Celadon

Keep it upbeat, yet casual. Think of her as a friend. Something like, "Hey, I was thinking of grabbing a drink at the cafe after class, just to chill. You doing anything? Wanna hang out for a bit?" If she hesitates, or doesn't know what to say, keep up your patter so that she doesn't feel put on the spot. Like, "This class always makes me thirsty - lol! etc, etc, etc." If she says she has to work, don't argue with her, it'll make you sound desperate. Just listen and agree with her. "Oh yeah, the bookstore. How's that going? What kinds of things do you do there?" (or whatever) Then if you think she's undecided about joining you (if she hasn't said no), ask her again in a lighthearted way. "So? Cafe? Something to wet yer whistle?" Always leave the "door" open. If she says no, just let her know you'll be there if she changes her mind. Some people say 'no' just because they're caught off guard and need time to think. Hope this helps. Just some thoughts ... good luck!

well if you're talking general stuff now, move to the more specific. learn more about her and share more about you - family, interests, hope & dreams, hobbies, etc. if there's a college event you want to go to, mention it to her and see if she is also interested in it. If she expresses interest, suggest you two go togehter. if she doesn't express interest, don't worry, just find another activity some other time.

I appreciate your replies - glad to know I'm at least somewhat normal. Thanks!

Thanks Abby. It's so tough to say something like that directly, and to be honest, with this guy, I did respond to him and only went half way to saying I only wanted to be acquaintances. Yeah. I know ... I basically told him I wasn't interested in long e-mail chats with him. He said he understood. I certainly didn't want to say anything negative about him or why I don't enjoy his company. That would have been hurtful. I just wanted him to know what I wanted/didn't want. If he starts flooding me with e-mails again, I'm not going to respond. We don't talk by phone ever, so hopefully this will work. We'll still see each other occasionally in a group setting, and I don't mind casually chatting. Will this hurt him more over the long run? I guess if he *really* doesn't get a clue or if he keeps trying to maintain contact (despite the fact that it gets him nowhere), then yeah. Then I'd be right back where I started ... but at least I'd already know what people's advice is!! And maybe I'd have more guts then...

Yes, that's a great point. People love funny stories. That helps to break the ice for sure. Not long, elaborate stories, just short funny things. Also, I've noticed that some people feel like deer in headlights when they have to answer direct questions, but they'll jump in if you carry the conversation. You'll be talking about something and they'll be like "oh yeah! I know what you mean. Same thing happened to me!" and then you can go "Oh yeah? What happened?" and, bam, they're telling you all about it. haha.

Well, lots of times it's hard because people want to marry perfection, not a real live human being with flaws and stuff. Dealing with the *real* person you married is the "work" part of marriage. It also takes a balancing act to maintain your identity while also maintaining the relationship. If one person becomes too selfish, it throws things off. Marriage fundamentally has to be rooted in wanting to share the other person's life, and have them share yours. Sure, you can have goals as a couple too, but mostly you have to make the time and effort to enjoy and respect your partner.

I think it's great that you're starting to take responsibility for your finances. Once you become fully independent, or even as you're getting there, you'll have a great sense of self-sufficiency. It will take time, though. Like, it may take a few years to get there, which would be a good transition period. The key to success will be to plan, plan, plan. Summer session at the college you're interested in? Great idea. I'd start by figuring out how much you'll need to work per week to get to your goal. To earn $5,400 in nine months, you'll need to bring home $600 a month (after taxes!!). That's $150 a week, or more like $225 a week, because you'll pay 1/3 of your salary to taxes. I don't know how much music pays, but a good entry-level retail job could get you $10/hour. So that's ... 22.5 hours a week of retail work. What do you think of that? If it seems like too much time spent working, consider striking a deal with your folks: If you can pay for HALF of next summer's session, would they pay the other half? I think that would be reasonable. Hope some of this helps!

I completely agree. I know what it's like to have a bf who is not that into you, and it hurts like you-know-what. Unfortunately, I don't think guys like that come around. I'm gonna be blunt here: Please, please, consider leaving him - for your sake and for the baby's sake. You deserve someone who will support you and treat you like a queen, not be "missing" some other chick. I mean, I'm pretty nearly outraged to hear this! Go to your gf's for support. Hopefully, they'll help you get clear of this guy. Take care.

I agree with easyguy. If you can prepare for the conversation, do that. Also, figure out what you two have in common. People talk more about things they are enthusiastic about, and conversation flows most naturally if both people are interested in it. Also try asking open ended questions, not ones that can be answered in "yes" or "no." Good ones are, like, "what kind of music do you like?" and then, "really? how did you get into them?" and "which song is your favorite?" and "what do you like about that one?" Then share your own likes and dislikes. On the other hand, if it just ain't happening over the phone, only use it to set up dates. Some people are too busy doing other stuff to talk on the phones. When they do answer the phone, they're totally distracted, or they're actually DOING something else. It can be challenging to get shy people to talk, but don't sweat it. It sounds like you're on the right path, since you have good talks in person. Good luck!

It's like, anything he hears about that has something to do with me, he'll e-mail me about. For example, if I'm talking with someone about running a marathon and he overhears it, he'll e-mail me and ask about that. I mean, he's obviously trying to be friendly, but it feels to me like we have different boundary lines. Even my best girl friends wouldn't email me about something they'd overheard me saying. MAYBE it would come up in face to face conversation, but even then ... Basically, I feel like he's trying to force something into happening that ain't happening, whether it's just friendship or something more. And yeah, I do feel uncomfortable with that... LOL, darkblue, about the "weird, semi-stalking guy" ...

I guess the vote is unanimous then! Yeahhhhhh... that's pretty much what I figured, I should tell him I don't have time for him. Being someone who runs from conflict like the plague, I needed the kick in the pants. Thanks, guys. 'Preciate it.

This is probably a no-brainer, but I thought I'd throw it out there anyway for advice. There's a guy I know who is an okay guy, but I don't enjoy his company all *that* much. We belong to the same volunteer group, so we've had some pretty interesting discussions about stuff that goes on there. But aside from that, we don't have much rapport in any other way. In fact, I get a little irritated with him sometimes. Unfortunately, it seems like he thinks we are really good friends. I already told him long time ago when we first met and got to know each other that I had no interest in him, dating-wise. But he keeps emailing me, chit-chatting about this and that. I stopped responding to him last week, but he keeps e-mailing me. I don't even talk to him much when I see him. It's getting awkward, because he's acting like we're good friends and I'm acting like we're not. I mean, we're acquaintances, and that's the level I'm happy with. Any thoughts/suggestions? Thanks.

^^Agree! About euphoria, I wonder if there's such a thing as euphoria addiction? Sort of like being hooked on instant gratification. If that's where most of one's satisfaction comes from, then life can indeed feel odd when those moments don't happen with as much frequency as before. For whatever reason, satisfaction in life seems to be rooted in different things as people age. Physical strength and feats offer an emotional high when we're young, but they may lose some appeal after a time. People start needing a more well-rounded life, or indeed, a life that is focused more in loving other people than achieving individual milestones. Just some thoughts!

I think I see what you're saying. You used to hang out with a different crowd, but you're different from them now after your accident. So it feels like starting all over again? I agree, that can be a lonely place. It's definitely a hard situation to be in. I havne't experienced that exactly - not so dramatic a change - but here's a thought: rather than focusing on the difficulties, maybe it would help to focus on the possibilities. What have you wanted to explore in life that you didn't before, because you or your friends didn't think it was cool? If you were a big partier before, what important things were you ignoring or not doing? The world's wide open to you, in a sense. When we have friends, they sorta define our lives. In some way, you have the freedom to do anything now - take that adventurous side of you and go for it! I can assure you that there will be other people out there doing the same thing. Sure, they'll be different from your old friends, but YOU're different from your old friends. If all else fails, I sometimes get myself to feel less lonely by realizing things can definitely be worse. Think of the people who are addicted to drugs for most of their lives, then they finally get a grip when they're sixty and realize with great regret that their lives haven't amounted to much. Or consider the people in Africa who are living in total poverty. Well ... hang in there.

^^ Agree! TheRock, I relate to what you're saying. I'm a bit older than you, and have experienced the same thing with friends. The friends who used to be close have drifted a bit - still friends, but I see them only on occasion. There's no one to turn to and just say, "HEY! What're you doing tonigth? Let's go see a movie." I also relate to the sense of feeling little "behinder" than everyone else. I struggle with it, but here are some things I've been trying to do lately: - Disregard time and the past. Thinking that you aren't as far along as others (in whatever dimensions you think of that concept) just doesn't help. We are where we're at. Period. All anybody has is today, anyway. Might as well get good at living a single day to its fullest. - Think of options, make life fun. Being single, it's easy to focus on things you can't/don't have. I don't have a spouse. I don't have someone affirming me. But instead of feeling trapped by life's circumstances, think of what you CAN do. I'm sure you know, since you were in the auto accident, that when life throws something at you, you learn to adjust. Try to come up with as many options as you can to respond to a situation. If nothing else, it'll bring fresh thoughts to mind. - Set some reasonable goals, and keep going back to them. If your family isn't close (mine isn't either), take steps now to get to know one person better. Invite them to go to a ballgame, or just call him or her up for a quick chat. Start investing time with that person. Our families won't be around forever, and if we want to get closer, someone has to make a little effort. Hope some of this helps. You're not alone!

Well, it sounds like she's confused and unable to let go of you. She's playing both sides of the fence here. Mabye because she feels insecure and wants the attention. Maybe because she doesn't know what she wants. Or maybe because she wants everything. I don't like hearing that she's with her boyfriend, but calls you up when she needs something from you. That's really disrespectful of you, imho. I think you're doing the right thing by playing it cool, but you seem to be doing a lot of the giving and she's doing alot of the taking. This whole thing about her not calling you back, when all you were doing was checking to see if she's okay, is a prime example. If I were you, I would cut off relations with her. I know that you guys are close and you feel like her friend, but in her mind, everything's complicated by the fact that you two used to go out. I had an ex that I treated like my good friend, and he was the one who was keeping in touch. After being his friend for a good long time, he met his fiancee and dropped me like a rock. So watch out for your ex's motives right now. She's not treating you like a friend. Best of luck.

But I feel that Im living not my life. I always want to devote myself to someone... Well, I think that's great that you want to devote yourself to someone. A lot of people don't understand that sharing someone's life, and them sharing yours, is what relationships are all about. I mean, I definitely dated guys before who thought it was all about ME sharing HIS life, but not HIM making the effort to share mine. At the same time, you can totally live your life as a single person, IMHO. There's so much you can share with people. I mean, if you're into something - like cars, hiking, sports, whatever -- and your wife or gf doesn't like those things, you'll STILL need to have friends to share those interests with. I guess I'm trying to say that a wife or gf won't give you a life, necessarily. But ... I do understand being lonely as a single and wanting to have someone who knows you and loves you. I want that too. I'm sure you'll find someone very special, plufber.

Thanks, TingGirlLA. Funny thing, I think one friend got the message, even though I didn't directly confront her. One thing I did do was start paying attention to how I was feeling, figuring that if I didn't feel like listening intently the next time she called, I would only give her as much attention as I could. You know what? It helped! Instead of her getting more and more wrapped up in what she was saying, she recognized that I was on the other end of the line. When it came my time to talk, she listened and commented and all that stuff. It was almost like in dating, where if one person gives the other person everything, the other person starts taking them for granted. But if one person holds back a little, it reminds the other person to try and meet their needs.

Thanks, HajiMaji. I sure appreciate it. What you said about enjoying seeing people being comfortable, being who they are ... wow, I've *never* thought about that. It hadn't occurred to me, but there's definitely something there that I sorta understand on some level. I'm going to definitely think about that (me, the introvert -- must go off and sit and think ). I mean, it explains some things ... like when I 'mind' that my boss is goofing off, but other people don't seem to be bothered as much, prolly cuz he's just being himself. It also explains how sometimes people don't respond to me because they're not sure if *I'm* comfortable (I've been told I'm hard to read). I guess "comfortable" also means being able to be yourself with the other person. Hm... OK. Anyway, thanks for the encouragement HajiMaji! It really helps!

Thanks, guys. That really helps to know I'm not the only one. Yeah, I do have high expectations of people. Or at least, expectations, period. Like with my boss, I want him to be like *I* want him to be. But he's not. He talks a lot about non-work stuff during the day, and goofs off when I'd rather him be managing! But I don't really have a "right" to expect anything, esp. when my expectations are just making me sour anyway. I'm glad to know that even extraverts have special friends and then there's everybody else, HajiMaji. I think I'm in a friendship dry spell. I used to have some really close friends, but one by one, they've drifted off. I'm trying to make a few new friends now; it's going okay. It's tough to build up good friendships though - takes time. I *totally* relate to what you said (HM) about listening to friends for hours, and then NOT having that favor returned. Ouch. Been there, sadly. So when you DO enjoy people - like, even the non-special friends - what is it that you enjoy, HajiMaji? Is it the energy? the jokes? Just wondering. I'm sort of a "break it down for me" person; I need things spelled out. I shoulda been a scientist. lol. Thanks!

So I'm hoping for some advice on how to really ENJOY being with people. There are some days when it seems all I have are critical thoughts running around in my head about other people. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm 'all that,' more like certain things bug me. Laziness and selfishness, for example. I do okay on the surface of relationships - I'm a nice person and relate to people on a "nice" level. But I see other people genuinely excited about being with other people, and I'm just ... lacking that. And it DOES leave me lonely sometimes. IN fact, more and more these days. I suppose there are plenty of reasons that go into not being close to people. One, I'm an introvert. Two, my trust has been broken before, big-time. Three, I work really hard and give a lot, but don't feel like I "get" much back. IT just seems like an endless cycle, and I really wanna break out, but I need some ideas on how. Anyone have some thoughts, or stories to share???? Thanks. P.S. I actually don't have a problem striking up a conversation with people. More like, we don't seem to develop those warm fuzzy feelings after talking or hanging out. I'm not that outwardly emotional or "fun", I guess.

lillady898, I know what you mean. I've been seeking the same thing. My problem is that I want to do EVERYTHING (read great books, develop my knowledge of jazz, etc.), but end up so scattered that I do nothing and thus do not develop myself. Anyway, I think one thing that helps is to develop one's confidence. Other people are nice to have around because we can lean on them ... but the confident individual knows s/he doesn't HAVE to lean on someone else. It's an option to lean on others, but only one option of many. So I would suggest taking time to reflect on your life regularly through journaling. What ARE you able to do? Take some pleasure out of who you already are as a person. Are you already good at painting, or knitting, or ice hockey? I had some experiences recently where I could have either gotten down on myself about what I am NOT yet able to do, or I could take pride in the skills I have. Obviously, if I got discouraged about how much I have to learn, I'd probably never become independent. But if I'm thankful ... then anything's possible. You could also journal about your daily or weekly experiences. Such as ... what you thought about that story your heard on the news, or the trip to the museum you went on. That helps to develop your opinions, and then you can share them with other people. Good luck & have fun!

I completely agree with Bounder. He gives good advice, especially about how sometimes ex's aren't able to give us the closure we seek, so we must find a way to be at peace with it anyway. I think I know how you feel, Cassidy. I dearly wanted to have a closure conversation with my ex, but he wouldn't give it to me. Not really. Not in a way that made me feel that he cared, you know? It hurt to realize that after all we'd been through together, he couldn't even tell me why he wanted to break up. I think he didn't want to face me. He was, basically, a coward. But like Bounder said, we can't make people be who we need them to be. And those failings or weaknesses on their part become all the more apparent when it comes to break ups, unfortunately. A guy who knows he didn't live up to his girlfriend's expecations, for example, isn't going to submit himself to another conversation in which she tells him how he messed up. Maybe he should give her the respect by having that conversation, but he doesn't even want to go there anymore. Cassidy, I think it's good your ex may be going to another high school, despite him being your best friend. He's sending you clear signals that you're not dating anymore, so I think it'll be easier for you both not to bump into each other. I can get jealous too, and I wouldn't want to waste any of my time wondering "who is he going to date next"? Yuck. BTW, my ex was my best friend too, but women tend to respect the friendship after breaking up more than men do. IMHO. Based on my own experience, it's better to realize that he may not want to hold on to that friendship, than to believe that he *should* still consider me as his friend. Also BTW, it sounds like you did fine in your conversation with your ex, Cassidy. You told him you wouldn't call anymore, and that sounds like strength to me. So, about the sex thing. I wanted to say I'm actually GLAD to hear you didn't go all the way with him. My personal view is that sex is something totally special to share with the person who really loves you, and pretty much decided he's not going to walk away. As bad as you feel now, I think you'd be feeling 10 times worse right now if you two had been having sex. There's this myth that "oh if only I had had sex with him, he wouldn't have left me." OK, that's a crock. First, if the guy is having sex with a girl, that doesn't mean he loves her. Second, it may even mean he's going out with her just because he wants to have sex. I've heard this straight from my guy friends. It sounds horrible, but blame it on the hormones. I hope your closure conversation works, Katini. Best wishes on that. Cassidy and Bounder ... hang in there, guys.

Hi. Thanks for this chance to talk about dating! I'd like to dialog about first impressions. If you get a bad first impression of someone, how do you decide whether to go ahead anyway and get to know him ... or trust your 'gut instinct' about the person? For example, a guy approached me recently and started grilling me (that's what it felt like!) on what work I do, where I live, where I went to school etc. It felt very uncomfortable, and it ended quickly. Then he managed to follow up with me - even though I hadn't given him my contact info. But he apparently knows an acquaintance of mine. Ignored the e-mails. To me, this approach feels pushy. But some of my friends say I shouldn't be so closed. Are there any general principles to follow regarding first impressions? I do want to date and get married - to the right guy, that is!

Hey again, Cassidy. I hope you're hanging in there. Sorry to hear the conversation didn't go well. I don't know what to say, except I think you deserve to be treated better than that. I mean, let's put the latest conversation aside for a minute and talk about him not calling you when you were dating. A guy is perfectly capable of picking up a phone and having a conversation -- at least once or twice a week, you'd think. So really, this is what my girlfriends told me as well, when my ex broke up with me. My ex did some stuff that really didn't show me much respect, too. He knew perfectly well what he *should* do as a bf, but basically, he didn't do it. So what choice do I have but to move on? Yes, I loved him, but he apparently didn't feel 100% the same. And I deserve better than to hang on to someone who is not going to love and cherish me and want to be with me. I think you deserve someone who is totally into you. Of course it sucks right now. And I know how you feel because women tend to put a lot of themselves into relationships - lots of love and care. But you know - as much as it hurts, you can be proud of yourself for loving him. It seems like very little consolation, but really - if you feel like you did your best, then you're a better person than he is. Love isn't about controlling the other person, but giving to him. If he doesn't have it in him to be loving in return, then it's his loss. Really, believe me. I know you miss him, but stay strong. Things will start feeling better soon. We've all been through this too, and we've come out on the other side just fine. Maybe even a little wiser...