Celadon

I'm not sure what you're asking, scatcatfhsu. Are you asking whether she is interested in you? If so, my take is maybe, maybe not. Some people just appreciate nice, sweet people. You definitely could consider yourself a friend, though, based on the fact that she stops by to chat. It doesn't sound like you have any control over when you see her. In that case, you are casual friends. The next step would be for you to stop by and talk to her sometime, so the effort is reciprocal.

What do you say when someone makes up a reason to apologize to you, just so he can interact with you? There's this guy. He likes me. I don't like him. He knows it. So last week, some friends invited me to hang out with them, and they invited him to crash the party too. No biggie. I was cool with it. Didn't talk much with him, but I wasn't there to talk with him anyway. Now he sends an email apologizing for coming over. As far as I know, he's not apologizing to anyone else who was there. I think he's trying to make something out of nothing, which I find really irritating. So I don't know how to reply to his email. Ignoring it would seem kinda rude. I'd like to question him as to why he's apologizing, but maybe that's mean? But just saying, "Don't worry about it," seems like not enough. I dunno. My attitude is pretty much, "Whatever, dude." Any ideas? Thanks.

Hey, wow, I just made 1,000 posts! yahoo!

Exactly! I feel like a dope, plus I'm not sure WHO that person is who jumped off the deep end. (Oh, it was me?? Hm....) And it's such a waste of my time, too. That's what really kills me! And yet, I get sucked in and it's hard to shake, y'know?

Does this happen to anyone else? I just went through this mini emotional meltdown because I thought someone was trying to mess with me, and then I finally realized, it's probably not quite as bad as I thought it was. And so now I'm not only exhausted, I'm like, Woah! where'd that emotional craziness come from? Yikes. The situation is that I'm trying to buy a car from a broker. I thought he'd go to bat for me, but instead it's almost like he's ordering from some damn Sears catalog. I tell him I want this, that or the other thing, and he's like, "This is the way the car is, take it or leave it." Anyway, I don't trust car salesmen to begin with (sorry, no offense to any who are posting here) and dealing with this guy hasn't helped any. I hate feeling like I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, and yet, it IS a lot of money. I feel I should be getting exactly what I want, but it's not going that way and I'm thinking maybe I'll just give in instead. It's not worth my emotional turmoil. ARG.

Aye, that's good advice, Momene. This Friday, I'm going to get out there and meet some people!

Thanks, Ms. Babydoll. I'll keep fishin'.

OK, I've taken a deep breath and have regained a little sanity since my OP. Thanks for the feedback, friscodj. Yeah, maybe you're right -- hanging out with him now is not a good idea. Earlier this evening I was talking with a friend about being single and found myself on the verge of tears. I'm just treading on bad ground, thinking about the "what if...." To be honest, there were definitely good reasons why I didn't go out with him at the time. Maybe some of his negative qualities I've come to understand in a different light now, but there were also timing issues. I've never believed in timing before, but I sure do now. If the slate were completely clean, I'd be dating him now. But that's all water under the bridge, I suppose. So what else is there to do but go onward and upward!

People, I completely blew it. A man who had been extremely interested in me a few years ago is getting married next weekend. We never got together, and I take a lot of the blame for it. He also had some bad stuff going on in his life back then. Now, he's a changed man and I feel like a fool. He's getting married and I'm still single. We've been talking more over the past few months -- as friends of course, nothing more -- and we've still got "it." The same "it" that I turned away from back then. And I've let myself slip into, "What if ...?" thinking. I don't know why it's turned out this way. I don't understand why it seemed like the door was completely and utterly closed a few years ago. Yet now I look at him and think that maybe it could've worked. But now it's too late. AAUGH! Of course I'm happy for him. I'm glad he's found someone who loves him and whom he loves. Maybe it's just my pride and loneliness talking right now. Maybe I'm wondering how many of our friends are thinking to themselves, "It could've been Katie. Wonder how she feels about him getting married? She must be kicking herself now." Seems like the only thing I can do is just say, "I made the best decision I could at the time." He was in no shape for a relationship when we knew each other, and neither was I. Then someone pursued him, he said yes, and now they're getting married. It's simple. And for me, really sad...

Great OP! I can see you were PASSIONATE about writing it. lol. I've struggled with confidence, and someone here advised me to identify a role model and act like her. Sometimes acting confidently is a matter of having the example, and the tools. As you said, what do confident people DO? What skills do they act out? Motivation is essential, as are ideas on how to get to where you want to go. Here's a situation I could use advice on: Last night I was at a music rehearsal - I'm part of a community band. And this one guy comes in, and he's an extravert, and he starts talking, making jokes, etc. Basically, being confident and getting in the mix. To be honest, I sort of felt like he was taking over. And being as I struggle with confidence, I didn't really like it. The more he talked, the more I started to shrink. What's with that???? I hate that!! I hate how I reacted. I hate *feeling* overshadowed, and I hate having no clue as to what to do. What would any of you do? So yeah, I want passionately to be in the mix. I need to know how to act confidently in a social situation like that. I am NOT an extravert, but I don't want to feel intimidated by someone who comes in and acts like he's all that, you know? What holds me back is fear of looking like a fool (you know, doing something socially inappropriate). But what I want is people's respect and attention and enthusiasm.

That makes total sense, charley. I've never gone that specific, but I see as how it would probably have helped in a few situations. Some people might perceive it as awkward (and of course it is, since it's accompanied by "I'm sorry but I don't like you in that way"), but it's at least caring enough to be clear. The part for me that's led to trouble is, like you said, the other person's expectation. They don't know that I only talk to my friends maybe once a week at most, so they may think I'm dissing them if I only check in with them once a month, or say a friendly "Hi, how's it going?" when I see them, but don't engage in a lengthy discussion. Thanks for the advice! (And thanks to everyone else, too! Much appreciated!)

Incredibly well said, BellaDonna! That also means having a support system of friends, not just your s.o. Where does one start, in fixing yourself? Well, the first thing is to admit you do have some areas in your life that need fixing. That's a great first step. It helps to have an outlet, like enotalone, or a journal, so you can write down your emotions and thoughts. Getting it all out there helps me to SEE it, not just think about it over and over and over. Then it's good to try to improve in one little area - and make one little change that seems do-able. Like, if you're always bored, then come up with a list of things you'd like to do in your life. Or if you tend to be a hot-head, look up some techniques for controlling your temper (ask people how, or get tips from a book or Web site...). Just one step at a time, and don't forget to congratulate yourself every step of the way! Then, there's always going to a counselor, if you can afford it.

I am so saddened to hear about this. My thoughts and prayers are with the students, staff and their families.

I was thinking about that old saying tonight that two halves don't make a whole. You know, two "half" people shouldn't get into a relationship thinking it'll make them whole. You need two whole people to start with. That's really true. Especially for people who think the main reason for getting into a relationship is to feel better. People probably don't *consciously* do that, but I've known guys and gals who are miserable as singles. Then they get into a relationship thinking the other person will cheer them up when they're feeling down. But what happens is then they are unhappy in the relationship too, and get sucked into the drama of it all. Basically, they end up even unhappier. Maybe if we thought of relationships as an opportunity to GIVE rather than RECEIVE, we'd be more careful about getting into relationships that turn out to be bad. Just my opinion. (BTW, I've been there, so I'm not pointing fingers at anyone.)

Well, I'm glad you explained that to me, charley, because I wasn't really sure why "I see you as a friend" or "let's be friends" was so terrible. But then, I really have meant it as "let's be friends." When I've said that, I haven't been trying to get someone to leave me totally alone. More like, I've thought the guy was nice but not for me. So maybe I didn't mean it as a "we'll get together every week" type of friend, but at the least as a friendly and happy-to-see-you kind of friend. The kind you'd gladly pal around with in a group or play tennis with every now and then. If that makes sense.

Thanks everybody. It's a sticky situation, but I will practice saying, "I am flattered that you are interested in me but, sorry, I just don't feel the same way." BTW, I've had men who *thought* I was interested in them (but wasn't) also do strange things, like look exceedingly uncomfortable and make as quick an exit as humanly possible. lol! Maybe they thought that was being clear. haha.

I hear over and over that, if you're not interested in someone, it is best to reject him or her gently and honestly. I totally agree, because I know how much rejection can sting. But I'd like to know what exactly one should say? To be honest, I hear more advice of what NOT to say. Don't say, "You're a great person, funny, smart BUT ...." Don't say, "Let's be friends" or "I think of you as a friend." And don't say, "Sorry I'm busy." People consider those insults apparently. So give me some words. Tell me what to say. Thanks. P.S. This thread isn't a response to any other thread on enotalone, just a random question I've got. Apologies if this has already been asked.

Thanks for the good advice, all. They're much-appreciated food for thought. Honey Pumpkin, I think I've gotta start watching Lauren Bacall movies. LOL! Actually, I get what you're saying. If you have a vision in mind of what a socially confident person looks and sounds like, you have someone to emulate. But if you rely on "feeling" confident, that can falter. It's true, now that I think about it. When I've been around people I admire, I start acting a little bit like them. Confidence is catchy! Oh, NJRon, when you said hot water and bubbly suds, I thought you were talking about taking a bath -- not DISHES! haha. But you're right. I can (and often do) turn any task I approach into a bear instead of a joy because I see everything that needs to be done and I get overwhelmed thinking about how long it's going to take to put it all together. Scout, I like that active, assertive nature of your friend and her quote. I tried it yesterday, not just attending an event but thinking about why *I* personally was there. It definitely helped me not to get lost in what was going on! Wow, HealingHandsWarmHeart, you certainly do have a positive attitude. I don't know as I'd have had the same reaction to being laid off. But on the other hand, I do find myself urging friends to think positively (like you with your Ultimate Summer Vacation), so perhaps I should take the same advice? To be honest, sometimes I think getting down is nothing more than choosing to feel sorry for oneself -- because it's easier to do that than do something to make oneself happier. Of course, some days we don't have the energy, but other days we do and could easily decide to take the more positive route. Your bank example was a great reminder - thanks! talo, I hear you. If a person does not do what he or she wants (some might call it following one's instinct or bliss), then the person cannot know what or how or who he or she is. No decision making, then no results, no feedback, no satisfaction or dissatisfaction and no adjustments to be made. Nothing to think about or be interested in, I suppose. Some might say it comes down to self-efficacy.

*nods* So true.

This may be more of a ramble than anything, but I've always wanted to have a more joyful and energetic attitude about life. Instead, things just kind of happen and I go with the flow. I've started wondering if one of the keys to a more joyful life is being more intentional about it. Like, I do things, I hang out with friends, I work, etc. -- but how much of it do I do with any sort of choice. Or with a thought that, "I really WANT to be doing this! I'm so glad I get to do this!" I need to kick-start my attitude. Someone once said, "It's not so much that you do what you want. It's that you WANT what you do." Anyone else dealt with this? Anyone else made a conscious effort to LIKE what they do? I wish I had the energy to find a way to really LOVE what I'm doing. Sometimes, a lot of the times, I just go through the motions. Or I'm interested in it, but not joyful (emotional) about it. Ah well, thanks for listening.

Thanks everyone. Glad to have some back up on this. I appreciate it. Yeah, I'm definitely ready for ... NEXT!!

What really kills me about the post-breakup situation is when the ex says, "Well, let's be cordial when we see each other." First, that's insulting. I'm not about to haul off and scream at him in public; never did, never would. Second, I remember many times DURING our relationship when he wasn't at all "cordial" toward me -- he'd sulk, throw temper tantrums, accuse me of stuff I wasn't doing. So NOW he wants to institute a "cordiality" rule? Get real!! :splat:

Sorry you've had this heartache in your life, confuddled. I think I understand where you're coming from. The overall profile of your friend reminds me a lot of my ex. You have to understand that some people don't form attachments like you and I and others do. We value loyalty, sincerity, reciprocity. We serve other people's needs and expect the same respect back. But not everyone's like that. At the risk of misinterpreting your situation, it *sounds* to me like this guy is charming and can make people feel special. But that wonderful feeling is an inch deep and a mile wide for him. He'll as easily turn the charm on to you as he will to another co-worker, neighbor or random stranger on the street. Why? Because he can and it's enjoyable and he needs the affirmation. Negative but real emotions -- someone being justifiably upset with him -- are probably too complex for him to handle. He probably just wants to be happy, which is something that people can easily be (or pretend to be) if they are self-absorbed. You did nothing wrong. You formed an attachment to someone who is not able to reciprocate anymore. I know it's hard, especially because you work together, and it hurts like he**. But it will pass, if you are willing to let go. You're in limbo because it's sort of like a break up. Being close to anyone and then having them back out can be devastating, even if it wasn't a romantic relationship. I'm a woman and when one of my closer women friends started being unavailable to hang out, I really felt a loss (and a little anger as well, I don't mind telling you!). I hope you'll feel better soon. Realize that anyone would be lucky to have a friend like you, and go out there and meet some new people.

I know what you mean, too. And yeah, life's not fair. So my question to myself had to become ... what good is it getting me to be jealous of someone? Instead of reacting, I'm trying to just let things slide. Focus on what I want. Believe me, there are millions of things to be upset about in life (I've identified most of them, lol), but I've learned the hard way to not care so much what's happening with others. I believe someone once put it this way, "Run your own race." of course, your situation brings up other, more philosophical questions about life and fairness and justice, but I'm just giving you my practical take on it. Peace.