btbt

I agree with the previous poster -- it's ultimately between the two of you. But to be realistic and practical, if you anticipate that there are going to be problems with the families, you have to be ready and willing to handle all that. It depends how you feel -- some people think love conquers all and any potential problems will be worth it (relationships are going to have problems without culture clash anyway); and other people think that there are a lot of fish in the sea, so why take the hard road? It's up to you.

Yes, this fellow might be confused how to act after a divorce, but I find it really strange that father wouldn't have the sense to protect his son's feelings. It shows that he is insensitive to son -- if that's the case, do you think he could be sensitive to you?

The only people who can say whether the cultural clash is too great is you and this fellow. If it's become an issue, you both have to decided whether it's worth it to work out. What about the families --are they against it?

You're smart to realize that dating a man with kids has different complications. If you are just getting to know each other, he should NOT be expressing physical affection with you in front of his son. This may be his natural response as a man, but as a father he needs to be responsible in front of his son. This is not about showing sexual attraction, but about not confusing the son who must deal with his parents separation. And why is his son around on his first date? You don't say how long he has been divorced and how old his son is. Whatever the case, I think that it is best for everyone involved if you and the fellow get to know each other first and get the kid involved when you are on sure footing. If it turns out to be just lust, best to figure that out between adults without getting the feelings of a child involved.

Rather than worry about "strategy," talk to her, see what's up and go from there. I say this because you sound worried about losing her. You can't help it if she loses interest, but what you can control is finding out clearly and honesty what is going on, rather than playing games. Either way, you risk losing her -- but in the straight up scenario at least you will have clarity.

I can understand how you feel, but if you want this relationship to go anywhere, someone has to take the risk. Sounds like you are both playing head games with each other. Remember also that women are taught by society to wait until the guy initiates. Obviously, there are lots of exceptions to this rule, but I bet her friends are saying to her that she shouldn't be doing all the work, and you're asking the same question of yourself -- why should I be doing all the work? So you got a stalemate here. If you're patient and willing to see things peter out, then step back. If you'd rather get things rolling and willing to take a risk, then go for it!

Thanks, everyone, for your insightful responses! So what should I do? My guy friend says just chill and even drop it. It will make him act if he is really interested, and if he's not up to it c'est la vie. I'm usually not the type who waits around for the guy to do the asking, but this guy did say that he thinks women doing the asking is too forward. What do you shy guys out there do? I'm curious as to why you don't "go for it." Isn't risking rejection better than silently nursing a crush? (I know I should follow my own advice, but there is a double standard!).

So how come one person says that he is interested and another one says that he is not? I can believe both posts -- why get all nervous unless something is up? But then again, avoiding someone as a passive way to get out of the situation makes sense too. I do think that he thinks that I am interested, so maybe it's freaking him out.

So I've had a crush on a guy for a few months, but he acts all nervous and weird around me. We hang out with a common group of friends. When we first met he'd initiate a conversation with me, but then zone out and let others do the talking or even walk away mid-conversation! Now, he kind of ignores me -- he's polite and all but it's obvious that he's uncomfortable around me. Sometimes I catch him staring at me and when I look back with a flirty look he kind of just freezes. And sometimes it seems like he goes out of his way not to be in my conversation zone. My girlfriends who've known him say he's a shy guy and his awkwardness shows that he has some interest but is on the fence or doesn't know what to do about it. But my guy friends say that shy or not, when a guy is interested he will "go for it." I've also heard him say that he doesn't like forward women, so I haven't been too flirty around him even though I'm outgoing and friendly in general. I guess I'm getting nervous and weird too! What do you all think? btw -- this sounds like some high school drama, but we're in our 30s!

This is a tough choice -- career or relationship. But the question is, why does pursuing your professional dreams (for both of you) preclude having a relationship with each other? In an ideal relationship, both of you would support each others' professional choices and work. Yet, life is complicated -- maybe there is a matter of geographical location (are either of you moving?) or being too busy, which you allude to. But if your professional goals make you too busy to have a relationship with this woman -- a woman you say you have the deepest feelings for -- then you probably aren't in a position to have any relationship. I guess what I'm saying is that it seems odd that there would be a job where you have NO time for your partner. Or, maybe you guys are not being understanding enough of each others job needs. Perhaps it need not be an all or nothing situation. If you find that it is, then there must be a deeper issue, i.e. if you really love someone, you will knock off a few hours early from work to spend time with them.

It sounds like you are doing a tremendous amont of changing. Regardless of how much you have to change, if it feels uncomfortable to you then you guys should talk about it (he should change a little too!). In a sense, this is a general relationship issue -- even if you were of the same race/culture, there might be expectations of changing personal habits etc. in any relationship. The key is both of you have to compromise. Curious though, did all these demands on you happen after the wedding? While you were dating, meeting his parents etc., you must have felt the differing demands? If the former is the case, it seems odd, and maybe unreasonable, unless you agree to it.

ctgirl, thanks for trying to make me feel better. One of these days I'll feel better about it, but for now it just sucks! The worst part of it is that it was a total 180 -- really into me to begin and then just silence. As for that book "he's just not that into you," I think it's a hipper version of "the rules." I think it's true that you're better off if you let the guy do the pursuing -- and definitely the excuses of being too busy to call etc. means that he's not putting you at the top of your list. But it really is a double standard. Case in point -- the book ends with the guy's wife's point of view. She says when they were dating she wasn't very attentive, wouldn't call him while she was away etc. but he was persistent and finally won her heart. But the book is saying is that it's not okay for a woman to do that in pursuing a man, and the man shouldn't have to listen to the advice "SHE'S just not that into you" and can keep pursuing. I think it goes case by case -- if as a woman you feel like pursuing and even going for the tough cases, go for it. I think it will be obvious in your gut if you are beating a dead horse or if it's something worthwhile. But I would keep in mind that the majority of men (and women) have traditional gender roles ingrained in them, so for women-pursuers it's an uphill battle. So if I were truly liberated, I would take my case and say, hmm...tough challenge (I'm sure many of you women have told guys that you were not ready for a relationship but then got won over now and again) and maybe try to woo him. But social roles tell me that HE has made the decision and that I have to sit around feeling dumped. Bleech. There's another book -- "Admit it, you're that into him either," which may be helpful, but it's the same kind of feel good about your fabulous self advice, which doesn't really help when the person you've fallen for doesn't reciprocate!

So I've been thinking (maybe obsessing) about this. What I thought was a nice, honest conversation amounts to that I've been dumped! Doesn't "I'm not ready for anything serious" always mean "I'm not ready for anything serious with YOU." And here's the catch -- despite all this professing of not wanting anything serious, he still proceeded initiate sex with me (which I refused). Questions: do guys just want eat their cake and have it to? All relationships have to start somewhere -- light, not serious etc. -- why do people freak out when it starts to be that way. I guess it's about timing and pacing, but I can't help but take it personally because everyone, including myself, are not ready for something serious until that fantastic person comes their way. I know I've said this to people even when I did want a relationship, but not with that person. I guess I wasn't fantastic enough for this fellow.

Hey, thanks, everyone. Here's the update. We went out and had a good "what's going on conversation.'" He's not dating anyone else at the moment but he doesn't want anything serious. He totally misread my cues, thinking that I wanted something serious -- I said something once about my future plans that had nothing to do with him, but he read it as I was going to change my life so that I could spend my time with him (how narcissitic!). Anyway, the air the was cleared and he apologized for being inattentive. I have to say that guys are kind of stupid -- they think initiating a phone call or something means they are professing their undying love to you. Yet at the same time, he said that I could have been more in touch with him if I were that interested. So what does he want? I don't think he even knows! Anyway, it's all good. I cannot continue to date him because of a few things that are going on in my life. But the lesson learned is -- ask and talk.

Thanks, Spirit's. Well, I know some of you might not approve of this but I did call him. He didn't offer any explanation of not calling, not did I ask him for one, but kept it light. He didn't ask me to do anything, so I brought it up (me initiating again) and he seemed happy to do something. Did I do the wrong thing? I guess I have to go into it with no expectations, light dating, even friends really. Guys -- what does it mean when you don't initiate dates but are happy to oblige when asked?

It doesn't sound too bad -- he wants some time alone in the beginning and you'll catch up with him on Saturday. If the relationship is going to work out it has to weather these separations. I saw this from personal experience -- pleading with exes not to go away on their own and giving them a hard time about it. As you can see, they are now exes! I wouldn't show up early and surprise him. It might make you look too needy and it's not what he wants -- he said he needs time alone. And it sounds like a premise for another fight. Let him have his time to sort things through -- he'll probably miss you dearly and will be thrilled when you do arrive.

Thanks. Wouldn't it be easier to live a in a world where you say: Why haven't you called me? I don't think this relationship will work out. Thank you for being honest. Best wishes! Okay, I'll get my head out of the clouds now.

Definitely and cultural and "modern" thing, as other posters pointed out that it is and was socially acceptable (remember all those Victorian novels where the apparent suitor for the girl was her cousin). The higher chance of genetic defects are someting to worry about. I think the main issue about incest is about the power relations -- a father, mother, aunt, uncle who is having sex with someone who is significantly younger and could not take care of him/herself and make decisions on his/her own. This sounds like some kind of drunken fluke and a case of overraging hormones. I bet they are both embarrassed about it and it will blow over.

Electric toothbrush. But keep it separate from the ones you use for your teeth (unless you're into that kind of thing)

Certainty is a must for women too! It just seems that when guys are certain that they don't want to pursue a women, instead of saying something upfront, they kind of fade away. Indeed, I've been guilty of saying, I'll talk to you soon when I don't have any intention of calling someone back. I guess in efforts to spare someone's feelings, you end up hurting them more. Men -- what's up with this?

He obviously likes you so muster up the courage to just say something casual to him -- like, do you still want to have a drink? Or if you hear him calling you "the girl who doesn't want to have a drink" then say, that's not true and go from there.

I think to break up a long-term relationship because you can't bear to not have sex with other people is a good reason to break up. It shows that you are not ready to have a long-term, comitted relationship with this person, so make the break, now. But if you love this person, then you need to restrain yourself. I don't think there is anyone out there in a relationship or marriage who hasn't thought about sex with other people. What makes the relationship and relationship is that you withhold those urges for the sake of the relationship. There also might be a deeper problems. If sex with other people seems more important to you now than your gf, then you obviously don't care enough for her to restrain yourself. But think this through -- if it's a purely just a physical urge, then you might regret losing your gf over it.

Sound like you are just missing each other, which is natural and healthy. These periods apart will strengthen your relationship is you are able to weather them. I think it's healthy for a relationship for people to have time on their own -- it makes the other person more appealing to know that they are going out in the world and doing stuff. In other words, enjoy your vacation. You should feel happy when to hear about the great times he had and how much he missed you and vice versa. Don't sweat it; it's only a few days.

It sounds like you want to take care of her -- but on your own terms. She also sounds like a pretty independent person. From her perspective, moving in with you when she a place lined up and in which she didn't mind the neighborhood was a sacrifice. So naturally, when she moved in with you, she wanted to have things that were her own and under her control. The stuff you have been arguing about in terms of setting up house seems like typical moving in together stuff, but it's exacerbated by the fact that she probably feels that she deserves more opinion since she made the sacrifice to move in with you. Sounds like both of you need to do some compromising so each of you feel like you've been able to give, yet also retain what you wanted for yourself.

This does seem odd -- on the one extreme, there's the "he's just not that into you advice," and on the other there are explanations like, he's not a phone person, he gets really busy, wants to take it slow etc. Talk to him about it. Whatever his situation, if he's interested in making this relationship work, then he should respond to your needs. It's a matter of pacing and meeting common ground, but after 5 months it seems like this kind of conversation is in order.