Shadows Light

Pressfit... LOL... naaahhhh I'm a big girl now.. I've figured out how to put down the toilet seat. All by myself.... Did I mention that its all about Reciproscity. A woman will give as good as she gets. If you give nothing... you get nothing.

Shy Soul is on the right track. Every woman is different...and everywoman changes like the wind and the weather. I like a man with confidence. A man who sets goals and priorities. Someone who has his "stuff" together... from career to personal life. A balance in business and pleasure. A man who wants to play all the time is fun but he better have a plan for how he runs his life. That is a turn on. Melt??? The little things. Picking a flower from the garden on a whim. Romance. Spontanity. Breakfast in bed. Cook me a romantic dinner. Dance with me w/o music in a parking lot. Make me grin and laugh. Look at the bright side of life. Write me poetry. Nibble on my neck. Butterfly kisses all over. Chocolate... oh yes, chocolate is a favorite. Shower with me. Bathe with me... lol shave my legs. Hold my hand. Whisper sweet nothings in my ear. Just hold me... LOL. Don't get into a routine... make it different everytime. Make it special. Dates: Take me to the museum. Take me fishing. Take me for a walk in the park. Take me to the ball game. Take me to the ballet or symphony... take me to the neighborhood bar. Be kind. Be gentle. Be honest. Be true. LOL... there's a song that comes to mind right about now..."These are a few of my favorite things."

Quiet_observer_guy.... has a great idea. A friend of mine in a pinch with 3 kids who lost her job, called a few churches. She was a 1500 behind in mortgage payments. They quietly made the mortgage payment for her and sent over a few boxes of groceries. This same church has many programs for children and adults. One hand washes another type thing. And its not a "culty" type church. You give when you can, help when you can. Personally... thats what church should be all about. I'll bet if you contacted a few churches in your area, you'd find one that could help you out. And maybe help you with finding a job. Everyone knows someone, and there's more power in numbers. What better place to network and get help than a church. good-luck.

I know what you mean about those movies and books... LOL.. But isn't it fun to dream sometimes... an escape from reality just for 90 minutes or so... lol... I could use a romantic comedy right about now.. just to lift my spirits a bit. BTW... I absolutely adore that accent of yours... I can hear it in your writing. Take care... and PM me anytime you need a chat.

BtBt- You are absolutely right. TV and Movies potray the ideal. LOL. Just like we all watched the BRADY BUNCH when we were kids..and wished we had a cool family like that. Romance novels do the same. Idealize love to the 9th degree. However, I'm an optimist...and would like to believe that most people enough up in their noggins to know that TV is just TV. Romance novels are fantasy. And what happens in the movies is not the real deal. Everyday life is shlepping around and trying to find our way through this maze. No doubt about it. Everyone's situation is different. And everyone has different tolerance levels... or different levels to what they would find acceptable in their relationship. Even with the day to day schlepping of STUFF... I think that life is just so absolutey beautiful... there are just tonz of stuff to see, do, experience... and laugh about. If you find yourself crying more often than laughing... you need to find out why. And what you can do to change your situation. Only you are responsible with how happy you are in this lifetime...and what makes you happy. No one else can do that for you. But it doesn't me...they have a right to steal your show either and poo-poo on your parade.

Sminty... hey.. could be worse... it could be you'd get "Luv" once a month... or every 2 months... or 3 months... and have him come up with every excuse in the book about WHY..... Hell... I'd be happy with every Saturday night.... it'd give me something to look forward to.

I'd have to agree with OGRobzGr8 very very very well written and stated. You need to love yourself before you can love someone else. You need to define yourself before you will know what is right for you. Take a break from BOTH men. And look to yourself and becoming the woman you were meant to be.

IMO.. love is 24/7.. its not just the words...actions speak louder than words. Its not all about the intimacy either. Its about consideration and understanding. Being friends with someone. Truly truly friends. And by showing him you love him with all the little things... I don't mean becoming a door-mat either... you need to keep your self-respect. LOL...and remember the golden rule: Love someone as you would be Loved.

> "Planned Parenthood" would be a great idea. Because they will talk to you about STD's, what they are, and how you can get them. They'll also talk to you about pregnancy and prevention. If you choose to go on contraceptives. They will give you a pelvic exam. Just like a gyno would. And even take a culture to make sure you don't have any STD's currently. They can put you on the pill... and you can also get condoms from them. Just because you're on the pill... don't think you are home free... use a condom. Planned parenthood can also do pregancy checks and help you should you become pregnant. They offer counseling about what your options might be. They are totally confidential. If they need to call you to leave you a message...lets say your "pap" smear comes in positive...then they'll just say CAROL called. Its code. Or they may have devised a different method where you can contact them for test results. I don't know if they have a website.. but you might want to check it out. And yeah.... make sure your BF washes his hands and has clean nails... you don't want any nasty infections. If he's got cruddy stuff under his nails... do him a favor and tell him. Guys lack education too... I know my guy didn't know a darn thing about periods or had vague knowledge of the workings of a female body. You might want to talk to your boyfriend about his roughness... he may not realize or know.. he's going by your responses, and if you don't tell him, "YO... darlin..that hurts..ease up cowboy"...he's going to keep doing what he thinks is giving you pleasure..and a good time will not be had by all. LOL... and if you say it that way adding an endearment or two, he won't feel too threatened, but probably appreciate the coaching. Agree with last poster about buying lubricant. Stay away from Vaseline or babyoil... you need something water soluable like KY or Astal Glide or some such. Granted these maybe hard to chamaflage at home...so don't think you can get away with vaseline. Vasleline holds bacteria in...and you will get a nasty infection. Call planned parenting... and they can answer any an all questions like these. The dr. I had was really nice. And was able to answer my questions. Their there to help you make educated choices and transition into the adult world. Why do it the hard way.

Dr. Sue Johnson... has an excellent website...Talk Sex. May help you out with questions. Agree with the other posters. May be too much in her head and not relaxing enough or if meds are involved it could hinder it. Communication is the key. Your gf needs to tell you when you've hit the right spot.... and when you have...keep doing what you are doing.

Drink Plenty of liquids and get plenty of rest. You probaby have come down with a virus, cold or flu...and had it before you had sex. The sex just depleted you of your energy. And if you weren't into it... then you were probably "dry" so that would explain all the vaginal soreness accompanied by all your other symtoms. It's probably too early for an STD to show up. Theres an incubation time... I'm sure. As with all other infections. Go give yourself a hot bath in some epsom salt. To relax sore muscles... take some tylenol or the like.. drink lots of water or juice and go to bed. Get a good nights sleep...You'll feel better by tomorrow morning. If in doubt... call "planned parenthood" they are a great source of information. And will be better to help you and protect you from "STD's" Next time... use a CONDOM. I can't stress that enough. Protect yourself so you don't fall into this doubt again.

Yes... he could have scratched you. The white substance could just be your own "juices". Your body will do its best to repair itself. I still suggest you make an appointment with "planned parenthood" If you haven't had sex then... it may be immenant, so forwarned is forarmed. And get your boyfriend to cut his nails. Make sure he has clean hands and fingernails.... you don't need any bacterial infections up there. keep it clean. I hate to sound like a MOM... But its advice I'd give to my own daughter... or anyone else your age.

Did you recently have sex for the first time? Could you have injured yourself in someway? Do you have cramping up??? If you were internally bleeding honey, you'd be cramping up in pain. It may be your "cherry" some people bleed, some people don't. I didn't... probably due to many years of Horse Back Riding. If you start cramping up really bad, you need to tell someone and you need to get medical attention. Is there someone you can talk to? Your mother??? An Aunt? someone older?? Its probably ok sweetheart... just relax. If you start bleeding alot, watch for signs of cramping and fever. And if that happens then you need to tell someone right away. Don't know what part of the country you are form or what part of the country if US. But look in the yellow pages for "Family Planning" or "Planned Parenthood"... they are a really good resource for young ladies. Everything is confidential. You do not have to give them your real name..and they will protect your identity. They can help answer any questions...and even set you up for an appointment to get checked. They are a NON PROFIT organization... so don't worry too much if you do not have the money. Since you have become sexually active. It would be a good idea to go see them anyway. They can help you with Contraceptives to make sure you do "NOT" get pregnant... or get and "STD's". Knowledge is power. And you need to protect yourself. So make sure you call someone and get yourself protected. OK???

I agree with BTBT. I think I read your excerpt in a book... "Feeling Good - The new Mood Therapy" by David D Burns, MD. Great book. Lots of excersises...and he has you keep a diary recording your moods and your feelings. I do a simple calandar along side... X's for bad days... checks for good days... and see if you see a pattern. You've been through alot kiddo. Who wouldn't be depressed or a little weirded out. Boyfriend no. 1 dying.. Boyfriend no 2 leaving... and No. 3 pregnancy.... You didn't say... have you already had the baby??? because with pregnancy comes all sorts of Hormonal behavioural stuff. Even up to a year after the baby is born... post partem.... Do yourself a favor... and Go see a Therapist for a quick look. It wouldn't hurt. Meanwhile.. while you are waiting for your appointment... make sure you are eating enough, drinking plenty of water... sleeping at least 8 hours...and get excersise.... WALK... get out and WALK. Even if you don't feel like it... get a pair of headphones on.. with HAPPY music...and get out there and move. It'll perk you right up. It'll elevate those serotonin happy hormones and help you think clearer. Don't self diagnose...and don't let friends do it for you. Ever take a phsycology class??? wheewwww.... there's a phenomenon that happens to a lot of students.. they start thinking they have every symptom in the book.... don't do that to yourself. If you think you might have something going on... go talk to someone. For yourself...but mostly for your childs sake. Your baby needs his mother, happy and in good health. In the meantime..... take care of your body. Concentrate on taking care of you physically and emotionally. And the rest will sort itself out. It always does. Feel free to PM me at anytime.

I agree... this is something he has to do himself. Tell him you will be there for him as a friend. This was very difficult for you hear, just think about how difficult it was for him to tell you. He'll need his friends now and your support. Try not to judge, just be there and love him for who he is. Many blessings to you and to your friend.

Relax. If you put the condom on in the shower...you probably should have gone for it then. Doggie and you still had problems.... hmmm... I'm a woman, so I wouldn't know how to answer this question. But I can tell you from personal experience, anyone I've ever been with gets highly aroused when I'm in this position. LOL... and its usually a position that gets them to pre-maturely ejaculate. I agree with one of the posts above. Maybe she just didn't excite you... pretty face aside. And your best sexual organ "is" your mind not your penis. Your mind controls the rest of you. You're thinking about it too much... or you're thinking about STD's too much. Fishy smell? hmmm how bad...Women do have an odor. But not an overwhelming one. Dr. Sue Johnson on Talk SEX just covered this subject 2 episodes ago... you might check out her website.... A strong Fish smell is not an STD but a type of Yeast. Relax... relax relax relax. Don't go so far into your head about "what if's.... " Those what if's haven't happened. You'll be fine.

Also.... affairs usually have a short lifespan. She may just be giving it time to peter out...so she can watch the fireworks. Her drama not yours. Or are you the husband???

There may be a lot of reasons for her staying. There are many people who stay married, "Just for the kids sake". There are people who stay married for financial reasons. There are people who stay married because they are comfortable with the way they are. There are people who have open marriages. There are people who become not interested in a physical relationship with thier spouse...they get what they need out of the relationship without the intimacy, they love thier spouse enough to understand, they have needs, and letting them have thier "flings" keeps status quo. Doesn't mean she has a low self esteem. It means its her... or should I say "their choice" It's their choice...and if its ok for them... then it works. I have a small problem though with...."allowing"him the lattitude of having a "side dish" and reserving to change her mind at anytime. This is a bit controlling. Keeping him on a leash. She decides when to yank it??? hmmm... interesting. If I were the guy, I'd have a problem with that. I'd also worry about her taking her time quietly to get all her eggs in a basket financially and give him the boot. LOL. Trust in a relationship is difficult enough. Trust in this type of relationship is precarious at best. But... if it works for them. And they are happy. Who are we to judge... what is right.

You're an adult diagnosed with ADHD? Wow. Thats the first I've heard of it. I'm happy to hear that you are working on you. Anger management, medication and finding ways to make positive changes in your life. I think that is very admirable. And I wish you well. Do not think unkindly of your ex. And I say this from experience. She's reached the end of her rope and her trust is at an all time low. Maybe time apart will do you good...or maybe its time to move on. Both of you learning from this experience and growing in positive ways. Hiking eh? good for you. Physcial activity is good for the body and great for the happy hormones you need to keep yourself balanced. Stick with it. And try to keep a positive attitude. Its hard, I know...you'll have your good days and you will have bad. Such is life.

I like what YONIK had to say. Although it may be an unpopular truism. Give yourself time to grieve.... what might have been, both ways. What might have been had you not had an affair...what might have been had your affair worked out. Take a look at what worked and what didn't work with you in both relationships. What are the things you can work with and change in your relationship with your wife that will make it more fufilling for the both of you. Dr. Phil has an excellent book "Relationship Rescue"... you might start there and see if it has anything in it for you. If you feel that therepy is not working for you. Maybe switch therapists and see if you have better rapport with another therapists. Think about today... and put the past behind you. You are ok.....

I agree with ABC and his chineese motto. So very true. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. If your friendship is a strong one and she's not on the same page with you. She'll still be there for you. And who knows, maybe it'll give her something to think about.... There was a country tune..."Lets give em something to talk about...." Where two people were "Just" friends and those around them started talking about "HOW" close they were... and it gave them the idea that... hmmm just maybe.... Tell her and get it off your just. Honesty is the best policy. You'll feel better to get it off your chest and get it on the table.

First of all... you are a very very very strong woman. Having gone through everything you have been through with him... and skipping back and forth accross the pond. Do not doubt that you have strength. You have got to leave him. And you have got to leave him ASAP. Can you lean on any of your family? Your brother? Just to get you back stateside. This is a long-shot... but how are you with your ex-husband, the father of your daughter. Could you lean on him, without going into too much detail of what you are going through? Do not worry about the rumor mill on base. Thats the first thing you have to do. Is stop worrying about what people are going to say. Why should you care. You did NOTHING wrong. Why should you enable and protect him? He is obviously not protecting or taking care of you. He's using you. And he's projecting his inadequacies onto you. Making you his scapegoat so he doesn't have to be responsible. Frankly, I'm appalled that someone like him is in the service to this country at all. He's promised to protect and serve. The strong protect the weak. He doesn't sound like he has a strong bone in his body. "You frequently find him by the side of a road???" OMG. You need to pick yourself up off the floor. You have hit rock bottom... and there's only one way to go. UP. Get a plan. Enlist anyone who you think may help you. And part of that plan is NC with him. Absolutely NC with him. You need to build yourself up again and operate from a position of strength. Cowboy up girlfriend... you said you have a daughter. Would you want this type of life for her? If she would sit down and tell you this story... what would you tell her? What would you do?.... You'd say get rid of him, and be rid of him. Stand-up and fight for your rights. You have the right to be free, you have the right to be happy. Don't know what branch of the service you are working for... but I'll tell you whats helped me get through my problems thus far... I keep it plastered everywhere I can see it, to remind me. A marine corp motto: "IMPROVISE, ADAPT & OVERCOME" PM me anytime if you need to talk... let me know how you are doing.

1. - - one incident that has stayed with me was from a comedic boyfriend when I was 18. I was probably physically ready for sex at that age, but wasn't emotionally or mentally ready... He teased me in front of others about my viginity...and his little problem. LOL. It was too close to home. I'd say that was crossing the line. - My ex would make remarks about my family... or things about me that can't be helped. His favorite was doing this infront of other people. And then say it was a JOKE, when I told him how I felt. Jokes that hurt are crossing the line. If I wake up in the morning and look like Medusa...thats funny, I can handle it. My ex would say that I couldn't handle a joke... I was too sensitive...well his jokes weren't funny, he was the only one laughing. - I don't think its an age thing. At least not for me. I think it would be great to be married to a Tom Hanks type of guy who could make me giggle and not take it all so seriously. . - I think its attrractive right from the get go...but as long as you are multi-faceted and can show your sensitive and serious side of you as well. I think a woman would like to know that when the chips are down and life gets rough... you are serious enough to be able to help problem solve, albeit with a little bit of sense of humor.

Agree with Life... Therepy does wonders. I'm currenty talking to someone and some of the things I"ve listed above are things I do to keep me busy. By all means.. go see someone to talk to. Its really really an eye opener...and it will make you feel tonz better...

I can understand where you're coming from. I remember when.... lol and that was eons ago. How lucky you are to have the net...and to be gathering information. It shows that you are very nice guy and very considerate. OK.. the other posts were all on the right path. Take it slow and follow her lead. You'll find that kissing comes naturally. Most of the time your eyes can be closed. And if you want to take a peak then do so. If your noses do bump...then just grin and laugh about it good naturally. I've been kissing for a long time and it still happens. Slobber is not a good thing, a girl doesn't like to feel as if she's been licked by a Saint Bernard.. so try to control that... (swallow)... and remember to breathe... its ok to breathe. Butterfly kisses on the corner of her mouth, accross her cheek and to her ear. Butterfly kisses on the tip of her nose and her eyes. Butterfly kisses on her neck. French Kissing: Usually kisses start out soft and just like pecking and buttterfly kisses...and then they move into french kissing. Don't stick your tongue all the way in her mouth.. maybe stick it in to touch her lip. Running your tongue accross the top of her lip is a very nice move. And then just touching her tongue briefly. You asked about motion... hmmm well, yeah sometimes French kissing is like fighting a duel with swords... she moves her tongue into your mouth and then recedes and then its your turn...and then you tango. Don't worry... Kissing is a very natural natural thing. And if she's been kissed before, then just mimic and follow her lead. Before you know it, you'll develop your own personal style and preferances. I think there may be a few places out on the net that you can look it up too. If you need further info or clarification. And yes... every guy I've ever kissed, kisses differently. Its almost like a "finger print". At least to me it is. You'll be fine. Relax. And have fun. And do please remember to be responsible.... Be responsible for all the stuff that comes AFTER KISSING...and be careful, considerate and respectful. For yourself and for your partner.