Shadows Light

Tough question... I struggle with this one myself. I guess...you don't know. I mean they can say it. And they can show it. And they can do. But do they? you are always riding on that fine edge of... waiting for the fall. And I guess it the trick is to... prepare youself to drop and roll out of it.. with the least amount of collateral damage as possible. We've all been walked on.. stepped on... used... lied too.... hurt. Else we wouldn't be here on these forums... looking for answers to the unanswerable... if there was a pat answer... I think it'd be bottled and sold and someone would be a MEGA trillionaire. LOL. Trust..???? ehhhh hard to come by. Pray??? yep.. you can do that. If it helps you to feel better. I guess... I want to say be honest and truthful and communicate... and LOL.. doesn't that just open a can of worms and leave us all open and vulnerable to more hurt. What would you get??? "ohhh yeah baby.. I love you.. you know I do...".... and then what.. WALLOP.. the other shoe falls..and they are gone. No answers darlin. I think... maybe you just LOVE them.. or Love them the best as you can... and don't expect it in return. Don't have high expectations... if you don't set the bar too high.. you won't be disappointed ....again and again..and again. And by loving them.. you lead...and you at least walk away knowing.. YOU GAVE. You LOVED. You take what they give at face value...and don't worry about whether its true or not true.... if they treat you well and with respect..and you feel cared for... then... ce la vie....

The previous posters are right. Masturbating before hand helps. Generally it does take us longer to get the engines racing. ON average.. 15 minutes for women...and 3 minutes for men. The gods have a sense of humor don't they??? Kinsey and Masters and Johnson have done numerous studies on this.. there's a web site... link removed Dr. Sue Jonhson.. thats excellent. If you can catch one of her programs on TV in your area..she's a great teacher..lots of info. This question comes up (no pun) a lot. Change up the routine. Make sure she gets off first by maybe doing ORAL on her first. They say that 70% of women don't get off vaginally... they need direct clit stimulation to ummm... go over the edge. If you get her off ORAL.. she will have been well primed for YOU. And... just may be ready for round 2 herself. This happens to me quite a bit...and its awesome.. lol. You can try... 69.. so you both climax...and then do a lot of foreplay while you recover for... hmm the main course. Change up your habits and don't keep it the same. There's a book called... The One Hour Orgasm by Dr. Bob Schwartz..phd. The title is misleading... its not actually one hour of actual penetration..but talks about the importance of FOREPLAY...and the release of Tumessense. Tumessense is the energy that is built up. He's got some great ideas on how to ... ummm... pro-long that energy and build-up for a guy. But this would be for your GF to read, if she's so inclined. It's a matter of STOP and START. And it takes time and patience. But hey... thats what its all about anyway... Practice makes perfect. The book is a couples book. There is info for you... info for her.. it has a lot of good info. As long as you have fun... keep a good sense of humor about it..and just enjoy each others company. Make sure you have fun.. and you laugh..and you talk about it and are open about it. And by all means.. get educated. Good-luck!!! Have fun!!!... Live, Love and Learn...

Well.. I think I found myself at a young age... maybe... 12/13 or so... and... no one told me about it. It was nature taking its course. Did I think it was wrong... YEP. Why? Well you hear kids at school make fun of other kids.."Jerking" off and you think its wrong. Kind of like ... hmmm picking your nose.. or passing gas...everybody does it... no one admits it...and keeps it private. Sorry for the analogy but its the best I can think of. Is it possible that a person doesn't masterbate...????????? Yes.. suppose it is... there are posts here that sight religious reasons... BTW. The reason the bible say's is wrong is because its spilling your seed to the ground. It was written during a time when your job was to propogate...and to "be fruitful and multiply".. in the old testament there is a reference to (I forget the passage and whom).. a gentlemen spilling his seed to the ground. Well... what should have he done??? found the first female and impregnated her... ??? hmmmmm. I think he was better off spilling his seed than being sexually frustrated and who knows.. committing a worse "sexual crime"... taking by force. but thats my opinion. Sorry.. I'm a history buff..and religious beliefs are a pet favorite of mine... where they came from.. why... etc etc. "Be fruitful and multiply" may have been a good idea for those times...but in today's society... we've got enough mouths to feed. (the end of that tid-bit). I don't see anything wrong with Masturbation... but its a personal thing. What may be the norm for one person is not for another. When I was younger.. hmmmm what was the "NORM" depends... on what time of the month it was... what my libido was doing at the time... and whether or not I just read a Romance Novel or seen a movie that flipped my lid..and I needed to channel the energy somewhere. GRANTED.. I'd rather channel my energy with a man these days...but if there's none around when the NEED strikes... You gotta do what you gotta do. incidentally... would not bother me in the least knowing my BF did what he had to do when I wasn't around. I'd rather he did that.... then.. ummm find other avenues to release on.

After I found my "X" had extra curricular activities that could be a risk to me... yep. Went and got tested. Takes about 2 weeks for the verdict to come in. And they will call you if there is something. The whole going in to get tested...had me riled. I was "TICKED" that I'd been put in a postion that I had to get checked...as if I were some sort of "animal" that needed her rabies shot and tags. UGGGGGHHHHH.

Agree with Tigris... you are on the giving end and not recieving. Not allowing your body to follow natures course. Giving oral but never gotten it back..OMG Girlfriend you are definitely in for a NICE NICE surprise... sssshhhh... 8) Giving it... is nice... very nice.. its a different type of rush... Getting it... If you don't get off getting it!!! he's doing something wrong. Its mega mega rush. No...Vaginal Intercourse...either...hmmm. Well here's the question... you get bored making out... ok.. is it the type of bored thats like "been there done that.." I want MORE. or is it just the type of "bored" that says... ehhh boring, don't want more...there's no WANT or desire for anything else??? OK... so maybe you haven't met the right person. Or the chemistry is not right. From personal experience... I lost my virginity at age 18 and was not "emotionally or mentally" ready for a physical relationship...body was... mind was not. Maybe this is the case for you. Looking back on my situation.. it was also the WRONG person. Had it been the right person he'd have knocked my socks off. Try being on the recieving end of things for a change..and see how you like that. You are only 19... don't worry about "drive" at this point or labeling yourself as "A Sexual".... its posible but time will tell. You could just be a late bloomer. I was.

ohh I like this. Its in the womanly woman manual. But if you read further in the womanly woman manual.. .its our job to help other sisters along... and train the men up... so telling them how to romance us...and treat us well... is not a sell out. Its just helping a Sister along.

Yes... its possible to fall in "LOVE" without the other person falling with you. And yes... women love ROMANCE. Hence, look at the romance novel industry... we suck it up like vultures. LOL. So she likes being with you. Thats good. Let nature take its course...and just spend time together. Maybe you want to keep your "I Love You" words reserved for a while. And see where the road takes the both of you. Once the "I love you" is out there... hmmm the game changes. Romance... do the little things... cards, a flower, notes, lol... the little stuff. And see where it gets you. little steps..baby steps.

Nice. Thank-you. When you truly love someone. You give them a piece of your heart...and it's always with them. Love is a postiive energy that really never dies out. He'll always have thoughts of Jill. Even when he's moved on. ahhhh the Loneliness blues.... 8) Haven't figured that one out myfriend.

Ok... I was on of your posters that said.. keeping a man on a leash or babysitting him is JUST not worth it. I do believe that men and women can have platonic relationships. I've been that way for years. And I will probably continue to be that way forever and a day. If my man doesn't trust me.. then I am not worth keeping on a leash either. If I say that I am mongomous and am a one man women...then thats it. OK... late night emailing..and meeting. First of all..ask yourself, HOW is your relationship? Is everything as it should be??? is he looking for consolation or advice from his friend? Have things changed up?? is he asking for anything to change in your relationship?? is he taking "special" efforts. Is he trying to "talk" to you but you are not hearing him???? I think what you need is a "come to Jesus" meeting...becuase this is driving you crazy. And it is crazy making. He denies anything is going on. Well... what else can you do? hmmm go to the local comp store and pick up a lovely program that is like a KEY LOGGER and will pick up all his outgoing e-mail. Or...you could follow him... or you could do any number of things to "CATCH" him in the act. Will this make you feel any better??? Do you really want to know that badly.... ???? What would it take to convince you? Lets say.. you did do the comp thing. And after a month or two .. you came up with NOTHING. Well then.. you'd just tell yourself he was being sly and outsmarting you. Or.. if you did follow him and found out nothing.... you'd still have that "nagging" feeling. And the jealousy would rage..and get worse. Heck, you might even push him into this direction... he might as well cheat.. he's being accused of it. AND THIS HAS happened to people. OR.. you can catch him on your first fling out...and then what are you going to do??????? WHAT are you going to do??? Have you thought of that? Have you thought of "ALL" the stuff you will need to do to get out ..... and its a process let me tell you. OK... I don't have any advice for you that will suffice. You're walking down the path..and going down that slippery slope. My best advice to you is to PLAN AHEAD. Start building your nest egg... as if you were walking out...start pulling your boot straps up. Plan ahead. Think of the out options. And hubby... you need a Come to Jesus meeting. And the one thing that may help you is Marriage Counseling. See if you can get him to go to counseling with you... to nip this thing in the butt. You need to do something "CONSTRUCTIVE" and get out of your HEAD. And get off the dime. SNOOPING is not constructive... you're just building yourself more questions...then getting answers. And its hurting you emotionally and mentally. Gotta stop the CYCLE somewhere. Get off the loop. They say...that if you feel your spouse is cheating... he probably is. So... what are you going to do about it????? Where does the cycle stop???? Constructive planning. Gear up.

For myself its a fine line... a balancing act. If someone were to describe me...they'd say I was an EXTROVERT. And they would be correct. To a point. I'm also an INTROVERT...and need my time alone. There are many times, I am out in the "OPEN" participating. And I'll pull back to take stock and observe. The human condition is an amazing study. lol. People watching is a great great sport. Helps you gain perspective on where you are...and where you want to be. Judging. Don't pass judgement. Just because you've moved along the path and your friend has not... doesn't make him less than. He's a journeyman also. He's just taken the scenic route. and one that fits right for him...and where he's at. Choosing to sort out your life plan at age 24 is a "Good" choice. You need to assess and get a bead in where it is you are at...and where you want to be. I want to caution you on one teeny tiny thing. Don't get so focused on "GETTING THERE" that you forget to LIVE. And enjoy the journey. lol. Its a balancing act..... you make lots of trade offs along the way. I'm all for a PLAN. I'm a person who needs them. FUn is fun.. but you have to live...and you have to build that foundation under your house. Having a career is important to me. If pays the bills..it gives me a sense of pride and esteem. It puts a roof over my head and it gives me "security"...for myself and my children. Whats missing is the "LIVING" and all the things I want to do. LOL. Tim McGraw has a song "LIVE like you were dying" and he talks about Sky diving... lol... well it costs to go sky diving.. doesn't it. And it costs to learn to ride a MOTOR CYCLE or to take that dream vacation. So keeping it in perspective... is important. Don't judge... I agree, drinking is not "FUN"... everything in moderation. I like tipping a few back..but I don't need to... to have a good time. What someone else considers as fun... is OK for them. Just as long as it doesn't impede my life in anyway. If your friends drinking was hurting you...and hurting your journey.. I'd say, dump the friend. But its not hurting you. You have choices. You don't want to go out... so don't. Choose your own path. But remember.. he's not entirely wrong... you have to LIVE and have fun along the way. The lights can go out tomorrow... and if you haven't LIVED.. was it worth it????????

I have to agree with shes2smart. I don't see why friendships can't be co-ed....I've had male friends for years..and been just buds with them. I think that its ok. I think its a matter of TRUST. Trusting that the other is going to stay true. If you feel you have to baby-sit your man and keep him on a leash... omg its not worth it.

Speaking as a wife... who found GAY...Internet Porn on her husbands computer.... and he was lax in his.. ummm hubandly duties... ie.. many months would pass between making love... 3, 6, 9 mths... and I tried with the Victoria Secrets lingerie...and all of it....and he still didn't want me.... I felt unwanted... unloved...and just not like a woman... made me feel lower than pond scum..... Ya know... finding those pix on the internet.... indicated a lot more than fantasy or curiosity to me. Sooooooooooooo.... it is what it is. And... I can't comment on your situation...but I can tell you how I feel as a woman.. in my situation. I can't compete with a man. I just can't. He never should have married me... he never should have hid behind my skirts. And it will take me a long long long time... to get over this hurt and many years of therapy. Thank-you very much. I don't know if his.. FANTASY life had anything to do with it...but he also had ANGER issues.. and drank more and more. And me?? he had some lovely names for me... and they weren't... "lovey dovey names either"..... sssssssssssssssooooooooooo I can tell you... that as a wife... making this discovery... has ruined my life... I was devastated.

I'm so glad that you took the time to write to this forum. That means that you have NOT hit rock bottom. AND that is good. Look... you've heard all the platitudes... its darkest before the dawn... behind every cloud there's a silver lining... I'm not going to give you the bull-crap.. I'll shoot straight from the hip. ALL these things ARE TRUE. You have ONE time... ONe time to LIVE this beautiful life... and it can be an AMAZING life.... if you give yourself a chance. I've been where you are... several times. LOL. And yes... I've had a PLAN... but I've alwasy managed to ROLL out of it and to pull up. Thats what you have to do. Pull up on those reigns and stop this run-away wild horse... Its ok.... really it is ok. There is ssssoooo much to live for and life is too darned precious to waste. Have you talked to anyone else about your thoughts???? Are you getting enough to eat... are you sleeping??? Are you getting yourself up and out of the house?????????????? OK...then we start there.. the BASICS. EAT. SLEEP. And GET MOVING. Go out for a walk. Go to a park. Go to a museum. Go to the beach. Turn on the RADIO... to happy music. Music that brings you up..and start taking care of yourself. And get your phone book out ..and start looking for the free-clinics if you don't have medical coverage... go talk to someone. Seriously. I did. And I am not sorry I did. I thank the gods everyday that I had the strength to do it... and the courage to live. PM me anytime... and let me know what your are thinking. Tell me whats wrong. I'm sure we can sort it out.... I'm putting out my hand to you... take it.

Seek legal counsel. A separation may do you both a bit of good. However, as another poster said... not on your nickel. How old is your child???? and what have you decided to do about the child???? who will be the be the legal guardian... and how will you handle visitations??? how will you support the child??? How will you tell the child??? and WHAT do you tell the child???? Think about the kid first... I know there are reasons people get "Divorced" or "Separated"... if its not right for one person... its not right for both. And no one should be unhappy. And if there are children in the mix... it makes it sooo much more difficult..because kids love their mom's and dads'.... no matter how they are. They don't have a field of experience that tells them other than.... Mommy's and Daddy's are there to love me and to love. Too often in these "D" battles or when there is a crack in the relationship...its the kids who suffer the most. They become and after thought to... ME ME ME ME ME ME........... Sooooooooooooo... seek legal advice..and give GREAT GREAT thought and consideration of how you two will PARENT. It can be done. You might have not made it as a couple...but you still CAN be GREAT parents. Good-luck.

If he knew about this pregaancy before hand....before meeting you, it would have made a difference... in terms of you wanting to go out with him or how you would view him. Everyone has baggage. And the older you get..the more baggage you have. The distance you are feeing.. can be attributed to the 3 jobs he has. Sounds like he has very little spare time. Yes, a cell phone call would be nice, I don't know what his cell plan is...but I know my minutes and monthly bill would go through the roof if I called everytime I wanted to hear his voice. There's something to be said about keeping a little bit of mystery or a little bit to yourself in a relationship. So be careful not to overstep the boundaries. However, I believe that honesty is the best policy...and the first stages of getting to know you is POLITENESS. As I have matured... I've realized that I don't have time for some things. So I just let it roll. If you have any questions.. don't be polite or a better word.. shy...ASK. And if you have something to say... put it on the table. For instance.. your quesitoning of how a guy in a relationship uses a condom even if his long term GF is on the pill. ASK. There could be other reasons. Your emotional investment into this relationship at this moment... is little.. compared to what it would be say 6 mths from now. So, while the investment is little.. take the risk of laying some cards on the table. What have you got to lose. There's an old country song that says..."You've gotta know when to hold em.. know when to fold 'em.. know when to walk away... know when to run away...know when to run...." referring to a GAMBLER. I think the song applies to a new relationship... its the same thing... a Gamble.

I'd have to agree with RayKay.... she's absolutley right, its about exploration and creativity. Finding something new everytime... so postion, time and place...touches should be varied. Further down into the realtionship...nothing worse than being able to time and plot your lovers moves by the clock. ie. Ok..he's going to touch me there and its going to last 10 seconds...next is this...now its that... etc etc. You get the picture... I guess when this happens your mind will wander.... elsewhere. My problem was... wanting to be creative and adventurous and having a partner who was not accustomed or willing to change.

Wwwwhhheeewwww... OK.. masterbation will not shorten your penis... shrivel it back to its resting postion but not shorten it. Nor will it make you grow blind. Or Sterile. And what the heck are you doing worrying about propogating at your age. Boys your age worry about Tagging and Bagging a filly for a nice ride. lol. Your sperm count and future reproduction will "NOT" be affected by your self gratification. And at your age... yep.. everything can arrouse you... the wind blows and shwing.... Old boy is up an ready to rumble. lol. Materbation is a natural thing. Those who do...don't tell..and those who say they don't... are lying. and... don't worry about your size.... really.. you fall well withing the bell curve (averages). But I know you will worry about our size anyway... its a man thing. It takes a lot more than penis size to make a great lover.

Bored with making out.............uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh no. I'd say.. for me.. myself... and the way I am... if I'm bored with making out..the Chemistry wasn't there... Becuase.. If the Chemistry is there...OMG.. u want it to go on FOREVER... Its like going into a magical realm where time and place do not exist.... and you are mesmerized, hypmitized..and anything but BORED. But thats just me.

As DarkBlue said... you need to seek help. IMMEDIATELY. The fact that you are blacking out now... should be sending alarms off telling you that you need help. IF.. the Anger Management program or the Dr. you went to see was NOT a good fit.. go to another one. You said yourself... you don't want to hurt someone or yourself. This incident with your sister... was a CLOSE CALL... listen to your instincts which are telling you to go talk to someone. Please please please.......

He told you he still loved you??? As DN asked... have you sought help for your anxieties... was it your annxities that were a catalyst to the break-up of your first marriage???? You really really really should go seek proffesional help. For yourself...but for your son. He needs a mom to be altogther... there's nothing wrong with you that can't be fixed. Right now... there is a lot on your plate. Understandably. I get overwhelmed myself. Go for a walk. Go to the gym... go to your library and get some excersise tapes.. excercise is the best for Anxiety attacks... Through vigorous acitivity you body releases.."happy hormones"... Make lists of what you need to accomplish.. to keep the boat afloat..and then tackle them one by one... in the mean time... go talk to your doctor and see what you can do about getting treatment. Help yourself first...and everything else will fall into place. Your son needs you to do that.... ok???? keep us posted.. and if you need to talk to someone off line.. PM me anytime.

Dog excrement????? huhhhh.... ya know... You always make know how to make me laugh... OK... SEX SEX SEX SEX

Girl83.... you are on the right track. Its not a healthy relationship. Another 2 cents for you... YOU can't fix him. All you can do is set your boundaries of what you will and will not accept. You are young at 22... and its wayyyyyyyy to early for these kind of head-games and being chained to someones ideal. Actually being chained to someones ideals EVER....is a bad thing. Set your boundaries and stick with them. He's gonna get ticked. He's gonna whine. He's gonna fidget....and then he'll do what he will do... either get over it... or move on. Either way.. stick to what you feel is right for you.

Hellfrost...don't beat yourself up over it. Your GF marriage was over before this....truly. No... two wrongs do not make a right. And... darn if we could all strive to be PERFECTION all the time we'd have no need for Religion.

OK... this guy is WAY too controlling and at this stage of the game. Very very insecure and it will only get worse. Personally... I've always had more guys friends than female friends. I've always been able to hang out with the guys and be one of the guys. lol. Have many guy friends who are FRIENDS and eeewwwww am sooo not attracted to them in that way. If I even thought about it I'd spew. However, doesn't mean I don't love them and care about them as people. As human beings. OK.. so your BF's argument may be.. "but guys will be guys and guys can be pigs...." YEP... and the problem with that is....what???? Does he not TRUST you to be able to say... "Yo..buddy, back off".... or to say "NO"..... does he think so little of your self-control that he thinks you may not be able to fend for yourself... or you maybe talked into...whatever whatever??? He's just insecure about himself. Its his problem. Not your's. Why take on his problem and solve it for him. His talking to other girls.....hmmmm sounds like the "pot calling the kettle black...." Look... why is it bad for him to talk to other girls???? same thing goes for you... You have got to get over these feelings of insecurity and doubt. Good relationships are built on the foundation of TRUST. Yep... no one likes to be cheated on... but darn if I've got to keep my man on a leash and babysit him... its just not worth it. Absolutely not. Jealousy within a relationships... starts out like a small spark... when it lights.. you've gotta put out that fire.. or before you know it, you will have one heck of a forest fire on your hands that you won't be able to control and sustaining a relationship amidst jealousy... for any length of time.. is near IMPOSSIBLE. If you gave into his jealousy...and did everything he asked you... you'd lose your sense of self and your identity. You'd soon become a walking talking robot. A puppet he could manipulate at his beck and call. OUCHIE... thats not for me. If the shoe fits.. by all means stick around and wear it.

Well.. I think you are at a stage in your life that you are trying to develop and identity of your own. Those are the teen years. And when you see someone else doing something you want to be doing... or have something you want to have... or being someone you'd like to be... you feel pangs of "jealousy"... "why can't that be me?" Being able to identify it at your age.. is a GOOD thing. You are on the right path. There are many people who can't identify this about themselves and get over it... and the little green goblin just grows bigger and bigger in their heart...and as they get older it can really do a number on their psyche... ruin their friendships.. ruin thier lives..and hurt those around them. YOU??? You are different.. .identifing with it...and calling the Devil that ails you by name... is half the battle. Lucky lucky person you are... Some people... take this "Jealousy" feeling and turn it into a positive.... for instance... friend gets invited to all these parties and I don't.... so instead of hating the friend.. you might try to identify WHY...and then cultivate those social skills that will get you invited to those kind of parties. Orrrr.... the HAVE to HAVE's... you might cultivate.. hmmmmm how do I get from point A to point B.... like so-n-so...and maybe see the path they took as a learning experience. Being jealous...and brooding over stuff... doesn't get you any "PAY OFF"... its non-productive. The "pay off..." is in figuring out what you want.. and being a mover and shaker to get there. However.... someday.. you may get to the point where you surprise yourself... you may look at someone and be "happy" for them instead. Happy that they had a good time. Happy that they have what they want. Happy that they are the people they are and they are friends with you... Try not to compete with what your friends have... or who they are. Look for your own identity and what makes you "happy" truly truly happy. Jealousy.. obviously doesn't make you happy. Soooo figure out what it is that makes you happy...and go for it. Figure out how to get there. AND... have you ever heard the old adage that its better to give than to receive. Giving someone happiness or being happy for them.. is a GIFT. Big time. BIG BIG BIG.. PAY-OFF to you as a person... and to them.