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btbt

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  1. btbt
    Look into working with a therpaist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy. It gives your practical ways to deal with anxiety and panic attacks. Search for posts by weirdo and borderline personality disorder. I typed in one of the worksheets which teaches you how to control uncontrollable thoughts. Medication is also an option, as there are many safe and good ones for anxiety. Best of luck.
  2. btbt
    If he spends most of his time with you talking about his brother's girlfriend, comparing you to him, or in other ways expressing to you how he *wished* you were, then he's wasting your time. Find someone who will appreciate you for what you *are.* I think it's okay for someone to set aside a night for their friends (the best relationships in my opinion are those where people have time to do their own things), but if he's mysterious or uncommunicative about it, dump him.
  3. btbt
    Whoa, slow down...you talk about how wonderful this girl is, but you have your eye on another one? Well, if you decide that this relationship is not right for you, so be it, but I think you owe it to her girlfriend as a friend to see what's up. Try to get through to her -- sounds like something serious is going on. If she shuts you out completely, then certainly it's time to move on romantically, but sounds like she needs a friend -- at least see if she's talking to other friends and family and/or is going to therapy.
  4. btbt
    Whether it's money or ice cream, I still say this guy is stingy and controlling. I klnow it must be hard for you to hear people criticizing the man you love, but I say this out of peace and respect. One of the other posters is absolutely right -- people only do what they know they can get away with. If he's shaken the bed more than once to wake you up as a joke, then you must have sent a signal that you will tolerate this. I'm not criticizing you, but many women (including myself) in an attempt to be loving and understanding end up being walked over. If he had done any of these *once* and you asked him not to do it, and he still does it, there is a problem. It's not like you are asking him to pick up his socks or something harnless like that; you are asking him to let you get your well-earned sleep, share a household and the things in it. Again, I know it's hard to hear criticism of someone you care for, but you seem to be justifying his behavior in a way that signals denial (and I say this with limited knowledge of the situation). That is characteristic of an abusive situation, where the abused person defends the abuser. In the end, it's not for anyone but you to judge the situation. Peace.
  5. btbt
    I'd just add that in the end, you are going to live your life for yourself and not your parents approval. Not to say that it is painful to not have the support of a parent, but the reality is that we move on away from our parents to make our own lives for ourselves. I hope things can work out.
  6. btbt
    All of these could be true and it sounds perfectly fine. As for being grossed out by blood, I've never met a guy who turned down sex because it was the time of the month... But if it bother YOU, then don't do it then.
  7. btbt
    She's already told you that she wants to date other people, so don't put all your hopes on her. It sounds like, however, that what you need now is to meet other lesbians and form a community. It's natural to mix up your feelings for the first person you come out to and your need to get yourself into a world you feel comfortable with. I'd recommend taking it on the friendship level and meet new friends, and eventually create a group of your own so you are not so dependent on her.
  8. btbt
    About his brother's girlfriend -- he may have a crush on her (and thereforeeee comparing you to him), or he may be dropping hints at what he'd like you to do. Next time he does it, ask him a playful way if he'd like if you'd do those things and see how he reacts. If he has a crush on her, I wouldn't worry about it too much. It's out of your control and it would be an ugly scene if he tried something on her, seeing as how she is his brother's girlfriend. As for Friday nights, ask him about that too. If it's only happened a few times, he could truly be busy, but if it seems like a pattern, then you should know what's up. It might be harmless as him wanting to have a day to himself or with his buddies. It could be worse, but you won't know until you ask him.
  9. btbt
    This is not dumb stuff at all. From what you've described, your boyfriend has some serious issues with control. It also sounds abusive -- not physically, but emotionally. Someone getting mad at you eating their ice cream, especially when you paid for it? Sounds like college dorm room antics or little kids fighting over who got more of something. A grown man should not act like this and I'm surprised you've put up with it for so long. Don't minimize what he's doing; you deserve to do what you want to do without him watching you every minute. I don't know if you have kids, but imageine raising kids with this guy -- when you have to make major decisions such as where to send them to school or buying big or little things for them, imagine what he will be like! The stinginess is all about control too. Like my mom always told me: stingy with the wallet, stingy with the heart. You can try to work it out with him, but these seem like deep-seated behaviors that he might not be able to change. It's up to you to decide if you deserve better.
  10. btbt
    Hmmm, I understand what people are saying -- don't undermine yourself -- but I don't agree that you should hide things. Do women really flee from someone who doesn't have experience in a relationship? Maybe, if that means they don't know how to open their heart, but not necessarily so, if they don't know how to do little things like picking out the best restaurants or planning a fun day. But as for these little things, you don't have to have had a romantic relationship to know how to do them. If you've hung out with family and friends, you know what people like and what is fun for yourself to do, you can't be totally clueless as to what to do on a date. In the end, you have to do what feels right; and from my perspective, someone who is trying but is kind of awkward is much more attractive than someone who is hiding something or is too slick. I think Mr. Cactus provides a balanced perspective. I agree that you don't want to pigeon-hole yourself to someone as "never had a relationship" guy.
  11. btbt
    If he only comes around at night to sleep and doesn't make time for you in his regular schedule, then I think he's taking you for granted. It doesn't mean he doesn't care for you, but it's insensitive of him. Talk to him about it, and if he doesn't want to talk or make more time for you and it really bugs you, then you are not being treated the way you deserve and he might be the right guy for you.
  12. btbt
    Just be yourself. If you force yourself to be mysterious, you may lose the girl who wanted an open and honest guy (and vice versa). If you act like someone else, then the woman will like you for the person you are pretending to be and that will lead to problems down the road. That said, there's a timing and pacing to opening up. You don't want to vomit your entire personal history on the first few dates. Open up (or not) as you see fit.
  13. btbt
    Just be yourself. If you force yourself to be mysterious, you may lose the girl who wanted an open and hones guy (and vice versa). If you act like someone else, then the woman will like you for the person you are pretending to be and that will lead to problems down the road. That said, there's a timing and pacing to opening up. You don't want to vomit your entire personal history on the first few dates. Open up (or not) as you see fit.
  14. btbt
    I'm sorry you feel this way. When you are depressed, it is really hard to see the world outside of the box you feel trapped in. But chin up! You are so young! You have decades and decades of meeting friends that are right for you and for moving up in your career. You got a lot of things going on -- pick one and work at in earnest, e.g. if you want a better job, work on the things that will help you get a better one. If you've had bad friends, put yourself in different social situations that will enable you to meet better ones. All this will be slow and will take time. There is no instant fix for any of this. You have to start in slow, small steps and believe in yourself. Also, avoid destruction behavior -- like drinking and gambling. Avoid drinking altogether as it compounds your depression. I'd also see a therapist if you can as you sound very depressed. That could be a good first step.
  15. btbt
    True, some guys are not phone people, and true, some guys don't call because "they are just not that into you." Take that book with a grain of salt -- it seems to give some good advice, but the best judge of what's going on is your head and heart. If you boyfriend doesn't call you and makes you call all the time and initiate plans, then he's being inattentive. If he does call you but not that much and only to make plans, maybe he is one of those people who don't chat on the phone. Your gut should tell you what's going on. In the end, if it really bothers you that he doesn't call more, you should tell him.
  16. btbt
    Going with the flow is good, but agonizing over what to do is not. You don't have to tell her, hey I'm totally clueless, but you can honest and say that various things are new to you. I think that openness, and sometimes clumsiness, is much more attractive than someone who knows all the moves.
  17. btbt
    Yeah, NC is really hard and takes a lot of discipline. Maybe give yourself some mental cues. When you find yourself thinking of him or wanting to talk to him, immediately think of something else, like the problems you had in your relationship, or a dream you have of a new and better relationship. Or you can ask a friend to help you out -- when you feel like calling or e-mailing him, call the friend instead. This is kind of like the strategies to get over addiction, which sometimes a relationship is a lot like! Good luck and be strong!
  18. btbt
    From the little I know about AA, it seems like some of their techniques would help in getting over the relationship. Loving someone is kind of like an addiction, no?
  19. btbt
    If it seems like he's pulling back, something must be going on (in his head). As him about it, and tell him you're upset about it. You've been dating for two years; you deserve to know what's up!
  20. btbt
    flysurfer, what's the relationship with your girlfriend and her family? Does she seem very influenced by their opinions? I ask because I've seen many a marriage go awry because one partner cannot stand up to their parents or other family members. If this is the case, you have a tough road ahead. My friend's wife does not get along with her mother-in-law, but her husband has no ability to deal with this, so the outcome is that the husband has a strained relationship with everyone -- his mother, his family and his wife. Unless your girlfriend seems like someone who can handle such a situation with tact and aplomb, I'd recommend moving on.
  21. btbt
    Work on the drinking -- it may be a quick fix, but in the long-run in makes your depression worse. People who drink are more prone to depression. Get a clear, alcohol free mind so you can focus on moving on.
  22. btbt
    You should do what's right for you, but you can't hide your sexuality from your dad forever. If this is just a fling or hanging out as friends, then it might not be the time and place to tell your dad, but eventually you'll have to find the right time. Good luck. It's not easy, but I've seen the most conservative of families handle this in a loving way (though it may be initially hard at first).
  23. btbt
    Another option -- do things for yourself. Cultivate relationships with friends and family. You don't need a relationship to make yourself feel better and I applaud you for refraining from getting involved when you know that you are not ready.
  24. btbt
    Don't sweat the small stuff. Maybe she was preoccupied with something, maybe she was upset, who knows. You're off to vacation, so be yourself and have fun. If your gut is telling you that something is wrong, talk to he about it, but don't overreact.
  25. btbt
    You seem to be really supportive of your friend with all your practical help. However, try very hard not to be judgmental of her. It's true that she just may be immature or lazy, but some people also are just lost and don't know how to help themselves (it's like people getting impatient with depressed people, telling them to "snap out of it" when the don't know how deep things can run). Having said that, being a supportive friend to her is not going to be easy. You have to decide how best to do and that and if you are capable of that. As much as it is important to be supportive, you are not in the end responsible for her. There's a psychological condition called "malingering," which seems to describe some of the things your friend is doing. It sounds like she could use some professional counseling -- that might be the first step in helping her feel like she can help herself.
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