Celadon

Thank you, ShySoul. Good advice! I agree that each one of us contributes different skills and attitudes. I do want to value both my work style and theirs. I just hope that they DO value my workstyle, you know? No one wants to be taken for granted. Well, thanks again!

Thanks for the advice, BillyJean. I'm glad to know someone understands what I'm talking about. LOL about how the guys at your place keep trying to be Mr. All That with the girls. I guess I'll try to accept my co-workers as they are, instead of trying to apply "rules" to them - like, they *should* be working - even though that seems like a no-brainer. It's tough because one guy basically blames everyone else for his shortcomings. Not in a mean way, but if he's late by two hours, he blames traffic, though he only lives 15 minutes away. His attitude bugs the heck outta me. You're right - it's best to make work a positive experience. I guess I need a new approach. I've been trying to make it positive by focusing on work and getting things done and being helpful, etc. Clearly that's not working. Well, I'm sure some people appreciate it. But I feel like I'm butting my head against the wall because of my hope that everyone else will be the same way. Time for an attitude adjustment, I guess! Thanks again for the advice, BillyJean. I'm open to other advice, too, if anyone else has some.

Does anyone have ideas on how to work with people who don't have the same work habits as you? Two of my colleagues come in late, talk about non-work stuff during the day, surf the Internet and think they're hot stuff but are really pretty lazy. (Sorry, I'm trying to give the short version here, that's why I'm being blunt.) I like things efficient, organized, well thought out, positive. Some chit-chat during the day is great, but mostly I like my workplace to be business-like rather than a party. Our boss is a bit of a wimp, so he doesn't really bother to talk with my co-workers. I've tried to just focus on my own stuff, and that's actually helped. But what still bugs me is feeling like we're not working together as a team. I don't want to have to become a goof-off in order for us to get along we work as best we can together. And they don't seem to be interested in my way of doing things. So ... it's disappointing and I don't know what to do. Help.

Thanks, whitefang and detox5. I'm glad to know I'm not alone! detox5, you're right - there are things I love to do and I should do them, regardless. It's funny because I used to be so good at hanging out by myself. I would write in my journal and play music and just daydream. I don't know what happened to that part of me, but maybe we change as we grow older, huh? I really do think it's easier to feel a part of a community on the Internet than it is in "real" life. Isn't that weird? It's hard to get together with friends because, like you guys said, they're doing their own thing. We're all people, of course -- whether we connect online or in person. But each one of us, IMHO, needs people where we are, as well as in chat rooms. Well, it's just an interesting thing to think about. Tonight I will be hanging out with some friends, so that's good. A group activity is not the same as having someone available every day, but it's nice at least.

Is this normal? Sometimes I feel lonely and so in the evenings I just hang out online instead of doing things that might be more productive. Like, reading, doing the laundry, listening to music, grocery shopping, etc. I live on my own with some roommates. I work during the day. Lately after work, I've been visiting one website a lot to chat with people. There's one guy I was enjoying talking to, but he said he's not going to hang out there much anymore. I don't know if this is just a phase or what. Lately, it feels like my energy and focus have just disappeared. I've turned into the Internet equivalent of a couch potato. I don't want to bother with the "real" world. I do have friends, but no one's there to talk with every day, so I feel lonely. Maybe being in chat rooms numbs that loneliness. Or maybe I'm being dependent on others to make me happy. Sigh. I don't know what to do.

Yeah, that's so true, Clueless. I think no one's listening, which makes me tense. But the loud people take it in stride and just keep on talking! It's good to remember that technique. Thanks for replying!

Thanks you guys! I appreciate the reassurance and advice. Today I tried to focus more on my own stuff, and I had a better day. What do I want out of life? Ariyadhana, that's a good question! I've got a "bad" answer and a "good" one. The "bad" one is ... I want recognition for the contributions I'm making at work. To be perfectly honest, there's a part of me that wants people to be impressed and excited by what I'm doing. Is that self-centered? Maybe! All I know is it really bugs me when someone talks himself up to others, and they're all like "Oh, that's so great!" -- but he hasn't put in half the work I have. But on the other hand, I also hate talking myself up, because I think it's cheesy to do that. Looks like I'm in a Catch-22, huh? The "good" answer is that I want to be able to follow my interests and be happy in general. I want to feel like I'm spending my time on things that are worth my while, whether it's practicing my music or read books or meditating or connecting with people in a way that I enjoy. Right now, I find myself wasting time sitting around wondering "Why did So-and-So do such-and-such today" and why I am so irritated! Tomorrow, I think I will take a break every now and then and read something funny or interesting. Hopefully, then I will feel like I'm staying in touch during the day with what I want out of life, and not just putting up with junk.

I don't know how else to say it except this: I feel like I'm putting up with a lot of junk in my life. Most of that "junk" takes the form of my being irritated with other people. I've got co-workers who are slackers (which makes more work for me 'cause the boss is also a slacker) and friends who aren't interested in doing the same things I am. I can't control other people, but how do I enjoy myself IN SPITE of other people? I find myself doing mental comparisons -- like, "how come they have time to surf the Internet at work while I'm slaving away?" -- which leave me stressed and annoyed. Does anyone have advice for staying centered when crap is going on all around you? I know about boundaries, but they only go so far. I get frustrated because I don't feel I'm being nourished. Thanks.

Love it. GREAT advice, DN. Thanks for the reminder. Sometimes I try to do everything well, then end up getting frustrated and not enjoying anything. Tomorrow I'm going to concentrate on what I do well -- and shine the rest.

I hear you, everybody. fishrrshortae, my last BF ditched me before I even realized it. When we were still dating, if he mentioned me at all to people, I was just "a friend." Then later he'd lie and say he "didn't realize" he'd called me that. I really hope his bad karma's started kicking in BIG time. Anyway - I wouldn't give up. I know it's hard to keep hoping, especially if someone you like just ISN'T responding. Heh, I've got one of those guys right now. We're pretty compatible, but every chance I give him to get to know me, he does absolutely nothing. In fact, he retreats! I'm not wasting my time on him, but it still hurts because it starts feeling like my options are limited.

I would only add a note of caution to the encouraging posts above, SuzieB. I did date a guy who was 7 years younger, and in the end (after a couple of years), he dumped me because I was "too old" for him. If you're hoping to settle down sometime, then I would give the new bf some time -- but not too much time -- to figure out whether he wants to be with you in the long run. If he's unsure in a year or so, I'd move on. That's true of any relationship, not just one with a younger guy, btw. Good luck!

Yup, it's true, RC. You never know where your good friends are going to come from! So I e-mailed him back and let him know that IF he meant to go out as friends, I'd enjoy hanging out with him. But if it's a date, I would have to pass. I asked him to let me know if he still wants to go out as friends. I think I was as kind, compassionate and honest as I possibly could be. patting self on back Thanks again for your help and advice!

You guys are completely awesome. Thanks for responding so fast, I really appreciate it. I definitely don't want to hurt this guy, so it sounds like being clear and upfront -- as gently as possible -- is the best approach. The dating 'waters' are so tricky to navigate aren't they? It's easy to create hard feelings by being unclear. As I've grown older I've started feeling more comfortable just talking with guys one-on-one, but I guess I need to be aware that it might encourage someone's expectations if I'm not careful. Thanks again.

I just got asked out and I don't know if I should say yes. He's a nice guy, and I wouldn't mind hanging out with him as a friend (which we've never done), but I do NOT want to get his expectations up. For a couple of reasons, I don't see us ever getting together. We don't have any chemistry, for one thing. Should I e-mail him back and tell him no? Should I say yes, but tell him I only think about us as friends? Should I ask him if he means this to be a date, or if he's just wanting to hang out? Advice please! THANKS!

Hi ariyadhana! For what it's worth, I completely relate to where you're at and how you're feeling. I used to act the same way, because I felt this tremendous need to be heard and understood and accepted (as do we all). You've gotten some great advice here from everyone already. I'll just tell you my own experience - that a few understanding friends did help me grow. They were patient the umpteen times when I called and had to talk and talk about emotional stuff. Also, trusting a higher power (GOD) as awesomejourney talked about also has been invaluable. When it seems like no one on earth cares, it's reassuring to me that God does love me - and always has. Everyone has a need to vent and ask for comfort. Nowadays, I'm more understanding of others when I do it, though. I think of specifically what I'd like from that person, and I ask for it. I don't hope that by calling up and talking their ear off they'll somehow "fix it and make everything better" for me. Sometimes I want a listening ear, other times advice. Sometimes I want someone who will understand. I've also learned to go to different friends for different things. One friend is an angel at sympathizing. Another offers strong words of advice (usually wise). Another gives encouragement. So in some sense, I am taking responsibility for myself by deciding what I need, and who to ask for it. And I trust that I can and will learn how to persevere through those tough times when I am afraid I might fall apart. I learn to distract myself by journaling, exercising, reading a funny book, doing art or going to see a movie. I do things to help detach myself from the drama and emotional intensity, so I can think more logically about things later and try to solve the problem, rather than get consumed by it. Take care. Hope this helps some.

Blueangel, you are wise beyond your years. I hear what you're saying, and I'm taking it to heart. Thank you for sharing with me.

Thanks guys -- Mr-Kipling, SuperDuper, Talo. I appreciate your answering me. I've been thinking about your advice and feedback. I think part of what bothers me is that I really value communication - not only to say what I need to say, but to have it considered and responded to. When I try and fail in that way, but someone else succeeds, it's frustrating and baffling. That being said, it seems like I have too high an expectation of it happening. You're right, SuperDuper, I can't control anyone else. Even if someone is ignoring me intentionally, there's not much to be done to *make* the person communicate with me. Instead, I can decide to be thankful when people DO take the time to respond to me. There are probably a dozen reasons why some people get responses and others don't, but I don't suppose that matters all that much. I could improve my communication skills, but changing my attitude will be more helpful now and in the long run. Thanks again.

There's this one area of my life I'm trying to change, but I don't know how to. I'm bothered by little things - mostly interactions with people. I don't know if I need to learn to go with the flow or be more assertive or what. Or maybe I just need more attention in my life. lol. This may sound stupid, but for example when I'm in a group and offer a suggestion and people ignore me or don't respond directly to me, it really bugs me. It happens in real life and on the Internet too. Sometimes I even address a person one-on-one in a group, and they don't respond to me. I feel dissed. A similar situation that bothers me is when someone thinks of themselves and not me or others. Like I'm in this singing group and there's a gal who is not even a regular member and she just asked to sing the solo on the best song. I just thought it was rude - like, didn't she think anyone else might want it? That puts me in a bad spot, because if I say, "Oh, no, I wanted to sing it" it'll create conflict. I think what also bugs me is that other people don't notice. If I don't say anything, everyone else will just give the solo to Jenny. Part of why this bothers me is I'm a very detail oriented person and I notice this stuff happening. Does this type of thing bother anyone else? Or anyone have some advice? Thanks. I could use the help!

Nothing wrong with letting go of "toxic" friends. If you're tired of the friend showing up at your door, then the next time tell him you can't talk right now, then close the door. Better yet, if you know when he's going to show up, just go out somewhere for awhile. (That's if you enjoy going out anyway, which I do.) I agree with everyone else about taking classes to make new friends. Something interactive.

Andy, sorry about your breakup. I've been there and it does really hurt and take time to get over, especially since you truly loved and cared for her. I think you don't sound ready to see her again. You still want her back. In fact, the idea that you're wondering what she thinks about you still shows you're attached to her. I have to believe that the dumper does hurt a bit, but since there was some reason for the break-up in the first place, that means the dumper was pretty much ready to move on at that point. That's the harsh fact, and it was true when my ex dumped me. People generally don't break up with their bfs/gfs if they're conflicted about it in some way, imho. In fact, some try to get their bfs/gfs to break up with *them* to save them the trouble. All this being said, though, I might suggest two things. One, decide what kind of things you'll say and do if you should run into her. It helps to be prepared. I'd advise keeping it simple, like - "Hey how are you. Yes, i'm doing fine. I'm doing ____ now. Well it was good to see you. Bye." Second, you might ask your friends whether your ex is actually at your old hang outs. Because if she ISN'T, then you can go back to them. I don't think you should make a big deal out of avoiding her, because that actually keeps her in your life, if you know what I mean. (It leaves you thinking about her.) Hope some of this helps. Hang in there, bro.

Yup, I agree with BellaDonna. You're in an explosive situation, and the best thing for you to do is to cut all ties with Sam. Joe and Sam can stay friends and go out together, but since you "love" Sam and are attracted to her, there's no middle ground for you. Stay away from her. I was in a similar situation, but I was Joe. Actually, it killed me to know that my best friend had a thing for my bf. Women expect their friendships with other women to be "safe," like sisters. They are our strength. Please do not jeopardize that for Joe, even though she may seem not too upset about what you told her. The grass is always greener, because we don't know exactly what's on the other side. If what you have with Joe is stable, enjoyable, fulfilling, exciting - stay with her. Judge relationships on their own merits, not comparing them like bananas in the grocery store. Anyone who is attracted to two people at once can be tempted to think about the person they AREN'T dating as the "forbidden fruit." I think that's usually just a deception though. Also, I don't know of many women who would EVER go out with their best friend's ex-bf. That's a real violation of trust. Hope that helps.

A lot of this probably does stem from your age gap. She's young and wants to be free to do develop her identity, which is what she's doing through flirting with men (yes, that's online flirting). I dated a younger man for awhile and his need to "develop himself" always came before our relationship. I finally realized that we weren't in a healthy relationship and got the heck out. Your situation will probably go on for a least a couple of years, because she's going to put her needs before yours. You have to ask yourself if that's what you want.

I hear your rant and I been there too. Ya get off work and look forward to relaxing then something goes wrong and bammo, your mood plunges. Someone should have clued you in when you sat down. I would have done that for someone just arriving. It's just common courtesy. I mean they were only playing a game right? Not like they were defusing a bomb together - lol. I hope you stay nice, though. The world doesn't need any more jerks.

Amen! Double amen! About inflexibility: The amazing thing is that people don't realize how flexible their partners/dates/friends are being a lot of the time. When someone finally pipes up to say, "Hey, this is an issue for me," it's usually not because it only happened once. It probably happened 20 times and the person kept excusing it until they finally couldn't take it anymore. They might even have been bringing up the issue in subtle ways that were ignored by the other person.

Eh, that's good news! Sorry to hear she wasn't free to grab a bite, but unless she's completely dense, she should know that you're open to hanging out in the future with her. I think it's good to take it slow and be her friend. I'd say many girls need to feel they can trust the guy before going out with him. So just be someone she can trust. Be yourself.