Shadows Light

I'm glad you got yourself into counseling. It will help immensely to sort it all out. Give yourself time to grieve. You said you fell out of love a long time ago. It happens. People grow and they should grow together.... but sometimes it happens that they grow in opposite directions. You have children together. Well.. regardless of how this goes down, you both have the bond of children. Try to remember that even if you live in separate households, or will... you are still a family. And your children will always be your children. Help each other to raise the kids as best as you can. It is possible. Be descent for the childrens sake.

She was surprised that you took off your ring??? hmmm.... Maybe she thinks you capitulated to easily... after the valient efforts you put in and now you are taking it too easily. Well... either way. She's making the descision to move on instead of working on it. See what happens. You are right. The kids need stability. If it doesn't work between the two of you.. it doesn't work. If one is unhappy and the other is perfectly happy... does this a marriage make???? nope. So, you're both right to think about the kids next and how to make their world a safe and loving place. If the both of you can get along for the kids sakes, you'll be able to preserve and nurture that relationship with the kids. Good for you for being calm, cool and collected. The kids will need that.

Relationships are a two way street. Do not let him in turn "manipulate" you either. You said.. Your feelings should not be swept under the rug. And you should not have to scramble and change to suit all his wants. Its a two way steet called compromise. Yep.. maybe he is dragging it out, to get you to squirm. And you know what??? if he is.... thats wrong too. You shouldn't have to beg, borrrow and plead to tell someone you love them... or move the heavens.. just let it be. If it is meant to be ....it is meant to be. Don't compromise yourself or your integrity. Contantly trying to fix it...fix it.. fix it... will leave you tired and resentful at some point and time. He's putting space between you... then .. you know what... you relax...and leave the space between you. This isn't a GAME you are playing with each other.... this isn't a tug of war. Relationships just shouldn't be this difficult. Does it feel like you are dragging a dead weight behind you and working working working working....???? at this stage of where you are at.... it shouldn't be this hard.... Look at it this way. What do you think its going to be like down the line. Lets say you do marry. And there is a mortgage...and then there are chlidren... things will reallly really really get tough quick. During this COURTING phase is when you form your bonds and your trust. That bond and trust is what will hold you together during the tough times. And yes...there will be tough times as sure as the sun rises and sets... its inevitable. If you can not work out your differences in during this phase...and their are lies, manipulation and head-games..... WHOA NELLLY.... hold on to your horses because your life will be one big bumpy ride. Does that make sense???? COWBOY up sister. Take responsibility for yourself. Don't let anyone play games with you. There is NO TIME for it. You have ONE TIME....ONLY ONE TIME ...to go around on this merry go round... you might as well make it as happy and as comfortble a ride as possible. Call him. Get it on the table. And if he's playing pee pee games. Tell him you'll be around.........but you won't wait around. LIFE IS TOO Darned beautiful and to darned short to walk around with a dark cloud over your head. You'll be fine.

Kasers41901 is right, you did it to him. He didn't do it to you. Take the learning that words carry a lot of weight and its difficult to withdraw them once they are said. My situation is totally different. I was the dumper. He the dumpee. But the words that were said... he said he never meant. Or said it in a jest. Or said them on the fly in a fit of anger. Guess what??? Its like the boy who cried wolf.. you say something one too many times and pretty soon... people will take you at your word. And act on those words. There are two choices you have right now. Accept responsiblity for your actions and the reppercussions of them. Or sit there in missery and worry yourself into a tizzy...over and over and over again. Your choice. As to BF... well...you are correct to assume its best not to smother him. Give yourself a bit of distance. Nothing worse than a smothering relationship.... yikes. You have to have room to breathe and to grow. Give him time and space and see what happens. In the mean time. Learn the lesson. And forgive yourself.

The intrique stems from the depth and breadth of emotion that you put down to paper. Very rare on these forums. You express yourself well. As far as your lady love is concerend. You mentioned that there is much chaos in her life and that through this chaos you've seen the real person she is. Is there any chance your feelings may not be that of a "Knight in shining armor" wanting to save her... feeling sorry for her situation...Just a general question, don't get to caught up in it. I can hear the uncertainty in your post. Don't know what to tell you other than what has been said. Maybe she needs to figure out a way out of her "Chao's" before she can look toward any type of normalcy or future. Again... in reference to my first reply to you. It doesn't sound like your back yard is any cleaner. Sounds as if its full of land mines and what not. You might consider looking to what you are going to do with your life and putting your affairs in order. Are you going to stay in your situation....???? and if you are, you need to move to that end to fix it. Is your situation at a cross roads... then you need to move on and take care of busisness. Neither one of you are free from entanglements to pursue any sort of venture to see if its the path you want to take. You mentioned no being able to go on a "real date".... that darlin is paramount to getting to know each other better. I think I pointed that out to someone in another post. Dating or Courting... is how you figure out if all the pieces of the puzzle fit together. And if they don't, you learn from it and you move on. Sooooo, my broken soulful shadow.... pick yourself up.. dust yourself off...and get into the light. Its time you started livnig or figuring out how you are going to do that. ONE PERSON is not responsible for your entire happiness. Its wonderful that you've come up to see the sun.... but now you have to pursue it. Don't make her responsible for ALL of your happiness. Because what if she fails....or you find out truly truly that she isn't all that and a bag of chips. You'll break her heart.

No. Its not your fault if he walks on you. By your posts you sound like a very sensitive caring individual. You shutting down and trying to sort out your feelings, emotions, and thoughts is not a bad thing. Its something you had to do. And he should be understanding enough and caring enough to let you have your space with your feelings and thoughts. So, if he walks dear heart...it is NOT you or YOUR FAULT. Get that out of your head immediately. I left my guy because I wasn't ready for a physical relationship. And I felt that it was infair to him if I withheld. He gave me the whole line of how he understands etc etc... but then he started making "Jokes" or light of my sensitivities infront of our friends. BIG OUCHIE. It gave me more pause for thought.... he was definitley not the guy for me. I'd made a mistake. He was not the guy for me because he was not the loving caring individual that I wanted or needed in my life. And he was not the guy for me because he had NO goals for his life, something which I prided myself on. Sooooo.. .. I took from the experience all the posities that I could and moved on. Give yourself room to think. Give yourself room to feel. And if you do not feel you are emotionally ready for a physical relationship... do not do it.. just to make someone else happy. Thats not the way it works. It has to be a mutual thing. Do not worry about losing him... if he loves you and cares for you then he will remain steadfast. If not.... then let it go. It wasnt meant to be. And it certainly would not be YOUR fault. Admitting to yourself and to him that you are not ready.... is a very adult thing to do. And I applaud you on being able to verbalize your feelings and make them known.

I'm sorry. Truly sorry. But its better for all involved if you step out of this circle and let her take care of her business. You don't need to be a part of a wicked triangle. Or the GET-AWAY vehicle. Get away vehicles get left by the side of the road...much worse for wear.

Ouchie.... ok it could be worse.. hubby could be a Marine. I'd be moving to a different state without a forwarding address. All kidding aside... how the heck could you have known about it unless she told you... so just ask. Find out. Agree with Jetta, get it out on the table and ask her about it. Could be an open marriage... hey, anything is possible. Or she could be legally separated or divorced. Find out. Did you say the sex was the best ever before you knew or after you knew...???

Your posts intrique me. From more than one perspective. We both have a play on the "shadow" in our screen name. So she kissed you eh? Well.... I guess that places the blame squarely where it should be. Give it time and patience. What will be will be in the end.

Sissors. He's on his knees..she's kinda on her side.... one leg up his shoulder. Long legs help for this one.

VERT... what a cool idea. Challenging and fun. Make it a sport... make it competitive (to an extent) its a win/win situation.

I think sometimes the best way is to lead by example. And yes... he's wrong. If he's done NOTHING to rock your world and has been totally selfish...I'd be upset too. How dare he ask you for something he's not willing to give. Kinky eh? have you asked him to explain? give you a hint? drop you a note? send smoke signals? homing pigeons? I know what you mean about being shy. I am anything but shy "normally" and when it comes to.... woooopeee... I'll be the first one to get.... shy. I think first of all, you sometimes don't know what it is you want... or maybe don't know how to ask for it...or you're afraid to ask for it... because you don't want to sound, whatever. Don't know the answer to that problem for you. Haven't figured it out myself. Here's an idea. A couple years ago I got sick of never getting what I really wanted for Xmas. I'd drop hints here and there and everywhere... finally, I put a list of stuff on the fridge... and said.. anyone of these would knock my socks off.. pick one. I'd always get these Xmas gifts that would leave me scratching my head wondering, "what in the world was he thinking.... or was this an afterthought.... " you know what I mean. Soooo ... maybe, an idea would be if you read something on this forum or elsewhere that sounds... "interesting" you might print it out or send it to them... for food for thought. At least then you would get past the blushing to the roots of your hairs with shyness.

My first time was horrendous. It was just terrible. And I'd asked him to stop, he didn't... the pain was like having a sword stick you and twist. Horrible horrible horrible. Anyway. It happened with him that time and that time only. It was shortly there after that I'd decided that although my body was ready, my mind was not. I had some growing up to do. And he just wasn't the one. And yes....... I wish it had been more special. And maybe that would have made all the difference in the world. BTW... it was a long long long time before I'd try it again.

I think sex drive for women waxes and wanes like the shifting of the tides with her hormones. Here's a good rule of thumb for you guys out there... Women have a tendency to have a higher drive around their ovulation time. Usually about days 10-14. The way you count this is the day she starts her period counts as day number 1. You'll find that around day's 10-14 her drive is extremely high. Good news for you...but bad in another respect. This is also a GREAT time for her to get pregnant....LOL... sorry guys, thats the way the human body works. Evolution. So use extreme caution in preventing the inevitable. Sex drive is also dependant on many other factors. Such as 'Stress' factors and depression. If you have a person who is under a great great deal of stress or is depressed, they are just not going to be with it. and yesssssssss........ sex is a wonderful mood enhancer and stress reliever. But the mind is a stronger entiity. If your GF can't get her head around whatever is ailing her...the last thing she'll be thinking about is wooopeee. What makes for a great sex life... personally I'd have to say its not quantity but quality. Quickies are great, not knocking them. But if you have at the very least... one steamy night a week. Thats quality. Hey.... after having experienced major lulls in my sex life... one steamy night a week would be a dream. lol. oK... with a few quickies here and there thrown in for good measure. Also its not all about the act. An orgasm is great...but the build up is better. All the stuff that happens before it. Building each others ego's with looks, glances, touches, small intimicies. Making each other feel good about themselves, wanted, loved, cherished...etc etc. The build up... foundation....and of course the foreplay and pre-lude into sex. How you feel about each other and the depth of emotion. Ok did I veer from the quesiton and what the NORM is???????? hmmmm.... well... I think that depends on the people and the chemistry. What may be normal for one person is not normal for another. Or from couple to couple. Age is also a factor I believe. Men's libido's are at an all time high in thier 20's. And there's a steady decline in the 30's. Where as womens libido's peak in their mid 30's.... I call it gods little joke on us... sssheeeshhh... you'd think we'd be built to be on the same page.

No. I don't love him anymore. A few months back I cried bitter tears over the death of that love. I felt like there was a "DEAD THING" inside of me. It was gone. And I mourned the loss of that. That in and of itself hurt more than anything I think. The trust is sooooo gone. The hurts are sooooo great. Put it this way... having him touch my hand, repulsed me. And that was shocking to me. It shocked me that I felt this way... or didn't even FEEL. And no...I could never tell another living human breathing being that thier touch repulsed me. My problem is .... is that I can not intentionall HURT someone. Bi-Polar... Possibly. Something is not right. He kept saying "this is the way I am wired.... I'm just wired this way.....can't help it...." whatever that meant. He was seeing an ANGER therapist and we were seeing a counselor together. I can not close my eyes and fantasize about a reconcilliation. I don't see him when I close my eyes anymore....I think I've moved on... No...all I see is scorn. Love is not supposed to hurt you. Love doesn't throw acid at you to "make" you or bend you to its will.

No... he's attacking. We had a brief try at reconncilliation back in Dec. I think I did it to make the Pain go away...quickly. I told him the love was gone. I told him I would come back for the kids sake and financial reasons.... for the kids. His nicey nice lasted for 3 weeks... u could see it boiling beneath the surface. So 3 weeks later, 3 marriage counseling sessions later... and he blew a gasket. And ever since then. Everytime he picks up the kids or there is contact its been barbs and arrows attack attack attack. No.. not a horrible man. No one is 100% bad. Else I'd been gone years and years ago. Its more like his anger cycles... cyclical. Difficult to explain that. And the cycles have gotten closer together. Along with the drinking. Appathy etc etc. The gay porn... that just freaked me out... what am I supposed to think????? My cup runneth over. I'm astute enough to know that a person who loses control of his temper, uses personal attacks and profanity on you. Is physically destructive ie breaks objects, its a matter of time before I become an object to get thrown. The respect is gone with the personal attacks and the build up of fear. I'm also well aware that this is NOT a good situation for my children to be around. It affects them. They come to think its common place and this is the way to love. And how long before they become objects. He does not discern if they are in the room or not when he blows. As I said he's even gone after them to correct them... in a manner that is too much overly aggressive. IE Punshment doesn't fit the crime. I can't have them raised that way. I can't have that imprinted on them. Yes... I've used the "D" word with him many times. IE. "How long do you think I can live this way? How long do you think I will put up with XYZ? What person in their right mind would take this... no one but no one would put up with this..." And I'd get a snide comment back like.."oh... thats your answer to everything DIVORCE"... my reply..."what other way or choices do you leave me??" or he'd say.."yeah, well, I always knew you'd leave me. From day one." You see, my parents are divorced... so he puts that guilt on me as if there's some DEFECT in me because my parents divorced after 25 yrs of marriage. I have tried... every self-help book over the years. I have gone to counseling for me. I have gone to counseling with him years ago. He did the anger management thing years ago too. It helped for a while with some things. I even bought the self-help book the SURRENDERED WIFE... which basically tells you to say "Yes, dear" to whatever they say and to build your husbands ego. Can see some validity in that... but it didn't work. By the time I filed for "D"... his demeaner and temper had become outragious. His drinking more. He admited during our reconsile phase he'd been hitting the bottle. He told me he took advantage of me and used me. He said I was a great MOM. and today.... you'd think I'd grown two heads, I'm a horrible woman, I was a bad wife, I neglected him, and I'm a terrible terrible mother and roll model for my children. He'd even said he was always embarrassed by me in public. He's trashed me to "OUR" friends and allienated me socially from anyone we knew. You see...I'll only talk about our "stuff" to a select few trusted friends...who keep things to themselves. And HERE.. if I have to VENT and look for validation or help. BTW... the wedding last night. Horrible. He got blasted. And then was upset when our daughter would not dance with him. She was overly tired and for whatever reason just didn't want to dance. He blamed me. Either he was asked to leave, because I had a few friends watching out for us, or he left on his own accord. Either way... I soooo try to be monotone and cordial. Especially with our children present. They do not need to see this or to know. I think I'm vacillating between that very angry stage and acceptance. I've accepted that sometimes, you just have to do what you have to do. And I am ANGRY. Angry that after all the work and all the stuff I put up with I couldn't swing it around or he wouldn't make the adjustments. I'm angry that its all turned out this way. I'm Angry that I have to start from the beginning. And I am ANGRY for my kids. I love them more than anything in the world. They are the best of me. Children do not have choices.... we create their world for them. I'm Angry that this is what I gave them.

link removed Here's one of my first... posts here. Tip of the iceburg...

Well if I was with a partner and weren't making love for months, weeks, years.... I wouldn't be conditioned into not making love, I'd probably lose interest in said partner because they didn't want me. But I don't think that was your question. Your's was a question of living celebet and forgetting how to be intimate? Making love is a natural bodily function. So it would be like riding a bike. You'd get back on that horse again and... it'd all come back to you quickly. So don't worry about being "rusty". I agree with the previous post. Finding someone or picking just anyone to keep your technique or libido in check and up to snuff isn't the right thing to do. While the adage is that "every cat in the dark is the same." This is not true. We are all unique individuals. A part of the human condition and that's what makes us wonderful creatures and keeps life interesting. Enjoy your time alone and pursue other endeavors which will make you a well rounded person and help you grow. There's more to a relationship than just sex. When the sex and intimacy waxes and wanes with the passage of time... a good conversation and common interests

#1Problem: Dump him. Don't go back. Don't acknowledge him. If you see or hear from him be calm, cool and collected. A controlling boyfriend turns into a more controlling man as time passes. (from experience). -He's a jealous jealous BF. The fact that he doesn't like you mentioning another mans name, places you go, people you talk to etc... will only get worse. CHANGE in behavior while possible takes a long long time to manifest itself. #2Problem: ahhhhh youth. Sometimes its better to let someone taste life than try to explain it to them. Especialy if they are heck bent on heading in that direction and not taking well meant advice. Your cousin is only 15. wwwhhheww! tough call. I agree, a boy who lies, drinks to excess and gets a girl pregnant is starting down the road of irresponsibility. If he was irresponsible with this other girl whats he going to do with your cousin? What responsibility has he taken for the girl who is with child? Disrespect. Your cousin should tell him to grow up and take care of his business.... he's got a child on the way. "Get a job and hit the road Jack"

Ya know... my experience with anti-depresents... I don't even want to have sex when I am on them. BTW... did you know.. Anti-depresents were being prescribed now for men for pre-mature ejaculation... ?? Weird huh? Supposed to slow things down for a guy....make him less hyper sensitive...

Those tests are pretty darn accurate. The faint line probably means either your urine was dilluted or its really early in the pregnancy. Time for you to figure out what you want to do. And how you will support this baby. Just throwing it out there for something for you to think about.... have you thought about adoption... there are many many people desparate to have children who would be able to be great parents and good providers. Keep it in mind.

Nothing kills a relationship faster than distance. So, yes, she may have intended to make friends in the area she is moving to...but in that intent she's also found a "friend friend". Take this with a grain of salt. It's a bitter pill to swallow but let it go. And let it go gently. There is no reason to argue. fight and make a drama out of it. You both take from it something positive and learn from the negatives. Thats what dating is all about. The dance of discovery. If she's distancing herself its a good sign that she's cutting ties slowly. Obviously she doesn't want to face the music or create a huge scene. There are one of a couple ways you can handle this. #1 You can go all Nuts on her and cause a blow-up. Which would effectively achieve the result of cutting all ties. #2 You can keep talk to her quietly and tell her that you've noticed the distance and it bothers you. You can tell her that you "think" she might be developing a "crush" with this internet friend, more than she is willing to admit to you or maybe to herself. Talk about how the distance will affect your relationship and tell her you understand. And you're willing to let it go and let her go in peace knowing that you had a wonderful friendship and that you don't need to burn bridges. #3 You can say nothing. And watch her squirm and see how she finally manages to lower the boom on you. If she lowers the boom on you. Could happen now, could happen before she leaves, or she could just fade off into the sunset. I think you already know how this is going to play out. You only need to decide what rules you want to play by.

OK... I need an ego boost. A positive charge. A kick in the butt. Something. 6 Days till "D" day. Final trial date. And I'm full of anxiety. Too many things are up in the air. Too many worries. The conflict. I don't think my ex is at the point of trying to get me back. He's definitely on the way out. The two points of contention are the division of the house and the children. He wants the lions share of the house. And he just could get it. And he wants shared custody where he would get the kids week on, week off. Kids: I think that a week on, week off is too hard on everyone. My husband lacks patience, is verbally abusive and is unskilled to take care of himself let alone the kids. This is a GREAT concern to me. Not to mention he's gone on and on about how he's going to SAVE the children so they do not turn out like me.... a terrible terrible person who is unable to love or have a sustaining relationship. Becuase I filed for divorce and want out. Home: If he gets the lions share. I won't be able to keep a roof over my kids heads. And it will disturb their lives more than this already has. I am so trying to keep a happy face and to keep everything on an even keel. So the 6 days pre "d" day is causing me great anxiety. Along with trying to keep myself sane. LOL. I can't lean on my friends anymore. I've leaned on them to much that i fear that I have outworn my welcome. No, they haven't said so...but I'm not one to jepordize friendships for myself. And I think I should be alone right now than just wreak havoc around everyone else. I really really want to just pack up our clothes and Run. Drive as far as my meager savings and credit card will take me. And I know...that this is not an option for me. ooooooooohhhhhhh and the best... I have to attend a WEDDING of all things today. And guess who will be there. Not going is not an option. Its one of those have to weddings.

Well... Dave, I don't know what to tell you. Tough spot. Agree with you, animals are very loving. Its amazing how loving and accepting they are of us. And simple too. Just a little water, a little food, a little bit of play time and they just love us. Wouldn't life be much more simplier than if we weren't so complicated as humans. First thing you need to do my friend is find a job. Any job at this point will do. Get out there and get two jobs flip burgers and wash dishes if you have to. And in the mean time apply everywhere. Go to the temporary agencies and sign up. Look for a job painting houses or doing lawns. A great place to get a job is at an old age home. They are always looking for able bodied young men to help. Pay isn't great, but its better than nothing for now. Sit yourself down with a pen and paper. And think about what you want to do with your life. Goals. Goals Goals. Yep.... easier said than done. What are you good at? What do you like? Is education a possibility? And while you are thinking putting paper to pen. Play some of that good blues music in the background...will help you relax and think. Your parents just may loan you the money if they know you are responsible or you can show them you have a plan. A plan to get up and on your feet. They might even give you a place to stay if they can see you are aspiring to creating a life for yourself. You can have your cake and eat it to. It is possible. There have to be jobs out there that you haven't thought about. Yep.... some of them might be a drag...but you might surprise yourself what you'd be willing to put up with to put food on the table. For yourself or your cat.

Go to counseling yourself. Talking to a proffesional can help you sort it all out. And yes, sometimes you may already know the answer and its a hard hard thing to face up to. You can not change him. You can only change yourself. Sure he doesn't hit you. But he mentally hits you with his words, which can be so much worse. Those scars last longer. Yeah... I got it to with the, "If you just listened to me, everything would be just fine." swinging the problems back onto my shoulders. The swearing and name calling..."well they are just words." and I'd get the old... "its just words, sticks and stones... why are you so sensitive?" So that I would start thinking its all my fault. And yes, you find yourself receding into your shell because you don't want to make them angry. You tip toe. Until you can tip toe no longer. Go and talk to a counselor. It does help. And get yourself a back-bone... you will need it. Yes, I hear you... you love him and this is hurting you. Been there, done that. But there comes a time when you have to love yourself more and stand-up for yourself and what you believe in. If you find his behaviour unacceptable to you...then it is UNACCEPTABLE. When he starts swearing. But your hands up...palms out at him and loudly say..."STOP" and walk away. When he cuts you down... tell him its not TRUE...and to CUT IT OUT. There's a book you might find on Amazon called the "Verbally Abusive Relationship" By Patricia Evans. Really good book and defines the breadth and scope of Verbal abuse. Give insight into how people may become this way and how we become the victims. I always said that, you wouldn't put up with this type of treatment from anyone else. Best friends would never treat each other this way... so what gives our significant others the right to treat us this way. Your spouse is supposed to be your best friend and so much more.