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mintblossom last won the day on August 4 2007

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  1. Well said. What Juliana said was right on as well. You were abused. Your mother and sister's denial of the situation does not change that what happened, happened and is very very wrong.
  2. you're young, plump, and ripe for the plucking. meat is so fresh when it's young. mmm...tender. i would pinch you if i could.
  3. hey....you okay? *HUGS*...one minute at a time. that's how we gain strength. i've had so many moments where i thought i wouldn't make it. but i always did.....hang in there buddy.
  4. well, one of the common things that an abuser does is that he tries to isolate you. that is an abuser will cut off her friends/family so that she becomes isolated and completely alone. i had no frickin' acquaintances even, that was how bad it was, no acquaintances at all. if i talked to another girl, he would say "are you a lesbian?" or "you're such a feminist" this isn't about college because any involvement with an abuser ends up like that no matter what your age. along the way i have met many bullies, manipulators, liars, backstabbers, creepy people, shallow people and some really uncool people. can't be around that.
  5. lemme see....in early elementary, i had good friends. in later elementary, i got bullied all the time by the most popular girls (who consequently have grown up and already had babies and never graduated college). my "friends" in later elementary were all the rejects. that was a harsh blow because i used to be so well-liked as a little kid. and very suddenly it all changed because i moved. imagine my shock! jr. high - 7th grade...lots of druggies, lowlifes...i didn't fit in there being an overachiever at school and all....i set the curve without trying so.....yeah, people were jealous and they didn't like me anyways cuz i seemed too pure. 8th grade - new school, i was getting real down on myself, people had their friends from 7th....i felt so alone....had a few nerdy "friends". high school - well by this time i had given up, totally withdrawn into myself, focused on achieving, achieving, achieving. hung out with the "nerds" but didn't really like them so i kept to myself mostly. was a pretty unhappy time, boys didn't notice me.....my grades were really good....i was a lost teen with no one and nothing to turn to. college - first bf - total jerk....forced me for sex, dumped me.......i became a depressed mess.....lost literally everyone. (not that they were very worthwhile ppl but at least i was connected to something you know?).....second bf - ABUSER!!!! frick, i was in an abusive situation for the longest time until i hit ROCK BOTTOM. no job, no school, no money, no friends, no acquaintances, jail record for misdemeanors, was losing my family, severly depressed, anxiety, panic attacks, constant abuse from this guy.....i swear i lost everything because of him and i was so good to him too..i had no frickin' anything. got out of that after years and years...then went to this company to work at my first job.....manipulated, lied to, used for sex, and then dumped by this one guy. (his friend set me up too.....his friend who i thought was cool with me had been backstabbing me the whole time). so i am FINALLY at my age, trying to make "real" friends. i have maybe two real friends TOTAL but they are real friends and i have my sis, my brother, my mom (my little family so.....if it's too late.....then im screwed.
  6. I think it's not so much whether he slept with someone or not, it's whether he's worth taking back. And I certainly don't have any exes worth taking anywhere, much less back.
  7. So, I am a little afraid to show my true personality to people. I am always very very polite, very "nice" where I almost feel fake, and reserved. It's like I can't show people my real personality because I'm afraid they won't like me or will turn on me. This might be because I have been slammed so much for being myself through life....whether from bullying or just from shady, uncomfortable dealings with people that I encountered..... And then sometimes I am afraid that they will "steal" my personality, like copy what I like and copy what I do, and copy me. I almost question if I'm a teenager trapped in a twenty something body. I don't understand because they can be about very minor things like.....copying my shoes or copying the colored paperclips I use???! I just notice this welling up in me. I don't get it. I just can't relax and be the way I naturally am around others. I'm not fake....but I'm not myself either, I'm restrained, repressed to the point where I feel like I'm a very dull person.
  8. okay, i am a lot calmer now. i read through this thread and i think there are two things here. for the women - it's important to define our boundaries, be very clear what we will and will not accept and to protect ourselves from the unscrupulous jerks. for the men - it's very important for good men to protect themselves as well, that is, to make sure sex is consensual and that the sexual messages conveyed are straightforward and that the girl is okay with what she is doing. (that the girl is choosing to have sex, no force). i can actually sense the fear good men would have of being falsely accused. for example, a man could say: are you okay with this? isn't this interesting? i can kind of see how men and women need to have boundaries when it comes to sex, even though those boundaries differ. the messages should be clear because oftentimes it seems fuzzy. and as for the molestors, perverts, and pressuring, coercing, assaulting bastards......well, they need to go to jail to prevent this from happening to any other women. i hope this all makes sense....sex can be such an emotional heated issue....i never quite understood it the way i do now. i have regrets about the men and sexual situations which i have placed myself in and which i was not knowledgeable or assertive enough at the time to get myself out of. but i won't let that happen to me ever again.
  9. the more i think about it, the more aware i am that lying is a symptom of poor character and poor moral values. that's a good enough reason to drop someone.
  10. sarahmarie, here is some real advice. the kind of advice that i wish someone would have laid out plain and clear for me and the reasons why. however, it is your decision what you choose. 1. stop having sex, step back from dating and really look at what you want. 2. use the time away from men to clear your head. 3. define your boundaries, what are they? what will you do and won't do? 4. affirm your boundaries and set guidelines for accepting or not accepting how you will be treated. 5. follow your own values, and rules. if a guy doesn't accept it, be OKAY with him walking out. this is the only way you will remain true to yourself. that's about it. we need to be very clear, very firm in what we will or won't do. we need to be prepared to defend our boundaries if someone tries to pressure us. say "no, i don't want this" and give yourself physical distance from the person if they will not do what you ask. be prepared to call a friend to come get you or to remove yourself from the situation. as girls, especially when we are attractive and young, we leave ourselves open to guys who might want to pressure, take advantage, or see what they can get. guys can manipulate, lie, but if you are very firm and clear what you will and will not do.....you will save yourself. a lot of this is about boundaries, really knowing yourself, and not putting yourself in vulnerable positions. as a young girl......hey, even last year! i did not have much dating experience and did not know what the hell i was doing. i left myself very open with unscrupulous people in bad situations. sometimes i look back and i want to bang my head on the wall and say "what was i thinking?" i was able to fend off a number of unscrupulous men, but i did get taken in by a few guys. no one ever sat down and talked to me about sex. i barely remembered any of the info i learned in sex ed besides what disease has what symptoms. however, i did not have a role model to sit down and talk with me about consequences, values or morals. as young women, it is your responsiblity to protect yourself. i had to learn the hard way by meeting several male sleazes. it left me with heavy emotional baggage, loss of faith in humanity, hurt, trauma......if i had known then what i know now......i learned the hard way. it makes me wonder why girls are not taught this. men are taught they can do whatever they want. but for girls their are consequences ranging from loss of reputation to stds to pregnancy to emotional damage to date rape. when women have sex, their bodies produce oxycotin (i think). this is a hormone that increases bonding and attachment feelings. it is also present in breast milk. that's why the more sex you have with a guy the more attached you will feel. for men, the amount of testosterone their body produces overwhelms the amount of oxycotin, which is why males do not feel emotionally attached after sex. chalk it up to evolution. but still.....protect your emotional and sexual health. and btw, everything i said here.....i have to learn to do myself. gah.
  11. the first time i had sex, it was with my bf at the time. i was 18, a freshman in college. we were on my bed messing around. i was thinking i might want to have sex with him, but i was very unsure because i had never had such feelings for anyone before and also because i wanted to wait until marriage. i had very conservative views about sex.......and to this day i feel a lot more conservative than people my age. i feel people my age can do things that.....i just can't do and wouldn't be comfortable or okay with doing. anyways, we got to a point and i said, "stop." but he kept on pushing and pushing....and that's when it really occurred to me that he might not stop. so i really pushed him and tried to knee him. i had always thought i would be able to stop at anytime but he just forced it in. i cried afterwards. i was very upset and i cried and cried. he was grinning and i asked him why he was smiling. he said "because we just had sex." then he became mad because he said i "ruined" it with my crying. afterwards i just submitted to him because i gave up. i thought i was ruined and hopeless, my wanting to be a virgin until marriage was taken from me. in hindsight, i should have never seen him again. but it was a very unhappy experience. at the time i was very naive, innocent and i did not see what a jerk he was. but i look back on it now......and it's still an awful experience that brings back traumatic feelings. i never called it rape, never called it pressure, never called it anything........but it was awful. it was just awful because i didn't feel in control and i didn't feel good about it at all. i felt like the decision was made for me against my will. i remember pushing him and saying stop and i remember crying hysterically. a philosopher.....sarte i think says that "hell is other people" and i really think some people purposely through their choices, actions, and behaviors towards others create hell. i don't completely understand how they do it but they are able to take experiences that are kind, loving, gentle, caring and turn them into experiences that become terrifying, hurtful, demeaning, and humiliating within a short time period. i would never have wanted it to happen this way but that's the way it turned out. it's really changed my perception of some people. before i really thought most people in this world were good. i actually thought the world was pretty much like disneyland, happy and clean and pure and that is the life i wanted to live. that was the world that existed in my mind, a world if honesty, truth, and goodness. so i did not really understand how to protect myself and how to watch out for unscrupulous people.......but now i know. i learned through painful experiences. im beginning to understand that a lot of these experiences are not just about sex. it is also about themes such as power, control, and humiliation. i think that some experiences do not strictly classify as "rape" in legal terms but that doesn't mean that the emotional, mental, psychological consequences to victims aren't just as horrifying and disturbing.
  12. well, obviously someone like that has some major issues. i hate women who make false accusations of abuse and false claims etc. that just demeans the truthfulness and validity of women who really have been in terrifying situations and lived through it to tell. it's sad that 20 women can tell a truthful story and 1 woman can make a false claim and then people will think all 21 stories are lies. such people are dishonorable and make everyone else look bad. i hope you are not implying that im not truthful because that would really be hitting low. anyways, no more sex for me for a couple years. i need to work through all my emotional baggage, clean up my act, clear up everything, have no entanglements, define my boundaries,live a simple life. that's what i want now......a simple life, simple relationships. no men. no more men near me for a long grace period.
  13. i would never make false accusations of rape. that would be disgusting behavior. believe me, he knows enough to protect his own butt whenever he pulls crap on other people. he's pretty skilled at covering all his grounds. i said he is good at doing everything within legal limits but that can include a lot of shady, nasty business. i still hate people like that. before, when we were on dates, he would walk me to the parking lot to my car. this was good because it was at night in the dark. the minute i had sex with him, he did not want to walk me to the parking lot. it was like there was not even a shred of basic decency or respect. he just flipped faces. i tried to have many sit down talks with him about whether he liked me and our status and stuff. he would usually listen, say nothing, and say, oh i have to watch this show.....this is my favorite tv show. and i would sit there....kind of baffled because i really made an effort to talk to him earnestly, honestly, openly. i should have recognized that as a big red flag....i don't know why i didn't. i gave him many openings to tell me whether he was interested or not...if he had ever said "im not interested anymore", i would have left quickly. but i always got mixed signals....should have seen this as a red flag. btw, i am sick of some men coming in this thread because some of you don't "get" it and are going off on a tangent. i really do not feel compelled to draw attention away from the topic i want to talk about to address other "plausible" issues but which really have nothing to do with what im talking about. (that is a manipulative tactic). it adds insult to injury.
  14. I haven't had sex with many men at all. Just 3 and I'm in my late twenties. The first two were relationships but very unpleasant. And this guy....very horrible. The first time I was forced so I cried alot, the second time pressured and I was completely emotionally numb, and the third time was this lying, manipulator. I think I have learned alot but I don't want any more horrible experiences. I don't think it takes me that long to learn a lesson because I try to learn as fast as I can now. I don't think people understand that being used doesn't come only from the act itself. It can come from what happens before or after. For example, he is pressuring and pressuring, and coercing and physically pushing you around and you feel worn like you can't fight him and that you have to get him what he wants. Or afterwards.....the guy flips faces, immediately turns on his side away from you after the act and ignores you. I tried to turn him around to face me but he just kept his back to me and I started whimpering....I had not expected him to behave like this immediately afterwards. I think the victimization part can come afterwards........not because the sex wasn't consensual but because he wants you to hurt, he wants to HUMILIATE you and break you down and he wants you to know it. I don't think he cared about the sex so much as it was a game of power, control, domination, cruelty, and humiliation like I got you. It wasn't about just having sex because we were attracted to each other....it was about having sex so he could humiliate, control, and break me down. The more I think about it.....the more I think it was less about having sex out of mutual attraction. I think the humiliation, his cruelty, the way he turned on me like an enemy or a worthless being...I am starting to think that really hurt me. It was like sex was a weapon for him to use on me, to punish me for his life. It was so cruel how cold he became....unresponsive, ignoring, cold. I need a long vacation from anything related to dating, sex, romance, men etc. I just want to be alone. And I think I will not let cruel people near me.
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