btbt

ld25, I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather's illness. It's really hard to balance the things that are going on with your life and trying to be there for family members. I would suggest that you talk to people at your school and see if they can reschedule some of your requirements so that you have the proper time to spend with your grandfather. When my father was dying of cancer, I took several months off to be with him. It was hard to do because I had many professional commitments, but my friend put it the best -- your eduction and career will always be there and you can pick up where you left off, but this might be the only chance that you have with your relative. The choice is up to you, but it might take off some stress to not think of this as an either or situation. You can continue on with your education while taking care of your family. Again, I'd suggest you try to work something out with your school. Most places are very sympathetic to this kind of thing and will be able to work something out. In the end, if you set yourself back a few days, weeks or a semester, it might be worth it, since this might be your only chance to see your grandfather. I'm also sorry to hear about your cousin. It seems like when all this over you need some time for yourself to grieve and heal. This is just as important as doing well in your educational goals. Best wishes.

Thanks, ld25. I think the hardest part of this is realizing for yourself and having others realize that depression is a real illness. My mom is of the generation where there is no such thing as depression (you just need to "snap out of it"), so she doesn't acknowledge her own grief well. I've acknowledged that this has put me into a deep sadness, even a clinical depression, but it doesn't translate well to family members, bosses etc.

Yeah, the ball is in his court. If he doesn't call, well, he's missed out on a down to earth, straightforward woman!

Yeah, grief will bring up all kind of crazy emotions and thoughts, even those that seem inappropriate. Don't be too hard on yourself. Let your emotions flow naturally. When it's time to cry, you will cry. It sounds like you are in shock and need some time to process things. Best wishes to you.

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. You sound like you are going through a lot of confusing and conflicting emotions, but this is normal. I don't think you have to doubt that your mom loved you. We've all said a harsh word to our loved ones, but it doesn't mean that we don't love them. I think counseling would definitely help. It would at least give structure to some of your feelings. I think writing things down helps a lot -- or start a blog. After my father died, I started writing some things on a blog and it really helped to kind of get my feelings "out there."

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. But don't beat yourself up. Also, remember there is still time. People in comas can still hear and sense what is going around them. Many years ago, my aunt was in a coma for a couple of weeks. She tells us that she could hear and "see" everything around her -- she saw the nurses around her and could hear the things her sons were saying to her. So go to the hospital and talk to your grandmother. Hold her hand and tell her everything you need to tell her. I'm sure she would appreciate that very much.

My father died last September. I feel like I'm slipping into a black hole. I am trying to deal with this grief while at the same time going through a difficult career decision. I cannot talk with my mother at all. She is effectively the only family I have left, but she is not doing very well. She's become irritable and often snaps at me, hangs up the phone etc. etc. I've gotten her a therapy session for mother's day, and I hope that helps. I'm feeling pretty hopeless; my career is not where I want it to be and I feel like my mother has shut me out when this is time we should be most supportive of each other. I want to be as supportive as possible with my mother, but I don't know what to do.

Re: setting up dates of just picking up someone at a bar -- you can't guess his motives. He's doing what he's doing and you have to figure out what you want to do about it. In my opinion, it's easier to hang out with someone that you know, go to nice dates (because he enjoys nice restaurants too), then go to bars and meet total strangers for one-night stands. Anyway, forget about trying to read his mind. Ask him what's up.

Stop playing head games. Ask him why he was "not into it." Was he really tired? If so or if not, tell him how it made you feel and go from there.

I wouldn't torture yourself trying to figure out how to act in a way that will make her ready to like you. I'd let it go; she told you that she was not interested. You'll only torture yourself by hanging on to the hope that she is.

I don't think you made a mistake "confessing" to her. You felt like you needed to let her know and you did. And now you have clarity -- she isn't interested in you. Don't second guess your actions. You did what you needed to do and it didn't work out, but maybe next time it will!

It's good that you realize that your feelings are obsessions and not in proportion to the situation. How do you stop this? I think this takes a lot of emotional discipline. Every time you recognize this is happening you have to will yourself to stop. Therapy might not be a bad idea. Cognitive behavioral therapy is really great at identifying destructive thoughts and redirecting them. It sounds like above all you need a good friend. Maybe if you had a really strong friendship to fill your emotional needs, you wouldn't fixate on a person so much. Good luck.

Ask him for more details about his date? Why did he go on a date with someone else? Did you both have the understanding that you'd date other people? Time to clarify. Obviously, his going on another date bothered you and is not where you want the relationship to be, so be upfront with him and find out if he will give you the level of commitment you want.

This kind of distancing is not a good sign, as your instincts are telling you. Be upfront with him and ask what's up.

Okay, good advice. Just a side note, in "He's Just Not that Into You," it's all about teaching women how to read cues and mixed messages (i.e. great dates but no phone calls in between means he's not that into you, move on), never a word about guys being clearer. Funny how this conversation revolves around telling the woman that she should be clearer. Time for someone to write, "*SHE'S Just Not that Into You." I think Diggity Dog has around written it! I say all this with a grain of salt. Many times I've been on the other side, interpreting little comments and hanging on to shreds of hope when the writing and actions were on the wall. So, now I've learned how to be a better rejecter as well as rejectee!

Hey, thanks all. Next time I'll bring my lawyer, just kidding But I have to take issue with Luke Skywalker's "what's up with all you girls" comment. It takes two the tango here. I agree that the "right now" comment might have given him hope, but why focus on the phrase that was meant to soften the blow? Why read *into* that and not read clearly the stuff that came before it: "I'm not interested in a relationship with you"! I'm not denying that for someone who wants to harbor hope that the "right now" comment can be misleading, so lesson learned for me. But fellows, give yourself more credit -- surely you can understand more than blatant language. Anyway, thanks y'all. Don't mean to start a controversy here, but like I said, it takes two to tango! One more thing -- practice the line: "I'm not interested in you, but I'll refer you to someone else who is." When have we suddenly become matchmakers for those we've passed on? I think that's pretty insulting to the guy.

Hey thanks, everybody! Just to be clear, I didn't lead him on. The first "I'm really busy" may have not been straightforward, but even though he kept calling, I returned probably 1 out of 10 of his calls, and this only to respect his relationship with my friends. As DiggityDog says, my actions spoke louder than words. True, I could have been clearer, so that's what I did next: Isn't "I'm not interested in a relationship with you right now" clear enough? Maybe he invested too much meaning in the "right now," but do I have to say "I am not interested in a relationship with you, never was and never will be?" I agree that either way he will be hurt so I have to be as clear as possible, but I think he's also setting himself up to be hurt more by not reading the signals or even the clear statements! Thanks all.

I wouldn't invest too much meaning in the fact that he sets up elaborate dates -- they are not hard to do (a call to make a reservation, a call to the travel agent, or maybe he has an assistant who does all this stuff). Sounds like a guy who has all the outward stuff put together but is not very good at the emotional stuff. Worst case scenario: his is using you and just happens to know how to charm a lady. Best case scenario: he does really like you but is not good at communication or responding to your needs. If the latter, and if you guys get into a long term relationship, is that something you could handle? I'm of the mind that the dating stage is where a guy puts his best foot forward, so if he's lacking now, when things get more comfortable he probably get worse, not better, about the communication. The bottom line is that if you are comfortable with this level of dating, go for it, but if it's making you uneasy, you should trust your instincts. I'd rather go out with a guy in sweatpants who takes me to Pizza Hut, but who knows to call etc. etc.

Hi All, I've have this situation with a fellow that my friends set me up with. He doesn't live in the same city, but we've talked on the phone, e-mailed and met once. He's a really wonderful person but I didn't feel the connection. So in a nice way I told him that I was really busy at work and didn't feel like I had the time to travel and see him etc. etc. However, he kept calling, e-mailing etc. I didn't want to just blow him off because he's a great person and good friends with my friends. But he kept calling and I didn't want to lead him on, so I was upfront and said that I do not want to be in a relationship with him right now. His response: Okay, we'll see how it goes. I'll call you later. ???? Well, he laid off for a few weeks, but now he is calling, IMing etc. I haven't picked up. How do I give him the message? Like I said, he's a great person and I also don't want to hurt my friends' feelings because they think highly of him too.

Here's something I heard: Absense is like a wind to a fire: it extinguishes the small and inflames the great.

I think it depends on your style. Your friend's upfront style works for her probably because she'd bold and confident and doesn't get worked up over rejections. If you are more comfortable with the guy taking the lead, sit back and let him do so. If he doesn't, he's not the right guy for you!

Yes, it an uncomfortable conversation to have, but it's more uncomfortable if you find out later that he gave you an STD! Just be straight, even tell him you are nervous about this but it is important to you. Unless he's hiding something or totally reckless, he's probably wondering the same thing!

He's probably half-thinking about it (his family sure planted the idea in his head) and brought it up to see your response. If he had absolutely no desire to marry you, he probably wouldn't have brought it up at all (unless he was totally trying to play you), so I'd just playfully brush it off and see where it goes.

I wouldn't call him, not because I believe in old-fashioned gender roles, but I do believe that when a guy is interested, he will climb mountains to find your number. I'm sure if you call him, he will be more than happy to meet up (probably excited about the possiblity of more sex) but if you are hoping for something more, I wouldn't call him. I have lots of friends who've had long relationships with men they slept with on the first date, but those guys usually called back right away.

Sound like he may have something else going on the side -- maybe he's texting another girl like crazy now? Don't mean to be too cynical about it, but if he's not being communicative, let it go.