Shadows Light

LOL... ok.. other than not rolling over and falling asleep. I like to kiss and cuddle and bask in the after-glow. Its a good time to talk about likes and dislikes and dare I say fantasies. Take the time to cuddle and talk...and maybe it'll give you enough time to rev your engines for round #2.

KSKM... I agree with you 100%. I didn't mean that they didn't work for women.. I meant that we just take a lot longer to totally satifify. I agree with your other posts... absolutely love making them "Happy" its like watching a fire works display on the 4rth of July and I'm the one who pulled the trigger. Major Major fun. And recipirocity at a later date... HECK YES... have to have the favor returned. Actually, you can turn it into a game... give him that look that says.."I'm about to rock your world.." and watch them melt. OR... see the little devilish twinkle playing in their eyes that say's "Its your turn." And a quickie can be lots of fun. Fun can be had by all.

I agree with Hazlcha. I think sticking to what you believe in and setting your boundaries is a good idea. If you do not subscribe to the "Friends with benefits" idea, then stick to it. And I applaud you for being open and honest and telling him exactly where you stand on that issue. He's confused? What does he have to be confused about? Is he just coming out of a relationship himself? If he has, maybe he hasn't processed through it yet. Be his friend. Be open and be honest. A good friend in this world is a very rare find, and few and far in-between. I'd take having a good friend anyday over having an ex-lover.

Ok... I definitely agree with Annie. You have got to get a back-bone up and STOP checking those e-mails. He won't change the password. Well find a way to delete his on-line name from your computer. Or go get a parental control program and have one of your friends block that particular web-site from you being able to get in. Secondly, drinking is not a solution. You are a smart girl, you know this in your heart of hearts. Has it worked to this point? No. So you need to move on? Then begin to "LIVE"... get busy with something. A hobby. Go for walks. Start a nutrition/excersise program. Those endorphins you get from excersise are happy hormones, they'll lift your spirits. Go out with friends. Just stay busy. Keep a journal. You can't write anything heavy in there..write happy stuff. Find something about today that was special. Something you noticed that lifted your spirits. Start a WISH SCRAP-BOOK. Cut out of magazines clothes, furniture, vacation spots... stuff that really rocks your world. Things you can work toward. Things that make you happy. Go to the library and find new music to listen to. Here's an idea, as goofy as it may sound, when's the last time you colored with crayons in a coloring book? One of my friends bought me a coloring book and a box of 64 crayola's, its the most soothing thing in the world to just sit there and color. LOL. Weird, I know. But its soothing. And creative. And take it one day at a time. Today. Think about today. And think about all the things that you have that are good and wonderful in your life. A friend of mine once said: "what the heck do you have to be depressed about? You live in the greatest country in the world. Do you live in a home with dirt floors and have to walk 5 miles every day just to get fresh water?" Well... no. I guess not. "Life is full of abundances that we take for granted on a daily basis." Go buy yourself some flowers. Go outside and lay on a blanket and paint pictures with the clouds. Enjoy the little things life gives you everyday. And before you know it things will look different. You'll have a better perspecitve on the situation. And you'll surpise yourself that you have moved on. In case your thinking revenge: LOL well, they say that the best revenge is "LIVING WELL".... so choose to "Live" and start today.

Well.. here's the thing. Its true that only you can make that decision to quit and only you can find your motivator. I quit when I wanted to get pregnant years ago. I liked to smoke. I liked it with my morning coffee. I liked it after dinner. I liked it after sex. I just liked it. But... my motivator was I wanted a child. Do you ever get over wanting a ciggarette? Well... once you get over the hump of withdrawls and you've been away from it for a while. The smell of smoke on someone else will make you gag. Big time. Just knowing you used to smell this way may re-inenforce you not to start up again. Will you still have the urge? Yes. From time to time you'll crave it. And the longer you've been away... the better you'll be able to fight it and say "NO". So, my advice to you is...find your motivator. Besides the health stuff etc. How much $$ do you spend a week? OK... what can you buy in a years time with that money? A VACATION? A down payment on something you want to have? Well... let that become the object of your desire. Something to work towards. There are tons of self-help books out there. There are even 1-800 call in help lines...check out the philip-morris web-site, I'm sure you'll find a lot of litterature on how to stop. (the irony of it, cracks me up). Anyway, choose your d-day and then dump your smokes down the latrine. Break everyone of them and flush them. But have a PLAN. Have lots of gum on hand. Candy. And drink lots of water. Make sure you have lots of distractions to keep you busy.. go rent some movies out for the weekend. Plan on taking walks around the block. Or buy some NICORETTE Gum to ease you through the transition period. If you want it bad enough you can do it. Take it from someone who really really really liked it. I just wanted to be a mommy more. Soooo.... get your plan together and just quit. Good-luck. And hey... PM me if you need a quitting buddy or coach. I'd be happy to be there for you and talk you through.

I like a guy with a wicked sense of humor. I have a dry wit myself. I don't mind a little bit of sparring and teasing, as long as the sparring doesn't become personal. Meaning if what you are teasing me about sounds like a personal attack. I'll probably wing one at you and tell you to stop. There are tonz of women out there who appreciate a good sense of humor. Maybe you should try for balance. Remember the old saying, too much of a good thing... is just too much. But definitely, definitely try to go for someone closer to your own age. 17 is a bit young. And whats the adage... 17 will get you 20. So be careful. And keep your sense of humor by all means... sometimes thats the only thing that gets me through the day. Being able to laugh about it all.

Well.. there is your answer. Friends you do not have. So how about you start building a social life. What do you like to do? Do you work out? go to a gym... its a good place to meet other people. Do you listen to music??? what type.... I'm sure there is a band playing at a local pub somewhere you can go check out and there strike up a conversation with someone. How about some type of club.... or there are lots of summer fairs going on this time of year. There are bands there in the evening, go and hang out, strike up a conversation with someone. Library? Book-store? Coffee House... get yourself a good book and go to the local coffee house. Art Museum. Sporting events. Dare I say, Church... if you are into organized religion there are tons of churches with clubs and singles dances etc. OR........ how about, becoming a volunteer. Volunteer at the local hospital. Or the local old folks home. Senior Centers are always looking for volunteers, and let me tell you, there you will meet the most interesting people with the most interesting Histories. Get busy... and you will soon find "light and love" Its everywhere, you just have to put yourself out there a little bit. And the NC rule with your GF... good-idea. Keep busy and have NC. Time will be yourbest ally.

15 is very young for a young lady. And you moved in 2 years ago.. that would have made her 13 years old. Lots of growing left to do...mentally, physically and spiritually. Obviously you have a job and that is how you are able to pay the bills and not be a burden in this household. I applaud you for that. Have you thought about your future? Not your love life...but your future. You said you gave up on college to be with her. Is there a community college near-by? I'm a big advocate of education. You can't go wrong by educating yourself if you have the chance. If your grades were good in HS and you have a particular interest you'd like to follow. My suggestion to you is to get busy trying to "LIVE"... and by that I don't mean just your love life. Start building goals for yourself...what do you want to do. What do you want to have. Where do you see yourself in 5 years...and how are you going to get there. To often, people fall in love and forget that they are separate entities. They begin living for each other and get so wrapped up in one another they forget to "live" forget to grow themselves. Then when one descides its time to grow or find other interests. The one left behind feels jilted and abandoned. I think that is kind of describing what is happening to you. She's growing up darlin. I'm not saying she's losing interest in YOU...but she's growing up in other ways. Long term this may or may not include you.... time will tell. Give her the room to grow-up. Give her the room to be a teenager. And you, find something to get busy with. Other than being pre-occupied with your girlfriend. You might find that it may alleviate some of the anxiety you are feeling. And many new and exciting doors will begin to open up for you. Whats that old adage about "if you love something...set it free..." If you love her... you'll let her grow-up into the young lady she was meant to be.

Thats great, see ...find people with like interests..and then use that interest as a conversation starter... it'll take off from there.

Yes... I have noticed you pick each others traits up. This scares the crap out of me. Some of the traits I've picked up is "Yelling"... and sarchastic barbs, and being overly critical. I've become a person I really don't like and don't want to be. Its just not me... its as if a part of myself was absorbed by him, I've become someone else to respond to his behavior. We cycled together. There was a book I read.."Dance of Anger" that explains this phenomenia. I'm also afraid of taking this "baggage" into another relationship and becoming the abuser... instead of the abused. wheeew. The thing that works in my favor is being conscience of it. And working on it so it doesn't cycle again.

Shen, I am so glad reading through your posts that you are feeling better. Yes, distance does wonders. Did he ever say what initially upset him? And were you able to express your hurts.. as in "when you did this... it made me feel this way.." My therapists and books I've read say that it's an effective way to get communication rolling along. Number one it defines the issue, and secondly it tells the other person what your boundaries are and how crossing that boundary makes you "feel". Just a thought for the future if anything ever crops up again. Shadow

You've hit the nail on the head. I think I've done all these things to find relief. I'm the "dumper" and it makes it no less easier dealing with a failed long term relationship. Is there something wrong with "Misery loving company"... just asking. I have a few friends who are at various stages of pre and post break-up...and it helps I think smooth out the rough times. Lending someone and ear or being listened to... and actually "heard". Music. LOL. Have found a whole new genre of music I never knew existed. Listening to everything from Country to Alternative metal. And I love it. LOL... I'm 38 yrs old...and I've discovered that when I'm in a mood, listening to heavy metal, the louder the better, alleviates the hurt I feel. Too funny. Excersise: Yep, it works. A simple walk around the block or through the park. Am seeing the depth of colors these days. The beauty of trees and flowers....and painting pictures with the clouds. Can't remember the last time I've done that. Yes... there are good days. And there are bad days. I keep a calendar and simply mark down what type of day it was... check for good. X for bad. And I keep a diary so I can see what triggers those bad days. Have noticed more good days than bad days, I think I'm on a roll. Am learning to take it one day at a time. Still having difficulties putting the past behind me and wondering if I could have done things differently. And how I contributed to this mess I am in. I do not want to repeat this ever again. Ex is still very much in contact. With children you have to be. Every once in a while he tells me that I will be a "miserable, bitter old woman... all by myself." Its difficult to deflect the barbs and not absorb and process them. Am learning. Thanks for your post. It's very good and concise.

Offshore, Completely understand where u are coming from. Feel the same way... miss the intimacy of a relationship; need to be held, need the cuddling and the warmth...but somehow to afraid to get too close to the fire. Learning what it is to be me and to live again. Trying new things... new genre's of music, new genre's of books... reconnecting and finding out who I am. And it sounds like you are on the same recovery path. I think its ok. They say time heals all wounds. So give yourself time to learn to love "you" again.

I agree with DN... things that happened to you as a child can be so much more overwhelming and stay with you longer. As a child you are still growing, learning what the world is all about and forming your identity. I'm sorry that you had this experience and that it has imprinted on you so deeply that now you are having trouble getting past it. Things that happen to children imprint themselves so deeply on their phsyce and affect who they are later in life. But don't despair... you can get past this. You may never forget...but you can overcome. Try talking to a therapist and see if they can help you find your way on the path again.

My ex didn't like to be touched. For example: watching a movie and my running my hand up his arm or thigh abscently. And it wasn't just watching movies, it was all the time. He just didn't like it. Me? I'm a touchy person. Love to touch and be touched. I think it may just be a personal preference. Have you talked to him about it?

There is nothing else that she can base that opinion on besides you've gone to alternative bars to listen to DJ's???? Personally...it strikes a chord with me because I was married to a guy and there were red-flags all over the place...and yep.. I questioned his orientation.. in the beginning. And then there were times during the marriage that I thought...hmmm somethings not right... and finally.. I found tons of gay porn on our computer... and he said he was just "curious"... hmmmm. I left the marriage........and this was not the sole reason. Just a sliver of the many other reasons. Lot of hard data to anylize and process.... to form an intelligent decision of cutting loose. Anyway... I don't think I'd have left if he'd gone to listen to music a few times at an alternative bar. Not enough data to come up with an anaysis that would cause me to "worry". Ssssssssssoooooooooooo... I guess, unless you can talk to her and reassure her in some way.. then you're better off with the NC and move on. Don't give it a second thought. Her issue not yours.

Well.. if your schoolmates arn't of any interest to you then you can find friends elsewhere. So you're into computers? fixing them.... I'm sure there are some techies out there who would fit the bill..and share the same interest. Are you a gamer? See if you can connect with someone who likes Comp games as well. Or... try something that you have never tried before but would like to.....like some type of sport... or an art class... playing chess... some type of club. You'll find like minded individuals. I applaud you for staying true to yourself. If you don't want to drink... you shouldn't be bullied or teased into it. If you don't want to smoke.. why bother... its and expensive nasty habit anyway. I applaud you for not following the sheep... but being an individual. That is a wonderful wonderful trait to have. You may not see it now....but in years to come it will bring you peace of mind. A previous poster said that you don't need a mulititude of friends.... you just need one. And they are correct... keeping score and judging your self worth by the number of friends you have doesn't make you a better person. My advice to you .... don't worry so much. And LIVE... experience life... try new things sports, music, clubs, art, whatever.... but remain true to yourself. ...and the friends... will come. BTW... when someone invites you over to fix a PC... great... soooo what do they do with their free time... what type of music do they listen to? Start off a conversation...and I'm sure that you'll find something in common... or something that you can build that friendship on. Don't think of it as "they are using you to get something for nothing...." maybe they've got a talent that would be beneficial to you... maybe they're currently listening to a very cool band.... ask if you can borrow the CD...and see what you think.... Friendships are built with time. It doesn't happen overnight. And... don't be so overly critical. Everyone is unique and different...and have their quirks. Multi-faceted. Keep yourself open to everyone and don't shut the door on them right away.

I think thats great... wonderful. Make sure you don't move to quickly for either one of your sakes and this time set boundaries and ground rules. What worked. What didn't work. And make it fresh and new.

Some people don't handle confrontation very well. His issue not your's. He couldn't face you and may have thought it would hurt you less or be less drama if he just disappeared. Pick yourself up.. dust yourself off.. and tomorrow is another day.

You need to be firm and to the point. "I do not want to talk to you... I do not want to see you...I do not want any contact with you." Very very firm. In charge and unemotional. Don't go into any lengthy explanations about anything... just cut and dry. The SICK to your stomach feeling.... its your fight/flight response telling you something is WRONG... so listen to it. And be FIRM with him. If he doesn't leave you alone... start documenting and seek protection orders legally.

She needs to be the one to make the move. Going back to him is only putting a band-aid on the problem. This will not get better it will only get worse. And how sad that she feels, she's numb to it... becuase its been going on for so long. Certainly must be tough for you as a "friend" to watch from the outside....but there's only so much you can do. You've been placed in a very difficult triangle. Darned if you do... darned if you don't. Talk to her about seeking help... a womens crisis center, an abuse hot-line, talk to someone so she can get help with acknoledging that this is happening. Her self-esteem has got to be at an all time low because she feels she's doomed to this fate. Does she have family she can confide in. Have her talk to someone other than yourself... so she can get validation and maybe get the courage to get out.

"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. Yes Jetta, this is considered abuse. Verbal and Emotional abuse is still abuse. Based on all your previous posts which I've kept up with, your ex-husband sounds controlling and manipulative. Lack of sleep leads can cause you all sorts of difficulties... sleep derpivation. He may be doing this to you to egg you on and to get you to snap. incidentally, sleep deprivation is a form of torture used to motivate someone to your will. Be direct and firm with him. "Do Not Wake me up again!" "Stop that..." And do what you can to move as soon as possible.

Dark... Hey if I don't love me who will... right??? As to the short term flings... don't agree.. think a person should just be who they are and not false advertise... even short term, don't sell yourself short. Whats the point? Just to get laid? oooooookkkkkk.... well if it works for you... great. Whatever floats your boat and rocks your world.

You should be "yourself" because then what you put out...you will attract. If you are "fake or phoney" the pretense is too difficult to keep up and she'll be disillusioned with you quickly. And quite frankly you will not be happy either having to pretend to be someone you are not. There's nothing wrong with "dark & brooding"... if its who you are and who you are happy with being. If you arn't happy with yourself and in your own skin... then you make the change..albeit a little at a time. Takes 21days to make a small behavioral change...but changes should be for you.. not for anyone else. LOL.. give yourself a little bit of credit. I'm sure there is someone out there that will be attracted to you for you. I dated someone who sounds a lot like you.... Yep.. the dark and brooding side of him scared me. Just a bit. But this man had a depth and understanding to him that was intriqueing... and quite endearing. And if you looked just right...and got close enough to him... just beyond that surface darkness..was the brightest light... a light he didn't even know he had. Or was trying very hard to hide. I suspect..and I could be wrong.. the dark and brooding to be a facade to cover the fact that someone with so much depth... is also that much vulnerable and can be hurt just as deeply. Be yourself... soooo true.. you'll find her. And it will have been worth not giving up your essense and being "fake". Me??? I've given up long time ago on trying to all out impress.... they see the good and the bad...and have to take it for what they will because...I am as I am.

Maybe he's not ready either... he's still living with is ex. Proximity must be very difficult for him to put things behind him....if at all. He maybe having second thoughts about the ex....or being pulled into two different directions. I'll bet he regrets having started something with you because he hasn't fully closed the door on relationship number one. Catch 22 situation for him. Why do I think that? His passionate kiss and embrace good-bye... and then the embrace and kiss on the forhead... Give yourself time to heal from your last relationship. Give him time to sort out his life. In anycase, a good friend is always good to have..... always.