Newlywed

I know you guys will all give out to me but after another attempt at sorting this issue to no avail I gave in, I emailed him (I'm not ready for actual verbal contact just yet) and for the sake of peace accepted full responsibility. I didn't word it sarcastically I just told him that he won and that I accept it was all my fault, this was his reply: Don't throw your toys out of the pram just because you cant have your own way. My opinion is different to yours accept it and forget about it, stop harping on about it and wallowing in self pity as if you have been so hard done by!!!!!!!!!! I can't win so whats the point in trying to fight. I've married an abusive man who doesn't see that his abuse is even a problem. How could I have been so stupid, how did I get myself into this mess. I know what you will all say, leave and that I'm in danger, well I read the article you posted beyondteresa and yes it is interesting and just scares me more to make me realize the kind of man I've only just married. I'm praying this is all a dream and i'll wake up from it and realize it never actually happened and I'm back to being happily married and madly in love.....am I stupid or what????????????????????

Bethany I totally agree with you. Yes this has happened before but this was the worst in the sense that the previous ones were just him getting angry, beside the time he grabbed me which he did seem to be sorry for and at that time he was dealing with a berevement so I made an allowance for him, but other than that it was something that annoyed me but not something that worried me. But this time it was such a severe threat of violence I really believed he would do it. However I am trying to think exactly as you are, I have to at least try to save my marriage and as I stated early I am no angel and probably don't help matters. I have to learn to change as much as I need him to, we are both at fault and if we want to fix it we both have to fix it. So yes I will be making the effort to help sort this, I will be trying not to antagonise the situation if I see its getting too heated. However at the moment we can't move past this incident because he is so totally adament that it is 100% my fault and NOTHING at all to do with him. I can't just say ok lets forget it and try again. I need him to accept at least some responsibility for his actions and he just seems to refuse to do that. That is whats worrying me, I can try and help make things better no problem but if he is adamant I am the problem and he is totally innocent then how can I do it on my own. We have barely spoken now for 3 days, we are pleasant and polite but basically are staying out of each others way. All I need is for him to just admit that threatening violence in such an abusive manner is out of order no matter what the situation and to basically let me know he at least doesn't WANT it to happen again. I just can't accept that I'm 100% responsible for his temper so unfortunately it seems to have reached a stalemate. I feel so tempted to give in just to put an end to the atmosphere but I know if I do then I'm saying its ok for him to be like that towards me because it will be my fault. I will try Bethany, I will make an effort to save my marriage and you are right it takes TWO, i just need to feel he will make an effort too!!

Partially, I do have a gob on me as he puts it. I didn't used to. I was extremely quiet and insecure but after a lot of hassle in my life I got help and now I am perhaps to the very other extreme in the sense that I will not allow anyone to make me feel small in anyway. I do need to learn to find a more middle ground with the way I deal with things. I need to not become so adament to have the last word and walk away when things get too heated and perhaps try and come back to it later. I am not perfect Voltaire, I totally admit that. When he gets angry I don't back off I square up to him and thats not good or right, I should learn to back away and deal with the issue later when things are more calm. Every argument takes 2 people and I totally accept I am as much to blame as he is. I need to try and watch and help to avoid these situations. My problem is his total lack of willingness to admit that there was anything wrong with threatening me or being so verbally abusive. I just need to know that he doesn't believe that kind of abuse is in any way acceptable and it worries me greatly that he doesn't see it as a problem. I will do my best to help with this situation but what I if I get it wrong, what if I annoy him even when I'm trying not to, how can I be so totally responsible for controling his temper, thats too much responsibility to put on my shoulders. I'll do my best, I'll watch in future to try and avoid things going so far but I just need him to at least admit that threatening violence and verbally abusing me is not right no matter what the situation. And to be honest until he does that I'm just not sure how I can move on from this argument. By the way yes we are Irish, I had meant to wipe any evidence of that but ooops, its only because if he ever got wind that I was posting our problems on this site I think he would go absolutely mad, plus the reason I'm on here is because I can't talk to anyone I know about it. I don't want them to know, I don't want them judging him, we are only just married and I have to give my marriage a chance and if we can sort this out I don't want our family or friends to always remember it and hold it against him. Thats why its great to get strangers opinions, I'm trying to be as honest about the situation as possible not to make me look good, not to defend him but just to show the entire situation so I can get help to make sense of it and work out what I should do.

Bethany, I would hardly class it as making jokes while he was irate, I was 5 minutes late and jokingly asked was he grumpy because I didn't think a mere 5 minutes could possibly cause him to get this annoyed. Obviously I was wrong as it led to him eventually threatening to kicking my head in. However I am fully aware that I am not blameless and I've told him that over and over again, all I'm asking is that he at least admit that regardless of the details of any argument, as goodness knows we all have them at some point, that there is no justification for threatening physical abuse and certainly not in front of a small child. Unfortunately he just won't see it and believes I wound him up so its my fault completely and he should feel not an ounce of remorse for such harsh actions. I don't mind if we argue, everyone does and I can fight my corner better than most I just don't feel there is a need for the level of verbal abuse and threatening of violence and all I want is for him to even just agree with me on that and I'd feel it is a start and he is aware of the problem. But he is not he feels I am totally responsible for his temper and its up to me to control it and as almost every person replying to me has said, how can I control his temper. I can't be responsible for his anger. I can't promise I will never disagree with him or argue with him or get angry with him just in case he loses his temper and its my fault. Thats too much to ask. I told him that, I apologised for my part in the argument and accepted that it would help if I could learn to walk away before it got too heated but that I just need to know he doesn't think its ok to threaten me or verbally abuse me, his answer was nothing.....absolutely nothing and we've barely spoken since. He is just doing his own thing and barely acknowleging I'm around. But I can't and won't give in on this. Its not acceptable to speak to anyone let alone your wife in that manner and I don't think we have a hope in hell for the future unless I at least know he can admit only he can control his temper. At the moment its not looking like thats going to happen so we are basically staying out of each others way and as we all know that can't go on forever! Why is it just when you think you've touched some real happieness life just snaps it out of your hand!!!!!

........this is an email he just sent me.....what do you think? Listen I don't claim to be perfect I have my faults and they are fairly bad I admit possibly I have more bad points than good ones, as years have gone on I have learnt to deal with them to. I know I have a scary side to me and it one that I have tried to deal with over the years. During different scenarios in my life I have learnt how to deal with my temper. It used to surface more when I used to get pie eyed with Lager, so I learnt to stop drinking that, I used to square up to everybody and anybody but have learnt to walk away from these situations and kick and punch walls instead. When in arguments with you I try as hard as possible to see the argument through your eyes and invariably see that 8 times from 10 you are generally right, but every now and then you will be wrong and out of order. Tempers aren't something you can simply turn on and off. I accept your reason for arriving home late on thurs and accept you had things to close out before leaving. However instead of a quick no fuss necessary 'sorry babe' you actually had the audacity of telling me not to be grumpy. That festered from Dublin to rosslare you had zero conception of my anxiety of ensuring we made it on time for me to visit my kids. When I tried explaining to you you went off on one when I said very diplomatically that I was disappointed but to you it was water off the a ducks back no big deal as we made it on time anyway even though we were caught in two very congested traffic jams. You chose to disregard my feelings and tried making out that it was my fault for being so grumpy about it. You had no interest in taking my feelings into account. From there on it got gradually worse I asked initially for you to stop and asked you in a quiet manner, you made some pretty savage comments to me yourself which got my blood boiling I then asked again for you to stop with a bit more venom I admit. You often say you would like to take a picture of me I also would like to tape you as you are as equally venomous. I always say that I will treat people with the contempt that they treat me and do believe that is how I deal with situations I don't believe that I create the hostility anymore even though I would have been the instigator in the past. Sorry but I offering you no apology here I hate our arguments as much as you. I hate my anger and hate the feeling of hating myself for getting into a situation of exploding but I do blame you for that. Like it or not you too have red mist and cant control your gob at times and you need to work on that. Even last night your tone changed to being condescending and loud and hitting the bed in frustration. There was no reasoning with you at all. I am allowed my opinions and mine is that you instigated thurs you pushed it to the degree it got to. You created it and done so in front of the child. I drove trying to forget about it but got frustrated with traffic which didn't make it easier, however by the time we were there I didn't want it to continue and tried smiling at you but you were having none of it. There would be nothing easier for me to just say sorry it as much of my fault as yours and just put this whole thing to bed, but I don't feel it is my fault I genuinely feel you have as much to answer for our latest argument as anyone so I cant pretend to say something if I don't mean it. I know this is a disappointment for you but you need to look at this situation through my eyes for a split second and try respecting how I feel. I know this is hard as it is something that I have tried learning to do over the years, and when you are able to see the others persons feelings and feel remorse then come to me. I have tried doing this for this outburst and don't feel remorse for you as I honestly believe you have just gone off on one without thinking of my feelings and you yourself escalated it as you couldn't see that I was anxious to get back to see my kids. I leave this with you to think on. Obviously I not expecting you to come back with apology but I afraid I not offering one to you either!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! please remember he is leaving out some details and changing others the main one being I didn't give out about him being grumpy I joked about it but he obviously didn't take it as a joke. Sorry to bother you with this but maybe someone else reading it will confirm it is my fault and I should let it go and learn to react differently in future arguments??????????

Thanks Voltaire, at least its a suggestion towards finding some way around this, maybe if I word it like you say he might see it differently. I know what the others are saying and a big part of me feels they are right about walking away rather than allowing myself to be a victim but I just know I can't and at the moment I know I won't. I have to find some way of dealing with it. If I try and it doesn't work then fair enough its time to admit I got it wrong yet again and walk away but I have to at least try. He is not all bad he is just seriously f**ked up from his own childhood and even adolescent years but in fairness he is a lot better now than he was so obviously there have been changes already, perhaps I just need to let the dust settle and try again to talk when he is calm and in a more loving and open mood. It has to be worth a try?? If I walk away now I'm walking at the very first sign of trouble in my marriage which is not even 2 months old yet. Surely thats not the right thing to do surely I have to try and see if I can help sort it before throwing the towel in??????

Unfortunately I think I'm going to have to face that you are all right. I tried talking to him last night. Very calmly I tried to explain my fear about his temper but he is adament its 100% my fault. He says he has a temper and knows it and when he feels it coming on he tells me to let the argument go but I don't and then he sees red and gets abusive. I do see what he's saying about my not letting it go but its hard to be angry and then as soon as you are instructed to be just turn it off and say nothing. I told him that I agree I need to learn to walk away and allow things to calm down but that I am just worried that he didn't feel there was anything wrong with threatening to kick my head in and he reckoned there isn't!! He says I should know his temper by now so if I push it then thats what happens. Basically he is making me totally responsible for his anger as well as my own and I have a hard enough time dealing with my own because he can be so nasty my natural instinct is to fight back. I asked would he ever actually hurt me and he sarcastically said he didn't know but don't push him to find out. What have I done, I've seen his temper before why did I go ahead and marry him. Its just it had been so long since the last time it happened and in fairness it was a lot better than it had been at the beginning of our relationship. I have to admit when I think like that he is getting better, he does seem to control it a tiny bit better than when we first met. Maybe if I could just learn to walk away when the argument gets heated and let things cool down like he asks. In heinsight I think how easy would that be but in the middle of an argument it doesn't seem to be an option that enters my head. He is now in a major sulk and refusing to talk to me, he just reckons there is no talking to me because I won't accept that I push him to do it. I feel so confused at the moment, one minute I think what an idiot I was to marry him when I knew he did have a temper even if I hadn't seen it in ages but then the next I think of the rest of the time when things are wonderful between us and we are so close and he is so gentle. I told him that I'd work on trying to walk away before arguments get that heated but I just needed him to admit that regardless of the details of the argument that to threaten me with violance or lay a finger on me is out of order but he just won't see it. He is so adament its my fault, god maybe it is my fault. I can't get divorced a second time I just can't, there has to be a way to make my marriage work. Its not like this happens regularly in fairness its very rare maybe if I could just learn to walk away rather than push the argument. How pathetic do I sound. Maybe if I try I will stop my husband from verbally abusing me and threatening me with violance. Exactly the sort of comment that if I heard another woman say it I'd think get real. But he is not all bad as I say its rare it happens and the rest of the time we are good together. Maybe I'm blowing it all way out of proportion. Maybe if I just let it sit for a while and see what happens. Maybe as much as he wont admit it to me in his heart he knows that threatening that kind of violence was too much but he is just too pigheaded to admit it. Maybe maybe maybe....maybe he'll change.....how many times have you all heart that then?????????? It doesn't seem fair that this would happen now, we were so happy and now I'm finding it so hard to get past this or to even look at him!!!

To be honest BellaDonna I think I know you are right. I will argue as good as the next person and as I say I can be as pig headed as anything but I never feel the need or desire to curse him or call him names or really insult him let alone threaten him with violence, and goodness knows some of his comments have made me angry enough. But when this "red mist" as he calls it comes down he changes completely and will say the worst thing he can think of to hurt me. We have talked about it before and he admits that when he gets that angry he does actually hate me but he knows he wouldn't hurt me. I've asked how can he hate me one second and love me the next but he says its just because he is angry and he is the same with everyone. Seemingly he is the same in work. He can get on fine with someone but if they argue he will really lose it, then the next day he is back to being fine again. He is adament its just the way he is and he doesn't actually mean anything he says he just gets angry. But you are right, what if it does get worse, what if the threats become actual violence. I don't want to leave him because as I've said we are only just married so I won't give up that easy, but I do need to try and get help. We have tried councilling before but he doesn't really partake in it, he just shows up because I want him to and then nothing changes afterward. Plus he is so adament that I wind him up he won't see that there is no excuse for threatening to kick someone's head in. And to let you know I was 5 minutes late, not an hour or 2 hours, just 5 minutes and it blew into this!! I told him I will never be scared of him no matter what he threatens and he reckons he doesn't want me to be, he just wants me to see when he is losing it and drop the argument before he goes out of control. But how can i take responsibilty for his anger as well as my own. At the moment he is trying really hard to get us back on track and being very attentive but still reckons the whole thing was as much my fault as his. I think if he would just admit that his temper is a problem and that there are ways of arguing without the need for abuse it would be a start but how do i get him to do that?? With regard to sending my child away, I don't think we are at that point just yet, we've been together 6 years and its only happened about 9 or 10 times, ok they are not good and after each one I try and suggest something to make sure it never happens again which hasn't worked..obviously!! but its not like he is continuously abusive, its only when he really loses his temper and most times my child hasn't even seen it. But I do see where you are coming from agent and it is something I'm very aware of. She is my daughter and not his so I'm fully aware that there will be no natural instints of protection towards her from him and thereforeeee I watch that situation very carefully. I would never put my child in danger, not for anyone. If I could just find a way to get him to realize that his temper is a problem. I do remind him of his dad's temper, he used to beat his mum up seemingly but my hubby didn't know him very well as his Mum took him and his sister away when he was 4 after his Dad tried to strangle her, but he reckons that didn't effect him coz he didn't see the abuse towards his mum. I keep thinking the fear of being like his real dad would scare him, but it doesn't. Its like he just wants to pretend it doesn't happen. How do you get someone to face up to whats really happening??

I'm only recently married and last week my husband and i had an argument that is really playing on my mind. I don't want to go into the long boring details as the actual argument was not relevent. I believe all couples argue and its a normal part of any relationship. Its the way the argument developed that worried me. Eventually my husband basically lost his temper. He swore at me and called me names in public and in front of my 7 year old daughter. I asked him to stop as I was embarressed at people looking plus didn't want my child to hear that sort of language but that only made matters worse and I was sworn at even more. Eventually he walked away and I was happy to be just left alone even if it did mean feeling watched and pitied by others looking at me. But later in the evening when I told him how embarressed I had been and how I didn't like that in front of my child it got even worse. I was sworn at again, called names and told I'd be dragged out of the car and he'd kick my head in. At this point my child is in tears trying to block her ears in the back of the car and all I can worry about is her upset. I asked him to stop but again it just made things worse and the abuse just kept coming. Eventually I told him I refused to talk to him and we returned to the silence. Now don't get me wrong, I'm no angel. I'm very stubborn and pig headed and I will stand my ground to the very death. So I know I don't help. But when I get wound up I find it hard to just run away scared, the more he verbally abuses me the more I stand firm showing no fear. The following morning we sorted the argument out and I did say that I was in the wrong for being late which was what caused the argument in the first place but his answer was just why couldn't I have said that the night before. He said nothing about his abusive behaviour other than thats who he is and he can't help it. He reckons I should see when he is loosing it and just let the argument drop even if I feel in the right. I took this as I should be scared to stand my ground which I know I can't do. Its bothering me so much I can't even think straight at this stage. I love him and ok its not the first time he has lost his temper but he has never actually touched me other than a shove and once he grabbed me by the throat. But his answer is always the same, that I wind him up and make him do it and if I'd just learn to walk away it wouldn't happen. I'm not even considering ending the relationship as we are not long married and I do not want a second divorce. Also its not like this happens regularly its only every now and again but I just don't know what to do. Is it my fault? Should I learn to back down on every argument in case he loses his temper, is he right that its my fault as much as his because I wind him up. I keep asking him can he not argue with me without getting so aggressive as its only natural that we will argue every now and again and he says he does its just sometimes I push him to far Somebody help me please. I love him, I only married him recently and we were so happy and in love and then suddenly in a flash that closeness and happieness turns into absolute hatred from his part and I don't know how to handle it. By the way I've talked to my daughter continuously trying to explain and comfort her about what happened and make sure it didn't upset her too much but on top of worrying about my marriage I'm worried about my daughter, will I screw her up for life. How do I save us from this kind of behaviour again??? Is it my fault?????????