Celadon

Twilight: breaking dawn

Bravo, mfan. I particularly liked the line about the guy who's been emailing for ten years. My friend is in that situation (but not yet 10 years, lol).

Good night moon

Glasses are dirty. I can't see a single thing. Too lazy to wipe.

"I love you" - no, wait "I hate you but can't let go." That's co-dependence.

Kite Runner. So good!

I just find it incredibly interesting that a thread started six YEARS ago has been resuscitated. Shows that we have similar issues over time, I guess.

I'd say your bf and his ex aren't behaving respectfully to you, so no wonder you feel jealous! I don't think that's wrong. I'd say that no matter how strong you feel you are, it's still your bf's responsibility to help you feel secure in his love. It's hard, but tell him how you feel.

A great post! Thanks!

Niiiice. Thanks for sharing that. My favorite lines are: "We would surprise each other with alphabets made of twigs. It was a wonderful time to be alive, or even dead."

You are not wrong for wanting to set the record straight. It may be an occupational hazard, but it is a noble one. You must continue to speak out for the poor and oppressed. But I think the real challenge is in figuring out how to do that in a socially acceptable manner. Sometimes, adopting a more lighthearted attitude is better than adopting a ferocious one. Sometimes I laugh to myself because something sounds so ridiculous, then when I go in to correct someone, it almost comes off like I'm amused. Sure, I may be deriding them a bit, but it's better than me coming off all hotheaded. Yeah, I agree with Abby. people feel like you're arguing with them when you don't acknowledge what they've said. it's basic (and hard to remember, that's one of my challenges ). Other people will get MORE argumentative when you put them down. Believe me, people know your friend is racist, or whatever, by what he says. So what you really want to do is provide correct information, not put him down. Besides, if *he's* argumentative and tries to win the argument, he's a loser. I work with a guy like that, and it's all pride and arrogance. You deserve to make your point, put the correct info out there. I might even suggest not solely addressing the guy with the wrong info, but addressing the group. You won't change his mind, but you could change the minds of anyone who is listening, know what I mean? The real battle is to win over everyone else, not the people who are too racist, sexist or otherwise prejudiced to recognize reality.

Oh, I'm really good at taking things personally. It's second nature to me, really. But I've learned that it's not helpful at all to be this way, so I'm trying to go in the complete opposite direction. I think that NOT taking things personally is a good tool for self-protection. It helps me respond in a more rational, reasonable, compassionate manner. If I take things personally, I'm constantly feeling attacked or victimized. So to counteract that, I consciously try to put the responsibility on the other person, if that makes any sense. For example, I've got a difficult employee. She's just not interested in working cooperatively with me. I took it personally for awhile, but that got really old really fast. Created too much anxiety for me. So now when she glares at me or doesn't get done what she should, I tell myself, "She's the one with the problem. That's too bad for her." The trick to NOT taking things personally is to insulate (or isolate?) yourself from the other person's actions. And, don't believe for a minute that -- even if you were wrong -- that it makes you a bad person. That, I think, is really a key point. Some people are more prone to taking things personally because they are just more emotionally sensitive. That doesn't necessarily change throughout life, but I think we can learn coping skills that will help us to deal with difficult situations more effectively. BTW, I totally relate to renaissancewoman. My first thought when someone cancels on me is that it's a reflection of how they regard me.

Always be willing to try something new. It will keep life fresh and you creative. P.S. Damn there is some really awesome wisdom here! Wow. I'm blown away, seriously!

Glad to help, TheRock. Also remember that people go through phases in life. Some of my college friends got opinionated and sarcastic as they got older, but now they've mellowed again and we're having a good time. I'm glad we've kept in touch because the good times are here again.

Yup, Fisch, we're on a similar journey when it comes to personal growth. Thanks for sharing about the balance between healthy self-esttem and selfishness. I think you're right that maybe I've got to get some of my old self (or ways) back so I don't become narcissistic. LOL! I totally agree, mgirl. It IS a matter of preservation to have boundaries. I've studied boundaries a few times in the past, but there always seems to be more to realize about them. Sometimes boundaries aren't about rejecting others, but giving yourself space to nurture yourself or simply be yourself. If that makes any sense! I've been thinking about this, tronix. It's a great idea. It's less stressful to change a few things at a time, rather than just be all scatter-shot. I was running from being stung over and over again by people, but I haven't really figured for where I've been running to. That's really great, rodeo-rider! Sounds like life as Nana is very satisfying for you.

Seriously, I've been wondering about this. It feels like as I learn to stop being such a doormat for other people, I'm actually getting more irritable and demanding. It's like I've swung waaay in the opposite direction. I grew up being very dutiful, responsible, etc. Well, I'm still responsible, but somewhere along the way I realized that having boundaries is a healthy thing, and that people will take advantage of you if you let them, and that I'm often stressed out because I'm not taking care of myself. So now I'm trying to take better care of myself, and be more attuned to what I want/need, and I find myself getting way more irritated than ever before at people. With every little thing, I find myself thinking, "S/he's such a flake!" Or "how come s/he's not responding to me?" It's like I've unleashed a monster .... ! (sort of joking there, but only sort of!) Is this normal for when someone finally starts standing up for themselves? I half-fear that I'm going down a very selfish path and will never be happy because where, after all, will it end? It's like instead of a good healthy self-esteem, I've replaced my compliant nature with a sense of entitlement. What gives? I was just trying to become happier with myself, my life and others. Help.

That's really profound, TheRock. I'm going to think about that one for a bit! Hm....

Batya, yeah that's good. Give a little do-able goal, so it's not so daunting. Musicguy, if we lived closer, I'd go around with you too! Good point about one person meeting someone and the other not, though, ghost. I'm glad I'm not the only one feeling this way. Thanks everyone. After my OP, I've been wracking my brain to think of who I know who might be open to doing a little networking and I'm going to put out some feelers to them. Maybe some of my not-so-close friends are more apt to be into the dating scene than my immediate friends. All it takes is one or two people to open up the world to a whole bunch more people!

I find the dating world to be pretty lonely. I don't have friends who want to go meet people, or if they do, they'd rather do it by themselves than with me (attending singles events, etc.). I'm pretty p.o.'ed at them about that, in fact. I *can* go to things by myself, sure. But I'd rather go with someone or a group. Can anyone relate to this? Eh, I'm just venting.

I've experienced the same thing. So I've tried to make new friends, and even that's hard because people tend to get into their comfort zones and aren't open to new people. Hard to tell you what to do, exactly. You're not married with kids, but neither do you fit in the singles category. I say that because sometimes life stage really does influence who befriend whom. People in the same life stage just have more in common. I'd say if you're not getting back from your friends what you need, either talk with them about it or cut them loose and make new friends. Otherwise you'll start to feel bitter because they're not reciprocating.

For those of you who are self-confident, I have a question: Do you consciously talk to yourself in your head, affirming yourself? As you go through the day, how do you practice kindness to yourself, or how do you encourage yourself? I've never talked to myself, but I'm starting to think it might help.

Yes, teardrops! You are on a journey of self-discovery and the only way to go is straight ahead. I know what you mean. When I base my worth on others' reactions and interactions with me, I am MISERABLE. It's never enough to satisfy! So *I* must be the one who is excited about my life, my interests, my day. I must be my own cheerleader. I must be the one to take an intense interest in myself and my opinions and thoughts and what's happening to me. I have to be the one giving myself affirmation, saying, "Hey K8tie! That was great what you did, helping your roommate out." I'm with you on this one, teardrops!

Thanks for the reply, Alabama. I'll let him be for awhile.

Hi all. A friend of mine has totally changed his behavior toward me and it frustrates me not knowing what's going on. I don't know if I should reach out to him or give him space. We were friends before, while he was going out with his gf. They broke up, then he tried to rebound into a relationship with me, but I told him I wanted to stay friends. (Definitely didn't want to get into the mess of him going straight into another relationship.) He said he was okay with that, and he SEEMED okay with that, but now it's a month or so later and he's dropped contact with me. I just emailed him this week and haven't heard from him. What gets me is that we really were friends before, and he SAID he valued our friendship and didn't want to lose that. So I don't know if I should try to contact him again to say "Hey how's it going?" or let him be for awhile. What would you do?

Makes perfect sense, teardrops. I've thought the same thing: "It's the PERSONALITY that counts, isn't it?" What can I say? Yes, and no. It's nice to look nice, both for yourself and others. I'd say if you started collecting a decade ago, then some of your collection is out of style by now. just teasing you. Seriously, I have stuff I don't wear either, 'cause I don't know what it goes with. Do you have a department store near you with a personal-shopper service? Maybe you could take a few pieces of jewelry in and say, "I want clothes to match this, what do you think?" It's okay to get help and advice. Yep, been there too. In fact, I DON'T wear high heels because I value my comfort way too much. Why be in pain all day? Doesn't make sense to me. But I still wear low heel yet stylish shoes. Again, take baby steps -- wear something a LITTLE more form-fitting at first, until you're comfortable with that image. Then some months after that, change it up with a snugger top. I'm sure you will figure it out, teardrops. These kinds of issues do take time to sort through. BTW, I very much like caro's suggestions. Very practical and do-able. I'd take the list and do one thing at a time!