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btbt

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  1. btbt
    flysufer, I'm sorry to hear about this situation. The reality is that there are many things that hinder love. What does your ex think about this situation? There seems to be two lines of advice -- that true love can trump all and that you can overcome obstacles, or that relationship involve just more than the partners, i.e. if either of you cause friction in the your families because of the relationship it will cause a lifetime of pain and frustration. I guess it's finding some middle ground. You are still young, so this won't be your last relationship, so perhaps it's better to find one without so many external obstacles.
  2. btbt
    I'm sorry to hear that you are going through such a hard time. You have a lot of things going on and you have to work through them one by one. I would suggest you work on healing from the rape and drinking. You need to get control of yourself in those areas before you can have a healthy relationship with your boyfriend. Get some counseling if you can, and talk to family and friends. Work on these things, make yourself strong and whole and then you will be able to have a healthy relatinoship with your boyfriend.
  3. btbt
    scott, wow, that was a lovely and honest thing to say. I wish all men were are self-reflective as you are! It's hard not to let outside views inform our own, but you're doing a great job of being honest with everything and loving your partner. I tip my hat to you.
  4. btbt
    My two cents -- each guy is different, so don't stress about it. Be yourself and you'll find the guy who loves you for that! (would be terrible to attract someone by putting on an act, and then having to go through a long term relationship/marriage having to hold up that act!).
  5. btbt
    bridget74, I know what you mean (personal experience too). Cliched as it sounds, when you cheat the person you hurt most is yourself. And it's mind boggling to think that you can cheat and get away with it -- but you never actually do cause you have your conscience to deal with. For anyone who is considering/dealing with cheating, they should read Crime and Punishment. It's not getting caught that's the rub, but your conscience. The bad thing is that society tells us it's not so bad. When I was wracked with guilt about my cheating, my therapist told me that it's best to sweep it under the rug as confessing was selfish -- it would allay my guilt but only hurt the guy. Could be true, but you are left with the guilt.
  6. btbt
    All those requirements you laid out aren't necesarily expected of you. Different college focus on different things. Look online at profiles of different places -- some are more oriented towards giving you practical training, others, like liberal arts schools, give you time explore and "find yourself." There will be some requirements but they are usually flexible. For instance, you might have to take x credits or an arts or science course, but you can usually pick from a group that interests you. Talk to your guidance counselor instead of getting word of mouth advice. If you have more questions, you can call the college admissions office and ask them questions. Take a breath and do what's right for you. There are a jillion colleges out there for you and one of them will be the right fit. Check out the Princeton Review site, which also gives perspectives from students who go to that college. Good luck.
  7. btbt
    When you lose an animal to loved one to death, it's socially acceptable to show that you are sad. When you break up, the social norms are "get over it" and "move on." Sounds like you are going through the typical break up stuff. Don't take it too hard and don't compare yourself to the dog.
  8. btbt
    I'm sorry to hear you are going through a hard time. How do you deal? Yes, you move on, but it's a long painful process. Let the emotions wash over you, feel sad for a while, lean on your friends and family, do nice things for yourself, give yourself credit for getting this far. It's cliched, but time will take the sting away. And don't obsess over what he is doing with another women. Put it out of your mind. And don't continue to have sex with him, esp. since it's clear it means so much emotionally to you.
  9. btbt
    Yes, tell him how you feel. I had a boyfriend who was very similar -- no presents on birthdays, holidays etc. -- he said in his family he didn't grow up celebrating those things. I did tell him how I felt, but my mistake was that it was in a berating tone. He just laughed it off. What might work better is if you tell him how it makes you feel -- that it is not an expensive gift you're seeking but a signal that he is thinking about you. If he can't/won't respond you have to decide if you can compromise and if his other qualities make up for it, or if this not giving gifts etc. is an indication of a larger problem.
  10. btbt
    Don't be too hard on yourself, but acknolwedge the ways that you might have contributed to this (which you are). Instead of getting stuck in guilt and self-criticism, this is a good time to change those things (as it is for her). I'm glad you have the children in mind first. But, though, I'm not an advocate of divorce, brace yourself for a very long road ahead to reconciliation. If it's the right thing, you can do it! I'm sorry that you are going through such a hard time.
  11. btbt
    I'd say it all depends on the person. There are people who are inveterate cheaters, and don't mind cheating or being otherwise not fully honest in other aspects of their lives. There are people who make a one time really bad mistake, and there is everyone in between. I'm sure unless your ex has absolutely no conscience, he will have a moment of regret and guilt. May be tomorrow, may be years from now, but I have faith that humans aren't naturally inclined to deception. I do think that once people cheat, even if it is not in their character at all, it makes it easier to do -- or at least thing about doing -- again. This makes it difficult for the cheater, in my opinion, to have trusting, meaningful relationships in the future. I mean, if you don't hold relationships sacred, then what's the point?
  12. btbt
    To add and continue, one way to help is not to focus too much on the food. It's good to talk to her about that stuff, but sometimes that avoids whatever the underlying issue is. So talk to her about *why* she might be obsessed with her body beyond being afraid of being overweight. Talk about *why* she is so afraid of being overweight. It's not the weight itself -- there are lots of happy less than thin people, so your friend needs to figure out why not having a perfecty body means affects her so much.
  13. btbt
    There is something called female ejaculate. Perfectly normal, happens to some women but not others.
  14. btbt
    If you are having sex, then you should be able to deal with the consequences, such as other people finding out, pregnacy, STDs etc. Blaming someone else for it is immature behavior. Own up to the responsibility. Be open about having sex with your parents -- who knows, maybe they will help educate you so that you can have safe sex instead of sneaking around and getting yourself in worse trouble.
  15. btbt
    Softmoonlight, I don't think you love this guy, but you seem to need him -- for what? The security and stability? The hitting is a big, fat red flag. I won't ask how bad it gets, because striking anyone is bad, period. You're right, you shouldn't take the blame for his temper. Why did he get so mad about the woman's number? If it was someone at work or a friend or whatever, then he shouldn't have acted that way. Sounds like he has something to hide. I don't know the details of your relationship, but I would recommend that you take stock of the situation and ask yourself why you are staying in it when you are clearly unhappy. It might seem frightening to lose him, but it may be worse to stay.
  16. btbt
    Universe, just keep supporting her in the way you do, telling her she is sexy etc. You can also tell her why you find thin, unsexy, not as a comparision but as a way to tell her the advantages of having a womanly figure. She's lucky to have someone like you!
  17. btbt
    These all sounds like symptoms of anorexia and bulimia, which often occur together. There is also something called "exercise bulimia," in which peple binge on exercising. It's all mixed in together. Even if she is not diagnosed technically with this disorders, she most definitely sounds like she has an eating disorder. It also sounds like she "body dysmorphia" (I think that's the name). That's when how you view your body does not match the objective reality (e.g. a very thin person or someone who is just a bit chubby thinking that they are grossly overweight). She needs to get professional counseling. In the meantime, it sounds like you are being a good friend and supporting her through this. Eating disorders usually are signs of deeper psychological issues, so through counseling and talking with you, your friend can figure out what is the root problem and start addressing that, which in turn will help her deal with her body and food issues.
  18. btbt
    Yes, listen to the other posters and leave him right away. You may think you love him, but you don't. How can you love someone who hits you? That is not love, but fear (fear of leaving him? fear of security?). As for your son, the best thing for him is to see his mother be strong and out of a bad relationship. Whether or not he sees you geing hit, children are very smart and they can sense that something bad is happening to you. So if you want him to grow up healthy, happy and into a man that knows how to respect women, leave this guy right away. It might be hard, but it won't be are hard as spending years and years being beaten. I wish you the strength and courage to get out of this.
  19. btbt

    update

    btbt replied to shorty20's topic in Dating Advice

    shorty20, people don't usually realize that they are stringing someone along (unless they are really calculating). He has feelings for you but he has to deal with other stuff, so it sounds like what you are getting is the butt end of that stick. How do you make him communicate? You can't. If won't or can't and that is what you need, he is not the person for you. You might think once external circumstances ease up, he'll change but I wouldn't bank on it. Think of the times that you've been incredibly busy but have made time for other people. If you haven't, it's probably because you thought they could wait or were not putting them on the top of the priority list.
  20. btbt
    If you feel you have been wronged, you usually are. Trust your instincts. I know it might be hard to believe or accept that people you trusted do this, but people can be pretty crappy.
  21. btbt
    His past behavior says it all -- he cheated on his ex-wife, and now he's cheating on you. Don't feel bad about snooping -- he should be the one who feels bad, but I'm sure he'll deflect it by saying, I can't believe you snooped etc.
  22. btbt
    Sounds like you are feeling loss -- even though you wanted to end the relationship, you're emotions have to readjust and such.
  23. btbt
    An interesting story -- your original post says at least two things -- that you love her and find her incredibly sexy, yet at the same time there's a lot of criticism of her body, ostensibly seen through other eyes, but your eyes too? I think it's great that she's expressing herself, but of course you have the right to draw the line when it's obviously inappropriate, e.g. the naked thing in front of your son. But, if she can scale back, I think you should embrace what she's doing. For instance, who cares if other men snicker at her on the street as long as you are not snickering.
  24. btbt
    I agree with the last poster. Even if she is not in love with her husband, and he not in love with her, they still are married. If they plan to break up, they still have to break up. Divorces can be ugly and painful, even if both parties want out. You risk getting stuck in all of it and having more of a problem then having a crush.
  25. btbt
    Good luck, weirdo, and I hope the therapist can help you. Yes, I think we are all smart enough to realize that TV and movies are just fiction. Just wish they didn't have such a strong impact on shaping our ideals and dreams!
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