i don't know what to say first.
i feel very uncomfortable doing this, and i'm not the greatest with speaking about my feelings. i don't want to sound high and mighty, but i don't want to be here. but the fact is...i'm desperate. i no longer no what to do. the only person i can speak to doesn't listen, and it seams she doesn't care. i don't talk with others about my feelings, it's not that i am trying to avoid the problem, i just don't like talking about it with others...maybe i'm afraid of their judgement, or maybe i just don't want to admit to them that there's a problem.
anyway. i suppose i better give you some background information. i'm 19, and she is 15. i also stay with her family (not as a freeloader, i pay my share of the bills). now i don't want you to think what most people think when they hear these ages. because that's not me. you may not believe me, and there's nothing i can do to change your opinion, i suppose, but it sickens me. this world greatly sickens me. from sex to drugs and drinking; greed and violence to arrogance and snobbiness. it all just sickens me. and perhaps this is part of the problem. for one, she wants to be a singer. but she sings filth songs like gretchen wilson about drinking and partying. i can't bare to hear the songs. and she knows it. but she doesn't care. all she seems to focus on now is becoming famous, and i no longer seem to hold a place in her life. i'm like a doll that she can just toss aside when she's done playing. she always seems to have time for other things. singing, going out, talking on her cell phone, even eating and sleeping. for example, there have been numerous times when she claims to be too tired to talk to me, but then her phone rings, or someone text messages her, and she's filled with new life. i moved in with her family to be closer to her. and for awhile that was true, but these past 6 months have been different (i've been here almost 2 years). the past 6 months she has little to do with me and everything to do everyone else. she often breaks her promises to me, she puts everything else before me, and she doesn't care about my feelings...and whenever i try to talk to her about things, she says she doesn't have time, or she's not in the mood, or she'll act like she's sorry, but then she never changes. i've tried just about everything i can possible think of. i just don't know. perhaps we got involved when she was too young, and she may have thought she wanted a relationship with me, but now maybe she has come to realize different. perhaps it was truly a mistake, and maybe i'm selfish for wanting to be with her. but it is in fact my deepest desire. she means everything to me. i gave up going to college, because i would be some 700 miles away, and i knew what that would do to a relationship. and i've put so much aside just to be with her and to make her happy. and for the longest time things were good (not perfect, but still very good). but now i seem to be losing myself. my mind is filled with so much confusion. leaving her is NOT an option. i want to be with her until my death. but then, i don't know what else to do.
