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Just say, hi, and smile! You don't have to say anything perfectly witty or clever. I always find it incredibly endearing when a guy tries to awkwardly start a conversation at the park, gym, etc (unless they are wearing that trenchcoat). If the woman blows you off or is rude, who cares, you'll never see her again. Nothing ventured, nothing gained!

QTpie87, I felt a lot like you when I was your age. I was quirky and had an odd sense of humor and talked a lot. But, what I think you should work on is not changing yourself, but enjoying the company of people who appreciate you. I don't know if you are out of high school yet, but I think as you get a little bit older, go to college or start working, you'll find your social world expanding and you will find yourself drawn to places and people that jive with your personality more. As for getting the guy you like, just be yourself! Cliched advice, I know, but if you are not yourself and you DO get the guy, then the relationship won't last, or else you will spend the relationship always trying to be someone you aren't. Who wants to spend a relationship (or their life) being someone they are not. I wrote this on another post, but a poet friend of mine said the worst thing is to spend your life as someone else. How would it feel to have someone else's name on your headstone? Having said that, if it is important for you to be feel more feminine, you can start with simple things like wearing more feminine clothes or changing your hairstyle. But don't change your personality.

True, there are people (men and women) who don't get the hint, but then that's all the more reason to be straightforward. I think so many people are not only afraid of being rejected, but doing the rejectING. So if we take the person who doesn't get the hint, we should look at the other side of the story and ask what those hints are -- mixed messages? yes, to sex but not much else? "Maybe some other time," instead of "I'm sorry, I don't think this will work?" People are dense, or to put it another way, hopeful.

She sounds like she is confused and doesn't know what she wants from you or from her new boyfriend. Maybe she hid the info about her new boyfriend because she wanted you to still think that she was available and keep your strong feeilngs for her. Maybe she isn't really into the guy or is planning on breaking up with him so she doesn't think it's important to mention. You'll never know -- why don't you just ask her (unless you don't want to break the NC). But don't torture yourself by trying to guess and psychoanalyze. Figure out why this bothers you and if you really need to know ask, but if you can live with it move on. Don't have an answer for the special friends question. I imagine women do it for the same reason as men -- to have a sense of intimacy without the commitment, and yes a safety net, which really isn't fair to you.

C.C., don't be so hard on yourself. There's a lot of self-blame here. Whether you wish you did something differently or not, is not the point. It didn't happen that way and you can't change it. I'm not trying to be cold (i'm drawing from my own tendency to obsess over what I could have done better), but you have to believe that things happen for a reason and have faith that relationships will take their course, and the right one will find you. There is, however, something to be said for pacing yourself, maybe holding back a little emotionally until you are sure that you and your partner are ready for that. As for the future, if there are concrete things you want to change about yourself or your daily life then go for it, but don't do it for another person, do it for yourself. From my experience, if someone promises you, or if you promise to change for them, then expectations get higher and higher and cannot be met. Anyway, trust yourself. This person sounds very honest, if only to say that he is confused. So keep talking (but not obsessively!), have patience (but don't be a doormat), and see how it goes.

Quote: But I have noticed often that blacks tend to associate more with people off their own race. It's like they create a feeling of needing to be with their kind or protecting their own culture. While thats good, it can go too far and people may not want to violate that inner group. I agree with Superfreak. Though really its silly. Hmmm...sounds logical that people stick to their own kind, but there is another side to the story. Maybe blacks, and other racial groups, hang out with people like them because they don't feel accepted by whites. I'm not generalizing; it all depends on the community you live in, how large the racial groups are, if there is a history of racial tension etc.

Robz, I can see what you are saying in trying to be tactful when showing you are not interested in someone in your social or work circle, but how about just being straightforward? If you are concerned about hurting the person or not making it awkward with other friends, the better approach seems to be to be honest rather than stringing someone along. It seems the latter would make it more awkward with friends and co-workers. And being honest about where you stand is not mean, blunt or blowing someone off.

I wrote something like this in another post, but all this depends on your definition of love. If it's something where you need to get something back and your partner isn't giving it to you, then you're setting yourself up for pain and disappointment. But, if you are one of those magically selfless people -- who give unconditional love -- and aren't hurt or pained despite that the partner doesn't reciprocate, then that might be another situation. I think of my mother who is the most unconditionally loving person I've met. My brother (a grown adult) is incredilbly cruel emotionally and disrespectful to her, to the point where friends and family have suggested that she cut ties with him, at least for the time being. But she can't. She continues to give and give and give and each time I can see that she is setting herself up for heartbreak. She usually does get very hurt, but she doesn't dwell on it because it's more important for her to give love to her son. Of course, this is a blood, parent-child relationship, whose bonds go deeper than romantic relationships. But if you are one of those courageous and rare people where love is about giving and not about receiving, then go for it. But it's a risky world; lots of selfish people will be glad to take this kind of love, which can really do a number on you.

I'll offer an alternate version of love, though I'm not sure I believe in it. A friend of mine believes that love is giving freely with no expecation of getting anything in return and even risking getting hurt. A little background -- she was dating a guy that she fell head over heels with quickly. It was an unusual situation -- she met this guy on 9/11. He had gotten out of the WTC, but had no office or apartment to return to as both were destroyed. They spent the day together as strangers sharing the same traumatic experience and she offered to let him stay at her apartment until his job and home situation worked out. He was a good guy and the intensity of the situation created a really stronog emotional bond. However, things dissipated and he drew away and then started traveling extensively for work. He stopped calling her and wouldn't call when he was in town. Yet she kept calling him to see how he was doing, to let him know various events were going on that she knew that he was interested in etc, She wasn't necessarily trying to see him again, but reaching out to let him know that she cared. She'd call him several times a day leaving many untreturned voice mail messages. So I told her she was being treated like a doormat and that she deserved better than that. But she continued to contact him even though he was blowing her off, because she said that it was more impoertant for her to express this love, even if it wasn't returned. Mind you, she was very hurt and was always hoping he would return her calls, but she was very insistent and kept at it. This might be love...it's a very hurtful one, and maybe a model we don't understand because our culture focuses on what love can do for the self. I'm not sure I agree with this or could handle this type of situation, but just thought I'd throw it out there. Peace.

I would add a warning -- restarting a relationship based on someone promising to change is tricky ground. It sets the tone for you to always be on guard and for the other person to be critical of you, e.g. oh, she did this so she hasn't changed. You might be setting yourself up for a relationship where both parties have unreasonable expectations of each other. It is very hard to change for another person (though not impossible). Maybe you shouldn't sell yourself short and find someone who is not asking you to change but finds your quirks attracting and endearing. But, with honesty and communication things could work out as long as you are both ready for it.

I second Shadows Light. I always tell my friends (and try to follow this advice myself) is that you unless you are married, you should avoid making huge decisions (where to live, what job to take) based on a relationship. Some people might strongly disagree, but I don't think I'm being cynical when I say that if you put ALL your hopes in a person, that person will disappoint you (even if you are married). This is not to say that your partner shouldn't factor into your decision -- it may not have been right for you at the time to move 700 miles away from college, but that doesn't mean you have to give up college all together. As Shadows Light suggested, you can go to college nearby so that you have something for yourself so that your energies, hope and esteem are located in yourself and not just your partner. The best relationships I've seen (married or not), is when both partners have rich, fulfilling individual lives that they can share with each other, but also gives them happiness in their own right. Best of luck. This girl does sound like she's going through a lot of changes that makes it hard for you esp. if you are in love, but keep an eye out for yourself. You're still young and life is long and full of rewarding experiences -- don't let them pass you by!

Chiming in because I have been dating a recently divorced man who dragged me on a emotional roller coaster (well, I got on the ride willingly). I'm wavering between feeling bitter and realizing that many times these people don't know what they are going through and say one thing, act another way and vice versa. You either have to be really patient, persistent, and may be a little masochistic, and see things through, or realize that your time is better spent elsewhere. It really hurt me to realize this but I've spent too many days moping about to feel like I want to continue my relationship. Still, in the back of my mind I maintain some hope -- maybe my pulling back will bring him back -- but for now, I have to convince myself that I am letting go to the point of actually letting go so that I can maintain my own happiness. I wish you luck. I've know how much it sucks to have a bad day because of someone you care for.

I think you are taking the situation very well, but it was simply wrong of your therapist to do this. If a friend did that to you, you would expect and deserve an explanation. In any business or professional relationship you would too (e.g. if got fired from a job and even if you deserved to get fired, the company has to legally give you an explanation). Also, there is a patients' bill of rights and though I don't recall the exact language, there's something about being treated with respect and being informed of all aspects of care. If you were seeing a heart surgeon and she suddenly said, go to another one, you would find that unacceptable. I think the same goes for mental health treatment too. Good luck in finding another therapist. There are many good ones out there.