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Celadon

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  1. Celadon
    So sorry to hear about that, Mike. It must be devastating if you felt like she knew you loved her, then for her to admit she's been feeling fearful instead. It may take some time for you to absorb this news, but I hope that eventually you will just take it as something that happened, and not something either one of you should be blamed for. I think people communicate differently, and that creates misunderstandings. It's not like either person wanted to be misunderstood, it just happens. I dated a guy once who couldn't take my need for clarity. When we would discuss a problem we were having, I thought that breaking everything down into clear thoughts was the most helpful thing in the world. But he felt like I was trying to "pin" some blame on him. See - we just communicated differently from one another. Sometimes we learn those habits as kids and it doesn't occur to us that it could be contributing to our problems. Well, keep the faith, mike61. I hope for the best for you two.
  2. Celadon
    Gee, elizmdavis, isn't there any way you two could get together for good? It sounds like a great match. Are you both seeing people still?
  3. Celadon
    This doesn't sound good, tantalizing_elegance. I'm sure there's a lot that's going on between you two, so I wouldn't be able to say your situation is caused by this or that. Usually, couples have past fights that never really resolved and the anger is building up. I know what you mean about trying to deal with someone in denial, btw; it feels impossible. With men, it seems like the minute they think their wife or girlfriend is criticizing them, they clam up, instead of being humble and thinking maybe there is something he could do better or pay more attention to. Sometimes counselors are available at a reduced fee, especially when it comes to domestic violence and abuse. I don't know about where you live, but cities have nonprofit agencies that serve abused women. Maybe you can call a few up and explain your situation and also that you don't have much money to pay for a counselor. See if they know of any way you can get some professional guidance. If you haven't explored that possibility, at least look into it, because a counselor could be very helpful and improve your relationship with your husband. So sorry to hear you're in this situation, but I hope that things will get better for you and you two will be able to reclaim the love you had.
  4. Celadon
    Fragilesmile07, this sounds like a situation that needs help from you AND her friends and family. Tell her how concerned you are about her, and that this cutting, drinking and smoking are all self-destructive. Ask her how she feels about what she's doing. Sometimes we don't see things about ourselves that other people can see clearly. Help her to see that you want the BEST for her. You wish good things for her, like her being happy and carefree and open to the good things life has in store for her. Tell her that you are so concerned about her, you'd like her to see a counselor. There should be people in the area, maybe at a nonprofit organization in your city that serves teens. You can search on the Web for one. You might need to bring in some other friends, so they can back you up on this. Try not to go behind her back, but hopefully, if she knows how worried you are about her, then she'll be okay with having people as a support group to get her to do positive things and move on. I've been through some horrible breakups, and yeah, they can really be rough. Friends help sooo much, just letting you talk and stuff. Eventually, she'll have to go through all the stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). But once she does, she'll see that there are many guys out there. I am certain she has a good future ahead of her. She just needs your help in seeing that. She's really fortunate to have you as a friend.
  5. Celadon
    Kevyn, he sounds very dear to you. I'm sorry to hear he lost his friend, and that he's become distant. I think it's fine to keep your distance. He could be re-evaluating his life. But I don't think it would be too out of line for you to send him an e-card (or real one) just to say "hey" - you know, something funny and light. But the tricky thing is, do you like him as more than a friend? Because if so, you know he already told you he didn't want to have a relationship, and I would be careful to invest my heart in someone who has already said that upfront. But if you're really okay with being friends, then there's nothing wrong with your gently checking in with him, and give him a safe place to talk about things if he wants to. Maybe you can take him out to drinks sometime.
  6. Celadon
    Hi mike61. Seems like you're going through a very emotionally charged time right now. I think that it could take some time for your wife to sort things through (I read your other post), so you have to be ready for the long haul. I don't know how much of daily living stuff your wife did for you, but just at the most basic level, you should start thinking about taking care of yourself (and the kids? couldn't tell who they are going to end up with). Dealing with very practical concerns can help you get through one day at a time. Taking things as they come will be a valuable coping mechanism right now. I mean, you don't know what the future will hold - it may be that your wife thinks about things for awhile, then the two of you have some serious, constructive discussions, and you find your way back to each other. The most positive thing you can do right now is let her know you care and want her back, but will wait for her. Then go about being the best dad you can be and the most optimistic person you can be. (I mean, she wouldn't come back to depressed selfish person, would she?) It's okay to tell you her miss her. I know it's scary to be on one's own, but you know, lots of us are doing it, and doing just fine. You can do it too, for as long as it takes. That's all for now, but hang in there!!
  7. Celadon
    I didn't say it earlier, but I agree with HajiMaji. Sounds like an excuse for her to do whatever she wants. That's not cool.
  8. Celadon
    This is just my opinion, but I would save telling her how you feel for later. Show her how you feel by being her caring and charming friend. Actions speak volumes. Since she already accepted a date for the prom, I'm not sure your telling her that you would have asked her will do much good. If she gets to know you better, and likes you, then after the prom she'll hope you ask her out.
  9. Celadon
    Well ... I think that asking her out now would be a little awkward. But can you spend time together without it being a date? Something more casual and friendly, like playing tennis or going for a bike ride or something (whatever makes sense for you two). I wouldn't want you to step out of the picture just yet if I were her.
  10. Celadon
    Yeah, I can understand what you're saying about her boyfriend. (He really is a "boy"friend isn't he? ) I can't imagine he really knows what's going on in his life either. It's sad that someone would accept his gf ignoring him in the company of others -- but I guess I can't judge, because I was with a man who didn't treat me well either. Love, or infatuation, makes us lose our judgment sometimes. I notice that you haven't mentioned why the two of you broke up, but you said you want her back. I think that's important to consider if the reasons for your break up are still there (lack of communication? lack of forgiveness?), and if so, how you would remedy them. Anyway, hang in there. I hope you get the feedback you're looking for here.
  11. Celadon
    Hi Skeeter, sorry to hear you're in a rough patch right now. Well, I'm a woman, but I'm not about to stand up for what your ex is doing, because I think she's not giving very much - just taking, from what you describe. I think what you want and what she wants are different, and it's holding you back. I disagree with her that it's okay to spend a whole weekend with a guy "friend." I mean, c'mon! Get real! I also don't believe that she really wants to be friends with you, at least not true friends. She "needs" your help, which is different than needing you as a person. I know that's not what you want to hear, but I think you realize it already. For the sake of your kids, please stay involved with them. But see your ex as she is at this point - the mother of your children, no more. Guard your emotions and don't get sucked into her world. You don't need to fix her car, her condo or anything. Please try to meet other people, pursue your interests, take up a new hobby and just get OUT there to meet some other women. I hope you can feel free and happy again soon, Skeeter.
  12. Celadon
    If she says she wants to work on being friends, I think she felt something was lacking before. She probably wants to take this time to learn to communicate better, like make the conversation flow easier, or have more fun (w/o making out, or whatever). I think you'd jeopardize things with her if you started seeing someone else, really. 'Cause I think right now is sort of a let's-see period, as in, let's see if we're good together even without the intense stuff. Let's see if he respects me and listens to me and we can have fun and not get into arguments. I'm just concerned that if you did date someone else, and she did want you back, you two wouldn't be any better off than before, because things would be exactly the same. She's trying to build a good friendship with you now, so why not see where that goes? That's my take on things. Good luck.
  13. Celadon
    You have two choices: Keep things with him strictly professional, or give him up entirely. He is interested in you. (It's a good thing you snapped at him!) You haven't been with your bf as long as this other guy, so maybe you don't the same sense of history. But give him a chance and don't do things that could threaten your relationship with him. Both for your sake and for your daughter's. She's only six months old. Invest your love in her; babies really need that. They can be trying sometimes, but you'll be proud of yourself for giving her all the love and care she needs. Best of luck to you.
  14. Celadon
    Woah, woah, hold on, Rigel. Please don't even THINK of going in that direction! You are a special unique person and have lots to look forward to in life, so please don't think about suicide. If I were in your situation with a friend, I would probably feel the same way, especially if I were your age and in school. At your age, the whole world seems to revolve around school and friends and family. But you know what, things change and life gets bigger and things like this won't seem as painful. I remember a girl like that in school. We were both smart and were talented in music. But she was outgoing and I was shy. She was good at drama, I was stiff. She even played the piano pretty well, which was "my" instrument. And she sang great ... grrr. But we weren't exactly the same, and I've learned since then that there is no single model that everyone should fit into. I mean, think of someone you love. Would you look at them and think: She should be better in This and That and The Other Thing? No, you look at her and notice all the interesting qualities she has - and you KNOW that she is a different, special person than anyone else on this planet. I believe that your parents love you SO deeply, they probably forget to tell you. Or they think it's obvious (sometimes we all need reassurance of that, though, don't we?). I've also notice that parents do stupid things, like they get so enamored of one of our friends, they want to "encourage" us to like that person. In a weird way, it's because they care about us and want us to succeed. I know, it's kinda backwards, isn't it? So what to do about your jealousy? Focus on things that are different but positive about you. Maybe you haven't noticed them because you've been trying to be so much like your friend. But I guarantee you there are things that you do or enjoy or care about that are different from her. Maybe you are a better listener than her. Maybe you give better advice to friends who are unhappy. Maybe you love animals and she doesn't. Or you're good at sports. Finally - you're in higher college prep, so you are smarter than a WHOLE bunch of people at your school already. And you're smarter than many kids your age. Keep things in perspective, and you'll realize you're A-okay just as you are. (And if you need to get some perspective, go volunteer somewhere and help those less fortunate than you. Life is big, Rigel, very big.) Take care.
  15. Celadon
    Yes. It's interesting, though, that you believe the girlfriend. I would wonder if somehow his ex picked up the phone, or some girl who wants to be with him. If nothing else, I'd just want to clarify that for my own peace of mind in knowing for sure what happened. Is there any other way to contact him - maybe stop by his place? I'm sorry to hear that this has happened. It must be rough and maddening and the whole nine yards. It could very well be that you were romanced by a deceitful, egotistical player. If so, I'd leave him immediately, so he can't do anything else to you. A guy like that has NO respect for other people, and it is unrealistic to think you'd get anything good out of him in the future. Good luck.
  16. Celadon
    Yeah, like richgabe says, people speak "love" in different ways. So can you two compromise? Understand that he can do the phone thing sometimes, but also try to figure out other ways to feel in touch with each other. Some people love special dates, others like it when their s.o. helps them out. Still others like exchanging little gifts every now and then. I don't know, maybe you're too into him, and you're not sure if he's that into you. Perhaps what you really want to know is that.
  17. Celadon
    Romantic Sweetheart, RUN, don't walk, away from this man. Your intentions were honorable, but he is insecure and angry and has major baggage. It's clear from his behavior. Do not feel badly. You have been straight up with him. In fact, his expectations of you were way out of line. Also do not think you should "rescue" him since he's feeling rejected. He is a grown man and should be able to turn to his friends if he needs to deal with his emotions, not resort to saying childish things like, "Whatever." I don't know if you can be transferred to a different workplace, but I would try to do so. I know I'm sounding strong on this, but it's clear to me that he is not behaving maturely, and I see nothing more that you can do other than lead your life and let his chips fall where they may. Best of luck to you.
  18. Celadon
    Hi kk, welcome to enotalone. So sorry to hear you're feeling low and unhappy. You sound like me, awhile back. May I share some thoughts with you? I hope they might shed some light on your situation, and maybe help you to know what to do at this point. Basically, I think you've been sheltered all your life. Partly that's because of your family (not that they're bad, but they sound protective). But partly that's because of your shyness or insecurity. I know ALL about being "strictly business." I worked at this place for a few years before one co-worker told me she knew almost nothing about me. It really surprised me, 'cause I hadn't realized I wasn't sharing much. But the point is not to place blame, but to understand that there are reasons you find yourself in this place. It's not because you are a bad person, you're just ... less developed than you'd like to be right now. That's okay, though. The first step to moving forward is accepting where you're at. I don't know if you're living at home or what, but if you are, I encourage you to move out. Honestly, it is difficult for a person to figure out what she likes if she's in the cocoon of "mom and dad's house." When you live on your own, you make little decisions that start to reveal your preferences. Even simple things are helpful and make you feel more like your own person, like - do I like my house clean or do I tolerate a little mess here and there? Do I feel like listening to the radio, or watching TV or talking on the phone? What foods do I want to try to cook this week? Overall, take things one step at a time. Don't keep thinking "I'm such a mess, nothing will help me get out of this situation." Instead, choose one or two things you'd like to accomplish each week. Such as? "I will figure out one thing I like or feel happy about, and then tell that to a few of my co-workers, so they get to know who I am better." Give yourself some slack, too. If certain situations make you completely freaked out, maybe you're not yet ready for them. Don't worry -- you'll be ready soon enough. The road to happiness starts with taking care of yourself, and sometimes that means not pushing yourself when you're uncomfortable. You're only 25, so chin up! This is a great time in your life. Enjoy discovering who you are. As for the guy, I suggest you concentrate on knowing yourself before you really start to date anyone seriously. Believe me, dating brings up all these other issues (like insecurity), and it's better to have two strong people dating that one needy person clinging on to the strong person. Hope some of this helps. Take care & feel free to post more on enotalone.
  19. Celadon
    dfreitas, I know what you mean. My ex is getting married soon, and it makes me bitter not because I want to be with him, but because he's always got good things going on. And after how he treated me, well ... it just seems rather unfair, ya know? Why should he be happy and fortunate, when I'm still recovering from what he put me through? Believe me, I know where you're at and what kind of scumbucket you're dealing with. BUT, yes, everyone else on here who says to live your life without taking revenge is right. When you think about it, your best friends probably would like to see you happy, carefree, excited about your life, and free to find Mr. Right. And they want that not because they're tired of talking with you about the ex (although they might be - >wink I try to remember that when I start having bouts of "why me???" It does help. Will you choose to be happy and let go of the bad memories too? Take care.
  20. Celadon
    I'm SO glad to hear someone say that! There is hope afterall. My healing has had more to do with getting over the bad memories than trying to hold on to the good ones. I do still think about him nearly every day because we still live in the same town, and there are reminders all over. But I haven't run into him, fortunately. What's helped me the most is looking at our motivations. I can pretty much say that his motivations for dating me weren't in the right place. I'm sure at some level he cared, or wanted to care, about me, but there were too many times when he'd be mean, when I was just trying to have a good, loving relationship with him. Densil is right - if the person was The One, they'd still be with you. The best thing to learn after a breakup is how to get back on the horse. Good luck to us all!
  21. Celadon
    Sounds like you are on the right track, then. But understand that you can't make anyone respect and love you. You can only attract the right kind of woman (a nice one) by being who you are (nice) and demonstrating that in a visible way. Talk about what's important to you. Let it slip about the nice things that you do - communicate who you are. For example, that you were helping your mom with something last weekend, or you volunteer at a homeless shelter, or that you think it's a shame that teachers don't get paid more. That's all part of the "nice guy" package that you need to sell. The jerks are selling something else, but who cares? There's no need to be who you aren't.
  22. Celadon
    misslonelyheart, I've been where you are, and just wanted to let you know you're not alone. The hard thing about breakups is that there are SO many issues going on, it's tough to deal with them all. Imagining your ex with someone else is definitely one of them. I agree with shes2smart - keep busy. Let me tell you what I've learned from when my ex broke up with me (not once but twice eyes ). First, he broke up with me because he wasn't that into me. (There's a book out by that title.) Not saying that he didn't love me in some way because we DID go out for 3 years. Just like your ex loved you, I'm sure. This may not seem like what you want to hear, but trust me, it's a BIG help to accepting what happened and helping you move on. The bottom line is that YOU don't want to be with someone who is not that into you. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. You deserve better, that's what I'm saying (even though you loved him and thought he was perfect, etc.) Another thing that's hard is that he may have lied to you, or hidden things from you. So you wonder what exactly was going on with him that you didn't know about. But, like I said before, "he's just not that into you" gives all the reason and motivation you need to know. Believe me, I am the queen of trying to figure out what happened with my ex. lol. He even made up reasons that didn't really turn out to be true in the end (he said he didn't want to get married for years, and now he's getting married). So what I would wish for you is that you would heal, put him out of your mind, chalk him up as a part of your life that's in the past, and focus on what you want for yourself now. Set little goals that you can get excited about. There is much out there for you, a whole big world of wonderful experiences. Don't let your ex hold you back. P.S. I know you said you want to get back with him, but consider what his behavior has been for the past two months. If he wanted to work things out with you because he values you, he isn't making much of an effort. Again, you deserve better than to have to chase after him. Should be the other way 'round, imho. Take care.
  23. Celadon
    I'm not sure what you consider "moving forward" with this woman at this point. You have found a special person, but are the two of you dating exclusively? If not, she can go and meet with whomever she wishes. What were you doing checking her cell phone, by the way? Isn't the more appropriate thing to do, to ask her if she is seeing or meeting any other men? I don't think you should be patient; you should have a talk with her about where the relationship is and where it's headed. You two need to be on the same page. I know what you mean about being mad but not confronting your s.o. - I did the same thing, and I warn people from doing it too much, if at all. Those are some of the worst memories I have now of my ex (not expressing myself for fear of him not being able to handle the conversation), and I would like to keep others from that hurt. It seems politic at the time, but these issues need to be discussed.
  24. Celadon
    Good gravy. What you are talking about are the acceptable limits of your relationship. Those are CONDITIONS (hey, another "C" word!). Also known as boundaries. If you don't think you can deal with your gf hanging out with other men, or you must approve of them before she sees them, it is a condition on which your relationship is predicated. I assume that if she doesn't accept this condition, you two will no longer be together, yes? Or, if you are willing to lose on this point, then yes, you tried to exert CONTROL, and she refused, and you accepted her refusal. I mean, you've either got to accept it or not -- see above, "conditions." There is another possibility - CHANGE, meaning that you could opt to find a way to feel comfortable with her seeing whatever men she wants. For some people this is do-able, and for others it is not. There is no shame in either - only you know your capabilities.
  25. Celadon
    HTML guy - Are you really talking in generalities, or is there a specific woman whose attention you're trying to attract? Just curious. Yes. Some women like guys with money. If you're not one of them, then you have two options - get some more money, or look at other women. I doubt a woman who values money is going to change her tastes.
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