Celadon

Calling all positive people out there ... ! I'm looking for your advice on how to stay positive and joyful, in spite of the problems life throws you. For me, it's been a rough couple of years -- heartbreak, stress. As a result, I realize I've ended up in a place where I'm letting people's bad behavior dictate how I feel. It really sucks! Life goes along, then suddenly I'm thrown for a loop. Sometimes I feel like I have no power to ignore the hurt or neglect I feel, and it really affects me. But now, I'm determined to take back my life. Instead of letting the bad parts of "reality" weigh me down, I want to focus on what's valuable in life ... what makes life worth living. I think I deserve it. I would love to hear anyone's words of wisdom on what you find helpful, how you stay "disciplined" (if that's what it is) to choose the happy side of life, what makes you glad to wake up in the morning, what gives you satisfaction with life. Thanks, K8tie.

John - thank you for letting us know. I'm sorry you're hurting right now. Please believe you WILL get through this. You will!! All of us have gotten through it, some people after a LIFETIME with their husband or wife. You did the RIGHT thing in confronting her. Although you don't want to think this way now, at some point you will realize the good thing -- you've freed yourself up to meet a wonderful woman who will not take you for granted, will not criticize you, and will be *so* happy that you love her. Treat yourself well in this time. Go for a run. Drive over to the coast and stare out at the wonder of nature. Do some guy things. Read a book on grief. You are not happy now, but others here have gone through breaksup too, so you're not alone.

Hi Toppers. Yeah, I kinda agree with Crazy8. Doesn't seem like it's your job to "rescue" her. She strikes me as a serial dater anyway -- she hasn't stuck with any guy too long. But, if you really like her, and it sounds like you do, you can let her know you only date girls who are *available.* Why? For starters, if you guys do hook up, do you want some guy homing in on her? That's just rude. And, she needs to know you respect her choices, even if you don't agree with them. She *did* choose to go out with Jason (the scum). Respect gets a relationship going on the right foot. Disrespect from the start dooms it. And do you really want to go out with someone who is too helpless to get out of a relationship? Let her do her part. She's broken up with guys before, so she can break up with Jason too. OK. I've probably said more than I should. Good luck with it.

Hey John. Thanks for venting here. I just wanted to say I feel for you and your situation. I also went out for awhile with someone who was very unique, so I totally understand where you're coming from. I don't know why your gf would think it's okay to be rude to you; maybe she came from a family that was really critical? But regardless, I think you're right to stand up to that kind of behavior. It's just disrespectful and has no place in a relationship. I'm not saying that she's bad, but dissing you has GOT to stop. You seem like a nice person, and unfortunately we nice people can spend our lives making up excuses for other people. I hope your gf comes around. If she doesn't, though, I want to encourage you to believe that there are lots of sweet women out there who know the value of a good man. Best of luck, and when you're stressing, don't forget to take some deep breaths. Works wonders.

Hi Gladiator. So can you tell us a little more what you mean by lack of communication? Is it that you don't feel like you're connecting on a deep level? Sometimes developing better communication is a matter of technique -- both people learning how to listen better, or express themselves better. Other times, communication problems happen 'cause one person doesn't really want to get close. That's a tougher nut to crack...

Hi Hotshot. Well, if you have a mutual friend that you *trust,* you could ask him or her to ask this girl... Sometimes it's good to use the subtle approach, like the person could say, "So, is there any guy you'd like to get to know better?" You know, instead of "Do you like Hotshot?" which could embarrass her because it's so direct. In the end, love is a risk. Everyone has to decide if they're willing to let their feelings be known. If you think she's worth it, go for it. You have nothing to be ashamed of for trying. " 'Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all..."

Sorry to hear you're going through this rough time. Your ex is clearly in unsettled territory, and who knows how long he'll be there. He wants to feel he's gotten experience in life. He wants to know that he when he settles down, she's the best one for him. Only problem is, he doesn't know what "best" means at this point. So where does that leave you? Well, since he's not promising anything to you, you need to take care of yourself. I would advise NOT clinging to the hope that he'll be back. He may come back or he may not (I hope for your sake he does), but when he does it'll be when he's ready. So you need to live your life in the meantime. It's unfair to you to put your life on hold while he goes around doing whatever he wants to. Keep your contact with him at a friendly but not intimate level. Don't let him talk to you about his friend/girlfriend, or his confusion. Since you had a good relationship before, you can talk about the stuff you have in common, but don't invest yourself in him. He's made a decision that you have to live with. IN fact, you'd probably heal better if you didn't have too much contact with him for awhile. AS for moving on, don't feel like you have go out and date someone just because he probably is. Hang out with friends, do the things you like to do but couldn't while he was around, and just chill out. Getting over a breakup sucks, but you'll get through it.

I totally agree with avman. It's good to think about what you want to accomplish and what the consequences are of letting someone have it. The reason we yell is 'cause we want want justice, we want this person to be exposed, remorseful, sorry. I know the feeling. But unfortunately, hauling off and getting mad usually doesn't accomplish that. Or if it does, the relationship isn't the same afterwards. Now the other person's going to walk on eggshells around you 'cause they think you're a time bomb waiting to go off. That's not a good rep to have. Still, you don't have to swallow it. You have a reason to be mad. (Except for ego maniacs and people with a gross sense of entitlement, I think there's usually a justifiable reason when someone feels angry.) You can confront the person assertively, like avman suggested. "Hey, when you did such-and-such, I felt hurt. I don't know what you were meaning by that, but I didn't like it and don't want to be treated that way ..." In the end, the Big Picture question is whether you want to allow other people's actions to control your actions. (If someone takes something out on you, do you *have* to get pulled down with them?) Personally, I'm learning to let other people own their actions -- it's their problem, it's no reflection on me. Thinking this way has kept me from getting mad lots of times. Hope some of this helps.

Hey Perpetuus. So, you wanna be more fun. Good! I think you have to start by believing your girlfriend when she says she wants to be with you and the fun-thing isn't as important as she thought. How does that relate? Well, if you're worrying about whether or not you're being "fun enough," I guarantee you, you won't be any fun. Ya can't worry and have fun at the same time. They're mutually exclusive, so lose the worrying. Second, find out what *you* consider fun. Get in touch with your lighter side by doing things you just plain enjoy. Sports? Funny movies? Playing games? Dancing? Trying to find the best burger in town? If you're in touch with your fun side, it'll come out more when you're with her. Third, find out what she means by being fun to be around. Is it a light-hearted attitude? Creativity? Willingness to try new things? Zany ideas? Friendly ribbing? Getting silly together? Your girlfriend's smart to choose a guy who really cares. Keep it up! The fun part will come.

Hi Hotshot. You're really hooked on this girl, aren't ya? Have you tried getting a small bunch of friends together for something fun and inviting her along? Maybe also invite someone you guys both know, so she feels comfortable. In a group, there isn't the pressure of one-on-one, and you have something fun to focus on. You can talk to her a bit, let her get to know you, show interest in her, etc., but you'll both have time to chill with other people too. I wouldn't spend too much time trying to decipher cafeteria seating arrangements, really, although I've been there. I mean, who knows, maybe it's her friends who are choosing the table and not her. The important thing is to be yourself. Enjoy what you enjoy. Try to find things you two have in common. Be friendly and nice. Cheers.

Hedieann, I'm sorry to hear you're in a rough spot, and through no fault of your own. I think you're right in asking why your boyfriend isn't getting the help he needs to get over his childhood issues. One explanation is that he really *doesn't* value getting married like you do. If a person wants something s/he makes it happen. If he's all talk and no walk, well ... you come to your own conclusion about that. You need to decide for yourself how long you will wait. Even though you are in this relationship, it's still your life and you still need to make decisions that are good for you. I was with a commitment phobe for a few years, and yes, in some ways it was wonderful. But he had issues that got in the way of our relationship, and although he recognized them, he didn't do anything about them. After a few years my conclusion was: He wasn't thinking of the relationship. He was only thinking of himself. We're not together now, and I am free to find a man who is ready to devote himself to our relationship and our future. I feel I deserve that much out of life. Best wishes, whatever you decide to do.