btbt
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Thanks, rosie. I'm just trying not to be a doormat here... So he's totally MIA, probably stewing, or probably just writing the whole thing off; I mean, we only had four dates before he left. Should I call him?
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Hi all, An update on the situation: So I felt great after cancelling on this fellow, feeling like I took control of the situation and insisted on not settling for less. But as the week progresses, I'm feeling crummier and crummier. Part of me just feels bad for leaving him hanging -- he acted badly by not calling until the day of the event, but I don't like the feeling that I responded by acting badly too (he hurt me, so I hurt him). I know, I know, he's the one who was inconsiderate so I shouldn't criticize myself for being inconsiderate, but that's how I feel now. I was hoping that he would call after the dust settled (he actually said he would when I talked to him to cancel the date), but there's been no phone call so far. What should I do? I thought of calling and apologizing, but then get peeved because he should be apologizing. I guess the bottom line is that I want to talk to him again just to tie up the loose ends. Even though he did a crappy thing this time around, he's a decent guy otherwise. I don't think he saw this coming. btw -- I do like him but realize that he's not fulfilling my needs, so I'm ready to do the painful work of letting someone you like go. So I don't want to call him for fear of getting sucked back in, and yet... But maybe he's just so mad that he already written me off. Guys, if you have been in a similar situation, what would you be thinking after all this? Thanks!
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Thanks, annie24. I just told him I couldn't make it and I feel great (after all, my self-respect is worth more than a $75 ticket)! Thanks all for your advice and support.
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Thanks all, that's what my gut tells me. But let me be sure I'm not being too hard on him, as my friend is telling me. - Before this trip he was very attentive and eager - But yes, it's annoying that he didn't contact it me at all while he was away (and it was seriously away, not a like a short jaunt to Paris or something) - He calls me the day of the date (today), which he asked me to before he left on the trip. - This is only the 2nd day he has been back, so calling me now would not have been such a big deal if it weren't for the "day of the date" thing. I know I'm being neurotic and my gut says lose this guy, but my friend tells me I should give him a chance to explain himself. What do you think?
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Update: So the guy DOES call a few hours ago. Leaves a sheepish message about having an unexpected house guest as soon as he gets back. Says he still want to see me for this event (tonight) that he asked me to weeks ago. So here's the facts: Can't find the time to contact me the entire time he is away. Doesn't call me for a few days after he returned, but then calls me the day of the event that he had asked me to. So do I go? I actually rather not. Call me {mod edit}, but I think it's rude to call someone on the day of the date to make plans for the date (being busy with a house guest is a lame excuse). My girlfriend says just go, enjoy the event, make him fess up about the situation and move on. What do you all think? btw - BeStrongBeHappy, that was a hilarious story about your friend, but I guess not so hilarious when it was happening to her. I know love has made me blind before!
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Hello people. I could really use your advice on this baffling situation. I've been dating a guy for the last few months. It's been light, but we did click. He seemed very eager and interested, calling me all the time, trying to see me whenever he could etc. We both travel a lot for our jobs, but when he was away he would always stay in touch, not to mention that he would always call the minute he got off the plane. Part II: He goes away for several weeks to an exotic, farflung place. Tells me that he will not likely be able to call/e-mail (somewhat understandable given the nature of the place, but hey, even the Third World has e-mail). Anyway, he acts apologetic and sorry that he is leaving for so long, and then asks me to go with him to an event a few days after he gets back. He mentions it several times just before he leaves. I don't say yes, I don't say no, but all signs would indicate that I would hear from him when he got back, right? Well, you guessed it, he's back now and there's no contact. Some other useful info: as charming and interesting he is, on every date he talks about his ex-girlfriend. They have been broken up nearly two years, but he is clearly still torn up about it. Also, the day after he gets back, he takes his profile down from an online dating site. He's also doesn't say who he is travelling with on this long trip, which I take note of because when he talks about his travels he usually goes into great detail about who he was with, how he knows them etc. What gives? I don't want to call him -- the message is really clear and I can accept the fact that this has run its course -- but I kind of want to say what's up? Thanks for your advice!
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So if I have a date to go to a show and the fellow also asks me for dinner beforehand, who pays for dinner (he's already paid for the tickets)? Do I offer to pay my share of the tickets?
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Wow! You guys are optimistic Maybe I'm just paranoid... The responses seem to be mostly from women. Men -- when you meet someone online that you have a lot of interest in (I'm not saying love at first sight or anything, but enough that you pursue with phone calls, e-mails, dates the whole bit), why would you be still prowling around the online dating scene? Or would you?
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So...I've gone on a few dates with this guy who I met online. We get along great, there is chemistry etc. etc., he calls and e-mails me regularly, and is always asking me out to do more stuff. But his profile on the dating site shows that he logs in every few days or so. We're certainly not at that exclusive stage, so I get it, but it feels strange. Is there another woman that he is calling, e-mailing, inviting out etc.? What do people think?
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(Some) women expect men to pay on a date because that's what society has taught us -- men should be the breadwinner and be able to take care of a woman financially. Of course this idea is totally outdated -- I'm not looking for a man for his money (though admittedly some women are). I can only speak for myself, but the reason a red flag goes up when a guy is reluctant to pay is that it can be a signal a larger issue. For instance, in the last post, the guy's attitude is "what have you done for me lately?" So a woman might think that if a guy is going to be like that about something as trivial as a restaurant bill, what's going to his attitude in more serious relationship decisions? Sure, I may be reading too deeply into this, but it has been my experience that those who are tight with their wallet are also tight with their heart. This also only reflects what's appealing to me in a guy. I'm not looking for someone to take care of my financially, but I am looking for someone who doesn't sweat the small stuff, which to me is a signal of how they will handle more important matters.
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Hey, thanks everyone. Maybe he was checking for my gold-digger tendencies, but he knows what I do and that I'm not broke. Okay, next scenario: he asks me to go see a show, which he already has tickets to. If there is dinner and/or drinks afterwards or before, do I volunteer to pay since he bought the tickets? And remember, he's always doing the asking. And if you say that I shouldn't pay and I should wait and see what he does, do I just sit there and do nothing? That's so uncomfortable! Okay, and finally, what are the reasons that a guy does not pay for dates -- I'm going to start another thread on this to get a list going. This should be interesting!
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So have rules for who pays for the date changed? Scenario: First date with a guy met online, went for coffee. We each paid our own way, which made sense. Second date with guy, went for dinner and drinks. Guy left the check sitting on the table for a long time then asked me if I wanted him to pay my share or have him pay. I said it didn't matter. He said that he would pay but did not want to offend me, so I said, no it doesn't offend me But I got the sense that he wouldn't have minded at all if I paid. Then, I paid for drinks, but guy made no gesture of, "no, no, let me do that." Am I being old-fashioned to think that guys should pay on the first few dates? Why wouldn't they want to (outside of money issues -- he's very well-off, or outside of interest issues -- he keeps calling me for more dates). Thanks for your opinions!
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Hi all -- thought someone could help me with this problem. I belong to a social organization that meets several times a month. There is a guy there that I am acquaintances with and have liked for a while, but it's clear that he only sees me as a friend. Most of the time I can treat him as one of the crowd, but once in a while I feel slighted if he doesn't talk to me that day, or if it seems like he's paying a lot of attention to other women. Sometimes I get so frustrated that I'm upset for most of the day. How do I deal with this? I know that this guy is not interested in me, but I get so upset that he isn't. Most of the time I'm good about facing this fact and can rein in my emotions, but once in while (like today), I get insanely upset that I really like this guy but he is not interested in me. I thought of not attending organization events anymore, or at least for a while, but I have many friends there who are important to me. Your suggestions are much appreciated!
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I'm sorry to hear that you are going though so much pain. I think you should cut it off with this woman. She's having her cake and eating it too. Read the other posts on dating married people -- the married person hardly ever gives up the marriage for another relationship. And, if she's being unfaithful in her marriage, I would say that is a serious character flaw that does not bode well for her relationships with anyone.
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hesitant about taking the intiative...should I or should I wait for him????
btbt replied to izzycat's topic in Dating Advice
You should do what you're most comfortable with. If you really like this guy and are getting frustrated that he's not making a move, then make the move yourself. But if deal with the uncertainty, then I'd wait and see what he does. I'm of the mind that you should wait and see. I do believe that guys can be shy, but when they want something, they go for it. -
Yeah, just take it easy and see what pans out. It seems like he had some last-minute things he had to take care of, and since you've only been dating for a few weeks, I'd be a little less demanding. Go with the flow. If he continues to make excuses, then sit back; you have your answer.
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This guys sounds like her has a serious problem. Run. Now.
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This woman sounds like she is headed for trouble. She also is not being a very good girlfriend. My advice would be to break it off. But she does need some help -- the drugs and prostitution is not a good sign. You could hang around just as a friend to help her get out of this trouble, but only if you were sure you aren't doing it because you hope that she will become a better girlfriend.
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You have to be true to your tastes. It's one thing if you were arrogant and only trying to date the hottest girls out there, but if you are not attracted to someone don't beat yourself up over it.
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I do think it's weird that he's too busy on the weekends -- surely he can rearrange an errand or two to hang out with you, esp. when you've already told him that you have a job and the weekdays are no good for you. If he really wants to see you, I don't think it's too much to ask since he's the retired one. Are you sure he's not married?
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I don't think it is morally (or legally) wrong; he is of age after all. But true enough, there are a lot of social taboos, esp. if the older person is a woman. You should ask yourself if you really want a relationship with him. You say that you both have a strong sexual attraction, but are you as deeply attracted to each other in terms of personality and life goals? Is the attraction deep enough to get over the potential obstacles you might face because people around you, including your family, might think that the relationshp is inappropriate? I personally think that you might lose interest in him over time. Unless he's incredibly mature for his age, you might get frustrated with vagaries of a 20-something year old person when you've already been there and done that.
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helping my mother (and myself) after dad's death
btbt replied to btbt's topic in Grief Loss and Bereavement
Hey, thanks everyone. This has been really helpful. I realized that it is important to remember the love the underlies everything, and not to invest too much in outward actions, which can be unstable while people grieve. I'm thinking of a friend whose sibling died many years ago. Her parents were torn up, but she told them she refused to see them cry in front of her and that she was not going to take on the caretaker role, and that they would have to get it together themselves. This is kind of what my mom did to me. I feel like my friend's response was pretty harsh, but realize that it's not because she didn't love her parents and didn't want to support them, but she was just so overwhelmed and knew her limits at the time. Thanks, everyone! I really appreciate it. I heard some poet say somewhere that death is an opportunity for transformation. True, we will never be the same again, but we can seize what lays ahead of us. -
Tired of being the loser...Need help on attraction
btbt replied to office_space's topic in Dating Advice
Yes, you can be a nice guy without being a pushover. I think it's about pacing your emotion and drawing people slowly to you. You can show interest but hold back a little and see how things develop. -
really want to ask this girl out but........how?!!!!
btbt replied to kickedin's topic in Dating Advice
The google thing is a little stakerish, but who knows, maybe she'll be flattered that you tracked her down. Since your cousin is friends with her, why not ask your cousin if she will ask the woman for her phone number on your behalf? Her reponse will tell you if she is interested and if you get her info this way, you won't seem as stalkerish. -
I'm sorry to hear about this. You must be going through a hard time. It sounds like you are going through some type of post-traumatic stress disorder. Since the death was unexpected, now you've become afraid that every normal situation is going to end in the most catastrophic way. It is good that you recognize that worrying over ebay is an exaggerated response. One exercise that I've learned from cognitive behaviorial therapy is that when you start panicking over something, write down or mentally picture the worst case, best case and middle of the road scenario. Figure out what is the most likely thing to happen (it's usually something in the middle). If you can concentrate on that, you'll come to realize that your panic is unfounded. Best wishes and condolences.