Beyondthesea
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Everything posted by Beyondthesea
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It's called Stockholm's syndrome. You feel badly for someone who abused you because they really make you feel that way, trust me. They tell you all the time about how cheated their lives have been, how the world owes them things, and honestly, with my abuser, he was completely useless on his own and couldn't do even the smallest thing for himself. I felt sorry for him and was always doing everything for him. Not only for him, but for me to shut him up so I could have some peace and quiet. You feel like they have to be 'looked after' and somehow it's your job, and it's also 'your problem' that they have had such a 'hard life', etc. It's really a form of manipulation and abusers are very skilled sociopaths on many occasions. In cany case, I didn't feel badly after I walked for the last time. I felt exhilirated, like my soul had been freed. When someone misses someone abusive, it's because they are confused and used to the way their life has been going. They aren't sure how to live anymore, or what's normal. Unless you've been through it, it's very hard to understand.
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Guys distrust a girl that is too giving, too nice. So be nice, but play the hard to get card (act busy, even if you're not). It's worked for me. You know, I really think it just depends on the individual you are dating. I was "too nice and too giving" to all the guys I've dated, and that initiated them walking all over me and being very uncaring and unappreciative. With my fiance, it's 100% the opposite. The more loving, caring and giving I am, the more he is the same back to me...I think that's a normal relationship.
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Sadly you'll find out more disappointing things as time goes on. He's demonstrating now how much he's 'changed'
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continuously repeating same mistakes
Beyondthesea replied to sweetharmony's topic in Breaking Up Advice
If you are repeating the same relationship mistakes over and over again, it's time to look within yourself and see why. Was your father unavailable to you? Were you made to feel insecure in your life? Did you have a lot of relationship problems with your parents, or did your parents have a lot of relationship problems themselves? Laugh all you like, but once you answer these questions, you can answer your own. -
Oh my, I am so sorry to hear this. Do talk to your dad, and see what happens. What does he think is going to come of him lying about it forever? Better tell her now rather than later I think. Definitely don't run back to your ex for comfort. This is hard to go through, but it will be alright. My father cheated on my mother years back, but they worked through it and are still together. It will work out as it's supposed to...
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I think the internal changes are the most important. I am definitely not the same person I was 7 years ago, that's for sure.
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I know what you mean about being in a safe place so it all rushes back...that happened to me too. Very weird. I think our minds won't let us feel all the pain because we just can't handle anymore at the time. Then later it comes back to haunt us. Ugh! Maybe what you need to do is start helping yourself feel more strong...do some new activities, find yourself, free yourself from feeling vulnerable. When I started new activities, found new friends, starting really loving and taking care of myself, my confidence increased and I no longer felt vulnerable or afraid Much love...
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With complete honesty, I would walk. It wasn't a one time thing that was completely by accident out of the blue (not that it would excuse it anyway), and she is taking this time to 'decide what to do.'.... I completely understand how much pain you must feel right now. I know how hard it must be for you to decide what to do, but my advice...decide for her. If you did keep dating, not only would you feel untrusting of her all the time, but it would take a LOT of work to repair this relationship. So much, and I'm sorry to say, she isn't playing the regular 'cheater role.' She isn't phoning begging, crying for forgiveness, feeling guilty...she took time off from the relationship. That doesn't show an ounce of remorse, and you certainly don't deserve this.
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Don't worry honey, you are doing the best you can and are doing splendidly. Do some activities to make you feel better, or start off your morning with a new routine...go for a walk everyday, do a yoga video everyday, etc...something routine. It will help!
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What a way to wake up on a Sunday morning
Beyondthesea replied to Gracelove's topic in Emotions and Feelings
Why don't you just find one good job that pays well enough that you could live on your own? I know your parents won't foot the bill financially but darling, that shouldn't really be an issue in my opinion. You've come so far with therapy and with everything, now is the time to start standing on your own two feet and do what you have to do to be self sufficient. I moved out by myself when I was 19. It was the best thing I ever did. I went to school part time and worked full time. When your parents are too in your space, it's time to move out. -
What a way to wake up on a Sunday morning
Beyondthesea replied to Gracelove's topic in Emotions and Feelings
Why don't you get a job and move out? Are you really young? If not, make the change. -
Agreed. Sorry but you don't have to feel any obligation to your current employer. In the working world you always have to look out for yourself first.
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Planned vs Spontaneous lifestyle
Beyondthesea replied to Unhumble's topic in Health: Body, Mind and Spirit
My job is pretty sweet...I get every 2nd Friday off, TOWP plus vacation...wow. That really encourages personal time!!! In my free time I bake, read, walk, exercise, have friends over, watch movies, visualize my perfect life, talk to family, etc. I always say I would be the happiest housewife on Earth, I always have something I'd like to do. But I also take online university and engage in other activities. -
I also second the ER...they can give you GOOD pain medicine that will actually work!!!
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Who actually really heals?
Beyondthesea replied to mariab.'s topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
I've been both and healed as both. I guess though I was with someone horribly abusive and dumped him, so I was given a LOT of room to grow from that situation. I think if you were in a 'normal' situation it would be harder to grow as the dumpee... -
Honey it's been a few years, correct? It sounds like you are still in a very painful place...I really think you need to seek counseling. I was with someone more abusive than you can ever imagine, and I walked away after 7 years of hell on Earth...it's been 2 years since then, and I hardly even think about it anymore. Certainly everyone heals in their own time, but it sounds like you are still very much in pain on a daily basis and I don't feel it should be that way for you. Seek counseling and see if that will help you resolve some of these painful issues you are dealing with. Many blessings...
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I was 26 before I met my fiance, it's not uncommon. And I dated plenty in the meantime and you know what? I wish I hadn't! I wish I had spent more time being single, enjoying my own company and having a good time. Get out there and enjoy life. Do activities you like to do, spend time doing things you want to do...you'll meet someone, wait and see.
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I can see where you're coming from Ang...to be honest, I took paxil and all it did was MAKE IT WORSE! I started having tremors all the time so it felt like I was always moments away from an attack, I didn't want to leave the house anymore, I was more mentally ill than I ever was before. Yikes! I have also read Lex is horribly addictive and many people have big issues trying to get off of them. I would honestly get put on something else. You should be on an antidepressant and perhaps something milder. Even beta blockers would be more beneficial, but I'm hardly a doctor. In any case, what I did is started reading self-help books, and went to counseling. I changed my diet (I identified trigger foods that contributed to my severe anxiety) and now do an exercise routine a few times a week...my horrifying anxiety is down to maybe a panic attack once every six months, and even then, I know enough self care techniques that I can keep them to a bare minimum in terms of length. Definitely look into alternate treatments if you can...that's a very strong drug in my opinion...
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Honestly I disagree with heloladies. IMO, if it was me saying that, it's because I want the guy to know that I'm not about to do anything more than kiss. Maybe the last guy she was with was overly forward and she's not willing to do that again?
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She's going through some sort of emotional issue...I agree with asking her if maybe she has contracted herpes? Likely though, she is going through something and needs to go to counseling.
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Whoa darling. Honestly, here is my opinion... You need counseling to get over your past issues so you can have a good relationship with anyone. My questions...why is Ed so insecure about your relationship with Joe? Is he possessive of you? If he's so amazing what were you fighting about that he'd call you a wh**e? I think you should be single a while personally, but even if you do go back to Ed, you need counseling to deal with all the issues that are arising.
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Actually I agree it is hard to find intelligent, nice men. I found my fiance after dating stream after stream of jerk wad's...but here's the thing...I chose to date them! This is 100% true...when I refused to date anyone but someone who was what I wanted, BOOM my fiance was there within a month. When you don't know what you want, when you don't have higher standards, you put out the vibe that you'll deal with rejects. It's a cold hard fact of nature
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Have a good day and talk to you soon Just remember that if he was going to change, he would have done it. That's the 100% truth.
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I haven't read your whole story from before, but my advice is to walk from this and maintain strict no contact. You are just convenient for him sweetie, and that's not fair to you. I really would just not contact him anymore. He's too much of a coward to phone and tell you what's going on in his head, but it doesn't sound favorable for you.
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That's the thing...it's not you who has to deal with him. HE does. You're feeling guilty because that's what he has told you...everyone gives up on him. What that really means, is that his behavior is so outlandish that people realize it's his problem not theirs...he wants someone to 'fix everything' for him. Sorry, welcome to life dude. Fix it yourself! No one fixed me when I was going off the deep end but me!!! Go out and have fun. And refuse all contact with him. And PM me anytime, I've been there babe. It was the worst time of my life, and I made it through laughing on the other side...and so will you. Many blessings...