Celadon

I know what you mean. Even though I've worked on my confidence and have no problems now going up to people, sometimes the social pressure can knock me down a notch and make me feel inhibited. I agree with what everyone says, especially the truth that people aren't watching us as closely as we think they are. For one thing - they're all thinking about THEMSELVES. It's the truth!! They're more concerned about what YOU think of THEM than they are of what they think of you. Ha! When I realized that a number of years ago, it really helped free me up. The other thing is, you should like yourself. That way, your self-esteem doesn't ride on other people's opinions of you. Spend a little time alone, and think of things you like about yourself - your sense of humor, how you are kind to people, or how you have a particular skill. In general, people are often willing to get to know you, but you have to reveal yourself a little and give them something to go on -- like you did when you stood in front of the group and shared. Good luck! I'm sure you'll do just fine.

Accepting advice from someone all comes down to whether you feel they care about you or not. Lots of people want to be understood, and it takes a certain knack for the person giving advice to communicate that sympathy to the other person. You'll find that some people ask for advice, but when you give it, they'll keep prompting you for understanding. Without a hint of sympathy, the advice -- however well-intentioned and wise -- can come off as critical or even arrogant ("I know better than you" type of thing). I think it's great that you can get all sorts of advice, Tyler. I look back on one of my relationships and truly wished at least ONE of my friends had given it to me straight that my ex was messing with me.

IF I knew ahead of time why we stay in bad relationships, I wouldn't have agreed to get back together with my ex for a final round of abuse. Now, I'm just determined to choose a really good person, one not given to manipulation and self-absorption. Believe me, there are always red flags with these kinds of people. Unfortunately, when we are in love, we choose to ignore the signs - but they're there. No one goes from completely wonderful and stable to a sadistic manipulator overnight. I believe in love, but I should have been wiser. While I was holding on in the name of love, he was thinking of himself. Believe me, we're both better off without the abusive ex's, Shamus.

If you can block her calls and txts, do that. She's messing with you. Her behavior is just pointless and ugly, imho. She just wants to feel she can play with you and thereforeeee feel like she's still got some power. Please don't let her drag you through the mud. You deserve better.

Thanks everybody for your advice and words of wisdom. Exactly what I needed to hear. No, I *don't* want to get involved with him or get my heart broken or cause problems with his wife. I really appreciate some of you sharing from your own experience, even though it sounds like it was really really painful. I will take your advice. I will also try to get out more and meet new guys. *sigh* It's tough sometimes. I've tried internet dating, and nothing really came of it. But I suppose I can try again. Bottom line is, I need to try and think about someone else and not get sucked in any further. Wish me luck. It'll be tough, because we do share some things in common, but I know the stakes are too high not to distance myself. Thanks again everyone.

Yes, it's sad but true. I have a growing crush on a man who is married. The worst thing is that I like him and he's married, the second worst thing is that I can't get help from my friends with this insane crush because I'm too ashamed to tell them about it. I wish I could get over this, but I feel chemistry with him. We see each other fairly regularly, always in a group setting. I just plain old like talking with him. I like his sense of humor and we share certain interests. As a single woman, I've had a hard time finding someone I feel compatible with. So I end up thinking about this guy and looking forward to seeing him. I have NO INTENTION of getting into a relationship with this man. I am completely open to dating single, available guys. I just haven't found anyone who even comes close to getting my attention like this guy has. My problem is I'm starting to feel uncomfortable trying to "control" this crush. I don't believe it's in my best interests in any way to continue liking him. Is my only hope to get out on more dates so I can forget about him??? Help.

It's really interesting to hear what everyone has to say. I thought I'd be the only one, or one of few people, who would back off. But I see many people feel the same way. I definitely agree - the guy has to see who I am and be intrigued with me, without my having to get in his face. BUT, at the same time, I need to ask myself if I'm making myself available for him to know who I am, you know? If I'm being too subtle, maybe I need to send signals that I am open to getting to know him at least.

Just wondering what people do in the face of "competition" for someone they're interested in. Do you step up your attention toward the person you like? Behave the same way regardless of if anyone else is interested in him/her? Or do you back off? When I'm interested in someone, I try to act the same regardless, but I definitely notice when someone else is trying to get his attention. Sometimes I do back off a little, 'cause i hate to be obvious. lol.

Good thoughts, everyone. DropToZero, you were right in showing the girl compassion at the party, so don't think for a minute you did the wrong thing. I agree with smallworld, it's your girl's "rewriting" of the situation that needs a heavy dose of The Truth. Smallworld, you've got chutzpah, girl! Eveyone needs a few friends, or big sisters, to keep them from wallowing in too much self-pity. But you're right - compassion needs to come first. Sometimes I think that it's only when a person feels completely understood will they have the courage to change themselves.

Haha! I see you're not always compassionate, LostInMyThoughts! lol.

Yeah, that's pretty annoying, Guest12345678. I sympathize greatly. I was like you for awhile, because there weren't enough desks at work. I was moving from desk to desk every day! I was willing to put up with it because I am a team player. But after awhile I realized that nobody else in my office was a team player, and I was just getting the short end of the stick, so to speak. The only solution is to INCREASE THE NUMBER OF PC's at your workplace. I would be insistent but polite about asking for that. You as an employee deserve to have the resources you need to get your job done. Heck, if you have to think up a creative solution (get a discarded PC from another business) then do that. I wish you the best of luck!!

It seems like when people have problems, they get two kinds of responses from others: (1) compassion or (2) a slap upside the head. (LOL!) That's gotten me wondering, where do you guys draw the line between the two? How do you decide that the best response to someone is showing compassion, and when would you tell them what they don't want to hear (usually, the truth)? Some situations aren't too clear. At work, for example, one of my co-workers got in minor trouble with the law. Everyone (including me) acted sympathetically to him, even though he was clearly at fault. But then, I noticed him keep talking about how the incident is "forcing" him to do stuff he doesn't want to do, which made me wonder if I shouldn't slap him upside the head (figuratively that is). I don't mean to be unsympathetic OR judgmental. But I do think we all need to take responsibility for our actions. Other examples: What to do when someone who is lazy nonetheless complains about "all the stress" they're facing? Or when someone is basically a drama queen? Are there any general rules you follow when choosing between showing sympathy and telling the unvarnished truth? What do you guys think?

This is more of a "musing" than anything else ... but in case it helps anyone ... After years of acting like a doormat (basically) I'm reading through the book, "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. It's really good. The one surprising thing is that since I've been learning to set up boundaries with people, I'm getting really angry when someone tries to infringe on my boundaries even a little. Apparently, this is normal, because if you've been a doormat for so long, you've got some anger built up. The one good thing though is that I'm learning NOT to take responsibility for other people when they try to blame me for something. You know how sometimes people say, "You should've told me ... " or "You should have done this or that ... " Now I say, "You should have thought of it yourself. It's not my responsibility to think for you." In other words, I only am willing to take responsibility for what I do if the other person is willing to take responsibility for themselves as well. I just hate the hypocrisy of someone blaming me for a situation they either contributed to or outright caused. That's a lesson in confidence it's taken me a long time to learn!

^^ All good ideas. As a fellow "hidden emotions" person, I'd suggest spending time BY YOURSELF thinking and talking (out loud, to yourself) about the things you're doing that you love. Imagine scenarios in which someone asks you about the things you love, and find something interesting to say about each one of them! Imagine that person being really curious and enthusiastic about what you're saying. Sometimes I think we hide our emotions because we're afraid other people are going to judge us or not be interested. I was told once that I speak in monotone too, and I agree that it's directly related to your emotions, or ability to express your emotions.

I agree! This forum is a great way to learn about things without going through it all yourself. If a person is open and wise, you can avoid some common mistakes people make in relationships, or at least, waste less time on bad relationships. That said, there is definite wisdom from those who have experienced troubles in their lives and found ways (or the grace) to overcome it, wisdom that's only gained through experience.

Intrigue, I know what you mean. I consider myself to be a smart person, yet still I ask for lots of advice and struggle with feeling sure about my decisions. I'm learning to be more confident though. You know how parents are told to try to "catch" their children in the act of doing something good? (To encourage good behavior.) Basically, I believe in doing that for oneself - not just to encourage good behavior but to reward yourself for good behavior, or good decisions, etc. Here's my example: This week I was with a friend who is still bitter about a bad boss she once had. I happen to know her boss, as an acquaintance. My friend is still so consumed with her anger that she tries to get information about him from me. This week, I basically turned her down and refused to talk about him. Now, I think that was a good decision on my part, because I don't want to encourage her being bitter and I certainly don't want to hear her going on and on and on about him again. Before, I would have complained silently to myself about her behavior, thinking about how bitter she is and wondering "when will it end?" Before, I would have focused on her instead of on myself - and what's under my control - and instead of what a good decision I made. It's a small example, for sure, but I'm convinced if I keep catching myself in the act of making good decisions, I will become more confident over time. Hope this helps!

Oh I completely relate to this. One part of me is hoping my boss will slip up and insult the wrong person some day soon. Just yesterday we were in a meeting and he told one guy (John) how great John's work was, and that the project would have stood alone even without our other co-worker (Mark) doing his part. Mark wasn't in the room at the time, but he came in later. I couldn't tell if my other co-workers were as shocked as I was, but I hope so. If the boss is saying this behind Mark's back, what's he saying about the rest of us? That's just rude!

Thanks everyone for the replies. It's good to know I'm not alone. I wish I could complain about him; I haven't figured out a good way to do that because we're a small office. I don't want it to be obvious who is complaining, because he has no qualms about gossipping about people. I just hate how self-absorbed he is. He thinks he has "personality." eyes: I can't stand listening to him. But yes, keenan, things could be worse. He could actually be a terror instead of a fool. And LOL about leaving The Office in his mailbox!!

RANT WARNING: I'm sorry, but I just have to get this out there: My boss is a total bozo. I swear his behavior drives me up a wall. He feels like he has to dominate every conversation and display his "charisma" (hint: if you have to try that hard, you don't have any). I'm laid back, but I get work done. He runs around talking with people and trying to be Mr. Popular, and meanwhile gets as little work done as possible. He's always talking about himself. "Boy, I'm having a busy day today!" he says to no one in particular. Hey news alert - you're the boss. You're SUPPOSED to be busy. He talks as if he's doing all this work stuff, then he spends his every free moment typing his personal blog. He's a middle aged man! Such a loser. I wish department head would WAKE UP and toss this guy out on his keester. I feel like telling him, Hey man, if you want to sit around and do nothing , do us all a favor and quit so you can stay home all day in your jammies. Sheesh. Seriously, I pity the guy, but I pity myself more 'cause I gotta work with him. ](*,)

That's really good advice, ice, especially number 4. The hard thing for me was that my ex was very good at making himself look good to others. It was hard to pity him because some friends would talk about him as though he were some awesome guy. But knowing what I know about him, I guess there's plenty for me to pity after all.

When my ex came back, I think it was because he was lonely, not because he was any more interested in committing to me. He might have fooled himself into thinking he was being sincere, but there were some telltale signs he wasn't. For one thing, some mutual friends warned him to get serious the second time around, which he resented the hell out of. He went through the motions, but it was pretty half-hearted. For another, all he did was keep complaining that I wasn't as "into" him as before. You bet I wasn't. He had to prove to me he was worth more of my time. And in the end, he couldn't, because our relationship (in his mind) was all about him, not us. Personally, I don't think getting back together with the dumper is worth it. Just move on and find someone better.

That is very insightful, talo. Thank you. And it leads me to thinking that perhaps I have a deeper issue with expectations and authority. Given how I grew up, with parents who did not provide much guidance, that could explain a lot. I've do prefer strong leaders, but never considered the question of how to approach expectation-less (confusing) situations before. Sometimes I resent having to give situations structure when I am not the leader; I feel that would be taking on responsibility that goes beyond my job. Such is my situation now. BTW, regarding my rant about my boss - yes, I am senior to my co-worker, so it is logical that I would tell her to finish up the project. However, it was my boss's idea, so I felt he should take responsibility for it, not make it seem like it was my doing. I'm still disappointed by that, but oh well. It's not worth holding onto.

Great. Today my boss shafted me. He asked me to tell a co-worker to get a project done this week. I did. Then when he talked to her, he made it sound like I was the one pushing for her to get it done. What a classy boss, I tell ya. (yeah, he's also one of the goof offs...)

Hi melrich. Well, they clown around so much that, yeah, they do a minimum of work. One guy will surf the internet then go talk about something he just read with another co-worker for 10 minutes. Then he'll do a little work, but within 20 minutes he's back to talking again. I'll join them a couple of times a day, but not three times an hour. I find it's a bit challenging for me to keep my "equilibrium" (and not be critical) when they're habitually slacking off. But as I said in my OP, keeping my peace about me is definitely what I need to learn to do. I have to figure out how to turn off my brain. LOL.

Some of you have read my previous posts about how I struggle with getting annoyed by people. You gave me good advice about not trying to control people, just accepting them, etc. (Thanks!) Today I had a little "AHA!" moment. Basically, it's that somewhere deep down a part of me must be convinced that 'controlling' other people will bring me happiness. Of course, this is totally wrong, and I've proven it over and over through one irritating situation after another. My mom is like this, though, so I finally see where I got it from. Anyway, to help me CHANGE my attitude, I've got another question to ask everyone. Bear with me, this may sound stupid. (At least I'm being honest!) If you don't have expectations of people that they "should" act a certain way, then how do you relate to them? In other words, if your attitude is totally "I'm okay, you're okay" where does your satisfaction come from in dealing with people? Yes, I'm asking for you all to be analytical about something that's probably intuitive, but break it down for me if you can. I'd really appreciate it, 'cause my intuition seems to be broken. I know I have to accept the fact that changing the other person is not the solution to my irritation. (Well, sometimes it is, if someone's yelling in my ear and I have to ask them to stop, for example.) But what do I do after that? Like, what if my co-workers are goofing off? After I accept that I'm not going to try to control them, what do I do or think next? What would you do? This is probably a weird post, but thanks for any thoughts you might have.