btbt

If you like her, go for it. People shouldn't be afraid of long distance relationships. You have to take things at a different pace and there are unique hurdles to jump, and skills to learn, but 6 hours? that's nothing. I know married couples where on spouse lives in NY and the other in LA.

Dreamer, you will be fine. It sounds like you have a strong relationship so this short period of distance should make it stronger. Talk to him about how you feel; I'm sure he feels the same way. And you are right, he is coming back to you! How do you pass your time -- do the things you've normally been doing. Catch up with friends and family that you may have seen less of while your boyfriend was around. Sit and let the feelings wash over you -- it's okay to miss him, and time, e-mails, phone calls etc. will make it better. And if it's possible, talk about your visiting him there for a little vacation of your own. If you like poetry, I suggest you read John Donne's "A Valediction Forbidding Mourning." It may not be to your taste, the language is a little dense, but it is the voice of a lover telling his partner not to worry while he is away.

Gray area, hmmm....you have to decide what you feel comfortable with. My friend was in a similar situation and her therapist told her not to say anything because basically she was telling the truth to relieve her own conscience and it would only hurt the boyfriend. I don't know if I agree with that, but I thought I'd throw it out there. But if it's going to bug you for the rest of the relationship, maybe you should tell. But telling will open up a whole can of worms. So the choice is, will there be more problems by telling or not telling? Which scenario would result in the healthiest outcome (a healthy relationship, or perhaps the ends of the relationship, which also could be healthy).

Lauren, I feel so much for you because I was bulimic/anorexic for most of my teen years and early twenties. As everyone advises, please get some professional help. Bulimia is ulitmately not about the food. Sometimes well-intentioned friends and family do not understand that and focus too much on helping you eat properly. What helped me was to stop addressing the symptom (the food issue) and go into deep therapy and in my case medication to understand the cause. Your signature quote shows that something else is going on, about feeling accepted and loved, esp. from your mother, so that might be a good place to start. I hope you seek and find help soon. You can e-mail me any time if you want to talk about specific ways to get out of this. My thoughts are with you because I know how horrible this can be. Peace.

I don't know how old you are and how old he is, but I would err on the side of caution. Figure out why you like him -- as you say, because he's like an older brother figure and he seems like a knowledgeable, respected person as a teacher? If he was who he is but was your classmate or the guy working at the deli, would you still like him? All I'm saying is be careful of being seduced (emotionally) by how smart and cool he is as a teacher. And, as everyone says, wait until you graduate. It won't be pretty for either of you if you get involved while you are still in school. If it's a lasting feeling that's meant to be, you can wait that long.

Is she on any medications? Sometimes, esp. anti-depressants, interfere with the ability to have an orgasm. The key is for both of you to relax and experience the pleasure without stressing yourself out about the goal. Don't want to shock you or your girlfriend, but you might also suggest that she explore herself on her own (if that makes her feel more relaxed) to figure out what works for her. Good luck!

weirdo, I looked up borderline personality disorder in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders from the American Psychiatric Association). It says: "The essential feature of BPD is a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and market impulsivity..." Okay, that describes all of us...but, seriously, I can't quote the entire thing here, but it is bascially describing a personality that reacts out of proportion to/synch with the event, feeling intense feelings in a relationship too soon, believing you are going to fail at a goal when to all other eyes you will succeed, and all this particularly when fear of abandonment is present. Again, I think this describes all of us, but it becomes a disorder when those emotions -- anxiety, rage, depression -- are so exaggerated that they interfere with normal functioning. I'm not a psychiatrist -- and neither is your friend; why did he/she think she had the authority to "diagnose" you? If you are really concerned, I would see a psychiatrist and go from there. What you are describing to me sounds like what a therapist told me was "catastrophizing," that is, imagining and believing the extreme worst outcome with little evidence of such an outcome. I've been doing cognitive behaviorial theraphy, which is supposed to help that. I'll share with you what one of the worksheets says -- I keep it taped to my bookshelf and look at the it frequently and it cools me down. Again, I'm not a mental health care professional, but sharing this as one person to another: When you catastrophize, e.g. he'll never call me again! Ask yourself or better yet, write down: 1. What is the evidence to support this idea? What is the evidence against this idea? 2. Is there an alternative explanation? 3. What is the *worst* that could happen? Could I live through it? What's the *best* that could happen? What's the *most realistic* outcome? 4. What should I do abou it? 5. What's the effect of believing my thought? What could be the effect of changing my thinking? 6. If my friend -- was in this situation and had this thought, what would I tell him/her? 7. What's a more reasonable way to view this situation? Good luke weirdo. You're not a weirdo, but someone who feels intensely and you should be proud of that.

Sounds like she's got a lot of feelings going on -- it's hard (for both of you) to regain intimacy after spending time figuring out how not to be with each other. Maybe a good approach is to think of it like a brand new relationship, as if you've never dated before. But she does sound confused from the things she is saying. Sounds like there will be a period of uncertainty for you, and you have to decide whether you are up for it. Good luck.

One more thing -- if people are calling you and hanging up the phone, that is really immature. Take the phone off the hook and cut out those dang middlemen!

Good luck skinskinskin, and good luck to the original poster. Porn is a weird thing -- looking at can mean everything and nothing. My ex-boyfriend looked at porn occasionally too and I would go to his apartment and sometimes see a magazine or two laying around. But it didn't bother me because I was very sure of his feelings towards me and we had a fantastic sex life. But in other relationships I had, I think if porn came up it wouldn't make me feel so good. It sounds like, skinskinskin, that you guys are talking things through, which is the most important thing.

While canceling the fourth of July plans last minute might have been a little hasty, Johanna81 has some legitimate complaints here. If he is always too busy to see you, you have to sit him down (instead of playing games) and find out what's up. If he only has excuses and it makes you unhappy that he won't make time for you, then he's got to change, you have to compromise, or both of you have to move on. When a guy gets too busy, that's a bad sign. Sure, there are legitimate reasons but this dude has plenty of time to spend with his friends while neglecting his girlfriend.

Instead of relying on what you or your friends think he'll do, talk to him about him. Tell him you are worried and see what he says. If you are in a strong, trusting, respectful relationship, he should be able to talk this through with you (if he blows up about it, watch out!). However, if this is a new relationship or one where the committment hasn't been fully established or is a touchy subject, then you might have to deal with it more tactfully (but if the latter is the case, then you have bigger problems to deal with). Side note: I don't know if you meant to ask what you should do IF he doesn't call you when he's away, or if this is what he is already doing. I'll just say I wouldn't like it if he didn't call at all. Don't know how long you have been dating and what expectations you have of each other, but not calling while out of town (unless he's in some remote desert with no cell phone or e-mail access) always bothers me. Others may think differently. I guess is all depends on what both partners are comfortable with. Maybe men can shed light on why they do not call for stretches of time and then say, hey what's up, like nothing's happened.

She might be needy, but hey, what she's needing might be you! No right or wrong decision. Go into it with eyes wide open and talk everything through. And protect the friendship, whatever you choose to do.

Be interested in her life, ask her questions about her day, don't get up and start painting your house after sex Pay attention to what she likes and do something that shows you were paying attention. Example: one time I went to the zoo with the guy that I was dating at the time and I thought a certain type of animal was really cool, and for my birthday, he made me an origami figure of that animal, i.e paying attention is not expensive!. Also, I have to read a lot for my job, so once in a while he would scribble funny little notes in the margins and it would crack me up when I found them (why did I break up with this guy?). The little things count.

Sounds like you think he is a great guy, someone who doesn't want to "hurt anyone," but even so, people are looking out for number one. In this case, it seems he's got the best possible situation -- someone to date, and a fallback (you). He might be entirely sincere about his feelings for you, but actions speak louder than words. I'm not saying give him an ultimatum or anything, but you've told him where you stand and now he's got to act. That might take a long time and might not work out in your favor, but in the meantime don't let him string you along. Find other dates cause he hasn't given you any type of committment. If he wants you, he better come get you while he can.

One more thing about those dead silences in conversations -- don't feel the burden to carry the conversation. I've had to teach myself to do this -- I usually end up babbling about things because I don't want to make the conversation seem dull, but let the silences stand and wait for the man to fill them up!

Along the same lines, I'd suggest cultivating your friendships first (with men and women). After all, a strong relationship is a kind of intense friendship. It might feel like the people you see on the street or in the movies have perfect lives, but you have no idea what the real story is. They may be kissing on the street, but hey, they might be some of these agonized posters on this site! They are all working as hard as you to find an intense connection with people. Take it easy, focus on finding happiness in yourself, social with people you like and things should follow. Sounds cliched, I know...if you are having trouble meeting friends/potential dates who share your own interests, get involved in clubs, church or other groups that you like, or try on-line dating. I'm not the hugest fan of on-line dating but there are sucess stories, and doing stuff by e-mail first helps break the ice (and you can also say you want to meet people as friends to do activities together). Good luck.

By starting fresh, I did mean finding someone else so you can have a clean slate. However, I don't entirely agree with Hope75. I do agree that a lot of stuff has happened that shows that you guy are not straightforward and honest with each other, but hope may not entirely be lost. You can choose to work it out, but it's going to be an uphill battle. I don't know the nature of your lie, but if it's serious enough to have upset him that badly then you guys will have to work through that throughout your entire relationship. You have to be able to handle that -- you messed up, as you admit, so you are going to have to be on your best behavior. The bad sign is that you kind of jerked him around after you admitted and apologized for the lie (blowing him off for your girlfriend). You are at a point where you really need to show him that you are serious if you want to work it out. That you did that shows that deep inside you are still pushing him away, as you did with the initial lie. You might really feel that you love him, but you have to ask yourself why you are continuing to treat him with less than total honesty and respect. I'm not judging you, but sometimes these behaviors come out and we have to listen to what they are telling us. I don't think any choice is a wrong choice, but you have to weigh your options. Working on something given this history is going to be very hard, and breaking up might be hard to do too, but if you stay together, you might break up anyway, so...oh yeah, and his blaming you for the tickets is pretty immature. I mean, HE was driving the car, right? If he can't drive under emotional stress, then he shouldn't have been driving and if he didn't know that, that's his fault not anyone else's. Good luck. These aren't easy things to handle.

Yeah, just play it cool. In the meantime, don't obsess over him or stalk his e-mail. Keep yourself busy!

It boils down to what you feel comfortable with. If it doesn't bother you or if it's something you can do together, there the porn doesn't have to interfere with the relationship. But if it really bothers you and you ask him to stop and he won't then it's not about porn, but about him not respecting your wishes. If you can reach a compromise, then that's great too, but you have to be sure that you are comfortable with it. Think carefully about how you feel about this. This might be a lifelong habit, so if it does bother you, do you want to be in a long-term relationship where you are nagged by this? Take a more innocuous example -- say your guy has a habit of forgetting to call you when he's late for something. That seems innocuous in itself (he might be really bad about time, he might get caught up in things that are out of his control), but if you tell him it bothers you and he doesn't do anything about it, then he's not listening to you. You can choose to live with it, but you've put the burden on yourself so you have to be able to handle that. Good luck.

I agree with the others that you should keep your own plans, esp. since this is a very new situation. But just because you are both going to be away, doesn't mean that you can't communicate. Text, call, e-mail, whatever feels comfortable. It might be good to talk a little about this too (without making it too heavy if this not the right time). You can say that you like having gotten to know her a bit and that you are going to call etc. while you guys are gone. Timing often distorts relationships but it doesn't have to if you are honest with each other and establish where you are going. Good luck!

Yeah, just be yourself. They probably are nervous as you are, and they are probably thinking of making a good impression too. And the parents are going to say the craziest thing to their son, but it doesn't mean that they don't like you. They are testing you, so sometimes how you handle the situation is more important than the issue itself (e.g. maybe they don't really think you have an eating disorder because they felt like being critical and wanted to see how you reacted). Since you will be staying with them for a few days, I would err on the side of old-fashioned ways. Let your boyfriend set the tone -- if he holds your hand or puts his arm around you, he's sending a signal to his parents that they should be okay with that. But if he starts slobbering you with kisses, you might want to save that for later. I don't know if you will be sleeping in the same room, but avoid that, even if the parents seem okay with it. I once went to visit my boyfriend's home and they set up a room for us to sleep in together, which I thought was very liberal of them, but afterwards I realized my accepting that offer made them feel uncomfortable. Go figure!

Your boyfriend sounds like he still has emotions for you but is really hurt about the lie you mention. So his head is telling him to reject you, but his heart draws him back to you. I agree with the other posters that you should stop playing games. Have a heart-to-heart, but realize that after a serious loss of trust, it's going to be hard to rebuild anything. That stuff stays with you for a lifetime. He's got to be an angel to completely trust you again, and him forgiving you is a "get out of jail free" card that might make you not respect him entirely, or might make you think you can lie again. Better off starting fresh -- for your sake and his.

jflatt, thanks for saying that I give good advice. Now if only could take my own... I think the other posters are right; your ex is confused and is using you as a security blanket. Most people have a rebound period and, whether they know it or not, the relationships during this period will likely be shaky -- what better than to have an ex who can trust who will talk, buy you things and lend them his computer! You seem to know what's going on here, but are still emotionally invovled enough that you are hyper-analyzing every move. And because you have a lot of mutual friends you find out about her antics. I'd say get a change of scenery if you can. Hang out with different friends for a while or if your mutual friends have information to share tell them you don't want to hear about it, and for goodness sake, don't ask about her! This takes a lot of discipline when you have feelings for someone, but you have to do it for your own emotional health. From my personal experience, I had a really great ex who was always the knight in shining armor. We shared the same line of work so even after our breakup I brought work problems to him and once he even nursed me back to health after a nasty breakup with someone else. I never doubted that I loved him and all his care after we broke up confirmed that, but I also did not doubt that I wanted to be with him for the long term. So, as long as he was willing, I leaned on him, but it really took a toll on him emotionally, and for that I felt very sorry. Best of luck.

jflatt, thanks for saying that I give good advice. Now if only could take my own... I think the other posters are right; your ex is confused and is using you as a security blanket. Most people have a rebound period and, whether they know it or not, the relationships during this period will likely be shaky -- what better than to have an ex who can trust who will talk, buy you things and lend them his computer! You seem to know what's going on here, but are still emotionally invovled enough that you are hyper-analyzing every move. And because you have a lot of mutual friends you find out about her antics. I'd say get a change of scenery if you can. Hang out with different friends for a while or if your mutual friends have information to share tell them you don't want to hear about it -- like you have been doing -- and by all means, do not ask about her. This takes a lot of discipline when you have feelings for someone, but you have to do it for your own emotional health. From my personal experience, I had a really great ex who was always the knight in shining armor. We shared the same line of work so even after our breakup I brought work problems to him and once he even nursed me back to health after a nasty breakup with someone else. I never doubted that I loved him and all his care after we broke up confirmed that, but I also did not doubt that I wanted to be with him for the long term. So, as long as he was willing, I leaned on him, but it really took a toll on him emotionally, and for that I felt very sorry. Best of luck with the new girl. But be honest with her. You have lots of emotions flying, so try not to catch her up in your rebound stage, if you feel that's what you're in. And guard your own emotions so you don't jump into this new relationship too quickly and find yourself in the same boat again.