Celadon

Yeah, that's totally what I felt like saying. I mean, I DO want her there because our "group" hasn't hung out together, all of us, in awhile. But I guess if she doesn't see that as a reason to come, then ... whatever! Best thing to do is like BBH said, just go have fun anyway with the other people. Anyway, thanks for understanding ...

I too have been hurt and thereforeeee unsure of whether a man's "I love you" is sincere. But I agree that he deserves your trust until/unless proven otherwise. Meaning, if he tries to get you to have sex with him, then he's not respecting your wishes and THAT'S a problem. But if he continues to behave honorably toward you, then consider yourself fortunate -- you've found yourself a gem of a guy!

So this is going to be a small rant. Don't you just hate it when you take the initiative to get people together to hang out, and one friend -- instead of being like, "hey great, thanks!" -- plays 20 questions with you? Argh, so irritating! I had already sketched out the basic plan of what we would/could do. Eh, she probably doesn't want to come, but if that's the case, she should just say so. No need to make me hold her hand and convince her to come to something that's just supposed to be a casual get together anyway. Waaay to much work. Geez...! *rolling eyes* (End rant. )

*mini hijack* Funny, but my ex-bf did that once and I cursed him. LOL. I REALLY wanted my sleep. Prolly explains why he became my ex... *end hijack*

Thanks, teddybear. I appreciate your advice. I hadn't really thought about the dynamics, but yeah, maybe that's why things are confusing. Basically, I do know her from before. She's never been a superclose friend, but she's a friend. My hanging out with him is a recent thing because she doesn't hang out with "the group" anymore, and he does. I'd say my friendship level with both of them is about the same. I don't know that I'd ever go out with him. It's a remote possibility, but only if he were able to treat me properly. (And of course if he were available.) The other thing (just thinking out loud here) is that I don't want to tell her as though it's a big deal. You know, it would be awkward to say, "OK, Jane. Have a seat. I have to tell you something..." LOL. Well, maybe the opportunity will come up to tell her in a less ominous sounding way. I do think I'll tell her, though. Thanks again!

I'm just coming into the situation now, so I don't know any of your background. But if there are two girls you like, I'd suggest you move forward with one of them. It's better than a year of doing nothing. I know that you are worried about the consequences, but it's better to be true to your interests and then be able to say, "Well, at least I tried," than to never do anything and wonder, "What if...?" Everyone will have crushes on other people. I think that's perfectly normal. Nothing to be ashamed about. I would be surprised if other people didn't understand that. And heloladies21 is right. Your feelings of jealousy will continue until you know you've done what you could. Keep your chin up!

Sorry to hear you're unhappy, Princess18. What are the terms of your work contract? Are you supposed to be available to the family at all hours of every day, or do you get time off? Are you currently getting the appropriate amount of hours off per week that you're entitled to? I agree with the other posters, who talk about making a suggestion to your boss on how to improve the situation. That is always helpful.

teddybear, I do understand. You make a good point. When we risk being vulnerable with someone, and then that someone decides the relationship isn't what he/she wants ... well ... that's nothing short of devastating. Heck, I still have flashbacks to bad times with my ex, so I understand that even when we try to put it behind us, it can come back to haunt us. I guess the reason I said "bitter" was that some people DO try to let go, and others seem to stew. My friend is someone who holds grudges and tries to get you to agree with her on how horrible someone is. Anyway, before I get into more hot water talking about that ( I'll answer your question. Her ex basically didn't stand up for her when it came to his family. He was a mama's boy, and "mama" didn't particularly like my friend. Except for that one issue, my friend once admitted her ex was a good person. Personally, I don't think he's a saint, but he's been kind to me a few times, and I've appreciated that. No one's perfect, right?

Thanks for your replies, everyone. How bitter is she? Oh, I don't know. She gets all worked up if she knows he MIGHT be at the same event as her. And she sometimes asks about him in a sorta gossippy way. I thought she was feeling better about things awhile ago, but recently she broke up with her current bf, so I think she's back to blaming her ex. Part of me wants to avoid the whole conversation, because I just figure she "should" be over him, and thereforeeee my hanging out with him "shouldn't" be a big deal. I don't know if that's right, but that's how I feel!!

Could use some opinions on a situation I'm in! Basically, I have a friend who still feels bitter toward her ex, even though they broke up about three years ago. Lately, I've been hanging out with her ex (as a friend, and usually in a group). He's got a girlfriend anyway. I don't know if I should (1) HIDE this fact from my friend; or (2) TELL her if she asks; or (3) TELL her even if she doesn't ask. I want to be sensitive to her. I don't know how I'd feel if my friend were hanging out with my ex. It's not going to change what I do; I'll still hang out with him. I just have a hunch (and I could be totally wrong) that she might suspect anyway. Thanks!

Thanks for your thoughts, Ailec, Andy, BWF, Sally. Glad to know I'm not alone!

Well, what I've noticed is that whenever this woman talks, my world feels like it shrinks. Nobody's THAT interesting. I agree that she probably feels insecure and tries very hard to be "interesting." Unfortunately, she's just not...at least to me.

Sometimes it depends on both people's moods too. I have a friend who is sometimes independent, sometimes clingy. So we click sometimes, and other times it's like we don't have much of any depth to say to each other. Maybe this person won't be your best friend, but you can still have a good friendship.

A woman in my circle of friends is a non-stop talker. And 90 percent of the time, she's talking about herself. It irritates the heck outta me, plus I find her boring. My problem is that I seem to be in the minority. Other people put up with her fine. So when we're in a group, and she starts yakking, others listen. I need to be able to get a word in edgewise or at least listen to something interesting in order to stay engaged in the conversation. Lately I've been allowing myself to mentally check out of the discussion, which I know is rude, but I can't help it. I'll stare off in space. I'll fiddle with things or try to daydream. I've tried redirecting the conversation, but you can only do that so many times -- especially when others in the group appear to be listening, at least politely. I don't know what else to do to keep my sanity around this woman. There's no chance either she or I will be leaving our circle of friends. Any suggestions???

*raising hand* Been there, done that! It stinks for a couple of reasons. One, I don't want to be there -- too loud, too boring. Two, I hate other people looking at me like I'm a dud. Yeah, you could get yourself hyped up on caffeine; that might help. Or ... you can write off nightclubs entirely and spend your time doing something YOU enjoy!

So you're considerate of the girl, and her bf's not. I admire your instinct and manners. His leave a lot to be desired. Yes, it would've been kind of you to help her out, especially since he seems clueless and she mistakenly put herself in a bad situation ... but I don't think you HAD to rescue her. It was completely your call, based on how you felt at the time. Sometimes these kinds of incidents catch us off guard. If anything, I'd suggest you decide for yourself what you'd do if a similar type of situation came up again. Then you can jump into action without having to think so much.

Thanks, BetterKarma. (Cute avatar, btw!) I'm glad to know I'm not alone. I can't stand this guy's need to gossip and create drama (at least in his mind, and with people who gossip in order to feel "in"). I'd so much rather be uplifted by positive stuff, conversation, etc. We'd all be so much happier, and it'd be so much simpler, just to spend time working instead of trying to create conflict. I do have headphones, so that's a great idea - tune him out!

I wanted to see what everyone's take on this is ... One of my managers, a guy, constantly talks about the things going on at work in terms of personal conflict. If a decision is made involving someone he says, "Boy is So-and-So gonna be pissed when he finds out." Or the boss will ask him for some work, and he'll say, "I know exactly what's going to happen. I'm gonna do it, then there'll be something wrong and I'll get blamed for it." He frequently goes on long sarcastic diatribes about how "put upon" he is by anyone in authority at the company. And not just authority figures. The other day he got an e-mail from another co-worker, asking for something. He said, "I don't like her. She has weird ideas." Why does he do this??? It's really a drag to listen to him yammer on and on. It's like he's trying to make everything into a soap opera. Unfortunately, I sit near him, so I get it all day long. And I do mean "long." It feels that way by the time 5 p.m. rolls around. Any insight? Advice? Thanks.

Hey Emotional, I hope things get worked out with your best friend. It's true that you must be a friend to have friends ... but as I like to say, THEY have to be a friend (to me) for ME to be a friend, too! alone2much, you sound like me. lol. Always trying to patch things up with other people, even though they were the ones to mess up in the first place. So I hear ya!! I think you did right by sending the letter. You need to say what you need to say. I've been a doormat myself, and so I am always happy to see people taking a stand for themselves. Yeah! If she is a true friend, she will apologize to you. If not then ... "eh." I have a friend like that, and I think she's finally used up her last brownie point she ever had with me. She just isn't available. It seems like just about EVERYTHING is more important than hanging out with me. I really like her a lot as a person, but a friend needs some minimal level of commitment to actually spending time with you! Anyway, about making friends in your 30s. It's possible. It's easier in a bigger city than a smaller town, of course, but you can meet people and become good friends. Remember, although some people are "set" in their friendships, many are either open to new friends, or they are new to the area and looking for friends. I keep telling myself that too.

Good luck with that, AnotherChick!

So this is what happened. I talked to Fred, and as I suspected, he was no longer working on the project. What happened was that Joe showed him his solution, and Fred thought "oh, okay." (Fred is very easy going.) Of course, no one told me. Rather than make a big stink out of it, I simply asked Fred to continue working on the project anyway; we may be able to use both ideas. He said he would. As I have thought about this more, I've decided it doesn't benefit me at this point to make a big deal out of Joe's actions. However, I'm still pretty mad about it, because I feel boxed in. Only thing is, I'm afraid if were to say something now, it would backfire. at the same time, I don't want him to think he can pull this again -- getting people to rally to his side so that he "wins." I do believe completely that Joe has been devious, mostly out of self-interest. If you have any suggestions of how I can act from here on out with Joe, I'd appreciate it. I'm mostly going to try to not work with him again. This week, I have pretty much limited my contact with him. Still, it feels awkward.

Hi Chinooka. I think it was a reasonable idea. Joe said he thought no one can do it, but Fred thought it would work just fine. I actually think Joe wants credit for the solution -- he doesn't want anyone else involved. As far as I can tell, it's an ego thing for him. I'd rather explore ideas rather than eliminate them before even trying them.

Thanks, you guys. It's really helpful to get your feedback. Yeah, Mac, as I read back what I wrote earlier, I'm like ... dang, I should sound way more p.o.'ed!! It's certainly how I feel. I just don't want to say something I'd regret later, since I have to work with this guy, and everyone else, after this project is over. But yeah, I am tempted to put some choice words in there!!! I hear what you're saying too, JJ. I totally don't want to stoop to his level. That's one thing I've been trying to learn in life -- how to NOT react to others, but rather learn what my own game is and play it. (It's a hard habit to break.) I liked what you said about holding back the project, instead of holding back "me." If I make this personal, it gets personal, and then I'm open to gossip and politics. But if I make this about the project, then I don't cause an all-out war by yelling at him for what he did, which he'd hold against me. I don't want to burn bridges. I DO want it clear that he shouldn't mess with me, though. [-X About the underlying friction, Mac, well ... "Joe" hasn't been the easiest person to work. He's basically high-maintenance, and I don't always have the time or desire to pay attention to him. ...He's not someone I'd voluntarily hang out with after work, let's put it that way. But he's someone I HAVE to work with. So I need to figure out how to handle him. So I guess we'll see what happens when I get to work tomorrow... Thanks again!

There's a situation at my workplace that has gotten me a bit emotional, and I'm not sure if I'm handling it right. Can you guys give me feedback and advice? I work collaboratively on a team. A co-worker (Joe) and I needed to come up with a solution to a problem. So last week, we came up with an idea, but he said, "I don't think anyone could make that work." I said, "Well, we don't know if we don't try, so I'll ask Fred for help." Joe wasn't satisfied with that, so he came up with his own solution. I'm okay with trying out multiple solutions, so I let him do his own thing. On Friday, I overheard Joe talking with Fred, and I am not entirely sure, but I suspect that Joe was telling Fred NOT to work on the first idea. If Joe did this, then he completely went behind my back AND he lied to Fred. This is completely unacceptable to me. I want to be prepared if the sh*t does hit the fan. I am planning to ask Fred either Monday or Tuesday about the status of the project. If Fred says, "Oh, Joe told me not to work on it" then I will confront Joe. This is what I would say: "Joe, I'm really disappointed to hear you went behind my back and told Fred to stop working on the idea. I think that's really disrespectful of you. I want to work as a team, but on my team, members talk directly with one another if there's a disagreement. I'd appreciate it if you would do so in the future." I'm really not big on conflict (basically, I usually avoid it), but I need to mark out my boundaries at work, or else Joe and everyone else will walk all over me. Does what I plan to say sound like it would be effective? Would you change it at all? I really want to be prepared because if I'm not, I'm probably going to end up shouting obscenities at him. Thanks!

I hate it when people lie to make it seem like they're doing more or contributing more to the situation than they are. Hey, if you're going to indulge in being lazy, just do it. Don't lie about it, dude. I'm also annoyed when people would rather accept a limitation than explore IF what they want is do-able. I know someone who won't ask for salad dressing on the side of the salad, rather than on top of it, because she is afraid the waiter will say "no" and then she'll be embarrassed. I don't understand the purpose of limiting yourself without any effort whatsoever.