dreamcatcher

assumeLove I very much appreciate your response. It showed to me some angles of the question I had not thought about before. I totally agree I don't have to expect my husband meet all my needs, that's a big truth. However, I think that some things I exposed maybe had not been very clear, and I apologise for that. No, I am not blaming my husband for being isolated here, this is not really a big deal for me, and even if it was I know it's not his fault. I've been trying hard being independent on him, but unfortunately the circunstances now do not allow me doing much. But it's a matter of time, I believe. The sex issue was already discussed with my husband and I simply gave up. I don't want to get back to the same conversations anymore, because they burden him, I know. He doesn't have much interest for sex, period. Even if I showed up covered in the sexiest laces and satins. He has a whole repertoire of excuses for don't make love, as if it was the hardest thing in the world, and frankly, I am tired. Then, to avoid conflicts and avoid destroying my confidence, I prefer he takes the initiative - what rarely happens. I know he has troubles, I already encouraged them to seek for help, but he refuses. It seems he is living ok with that - but he doesn't consider he has a wife who doesn't. This is why I think he is acting selfish. I love him immensely, and it's hard to sleep everyday with a person you love but cannot touch him, and never feel him touch you. It's torturing. I just don't know how much the relationship will last this way, frankly. The baby issue: I agree with not buying a crib for the baby in the first months, but I don't think that putting a newborn in a cardboard box, like she was a puppy or a kitten, is a nice alternative. Mainly because it's not safe at all! It sounded to me he doens't care about our child, and this is what hurt me. Again, thank you very time for your time in having written. Hugs!

Thank you so much, Flower and Ilse. Your responses really warmed my heart. Important things were told and I really appreciate your help. Flower, I rarely talk to my husband about the things that make me upset or hurt. I recognize that maybe this is my biggest problem. I have a tendency to bear things in silence, to keep resentments although I know this is not good whatsoever. I know he doesn't mean to upset me, most of times he does things impulsively; then, I am always very careful with my reactions. I use to wait an opportunity to talk to him about a certain issue, but it's never easy. I think there's a great fear of rejection behind my attitude. I´ve been trying to change this bit by bit. Sometimes, when I let him know that something is not good for me, he says I am "overreacting". But in general he thinks about the subject and end up trying to change his behaviour. You are alright, I've been through a lot in my first year here, it was like an intensive course of "how to be strong". In a certain way I am proud of myself for having being able to cope with all that and learn my lessons. About work, I am a freelance artist, what gives me all the freedom to work from home. It's not easy, I've been struggling a lot (mainly now, with all the issues of pregnancy), money doesn´t come in a regular basis but it was the best I could think about in my current situation. Ilse, what you said is exactly what I think everyday (about the 4 years in a long distance relationship): we've been through a lot to finally stay together, we can't let things deteriorate. I'd better follow your advice and don't make any decisions right now. I've been through a lot of stress since the beginning of my pregnancy. Yes, I am enrolled in a childbirth class, but that will start only next month. I don't have any friends since I came here... I have friends I left in my country, I am always in touch with them, but sometimes I really miss a friend closer to me... Take care, guys, and God bless you.

17 months ago, I left my country in order to marry my husband, with whom I've had a long distance relationship for about 4 years. We had bad times trying to get me here (bureaucracy, visa, emotional draining and all that stuff), but in the end things went well and we are now married and pregnant with a little girl who's coming within 2 months. I must say that my time here has not been easy, as is never easy to leave a country, family, friends and start a new life in another land with a person you didn't have the chance to know more intimately. My husband has many good qualities, and we have much love for each other. He's a good husband in many aspects but in others he's disappointed me a lot. What hurts me the most about him is his selfishness - not concerning to material things, but to actions. For example, he doesn't cooperate much in the home chores (and I never ask him to do anything, since I understand I am home full time and he's working, but I'd like he could at least minimize my efforts, washing his glass when he drinks water, for example!). Other sensitive point is our sexual life, which is very unsatisfactory. I've learned how to cope with his low sex drive, but it's hard to recognize that he almost never seems to care about my pleasure. Many times I wondered if I had taken the right decision leaving my country and all the freedom and support I had there; here, due to the limits of language and communication, I don't have all the job options I used to have in my country, added to the fact that I can't drive and in the town I live, it becomes impossible to have the minimum of mobility if you don't have a car. Work is an essential part of my life and I've tried to pursue a career even with my limitations. I feel horrible having to depend financially on another person, I feel like I was handicapped and inferior. I've accepted the fact I can't look for a job so far, due to the baby and everything else, but sometimes it makes me very anxious and unhappy. I end up attributing all my problems to the fact I am not independent, and consequently, not free. Since I got pregnant, my husband has been very attentive, giving me all the assistance I need, but he never demonstrated to be really happy for having a baby. He's all the time worried about our finances and the money we'll have to spend, but the emotional, spiritual value of having a child doesn't seem to count. Yesterday I got really pissed off when he came home saying that he's thinking about accomodating the baby in something like a cardboard box or a basket in the first months; he doesn't feel inclined to pay for a crib now, since it's time for him to pay his car insurance. Believe in me, he was not joking. We are not rich, but if we can go out for dinner every weekend what's the deal in buying a crib for our child? It's hard to understand how a father can't wish the best for his child. Thanks to his family, which has been wonderful in every aspects, we already have everything for the baby. My in laws are delightful and excited with the idea, since she'll be the only child in the family in many many years and their only grandchild. But I am so disappointed and hurt with my husband behaviour that all I think now is about coming back to my country as soon as my baby can travel. I love him and I've done the possible to be patient and comprehensive about the problems he claims to have, but now the future is starting to scare me. I am afraid of finding out that the man for whom I abandoned everything is uncapable of donate himself in real love gestures. Plus, I think about myself, in how lonely I feel sometimes, in how limited and unvalued I feel, and how it's all affecting my self esteem and even my progress in my career here; sooner or later, no matter how much love I have for my baby, it'll affect her. I am still young, attractive, intelligent and talented, and I feel I need to take advantage of the time I still have to achieve good things for me and my daughter. Otherwise, I think of my in laws, in how they dearly want this baby, in how they have helped me to feel good and loved and in how unfair I'll sound if I leave and deprive them from this that will be the biggest happiness in the last years of their lives. Thank you all for hearing me, and my apologies for my mistakes in the English. I am a real mixture of contradictory feelings and emotions right now.

My problem is exactly the same as you. The only difference is that I've been married only for... 4 months! My husband simply doesn't have any sex drive. He says it stopped suddenly, more than one month ago. We were having problems in sex, he was not satisfying me and being very selfish on bed. His sex drive was normal, then. When I explained to him what was going on, the things I'd like he'd do, he simply stopped to initiate things, and said that was having no libido. So, I am almost sure that his problem is only one: insecurity. And, for some "male pride", he doesn't want to admit that he doesn't know (or he is not interested to know...) how to satisfy a woman... I don't know... In spite of this problem, our marriage is very nice. We have always lots of talk, we don't argue, we have lots of fun together, etc. He is very supportive and caring and does the possible to make me happy. He affirms everyday that he loves me. I am from another country, so, due to the immigration laws, he struggled a lot to bring me here in order to marry him (for 4 years!). Then, I can't understand this sex problem. It is driving me crazy. I understand very well what you feel. We don't want "pleasure for pleasure", sex toys or whatever, we want to feel loved and desired. We want to feel our men is worried about our pleasure, anyway. If they love us, why don't they show it? I think that the problem is more complex than appears, but, if they refuse to seek help and don't show interest in changes, we have to decide if we want to live with a "brother" or with a "man". Because we won't be able to change things by ourselves. We cannot be "half a woman", it will contaminate everyhting else in our lives. I love my husband deeply, and I already let clear that I want to help him, but I need he show me how. Since our marriage is only starting, it would be very "inconsistent" to quit so soon. I don't know how things will be within some months, but I am willing to wait (...maybe when the summer heat decreases, who knows? I already heard from him that he can't touch my body "'cause the weather is so hot and it is quite discomfortable", can you believe in that??? oh, man, I am not that fool...). In your case, if you already tried everything and nothing changed, I am sorry, you can't continuing destroying yourself. As a last alternative, I think I would "take a break" in the relationship. Your husband needs a bath of "reality", he needs to really feel what means to stay without you. Most people only have the courage to change after some suffering. At this meantime, try to enjoy yourself, to feel "alive"... And, if nothing works... Try to start again, finding a person who consider yourself the real woman you are. Try an agreement with him regarding to your child... In my country, there are people who continue living together as friends, even being apart, due to the children or for some other reason. It's not easy, I know. But every rebirth demands suffering and a big amount of courage. Hugs and good luck!

hello guys... I am sorry for have not showed myself in the last weeks to comment your nice thoughts about my problem. I just wanted to say that I appreciate very much each idea and opinion. well, since the day I posted this topic, things did not changed much. we continue having a very poor sex. he confessed me that his sex drive has grown low since we get some intimacy (we are married since 3 moths ago only!), and that is not my blame actually, once he loves me and I am a very attractive woman, etc. it happened in his past relationships also. he is thinking about taking steps in order to change things, I really appreciate his sincerity. I think that his troubles have deeper roots, surely in his mind, and maybe he needs some sort of therapy. I am ready to help him. once again, thank you all for the interest. you are really nice!

me and my husband have been talked about sex lately and trying to solve some problems. we've been living together since 3 months ago. we are both kind of shy and insecure and have problems to initiate sex and trying something new. yesterday he told me that he would like I was more "kinky". I agree that I should be more "aggressive" and I am really interested and changing my behaviour, if it will be good for us... although it's not easy for me. frankly, I don't understand what he meant about being "kinky". I have a romantic and sensitive nature and some sex practices sometimes seem too much aggressive to me. at the same time I think it's unfair he demands something from me: he doesn't touch me, doesn't explore my body, doesn't seem concentrated in my pleasure (he normally has orgasms; I don't, but he never helps me). I am now a bit angry, because I feel he is putting the responsibility of our sexual life on me, and, for his part, have done nothing in order to change it. am I wrong? I love him and understand he must feel insecure too, and I don't want to pressure him. but I feel it's unfair if only I have the initiative to change things. (sorry for the poor English, this is not my native language.)

I would like to thank you all for the precious help. I tried to find the best way to talk to my fiance about what was going wrong and it was like a door being open. Communication is such a simple thing... but sometimes so difficult. If this barrier is overpassed, wonderful things can happen. I still have a long way before me, I feel, but I've started and hope things get easier from now on. Many hugs to you guys!

Me and my fiance been living together since I arrived from my country, one month ago. We are still learning how to live together - both have several emotional troubles and to deal with these have not being easy. We love each other very much, he does whatever is possible to make me feel well and confortable here. But I have noticing that our sexual life is not being as satisfactory as I would like. He rarely touches me the way I would like to (if you understand what I mean...), rarely has the initiative to have sex - and when he does, I would like he could be more romantic ou subtle. I have problems to reach orgasm too - but he never seemed concerned about help me to overcome this. Sometimes I masturbate after sex for obvious reasons - and he seems to find it normal. (Well, if a man could never come to an orgasm with me I would get very concerned and would try to help him - it sounds the best attittude in my opinion.) Sometimes he looks like he is not much experienced in this issues, in spite of his age, or maybe his other relationships had not taught him many things. Or he is too insecure and doesn't know how to act. Maybe it is my problem? I don't know... I've been trying to find answers. I feel very lonely sometimes, and feel like I am not being attractive to him anymore. I think I should discuss that with him, but I am too shy and have fear of make him sad. I really don't know what to do. Any reply is welcome. Thank you in advance!