Beyondthesea
-
Posts
1,564 -
Joined
-
Days Won
1
Content Type
Profiles
Forums
Articles
Videos
Blogs
Store
Everything posted by Beyondthesea
-
Exactly. It's up to you who you marry, when you get married, etc. To heck with what everyone else thinks. Rose, I just knew my fiance was the one for me when we danced. The moment we started dancing and we pulled one another close...I'll never forget it. I can still feel the way his arms felt around me... Then when we were talking, the way we looked into one another's eyes...we were both crazy about one another!!! I can honestly say that if only I had realized what it was 'supposed to feel like' I would have ditched 'non-the-ones' without working so hard trying to 'make them fit.' That's what another big thing was too...we moved in together basically right away (within 3 months) and we got along perfectly. Whenever something isn't right, we work it out immediately. Amazing. You WILL know when 'the one' comes along. I never believed it either!
-
I believe whoever is paying has a say in what is done or not...since my family isn't, it's up to my fiance & I what flies!
-
the moment I saw him again, I knew he was the one *smiles* That's me too. You know what, to heck with what everyone else says. I haven't dated my fiance very long, only a year. But you know what? If he would have asked me to marry him within a few months of the relationship, I would have. I KNEW, and so do you it appears.
-
And I want you to know, the first month was hell. He phoned me at all hours, screaming in my ear. He showed up pounding at the door, showed up places I was at, followed me, left me notes, engagement rings, send flowers, phoned, cried, begged and pleaded, went to all sorts of treatment, etc. It's all a joke when they are that far gone mentally. Sadly you have to be the one to stand up and say enough is enough. The relationship isn't continuing, and you don't want to see her anymore. when she says "I'm going to kill myself" say "well I'll phone an ambulance in 5 minutes" sort of thing. Immediately she is going to try talking to you over and over again. Everytime she phones, don't answer, hang up, etc. If she shows up places, leave and go home. Your family should NOT allow her in the house and should threaten to call the police. It honestly gets absolutely out of control, that's why you have to do something now. And by the way, my ex didn't kill himself. He's still out torturing people everywhere. I'm sure your ex will do the same once she's done putting on a show for you.
-
Honestly, I'm going to tell you this straight: You are the reason this is continuing. I broke up with my abusive ex. He called everyday, followed me everywhere, phoned all my friends and relatives, emailed me, showed up at my place, threatened to kill himself...and I IGNORED IT ALL. Everytime I saw him, I would not speak to him, I wouldn't explain anything to him, I wouldn't bother. Break it off and STRICT, STRICT, STRICT no contact. you are being the sucker. That's why she's sticking around. She knows you think, "well she'll kill herself." If she does, I'm sorry but that's not your problem. Everyone has their own choices. What to do: Phone her, talk to her parents and tell them you are breaking up with her and that you want them to know so they will support her better. Strict no contact from then on, and refuse all contact. I mean it, that's the only way this will end.
-
I just got engaged, and can honestly say that my parents were all over me with details and complaints about who should be invited or not, but other than that I have blatantly told people that if they don't like it, don't come. Sadly you have to set boundaries. Your friends must be immature if there's arguments over who will be the maid of honor. Tell everyone that it's your wedding, period! But why do people think he's not right for you? That's more what I'm curious about.
-
My first instinct: Too much drama for this to be a real relationship. You two don't have adequate communication to keep a relationship going. This 'off and almost on' stuff is preventing you from healing and moving forward. Personally, I wouldn't waste anymore time or effort. Just forget her and move on.
-
What IS this? *****************
Beyondthesea replied to Sally00's topic in Health: Body, Mind and Spirit
I'd go back to your doctor since new ones are forming, or to the emerg and let them fix you. They have to find out what the issue is. If you have the time, that's what I'd do. -
As I understand however, to teach you need a degree; what would be the best course of action to make my career possible? I'm thinking an A-Level equvilent in Japanese and a degree in a form of English. I live in Canada, and can honestly say that there are posters and flyers and meet ups everywhere about being a teacher overseas...and you need some sort of post secondary, that's it. You can have any degree, certification, etc and they will accept you as a qualified English teacher there. Definitely do look into this further. Talk to some qualified professionals. Search for some stuff online and see what comes up.
-
I live in the UK so education advise may not be possible for some of you to give. My dream career would to learn fluent Japanese, earn a qualification in it and become a full time intepreter abroad in Tokyo; how could I accomplish this? If you are unhappy, there is nothing wrong with switching jobs. Do it while you can, while you're young and not attached to anything. If I were you, I would contact the university closest to you and ask to speak to a guidance counselor/career counselor. Your dream isn't out of range, I know many people who are overseas teachers, especially in Japan/China. In fact, I know a Japanese girl who is a full time interpretor. If that is what you want to do, make it happen for yourself. Nothing is holding you back but your frame of mind.
-
Good girl. I'm so sorry he found you on here and had such an outburst thought. Hilarious the counseling thing isn't it? That's how they try to prove they've changed overnight. oh brother. mine went to anger management, abuse intervention and personal counseling and nothing worked...why? Because they don't want it to in my opinion. Overall, I'm so happy you are coming to the realization this isn't going to work, ever. I just want to make sure you know what you're up against: he will cry, beg, plead, swear he's changed (and pretend for brief moments) then his true colors will show through when he's frustrated with you. He will follow you and phone you and email and bother you, hoping to change your mind. DON'T BOTHER. I went back and it never changed, only for about a week then it would all be a rerun. keep posting. He'll really mess with your head right now. Do NOT contact him for any reason. If you need to get things from the house, be escorted by male friends. NEVER GO WITH HIM ANYWHERE ALONE. Now is the time he is even more potentially dangerous.
-
You are not crazy, and you are not alone. I was also in an extremely abusive relationship, I couldn't function on my own or with my ex because I was absolutely under his mind control. I assure you there is nothing you can do to make her want to leave. They need you to continue the cycle of abuse. It takes a lot of time and effort to condition someone so much to accept that behavior. You need to make plans, and remind yourself that you can do it. You can get out. I started reminding myself how strong I am. I started having inspirational quotes in my purse and all around me. Put money away, keep bags packed for you and the kids, and be prepared to run when you are ready. I know it's hard, it's SO hard, and no one who hasn't been through it will ever understand...but I have, and here I am. It was also 7 years for me. Big hugs and mucho love.
-
My ex always said "if only you'll meet me here/talk to me now/do whatever I want, I will leave you alone." Whenever I did those things, more demands were made. The more you contact them/talk to them, the more they follow you. I refused every single contact with my ex. He would leave me provoking messages and emails and all sorts of nonesense and I ignored it all. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but I walked out with the last laugh regardless of what he thinks.
-
Honey, it's not trust issues. It's the fact that he's a walking issue. Trust me, I wasted so many years...it sickens me now. I was thinking about it yesterday actually, wishing I had walked many years earlier. Why on Earth did I stay so long and waste so many years of my beautiful life? Sadly, the choice is always ours. By the end, I was also doing what you are doing...being sarcastic and uncaring, because I just didn't care anymore. I hoped he would leave, but of course he wouldn't. He needed me to continue his sick little cycle, and of course yours needs you as well. He sees you are hanging on by a thread, and that's why he does the "can't we just have a nice day" routine after he has started an argument with you. Remember, you don't need this and you can escape if you choose.
-
Definitely get help. You really don't need to deal with this. You have tried to get rid of him to the best of your abilities. If I were you, I would move if you want to. However, I would definitely resolve this whole issue first. You need a clean slate from this guy.
-
Not sure about therapy at all
Beyondthesea replied to renaissancewoman101's topic in Emotions and Feelings
I just want to mention that your therapist can't help you if you don't tell the truth. You have to tell her the truth about how he's abused you in the past, how you have shut him out of your life, the way your family has treated you, etc. It's all a part of the problem, right? I used to go to counseling and hide certain things, namely about the abuse I was enduring at the time. My counselor really was delving into my issues with my parents, thinking that was what caused my sudden anxiety and panic attacks, when in reality it was being in the abusive situation I was in. Overall, tell the truth, offer whatever info you can, and remember they only want your greater good. -
There is nothing rational in that person. That's exactly true. I had thought I was dealing with someone normal, because up until the abuse started, he seemed normal!
-
I've been abused by family members so I associated it with being a normal relationship. Funny how some abusers show absolutely no signs to start with. Well, actually my ex didn't show me any warning signs until about 6 months in, and by then, I was really hooked. He had treated me like gold until then, so I thought I must have done something wrong. Jeez guys, I'm really starting to feel attacked in this thread.
-
Abusive people want someone to look down on. No matter how hard I worked, there was always something new for him to blame me for, so he could continue to look down on me. And he had to try very hard to make things he could blame me for, because I had much more success in life than he did. Exactly. My situation as well to a tee. It's sick and sad and repetitive. Honestly, it's hard to believe these problems are even real. Could you ever be so mean and cruel to someone else? I know I couldn't. That's the thought that kept me on the way out the door. I also used to get reprimanded for all my 'wrongdoings' when i wasn't doing anything wrong! "If only you had done/not done/would be more/ then I wouldn't have hit you/hurt you/abused you/made you cry." Interesting how that works.
-
IAG, no worries. This is a forum and everyone states their opinion and I have done likewise. I have stronger opinions on the subject since I have been severely abused in the past. Also I know you think I have a 'few psyc courses under my belt' but I assure you I have much more than that. I have really done some research on the subject and on bullying, etc. Plus real life experience gives some insight into it that reading from a book would never offer. I don't know how to say this, but haven't you ever seen someone and just KNEW they weren't a good person? That's what I'm trying to say. The abusive people I've met and dealt with in the past all had that negative vibe coming off of them and just reeked with "I'm a bad person!" Now with that being the case, the real question is why do people associate with these individuals? Because like anything (being an abuser, being someone who is constantly abused over and over) it's a cycle, it's a sickness, etc. I'm just saying some people have certain dispositions that seem to match being an abuser/victim, etc. It's really a fascinating subject, just too bad it's an actual problem. How to account for those who allow themselves to be abused: cycle, just like being an abuser. You repeat actions. Insanity is doing the same things over and expecting different results; well, call me a nut. Have you ever been in an abusive situation IAG? I'm curious. I'd say no, because I feel that someone who has been abused would never say 'allow themselves to be abused.' That's a whole new story, but I'll tell you this much. If you met me, you would NEVER believe I would 'allow myself' to be abused. I am very strong willed, determined, good-hearted and opinionated (which is clearly demonstrated around here . In fact, I had always said that people who get into those situations are ridiculous and I would walk if someone ever laid a hand on me. It's like you're brainwashed and tortured and everything all at the same time. Life is like a bad dream everyday, and with no one to help you, your support systems cut off, your mind filled with nonesense...it's a nightmare. And sadly the only thing that gets you from being abused to being free is if you can shatter the glass and walk through without getting your soul shredded on the way out. Do you work in the healthfield? On a personal note: I was going to take a Masters in Psyc, but after being through what I have, I won't do it. There's no way I could honestly assist someone who is abusive, and that isn't the way a professional should be. I can honestly say I will never be unbiased in that respect.
-
He's an abuser and using this to keep you under his thumb. You owe him nothing, move at your will.
-
I dont know what my problem is
Beyondthesea replied to renaissancewoman101's topic in Health: Body, Mind and Spirit
My mother is also overly critical of me, and you know what? Eventually I made it known to her that if her criticism didn't stop, we would no longer have a relationship. She has also been really critical of my wedding plans, and I outright told her that if she was paying for the wedding, she would be allowed to complain. Until then, she could come, shut up and enjoy herself and I made it clear that if she decided she would like to criticise, she didn't have to attend. I wouldn't talk to her again for some time. The next time she calls, ignore it. Make sure she realizes that you don't have to tolerate such behavior from her or anyone. I don't care who it is, relative or not. -
I would just ignore it. No contact is always the way to go if you want them back.
-
Is it because they feel lousy about themselves? Is it because they are sociopaths and they like the feeling of doing this to another person? Can an abusive person really feel sorry or is it crocodile tears? I have done some research on this subject and taken courses in abnormal psychology, and there are tons of differing views. A few things that seem to be unwavering: 1. Lousy childhood 2. Repeated altercations and viewings of abusive people and situations growing up 3. Feel they are 'owed' something by the world, by others 4. Feel they have the right to abuse someone because of the life they have lived. Many of them are psychopaths, and have no remorse about what they do. Of course they say they are sorry, but if they were that sorry, would they continually abuse others and go from victim to victim? Not IMO. After the research I've done in psychology, I truly believe that part of this is (sorry to say) they are just generally bad people. I have been abused but have never abused another person and why? Because I choose not to. Abusing someone, raping someone, killing someone...they are all choices. Overall, I believe it's a mix of severe mental problems and that they are just generally bad people. I have no pity for someone who abuses others, regardless of what they've been through themselves. We all choose our behaviors, period.
-
Absolutely. I would drop my fiance/husband flat. In my mind, there's no excuse and no way to forgive or get the trust back.