseling friend, there's no reason to bottle up all your emotions and express them in this unhealthy manner. Have you seen a counselor before? You don't need to live like this with so much pain and anxiety friend. BIG HUGS!!!

Yes go to the doctor. It's not healthy to lose 9 pounds per week. You could have something as simple as hyperthyroidism, which is easily treated with medications. Do go though, don't wait. Health is nothing to fool with.

Wow that's a rough situation. If it doesn't get looked into seriously, I would start 'heading up' above this one detachment. Look into who is the head of the place and contact them directly.

I need him to accept at least some responsibility for his actions and he just seems to refuse to do that. That is whats worrying me, This is exactly what should be worrying you, I'm glad you realize that. Did you read the article I posted? I assure you it's not junk, it's written by a psychologist. If nothing else, it's very interesting! I feel so tempted to give in just to put an end to the atmosphere but I know if I do then I'm saying its ok for him to be like that towards me because it will be my fault. That's exactly right honey. His behavior is his choice, that's the truth. No one can 'make you behave' in any sort of manner. It's always ourselves that choose our behavior.

Hi patch, Sorry to hear things turned out like this. 7 1/2 years...she was nagging you about marriage, ready for a commitment and you weren't. I can see why she started to distance herself from the relationship. That's a long time to go with no commitment and no promised future, especially when you showed you weren't wanting to get married yet. I know it's not much consolation, but apparently you two weren't meant to be. If you were, things would have progressed a bit quicker and you both wouldn't have had doubts about the relationship. What the smartest thing to do is 'no contact.' Do not contact her, talk to her, etc. That is the surest way to start to heal, and if she really cares, she will return. Don't return phone calls, emails, etc. Take care of yourself right now and don't beg or plead. Big huuuuuugs!

My abusive ex also admitted he had a problem to everyone, but that didn't mean he believed it himself. He went to anger management, counseling sessions, group therapy where he cried about how terrible he felt...then came home and abused me. He was a classic manipulator of me and everyone else. He also told me he was so sorry and felt so terrible. The day I left was because he hit me and then was crying while yelling at me that it was my fault...uhhhh huh. I think Beth because you haven't been abused you don't understand that there is probably something wrong inside of him that is likely unfixable, and his blaming her is the way for him to keep on the upside of the situation. I truly believe that if an abuser wants to change is one thing, but mostly they don't. Why would they? It has advantages for them: they dominate someone else, get what they want, vent every frustration they have about everything, etc. It's like giving a child a popcicle everytime they scream. What do they get? Compliance and walking on eggshells to make sure you can mentally survive in their presense. Everyone in an abusive relationship initially wants to stay because they believe they are the 'key' to change this person's life and help them. You also believe that in the end they will thank you and apologize for all they have done to wrong you and you'll live happily ever after. Overall Newlywed, this has only happened '10 times' or whatever, but have you thought about how it has escalated over time? This last time was the worst I assume...it will continue to get worse I'm afraid darling. Even if he goes to counseling, etc I would refuse to stay with him until he has gone for some time. Behavior problems don't change overnight or with threats. It takes years. Just my 2 cents.

The thing you need to ask is WHY are you feeling so needy? Does she not provide for your emotional needs, or is this a recurring theme in your relationships? If it's a recurring theme, then the problem is with you and you must deal with that. You're destroying a good relationship by being clingy.