Celadon

Thanks for sharing that, MissTee. Maybe I'm just thinking that the grass is greener on the other side. But tell me, in your opinion does it *SEEM* that people with social skills are generally treated with greater trust and given the benefit of the doubt more than people with not-so-good social skills? Because that's what it feels like to me. I could be perceiving this wrong, of course.

Thanks to you both for your replies. Sorry to hear your life hasn't been easy, TheRedQueen -- although I hope at least it's been good. somebloke, yeah, you're right about social skills actually being a varied set of skills. That makes me think about what particular skills I mean. I guess there's a certain way of behaving that projects a sense of "I'm having fun, I've got it all together, I've got friends who love me." At least, that's how it looks to me, being on the outside looking in, when I hear someone talking (for example) about how they're always having people over for dinner and what fun they all have and how So-and-so was teasing her about such-and-such. I don't perceive it as bragging, but it communicates to people how popular she is. Know what I mean?

I've got this weird, complex attitude toward social skills, and I wanted to talk about it with people here, maybe compare notes. I admire people who are good in social situations, but I'm also resentful of them. Social skills haven't come easily to me. I grew up shy, although I'm much more confident now. I guess I'm envious because they have what I'd like to have: the ability to get attention when you want it. Socially skilled people can grab people's attention in conversation, win others over to their side by being light hearted, steer the topics to what they want to talk about. Social skills are a definite asset. I almost wonder if people with good skills have had an easier life, at least in terms of making friends and feeling loved by others. Not to mention, they seem like they're having a lot of fun. At the same time that I admire all these things about social skills, I harbor resentment that I would need to improve my social skills in order to have this "automatic" acceptance from others. I don't know ... maybe I'm just proud and have an "If you don't like me the way I am, then who needs you?" sort of attitude. Anyone know what I mean? Just thought I'd open this topic up for discussion. Thanks.

Thanks, karvala. I didn't mean to be calculating, more like analytical. I'm a thinker, so I was trying to figure out if there was something wrong with my dating "impulses." Perhaps I don't trust my feelings enough; I'm scared my feelings will lead me (as they have in the past) to date a guy who I am infatuated with. Now *that* didn't turn out too well! I read a book that suggested people have a list of 10 qualities that are must-haves. They said any fewer than 10 would leave you not quite satisfied and more than 10 would be too picky. Do you guys think that's a good guideline? After reading everyone's replies, I'm realizing the underlying theme for me is respect. Do I respect this guy, in the sense of admiring him? I mean, I think you should show respect to everyone. It's more like, does he leave me thinking, "Hm, that's a really good way of looking at it." Or "Wow, that was really kind of him."

Sometimes I wonder if the reason I'm still single is because I want a guy who WOWS me. I'm starting to wonder -- to be perfectly honest about this -- if that's a shallow attitude... On the one hand, I'm looking for love, which is made up of loyalty, commitment, devotion, caring, etc. Those qualities in and of themselves aren't necessarily "sexy" traits. But they're key to a successful relationship. OTOH, I'm drawn to guys who are brilliant, or exceptionally witty, or good looking, or talented. (The more wow factors, the better. ) Recently a friend tried to date me, but although I have a fun time joking around with him, he doesn't wow me intellectually or in other ways. Am I being shallow? Am I missing out on true love? Or am I legitimately holding out for the best person for me? Does anyone ever wonder about this for themselves, or their friends?

It does really suck. I'm sorry she was suspicious of you when you didn't do anything wrong. Thanks for sharing your story, though. I'm reassured to hear that not all "looking" is actually looking. I'll definitely keep that in mind with my next relationship.

Thanks Jeffrey. I appreciate your reply and encouragement to give it a chance, then see what's what. Yes, I've come to realize that I want to marry for more than companionship (i.e., someone to watch TV with, talk about your day with, etc.), though there's nothing wrong with that. I want to be with someone I'm truly compatible with, who shares goals, who spurs me on to be a better person and vice versa. Someone with whom I feel there's a connection that goes beyond us being a nice man and a nice woman. I don't know; maybe that's foolhardy. But I figure there's a reason why we think some people are special, and others are just nice.

A man I know recently broke up with his girlfriend. He and I have been casual friends for a year or so. Now he's trying to get to know me, and next week we'll be getting together for dinner. I'm not sure how to handle this situation, because (a) I'm not really confident that we're a good match, although I'm open to testing the waters, and (b) we run in the same social circle, so I don't want to create bad feelings if dating each other doesn't work out. I'm thinking that it would be best to decide quickly if I think we have solid potential. If we go out for awhile and THEN it ends up we don't date exclusively, that would probably create awkwardness. Do you guys think so? Or do you think that deciding too quickly would cause one of us to feel like we weren't given a chance? I read a book that suggested identifying the top 10 qualities you're looking for in a mate, and then asking questions that reveal whether the person has those qualities. Not grilling the person, but at least bringing up the topics. I was thinking maybe I should try that. (BTW, I'm in the stage of life where I'm dating for marriage, not dating just to date.) Thanks!

OK, thanks everyone. I appreciate it. And, oh -- don't worry, I'm of legal age. Just not experienced.

Definitely call them back to express your interest. Sometimes if you don't hear from them, it just means they're busy. Or it might mean they're waiting to see if anyone "better" (maybe with credit) applies. But it doesn't hurt to express to them again how interested you are in the place. You can tell them how neat and clean you'll keep everything, and how respectful of neighbors you are. These are all qualities that are important to owners.

I don't have much experience with sex, so excuse this dumb but sincere question. I've heard there are a lot of different sexual positions, and I was wondering why. Does each position feel different?

Oh! One more thing I've learned, when dealing with people. When you feel hurt by the things people do, especially when they're motivated by selfishness, just tell yourself, "I am strong." You are strong. You are above their behavior. You are too valuable to get caught up in their actions. I think what sometimes happens with me is that I feel dissed by other people's actions, probably because there IS some dissing going on, or at least neglect or disregard. I end up feeling WEAK and ANGRY that someone is shi**ing all over me; er, so to speak. But when I stop and tell myself, "I am strong," I end up feeling more distant from the problem. And in my mind, their sad behavior ends up sticking to them where it belongs, not to me.

How long did they study the effects of meat from cloned animals? I've got to wonder about long-term effects of eating something that may have defects in it. There was an interesting article about the dog-breeding craze in Japan in the NY Times. They keep breeding and breeding these specialty dogs, and soon enough they're getting litters with one "good" dog and the rest deformed, missing limbs and such. If those unexpected results happen from selective breeding, I sort of wonder what havoc might be wreaked through cloning. I'd like to see more research into the safety of consuming cloned products. And labels should definitely be part of any approval.

Eh, sorry you had to go through that, kaligrl22. You ask what's wrong with him? Oh, the usual. Regret. Fear of abandonment. Being self-absorbed or completely insecure (those two are often solidly linked). Desperate stabs at manipulating the situation. Actually, he kind of worries me as he sounds completely unglued. About the whole marriage proposal thing -- that happened to a friend of mine too. She and the guy broke up, he immediately turned around and promised her marriage, even though he didn't mean it. Just a ploy to keep her, so he wouldn't be lonely. Geez.

Thanks you two. I really appreciate the advice. Hosswhispra, I do need to follow my heart. I feel like I'm entering this period of life where it's more important to follow instincts than to "perform to task" anyway. I hope I can navigate the waters this way.... MES, I'm glad I'm not the only one who has dealt with this. Sometimes it's tough to back off, but I like the priorities approach. I definitely don't believe it's worth it for me to go full speed ahead and then burn out. Been there, done that! Thanks!

I just have to comment in agreement that victimization is a very dangerous way of thinking. I see this thought pattern in a guy that I know who is otherwise very intelligent, funny, observant, generous and more. People who know him on the surface would say he's an all-around great guy. However, he is also controlling, and he expresses that in deciding in his mind how other people should behave. And when they don't behave as he deems is reasonable, he unleashes this fury that is waaaaay out of control. What he doesn't understand is that people are DIFFERENT from him. He may always be punctual, but other people aren't. Their lateness does not mean they hate him or are trying to mess with him. They just suffer from chronic tardiness. I'm not saying you're like that, Jeff. And anyway, heck knows I've felt that way before in certain situations. What I AM saying is that it's helpful to understand that other people are flawed. The professor probably is a terrible organizer. Just because he's good at academics doesn't mean he's got great personal habits. The woman who was raped may be a naturally suspicious person, distrustful of all people. Both of them may be awful at keeping in touch with anyone, not just you. I'd say, again, that if their lack of communication with you bothers you, turn your sights elsewhere. I like alfonselaca's suggestion of the blog. Cybercommunication is still communication, and forums like this or topic-oriented ones draw lots of interesting people. Good luck!

I sympathize with you, Jeff. Loneliness can be very painful, and so is rejection. I hope that you will find friends who value and cherish you, and about whom you feel the same. There's something fairly plain to see in reading your post. You have offered close friendship to these people; however, they are not reciprocating in kind. Who knows why? Too busy, maybe. Too many family obligations. Not feeling the same connection with you as you do with them, perhaps. There could be a dozen reasons. Reasons notwithstanding, you have but two options. Continue to hit your head against the wall trying to get them to reciprocate, or move on and befriend other people. I would suggest the latter. I've had friends drift away, and boy can that hurt. Suddenly they are too "busy." Well, so what? Are they the only people on this planet? No, they are not. You need to act for your own happiness' sake. Go and make new friends. Dwelling on ongoing hurts does nothing but bring you down. It accomplishes nothing. We cannot control other people, nor should we want to. We have a responsibility to find happiness for ourselves. If you try one path, and it is not fruitful, simply try another one. That's really how this life works.

I've pretty much always been a person with goals, whether at school, or while planning my career, or doing projects at work. And when I was younger, I had the luxury of being single-minded, focusing on just one or two things at a time, dropping everything else. Like if I was doing a work project, I wouldn't spend that much time with friends, or I'd let exercising completely fall by the wayside. Now my problem is that I want to set reasonable goals -- while also maintaining the rest of my life. I don't want to set "killer" goals anymore. I'm no longer into the thrill of being able to pull off something huge. I'm more into my sanity now. (LOL!) But I'm fighting my "old" self. For example, I was recently promoted and I want to do well in my new job. So I've got a whole long list of things I should probably do to become good in the new position. Well, I can't just suddenly start doing all of them, because then I wouldn't have any time left over to take care of myself or my life. So somehow, some way, I have to break these things down. That may sound simple, but there's a part of me that's afraid that if I don't try to meet all of the goals right away, I'm somehow going to be screwed. So how do you set reasonable goals for yourself, while allowing some things to be put on the back burner for awhile? I mean, how would you decide what to do first? And how do you trust that you won't be somehow bitten in the rear by the things you're not doing immediately? Thanks!

Hey there. I haven't been online for awhile, but just to let you know, I think we *will* end up firing her. She missed a whole day of work, no explanation except a tearful phone call in the afternoon. The only reason we didn't fire her on the spot is we've got too much else going on right now. Amazing that she hasn't gotten the concept of "when your bosses ask you to do something, you do it." Like, show up on time in the morning. It's crazy, I tell ya.

Yeah, we actually have a probation system. It's supposed to make people shape up in a hurry, and in fact, she's on probation. But clearly we're a lenient company in some ways. The hesitation with coming down hard is that if we fire her, we have to find someone to replace her. The last time we had a vacant position, it took months to find someone qualified who would work on what little the company pays. So it's not as though we have anyone waiting in the wings. In fact, we're short staffed right now as it is. What I'm learning is that some people, whether due to immaturity or other reasons, don't want to play ball. They just want to get by. Maybe it's a sense of entitlement. I don't know ... BTW, that's incredible that your employers wouldn't let the woman with appendicitis go to the hospital! Yikes!

OK, I'm back. So ... thanks to everyone for weighing in on this. You've got really great ideas and perspectives, and I think everyone's pointing out part of what is happening. I've started taking more of a "this is company policy" approach to work, and that's helped me to not get sucked into feeling like my employee's bad attitude is personal against me. Or that I'm failing because I can't get her to toe the line. So that's good. At the same time, I also am willing to take responsibility for our communication not being as good as it could be. Sometimes I do feel a bit at a loss of how to relate to her, since she's been a bit unpredictable and, quite honestly, sometimes disrespectful through her immature behavior. I'm hoping that I'll figure out a way to get through to her, but it might take time. I could come down hard on her, but I'm going to wait and see how things unfold over the next month. She has been trying to at least get her work done earlier than before, thus making herself a little more valuable at the company (and to me). Still, she turns in shoddy work sometimes, and she's not able to get in to work on time -- even on the days she's not commuting from her bf's city. So in a way, I'm still in limbo, but only because I'm trying to not take drastic action (ie. fire her). I don't think I let my position go to my head (at least, I hope not!). I just want to have a relaxed but productive workplace, where I don't have to deal with people's "issues" all the time. Let's just do the work, be proud of it, and then go home at night. That to me would be a no-brainer.

I think you're making the right decision. Not because it's impossible to get over an affair (although personally I'd have a very very hard time trusting after that). But more because everyone will swear to do better after a break up -- but I don't know if they actually follow through. I'm skeptical about whether people are capable of sustaining the change that they say they're going to make. Maybe for a month or two? Having an affair isn't a casual thing by any means. It's symptomatic of the deceit one person is willing to engage in, to get what they want. I'd rather have a partner who is willing to work with me to fix our relationship, not abandon me to get what he wants. Anyway. Time for your fresh start. Good luck to you!

Thanks for the reply, veneratio. Glad to know what someone's thinking!

Some people are like that. They'll say whatever the person wants to hear. It doesn't mean they're not sincere. More like, they don't really think there's a right or wrong. They just keep their true thoughts and feelings to themselves, and it leads people to believe whatever they want to believe. I'm not like that. I say it pretty much as I see it. So I totally understand how you feel. When some of my friends believed the best about my ex right after our break up (he told them this elaborate lie) and one "friend" even defended him, I wasn't happy. I dropped that friend like a hot potato. I draw the line when people don't support me, and she actually became condescending, telling me that I didn't understand the hopes and dreams of my ex-bf. (What BS!) On the flip side, though, I'm kind of in a situation that relates to yours. One of my friends (I'll call her Jill) broke up with her bf years ago. I didn't know him well at the time, but over the years, I've become friends with him. Because of Jill's temper, though, I don't say anything about her ex. I can see that this might be a problem for her, but I figure that whatever happened between them, it's not for me to judge. And I don't. I don't think he's perfect and I don't think she is either. I'm sure they are both "right" as far as what they say (or said) about each other. It's just that, it doesn't involve me, so I just try to be friends with both.

Hey kaligrl22, I'm only just now reading this thread, but I wanted to say that a good future is ahead of you. Being with a guy who won't commit is a drag; it just brings you further and further down. So now that he's no longer in the picture, you've got a fresh start! Hey, you're only 26 -- there's plenty of good men out there. Have fun dating!