Celadon

Hey that's great you had a good day, Cassidy! Yes! that's a real blessing. I think everyone's different. Some people get over breakups quicker than others. Whatever time you need to take, take it. That's what I say. If you're like me, you probably will have good days and bad days. After the break up with my ex, I remember feeling fantastic one day. I don't know what that was all about, but it sure was a relief! Then, I did have other days that weren't so easy. I don't know why that is exactly. Supposedly there are these emotional stages that everyone goes through. I think they're like .... denial, bargaining, anger, sadness and acceptance. First you deny it's really happening, then you try to get control over the situation, then you realize it's probably really over and you get mad, then you mourn because it's over, then you accept it. It's not necessarily a straight line from one to the other, but it just shows that we all have emotions and it's okay to feel things -- we all do. Even guys go through this, though they may not show it. About your ex and him not answering the phone ... geez that would drive me nuts. Maybe you can say ... "call me at such-and-such time and we can talk. I don't want to keep leaving messages for you, but I do want to talk with you." I really hope everything works out for the best for you.

Yeah, I know what you mean, Cassie. Sometimes the worse thing about a breakup is wondering if you meant anything to him. I'm gonna say to you that it probably DOES feel like he owes you an explanation, and in some ways, he does, but like Bounder says ... your ex may not be able to give you what you need to hear. That's probably the hardest part of it. That was the way with my ex. I didn't understand why he couldn't just say what he thought ... that he needed to be with a different type of person, or that he felt our personalities were not compatible, or that he had just given up hope. ANYTHING would have been good. It sounds your ex doesn't have any ways to solve the problems in your relationship. He just knows he doesn't feel good and he doesn't have the energy or will to make it better. For his own sake, he's gotta break up. Like you said, that may not be fair, because he didn't tell you how he was feeling. But -- no offense -- as a teenager he may not be that mature. And even though you deserve to be treated better, he's not able to handle it right now. I'm serious about how you should talk to people and spend time with others and see how you're connected to other people too. The problem when a couple goes out is sometimes their identity gets wrapped up in the other person, so suddenly when they break up, the girl not only misses the guy, she also feels like she doesn't have any joy in just being who she is anymore. Finally, I just wanted to say, I'm sure he misses you too and that you really meant a lot to him. It may not show, but it's there... he's hiding it better than you, that's all. Hope some of this helps you.

I've been there, too, Cassie. Hang in there. My first major breakup, I felt like I was going crazy. I had invested SOO much of myself in him and in the relationship, it was like my heart had been ripped out, thrown on the floor and jumped up and down on. But you know what? You're stronger than you think. And your world does not revolve around him, it revolves around YOU sweetie. You're still the same person you've always been. Still a daughter, a sister, a friend. If you have girlfriends you can confide in and cry with, please call them. Sometimes, a girl just needs to vent, and that's perfectly okay.

Wise words, plufber! cool.

Aw, thanks, Borica7! You're a doll.

Well, sympathy from others lessens the hurt. That's why women like men to listen to them and understand, rather than telling them how to fix the problem. Being supported is the point, not solving the problem. Hurt can also make one feel isolated - esp. if it was intentionally inflicted. Sympathy tells the hurt person "you're not alone." Make sense?

Yeah, I know what you mean. I don't have any magic answers for you, but from how you describe it, you're not even giving yourself a chance to get to know the guys who like you. I know it's rough and you don't want to lead anyone on. But ... are you not going on ANY dates at all? Or are you turning them down after a few dates? I think it's best to give them a chance (lol - my friends would tell me to take my own advice!). There's definitely a fear factor I think. You don't want to settle, after you had strong feelings for your ex. I think some of us are afraid to be disappointed, too. Like, we fell for someone and we went for it, and it didn't turn out. But ultimately, we gotta get back on the horse and risk a bumpy ride for awhile till we meet our REAL white knights. Personally, I don't mind waiting for the right guy. I've got my eyes open, I'm open to meeting new guys, but I also have faith that the right one will come along if I'm patient. Take care.

So, wow, I can see why you'd need the weekend to recover from work. You're doing the work of other people and not getting any thanks for it or anything! I'd be madder than all get out. I've got a basic question for you: What would happen if you didn't do other people's work? IS that possible? It sounds like your ethics are compelling you to help your firm do the best possible work it can, by finding all the wetlands and endangered-species areas. But my question would be, is it realistic that you would have to compensate for the incompetence of your co-workers? Can you, for example, do work separately from them - just do your part of a project, or do a project that doesn't involve others? I'm like you. I want my company to produce the best quality product we can. But I've learned to let go of my perfectionism, because I can't compensate for the blunders that others do. Like you, I get mad when others couldn't care less (like my boss sometimes). But I'm fortunate too, because I can do a lot of work on my own, and I'm able to take pride in that. BTW, about the "wink-wink-there-are-no-endangered-species-here" attitude of your co-workers, isn't your firm liable if it turns out there ARE species found? That would seem like a good enough reason to favor competence over incompetence. Hang in there!

Thanks for replying, you guys. You're so awesome! I'm glad to know I'm not weird for wanting/needing reinforcement and empathy. Phew! You know, I never really thought of that! I mean, I'm sort of "subtle" in personality -- people've said that -- but I didn't think about how to be more explicit. That's pretty exciting actually. I'm going to start thinking of some things I could say. Now that you mention it, I *have* seen that sort of technique work before. When one of my co-workers thinks the boss isn't listening attentively enough, she'll say, "SO, John, what I need from you is ..." And it gets his attention. Thanks bunches for great advice!

Not even sure I should post this, it's a little embarrassing, but what the hey... I really want people to sympathize with me. I'm not demanding of my friends, it's more like I feel disappointed when they don't give me the understanding I want. Like, if some person hurts me, and I tell a friend about it, I want her to say stuff like, "wow, he was really rude!" or "I'm sure that must've hurt..." Not just listen politely for awhile and then change the topic. OK. I know not everyone is good at sympathy, but sometimes I feel like I give my friends SO much sympathy and listen to them and offer my best advice, and I can't expect the same from them. I may not have "drama queen" stories to tell, but I still deserve to be listened to. BUT, I don't know how I'd really say anything about it to them without sounding like a whiner. Sometimes I feel like my only "defense" is to stop being such a good listener for them. OTOH, is there anyone out there who used to be like me, but changed?

This guy sounds a little to matter-of-fact to me, wastedtime. Mister everything-has-to-be-equal. If you don't want to teach him some relationship skills, then cut him loose now. I wouldn't blame you. But you might give him another shot too. Some dates I've gone on, we play the "I'll get it next time" game or do the "I'll get the tip" offer. Perhaps this may not go well with your expectations, but it's not so bad, providing you do earn an income. Instead of going Dutch, grab the whole bill - then say coyly, "Oh, you can get the tab next time." That way, there's a relationship established, some give and take, and not just two people being insanely equal about everything. About walking you to the station, it WOULD have been nice - but perhaps he figured it was daytime and you could walk yourself back safely. It was a total lose of a statement for him to make that he doesn't have time because he has to study, though. Negative points for him on that one!!

Hi DamagedImage. I agree with Reilly2856. There is some natural rapport that guys may have with girls, but your man needs to learn to control himself. I dated a guy just like this, and I wished I broke up with him waaaaay before we finally did. ACTIONS speak the truth, imho. If he REALLY doesn't feel comfortable flirting back, then he can stop. It's a no-brainer. How can you feel secure with a guy who lies to you? I think he just enjoys the attention he's getting (and probably has always gotten). The problem is that he's disrespecting you by not making it clear to the girls that he's TAKEN. I hate to see any woman torn apart by a bf who can't control himself. I stayed too long with my flirting ex, and I regret it big time. He put himself first -- not me, not our relationship. Please do consider what's best for you. You deserve respect.

Yes, go see a doctor. It's the wise thing to do. Taking care of your health means checking out things that might be harmful. Don't be scared though. Lots of women have cysts in their breasts. They're not necessarily cancerous, but it's good to have it checked to make sure. You will have peace of mind after you see a doctor. Don't be afraid of what the diagnosis might be. Think of it like having your car tuned up (sorry, not an elegant comparison, but it's true). It's something you do regularly so it keeps running well. Same with our bodies. Be smart and make an appointment today. And I hope you feel better!

You know, one of the trickier parts of breaking up, for me, has been talking with mutual friends about the ex. Especially since the situation was that I gave a lot and he took a lot, and then he dumped me. (That's the short version, lol.) There's a part of you that wants to just tell the whole world about awful things he did. But that's not cool, right? And no one wants to hear it. At the same time, it really bothers me when people think he's such a great guy. What to do? I was just thinking about this tonight. The best thing is to talk about the relationship from your point of view. "I tried my hardest." "I really loved him" or even "I felt really lonely while dating him" and "I felt like I wanted more from him than he was giving." That way, people don't label you as "bitter" when you're just telling the truth. And hopefully, you are able to start coming to grips with how things really were. Just a random thought, in case it helps anyone. Thanks for listening.

Hey there - I've been where you are, and I know it sucks but hang in there. You've got a lot to live for, and I'm SURE there is a lot of love in your future. I remained friends with my ex, even as he went off and got interested in someone else. You know what? Your ex is only going to think about himself, no matter what he tells you. That's the bottom line. Don't hang around thinking that he's somehow trying to find a way to get back together with you, because if he wanted to get back together, he'd do it. I don't mean to be mean, but I'm trying to help you see that it's GOOD for you to do no contact, and you're on the right path. How to get out of the hole? A lot of people throw themselves into something else: running, a new hobby, something enjoyable (but healthy). They hang out with new friends, or old ones. They keep busy helping out other people, like visiting seniors who can't get out of the house, or kids with disabilities or something. It's VERY hard to move on if you just have loads of time on your hands. It's important to involve yourself in other people's lives, so you can get your mind off of your ex. I also want to say to you that you DON'T NEED him in order to feel good about life. I know may feel that you need him, but feelings are just feelings. You can fall in love with some new guy just as easily as you fell for him -- I promise you that. Try to believe it. Keep posting here as you need to vent. That's what the forum's here for.

Thanks, Sonjam. We all met at the same time. I have wondered if they're separately e-mailing or phoning each other, but I don't think so. I guess it must just be a personality thing, where there's something they respond to in each other. I don't think they know how I feel, but at the same time, we're not so close that I'd think they really care, you know? They're being kinda insensitive and I guess I'll just have to accept that and not make a big deal out of it.

I've got some friends - not close friends, but more than acquaintances - that I don't know what to do with. Meaning, I don't know if I should continue to be friends with them or back off. There's two guys and a gal, and we all volunteer at the same place. Sometimes we exchange e-mails during the week, as a group. I've started wondering if I should bother to keep up with the e-mail conversation, because it doesn't seem like people respond as fast to me. I know it sounds dopey, but the two guys respond really fast to the other girl and they are always quick to empathize with her. Like, if she feels sick, one of them immediately e-mails and sounds all concerned. As you can tell, I'm kinda put off, especially because I've been completely friendly with them. The other woman even has a bf, so it's not like either guy is trying to hit on her. I'm sort of feeling like, if I have to compete for equal attention in the group, it's not worth it. One friend suggested that the other three are similar to each other, so they understand each other better and more easily. What do you all think? Should I just clear outta there? E-mail only as a I feel like it? Lower my expectations? Thanks for any feedback!

*blush* Aw, thanks. You guys are so incredible too! I love what you said, Ilse - that someone will find me. Heehee! I'm all for that! OK. I'm starting to feel better now.

Hmm, good point, sidehop. Guess I could ask, couldn't I? I am assuming he's married, though he's never posted about that topic one way or another... I remember someone here at eNotalone once chose the wrong gender sign. That was pretty funny...

I was on another online site - not a dating site, but a discussion board - and noticed this one guy who was very smart. He had responded to one of my posts and complimented me on what I said. So being a curious person I looked up other posts he's made and started to think, "Wow, this guy's really interesting! (Unlike most of the guys I happen to know.)" I've been reading and enjoying his posts for a short while now, and just tonight I found a "profile" feature on the site, so I looked up his profile. You know what? He's MARRIED!!! Major disappointment. This is the first guy I've thought "wow" about in awhile. Just makes me wonder again when I'll find Mr. Right... Oh well...bummer...

Just a thought ... maybe you can ask her what she'd like to have happen. We all need to vent sometimes, but if it seems like she's stuck, perhaps you can draw her out to think a little bit about what she wants. Her parents push her, for example: maybe she'd like them to lighten up, or show some confidence in her, or accept her as she is. I'm not suggesting you tell her what to do (women want to be listened to, not just told what to do). Your role could be help her to think more clearly about what she's doing. If she's constantly getting depressed, does she realize that? Does she want to continue doing it? If she does, you may have to put up with her helping everyone. You can also make observations. Like, "Oh, you seem to be getting down after you help people. It's hard for me to see you this way. Are you okay?" Some people's self-esteem gets tied up in how many people "need" them, by the way. They don't tend to listen to other people, because they are afraid that if people don't need them, then they're worthless. Anyway, hope some of this helps.

It sounds like you guys should have a talk. It might be difficult to have, but you're not getting anywhere this way. Find out what he really thinks. It could be that he hopes to start a relationship with you, but wouldn't do it unless you two were working at separate companies. (But you know, he would probably not want to pressure you to quit.) Or it could be that he'd like to be friends, but doesn't want to be misinterpreted or to mislead you, so he's not suggesting hanging out. Personally, I'd talk to him, and then if he's interested, expect him to make the first move. About the age gap, if you do want to have a longer term relationship with him, you'll have to think about what things would be like down the road. When you're hitting 30, he'll be 50. Will you be okay with that, if he starts "slowing down" physically? Just something to think about. Good luck.

Welcome to eNotAlone! I have a few thoughts: Trust is knowing that when someone says he'll do something, he does it. Trust is not having to check your S.O.'s cell phone to see who he's been calling and who has been calling him. Trust feels like a warm blanket. Trust feels right. You feel the important stuff is being said between you two. And when you bring up an issue, he listens and tries to understand you. Trust means being able to tell the other person about your weaknesses, and feeling safe because he's not going to throw it back in your face. In fact, he'll try to be sensitive about it. Trust makes an effort to build the relationship; it's forward looking, and not about instant gratification. Trust is based on integrity. Look at a prospective BF and see how he treats other people, how he conducts himself, what he manages his work/career/finances. But, trust is NOT blind. It gives itself to the other person when he demonstrates he is trustWORTHY. It is poop when someone says, "If YOU don't trust me, there's something wrong with you." If you have legitimate concerns based on HIS behavior, trust your instincts.

Midknight, being friends with your ex is a very slippery slope. I think it's good if both are willing and both are COMPLETELY over the other person. But a lot of us fool ourselves to THINK we are over, when we are not. I would do NC and then see if you are still thinking bitter thoughts towards her. If you are, you are not ready to be friends, because she might do something distrustful again and that would remind you of past bad experiences. If you can fully accept what she's done to you before, and put that in the past, you are ready to be friends. I was friends with my ex, and that worked out until I realize he was only friends because he was "lonely." The minute he got a girlfriend, he dropped me as a friend. That really hurt, and has taken me MORE months to get over than the initial romantic break-up. So, be sure her motives are pure and genuine. Good luck!

You look like a guy who is friendly (in a nice way, not overly slick) with a good sense of humor. Definitely NOT ugly in the least!! I agree with smallworld on your eyes.