Celadon

A quick reply now, more later. I think that's a really good point. Take myself out of the picture and simply inform people what the policies of the company are and that they are expected to meet them. I can be "human" from time to time, but it's not the basis on which I should be acting. Thanks for bringing that to my attention!

Great point, Batya, Syrix. Thanks for pointing that out.

Thanks, syrix. She asks permission, but in a sort of "I'm doing this, is that okay?" sort of way. I think I need to be more deliberate in answering her. Maybe it would help for me to talk my decision through out loud, so she knows what the issues are and the impact of her request. BTW, how do you advise gaining respect from my employees? I'm trying to be fair, and decisive, and to stand up to people when they are rude. Beyond that, I'm not sure what else is helpful to inspiring respect... Got ideas? I'mThatGirl, I think she does know, but she has an overriding desire to see her boyfried - clearly! I think when that happens, it's easy for her to "excuse" her own behavior, to minimize (in her mind) what the impact is of what she's doing. I guess I should tactfully try to show her when she's causing problems.

Lady Bugg, Ta_ree_saw, Annie -- you guys are great. Thanks for your advice. That's a really good point. I'm sure I'm fearful of something, which is making it hard for me to decide what to do in each instance. I guess if I could think about that -- fear -- and get to the root of it, that might help. True, true and true! I didn't really think of it as my being the company's representative, but you're right - that's my job! In this case, her work quality isn't consistent; that's a challenge. It's not always great, and not always bad. But I guess I need to address problems instance by instance, so hopefully it'll become more consistent. We are somewhat deadline driven in my line of work. Being on time sure helps. Work CAN be done at other times, but it creates a complication that doesn't need to be there, imho. I like to keep things verrrrrrry simple, probably too simple! Sometimes makes me wonder if I should really be a manager, to be honest!

For me, the hardest thing about being a manager is knowing when to be flexible and when to put my foot down. I'm starting to take on more responsibility, so I have more people reporting to me now. My being unsure of when someone's request is reasonable and when they're basically just taking advantage of me is starting to drive me nuts. I'm willing to be flexible and all. But for example, one employee is in a long-distance relationship, and she drives to see her boyfriend one night during the week. This makes her late for work the next day, but she makes up the hours another day. (She's not the greatest employee either. She just does an okay job.) I don't like it, but I also am trying to be human. I'm a very structured person, so if I were to have everything the way I want it, she and everyone would come in at exactly the same time every day. I've got other examples, one in particular, about someone who tries to do things his way, which I find frustrating. I don't know where to draw the line between insisting people do things my way and letting them do things their way -- without allowing them to take advantage of me or the situation. Anyone got advice? Thanks!

Thanks, chai714, blender -- both for your insight and for not telling me to simply suck it up. I hear what you're saying, and I appreciate it. Guess I've mistakenly thought that the best thing I could give to people is "realness" -- or taking things and life seriously and meeting people at that level. But I see that people don't all work that way. Maybe that's something that I look for and respect, but everyone's different and that's what's so great about this world. The idea of happiness as a magnet ... almost like a social skill .... That makes sense. Everyone wants to be with someone who will improve their mood, not drag them down. And everyone wants to sense that the other person really WANTS to have a relationship with them. Not just "I'll talk to you because we're both standing here" or whatever. (Of course, I'm not that bad , but it's true, sometimes I make small talk rather than really focusing in on someone and communicating to them that "I want to get to know you.") Aww, you're so encouraging, blender! Now I feel all warm 'n' fuzzy inside. Hugs.

I have not read it. What's the gist? Is it about dating?

I don't know why, but I feel really irked today. Maybe I'm just feeling alone and rejected. Maybe I've been working too hard and playing too little. But sometimes, it just bothers me that certain people are popular and other people -- me, for example -- aren't. I know. It's a fact of life. Get over it. Sometimes it gets to me. What IS it that people like so much about the popular people? My roommate, for example, is -- put bluntly -- a spoiled, immature princess, and yet mutual friends of ours are always asking about her. I must have different values than other people or something. Or there's a guy at work who doesn't really do much, except he walks around joking and talking with people. Meanwhile other people, like me, are busting our rears off -- and our co-workers don't joke around with us. I try to have even a pleasant conversation and the person answers, "Yes." "No." The minute he comes up to them, they stop what they're doing, break out into big smiles, etc. To me, being a responsible person, someone others can count on, someone who thinks of others' needs and not only her own -- that's, like, a good friend. But those aren't usually the popular people. So clearly there's something I'm not getting here. ](*,) Really, I know I'm throwing a little pity party here. But I'm hoping for some perspective and a way to stop feeling worked up over this. Thoughts? Thanks.

Thanks for replying. What is it you do a lot -- email people, or ... ?

I've written about this friendship before, but this weekend I ran into another "situation" with this guy, and I don't know what to make of it. Short version: This guy and I were acquaintances and I could tell he was interested, but I wasn't because he seemed very clingy. He dropped me as a friend for awhile, then started dating someone and recently married her. No problem. This weekend I asked him for help with something; he helped me out. We spent a couple hours hanging out afterwards with another friend. Now in the last 12 hours he's emailed me three times! Even though he's married, it seems like he still wants to have a close relationship with me. I'm getting freaked out. Anyone got insight or advice? Thanks.

Interesting thread. So here's what I want to know: When a guy looks at a woman, is that 1. Looking, as though he's looking at a great painting or sports car --or -- 2. Looking, as in "I'm imagining what it must be like to feel her up"? I'm not talking about gawking, which is obvious what's going on in his head. I mean that 10 to 15 second "looking" that supposedly all guys do. So which is it?

Hm, yeah, he does have some issues that could stem from his family. That's a good guess. His dad left him and his mom when he was little. He never mentions his dad, so I don't know if they've been in contact since.

I've got a friend who always wants to be seen as "the hero," and I don't know what to do, if anything. By "hero" I mean, he tries sooooooo hard to give to people, but not in a humble behind-the-scenes way -- more like, "I will do this for you and I realllly want you to appreciate me." Yeah, I think he has low self-esteem. Recently I've asked him to help me move some furniture and he's obsessively throwing himself into the task (planning for it). Really, I feel like it's too much, and it's a little uncomfortable. I appreciate his willingness to help, of course. It's just that he's starting to make such a big deal out of something very simple. Besides NOT asking him to help me in the future, I don't know what else to do. Eh, it's just a weird situation.

Wow these are great tips everybody! I thought maybe I was the only one who dealt with this situation, but I'm glad I'm not. (Thanks, enotalone! ) I appreciate hearing from those of you who are successful in this area, too, to help me see what's going on. I realize I do "fade" at the ends of sentences, so I'll watch for that. And I've been a good listener in the past, but I think speaking takes different skills that I need to develop. I'm going to start trying out some of the things everyone's suggested here. Thanks again!!

Anyone else deal with this? I have the worst sense of timing in group conversations. You know how sometimes everyone's talking at once and people just jump in? I need some advice on when to jump in. Seriously! Maybe I shouldn't think so hard, but I end up interrupting people when they're still finishing a thought, or waiting too long and someone else jumps in. I can't figure it out! It's like someone will say something and I'll want to jump in right then, but I don't because they're still talking, so then I try to hold on to that thought, but then the opportunity passes to say it because the conversation moves to a different topic. I can always say, "Well, back to what you said earlier," but it seems to stop the flow of the conversation. A second question I have is ... how do you speak so that other people really listen to you? I notice that some people start speaking and they have the floor. No one dares interrupt them. When I speak, it seems like the moment I pause for a millisecond, someone else jumps right in. Help. I'd really like to figure out this whole group conversation thing. Any advice welcome. Thanks!

Thanks for the replies, everyone. All fair points, and of course women gravitate towards good-looking men too. I'd respectively argue that the degree is different though between men and women, at least judging from the comments of my men and women friends -- and how the first criteria the guys have is whether she's pretty. Yeah, maybe I need new friends as someone said, but I have to believe they're not THAT unusual in their opinions. And sure, shallowness runs rampant in our world. No argument there! You said that so well, Juliana! It's the weird feeling knowing the main reason the person's interested in you is because of something like looks, and that the reason appears to be good enough to them for you two to have a relationship.

Hi, I've got a question for other women out there. I hope it doesn't sound too odd, but I thought I'd ask anyway. Does anyone besides me sometimes feel uncomfortable knowing that guys are so "looks" oriented? I grew up pretty plain-looking, although my looks improved after high school. Maybe because my appearance never was that big of an issue for me (either negative or positive), I just haven't thought that much about it. But I have a friend who is not that pretty (according to standard Western culture) and she's fairly bitter that men won't give her a chance, despite her being a wonderful and talented person. I just came back from yet another wedding in which the best man told the groom how lucky he was because his wife was beautiful. That was the first quality the best man mentioned: She's beautiful. Not, "You're a lucky man, because she is so caring - or - because she's a wonderful person." I mean, you rarely hear the maid of honor giving a toast in which she says, "Jill, you're such a lucky woman because John is SO handsome!" Even if he *were*. So I don't know where I'm going with this post exactly, other than to say it sometimes makes me uncomfortable knowing that the main reason a guy is showing interest in me (as opposed to my friend) is because of my looks. It seems so ... unrelated to who I am inside, as a person. Anyone out there know what I mean?

Yeah, don't go to sleep angry - - that's my style too, CPR. And I understand the frustration about him wanting his needs taken care of, but screw yours. If a guy doesn't fight fair, I have no use for him. If I bring it to his attention and he doesn't give a damn, then I've got my answer. My ex wanted to do things his way all the time. Then when I'd ask to do something I wanted to do, he'd pout and throw a tantrum. I can still hear him now: "How come we always do what YOU want to do?" Believe me, some men -- or rather, boys -- you are BETTER OFF without.

Okay, I think I understand what you're both saying. I agree totally that his wife is his first priority now; I would expect that! But you're saying that even though he IS married, he could still be carrying around an old wound. Hm, I never thought about it like that. No no, I wouldn't think of cheating with him. And I'm willing to accept that we might not be good friends anymore either (I know marriage changes things). It just threw me off to get the cold shoulder from him today because I started wondering what I'd done, and why he's mad at me, and what was going on. I really thought things would be fine, no problem between him and me.

Ohh, so sorry to hear that, CharmedPhoenixRising. That's really low of him to end your relationship throught TXT messaging. If that's all the respect he can muster for someone who cares for him, then I think you're better off without him. (I'm sorry, I know maybe you don't want to hear that right now, but I think you deserve better than that.) Take care of yourself for now. Treat yourself well and try to keep busy, so your mind doesn't think about it. Go hang out with girlfriends. I've been there, and it's no picnic, but after a little bit, you'll find yourself feeling better. Ya just gotta get through this break-up phase first. Hang in there!

Starlight, my heart goes out to you. Your husband is not treating you with respect, so your reaction is understandable. I don't think you need to prove anything about whether he slept with this woman or whatever (hope I'm understanding you right). The more important issue is that his behavior towards you needs to change. It may make him feel better to put you down, but that is not acceptable. I would look up the number for a domestic violence shelter in your area and try to talk with a counselor. You didn't say he is hitting you or anything, but the way he talks with you is verbal abuse. I encourage you to get some advice and counsel. If you treat him well, and he treats you poorly, then it is he who is not good enough for you.

Don't you just hate it when there are weird, unexplained reactions between you and someone? I just wish I knew what they were about sometimes. My brief story: This afternoon I went to a get-together and a guy I knew, who recently got married, was there with his wife. He and I sort of -- but didn't exactly -- have history together; he wanted to date me a few years back, but I didn't want to date him. There was some chemistry but I found him immature in a number of ways. So that was that. Fast forward to this year. He met someone and got engaged, and we became friends again. I thought there were no hard feelings, but I wasn't invited to his wedding. Today I arrive at the party and I get a definite "I'm ignoring you" vibe from the guy. I think this is WEIRD because, hey, he's married. There's no reason to diss me. Does he think I'm jealous? I've given him no reason to think that. What the he** is going on here? I don't expect to be all tight with him, but eye contact or a civil hello would've been nice. Anybody got an idea? Thanks.

OK, thanks everybody! I emailed him back and ... decided to say nothing about it. I answered another question he had and that was it. I was ALMOST going to get into the "why are you sorry?" bit, but I re-read his email and he'd actually already said why (because he thought maybe I wanted to spend time with my friends without others there). Yeah, thinking of what else to say to him just got too complicated. His "apology" was just trying too hard, and in the end, it seemed best to just let it die a natural death. lol.

Haha, very funny. Well, your e-mail made me think I could make light of the situation. Maybe something like, "Dude, do you apologize every time you're invited to a party? That could get to be a drag, don't you think?" Slightlybent, he did ask me another question that I have to respond to. So I just wasn't sure whether to ignore the whole "sorry for partying with you" thing or come up with something to say....