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btbt

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  1. btbt
    Spirit -- it's been a little over 3 weeks, but he's been out of town during that time until a few days ago. The last date was just hanging out at my place for lunch and when we parted I said, "see you when you get back" and he said, "sure" -- kind of deadpan and detached. But he's sometimes like that at the end of dates -- but if I hint at something I'd like to do, he'll say, hey that's a great idea. And at other times he'suggested things on his own, but it always seemed like he was mustering up the courage to do (I wouldn't say he's shy, but at times he seems reserved and uncertain). So at first I took the "reserved and uncertain" as just that and all was fine, but now I'm taking it as pulling back. Maybe too much time has passed. Somebody's got to rekindle the spark (if there is one). I'm just not sure if I should be the one doing it -- afraid of rejection I suppose. Maybe I'm already being rejected and calling will just confirm it? I've been reading too much of that book "He's Just Not That Into You."
  2. btbt
    Thanks, everyone. You all seem to agree that's it's no biggie. Some history -- it was fast and furious and then we couldn't see each other for a while because both of us travel a lot for work. I was the one who called during those times and we had okay chats. I felt a little uncomfortable that I was initiating, but trying to be the 21st century woman that I am, I thought, hey why not. But after a bit I thought I would let him do the initiating, and he doesn't...now it's been about a month. You think I should call, or should I take this as a signal as "he's not that into me." Normally, I would say so, but both of us were out of town during that month. Does that make any difference? If a guy were really "into you," wouldn't he call anyway despite his busy schedule? The other reason I don't want to call is because I felt at times that I showed more enthusiasm for the relationship than he did (hence reading this as a signal). I guess he could be dating other people. I'm not, but I'm certainly up for it. But, I did kind of get smitten by this one and can face the reality that it's not smooth sailing, but I guess I'm just disappointed and hurt.
  3. btbt
    The guy I've been dating has suddenly stopped calling me -- nothing, nada. It wasn't a serious relationship and not perfect by any means on either side (still in the getting to know each other phase) but it just seems abrupt. I guess I could call him and see what's going on, but I had initiated stuff earlier so feel like he knows that I am interested so the ball is in his court. Any suggestions how to deal with this? It feels pretty awful -- the relationship was too short to say that we had deep connection, but we did have fun. What's up with this not calling? There was never a conversation about where this was going and the last time we hung out it was like a casual "see you later," and now, radio silence...Is he waiting for *me* to call? Is it one of those, I'll see you when I see you but I'm not making a big effort? Should I just give up? He's a pretty decent guy, not a player, so I'm surprised by this. I don't need him to call and say he was madly in love with me, but how about a phone call to say that was fun, but maybe it's not a long term thing? Feels pretty crappy.
  4. btbt
    No, definitely not a sin. And hooray for you mom. Have you considered moving to an area where people are more accepting. I know it's hard to uproot and leave the familiar, but you might find you life more enriching if you lived in a place and around people where you didn't have to worry about who that what about you. Good luck on the baby and good for you for finding a great man!
  5. btbt
    1.5 hours away -- that's nothing. If you guys really mean something to each other, this short distance (and traffic) can be tolerated. The bigger issue is that you are rightly seeing that you are entering a new world which might change the way you think about things and your current boyfriend (this is not a question of age, but of stage of life). You can discuss all these things with him, but you can't expect him to say, sure I'll let you explore and you can hang on to me in the meantime. He might be willing to do that, but it's not fair to him or yourself (it will muddy what you want). You have to make a hard choice. It's not black or white, and you can take the time to work things through.
  6. btbt
    Hey, that was da bomb!
  7. btbt
    The fact that she is stripper is not important. Get this out of your mind. Now think, is she a friend who seems to interfere with the relationship between me and my boyfriend by flirtin too much, trying to make me jealous etc.? If so, then you would have something to talk about to your boyfriend regardless whether this woman is a stripper or not. If this woman truly makes you feel uncomfortable and if your boyfriend values his relationship above all, then he should make some changes. This dosen't mean that he has to cut off the friendship with her, but he could tone it down. I have several male friends who once they got married suddenly dropped me as a friend. This hurt me very much, but I realized that they were doing it because their wives were jealous and the guys valued their marriage above all. As much as it hurt me, the guys did the right thing to have a good relationship with their wives. Your boyfriend should be willing to do the same. If he's not, then he's got an issues. But then again, you guys are young, so he might think that it's too early in his life to make this kind of decision. If it really bothers you and he's not willing to change, then find someone who prioritizes YOU.
  8. btbt
    LDRs are a whole other animal -- it's like an normal relationship with the joys and agonies magnified 1000 times. If your bf gets jealous, you reassure him that it's harmless. But if it's something that he cannot completely get over, and if he means something to you, you should consider, not hanging out so much with other guys -- in other words, you might want to consider are putting his needs in front of yours. You might think that you shouldn't have to do this, but you have to decide if it's worth if for this relationship. To give you an example, my male friend always had a lot of close female friends. When he got married his wife got jealous of this, and they had a lot of fights. Ultimately, he had to decide that his marriage was more important than hanging out with his female friends. It was a tough decision, but he thought it was worth it to keep his marriage. Some people may not feel this way, but that is ultimately his/her choice.
  9. btbt
    Yes, tell him right away and nip it in the bud. You may feel uncomfortable saying something about it now, but it could get even more uncomfortable if he tries something else.
  10. btbt
    If you sent him an e-mail to get that stuff off your chest, that's fine. Just don't wait for a response. It seems pretty cold that he would break up with you over e-mail, esp. when he knew all the stuff that was happening with your dad. I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. I think you should concentrate on mourning his death and spending time with friends and family that will support you through this time. It stinks that the people we hope will be there in our hardes times are not. But that is when we learn (the hard way) who are the people who are willing to give love. I think what you said was just fine. You said what you had to say and now you can move on. Best wishes.
  11. btbt
    If it truly doesn't bother him, then you shoudn't worry. Some guys are very generous and get pleasure from treating someone they care about. If there are signs that he does mind, then that is a problem, but this doesn't sound like the case. Tell him how you feel and do what you can. I dated a guy in a situation where we both had no money and he did the most wonderful things for me, like make homemade presents that touched my heart more than any expensive gifts.
  12. btbt
    Just be honest -- tell her the things you've written her. But make sure that it is clear to you that you are writing truly just so that you can stay friends, and not doing in a way that (subconsciously) tries to woo her back.
  13. btbt
    Okay, if you don't buy the emotional cheating part, the boyfriend's actions and words stand on their on -- stating to the woman that he wants to kiss her, and telling her he loves her etc. Don't let the online thing be an excuse. If you were all having dinner together, and the boyfriend took the woman into another room and said I'd like to kiss you, I've loved you since I was ten etc. etc., the girlfriend should be mighty upset.
  14. btbt
    I agree with everyone's advice most strongly -- stay away from this guy at all costs! He is obviously obsessed with power -- rapists don't rape just for the sexual pleasure but for the power rush it gives them. It will be impossible to have a healthy relationship with this guy. First, if he's raped you, there's a good chance he's raped or will rape other women. Second, you're whole relationship will be based on his power over you -- think of the sick, perverted ego boost he has from thinking that he got the women he raped to like him. The man does not have a twisted attitude about women. Stay away from him and better yet, report him to the cops. NOW. PS - someone who is threatening you and attacking your self worth in order for you to be with him ("no one will ever want you") and telling you that "you might as well kill yourself" does not love you.
  15. btbt
    I'll be an optimist and say that LDR can work out, but they have the odds against them. Everything you do in your mill of the road relationship has to be magnified 1000 times -- trust, loyalty, respect etc. etc. Not for the faint hearted and probably ends up in hearbreak more often than not, but I know married couples who live on the opposite coasts and manage.
  16. btbt
    Depends on your concept of love. I have thought I loved someone -- the passionate kind -- even when cheating on him. But realized that I *didn't* love him, in the less romantic sense of giving someone day to day respect.
  17. btbt
    korbel, there is something called an "emotional affair" or "emotional cheating." You are justified in being bothered because he is expressing very deep emotions to another woman. Being online doesn't make this better -- if this women lived in the same town and he was saying this to her in person, it would be completely wrong. I think you should tell your fiancee how much this bothers you and that you want him to stop it. If he loves you and respects the relationship you have with him, including having a child with you, he should stop it right away. Not doing so is a bad sign. And who is to say that if their feelings are so strong for each other, they won't arrange to meet?
  18. btbt
    It all depends on the individual. If he's a thrity-something, shy, virgin because he's a real jerk or has some serious issues, that's one thing, but if he's a nice guy who wasn't trying to catch up in the rat race, maybe you've got a real gem. You've got to do what you're comfortable with. If it bothers you, then maybe he's not the one for you, but I wouldn't immediately dismiss him based on this.
  19. btbt
    The thing about the virginity is a poor excuse, as are the other excuses and lies he's told you. I'd get rid of him. Cheating once, may be forgivable, but twice? It shows bad character and disrespect for you.
  20. btbt
    Don't stick around waiting for him to "come around." I've been in many a relationship trying to do this, and it's just agony. I've seen a few instances where it works, and the couple got married, but the dynamics in the marriage are screwy, i.e. the partner who "came around" acts like he's settled or been forced into things. Find a relationship where both of you are on the same page.
  21. btbt
    Right on, brother!
  22. btbt
    SnowFlurry, I'm so sorry to hear this; it's terrible when someone we love does not love us back the same why. But love is a two way street -- it's about both parties sharing not only passion but the day to day experiences (and compromises) of life. So maybe you should reconsider whether you really loved him. Yes, the feeling is there, but there were things, as you say, that he didn't satisfy for you. Now, that can't be love. And why do we keep loving? Sometimes we stay attached to what we imagine the relationship could have been like or what we wished the person would be. We love that image or fantasy more than we love the actual person. I've been in your place many times, and thinking about how love requires reciprocation, hard work and compromise has helped me let go, esp. if the partner was not meeting those needs. In the meantime, let the emotions wash over you, and give yourself credit for being so open and caring. There will another person who can give those same things back to you.
  23. btbt

    What to say?

    btbt replied to ksk0_0's topic in Dating Advice

    Or, don't put too much pressure on having conversation. In the beginning, like on the initial dates, silence is uncomfortable, but as you get to know each other, those silences can be a signal of how comfortable you are with each other.
  24. btbt
    That answer probably differs for everyone -- some people just know, some people have doubts. If you are curious then if you act on your curiosity, you will eventually know if it was a temporary thing or if it's something that you want to keep pursuing. I'd suggest not worrying about the label. My personal opinion is that people are omni-sexual and then gravitate to the gender that they feel comfortable with. I know many married lesbians (married to men), which doesn't seem to make sense -- they started out sleeping with men because society told them to, then went with women as they got older and more independent, but then married a man because that man made them happy. If you think of this situation in terms of labels, it doesn't make sense. So I like to think of it in terms of people trying to find emotional and physical fulfillment in a person regardless of gender.
  25. btbt
    Hear, hear mscolly. That is good advice! bigbelly, how do you get from -- "can't break up with the girl" to "kill yourself"? That's very extreme and irrational. What are the things that you truly fear from breaking up with the girl? It sounds like you are afraid of being alone. For this reason, you should break up with the girl, as you even said so yourself that you got into the relationship because you didn't think you could do any better. I agree with the others -- work on loving this girl in the everyday sense of making a solid day to day life with her; or move on. By moving on, don't jump into another relationship but work on your self-esteem and obession with being attractive to others. Find contentment in yourself apart from a woman -- that's the answer to your question, "How do you be content?"
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