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Celadon

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  1. Celadon
    So she has family problems? That's pretty rough. I mean, people tend to believe what they've heard growing up. Maybe you could make her a card and list all the great things about her. Put in there specific examples, so she can BELIEVE they're true. Like, "You're nice - you helped me with my homework." Stuff like that. You might try to get her to talk about her family. Why do they despise her? Maybe she needs some moral support there.
  2. Celadon
    Treble Turtle, welcome to the board. Sorry to hear you're in this situation. Yeah, you come accross pretty personable in writing. So the real you seems fairly likeable. So (being logical) I guess I'd ask you what's holding you back at school in getting to know people? Shyness, sure. But shyness is another way of saying, you don't want to risk being rejected. It's also a way of saying, you don't know HOW to socialize. So, clearly one thing that needs to change is ... you can't think of yourself as a retard anymore. That attitude's gotta go. It may be comfortable or "safe" to think of yourself that way, because you don't get rejected by anyone else if you reject yourself first. Problem is, you won't be accepted by others - and feel the freedom to make friends - if you're putting yourself down. Shy is one thing, but criticizing yourself is not healthy. Here are some basic tips on social skills: - Smile more - Make eye contact (keep it friendly and brief; don't stare) - Say hello to people - Tell yourself about your positive qualities. Not just the Photoshop stuff, but other stuff about you as a person. It'll improve your confidence. - Think of things you have in common with other people. Ask people questions - "Are you going to the game?" "How's your English class?" "What are your plans for the summer?" Keep it simple, and have something interesting to say on the topic. - If you REALLY feel badly about how you look, try to change some things. New glasses, new jackets, different haircut, whatever. Explore your style, and have fun with it. Hope this helps some. It's late, so hopefully i'm still making sense.
  3. Celadon
    Hm, I dont know. If she has a girlfriend, I don't know why she would be chasing after you too. How old is she anyway? You're 15, and it sounds like she's a bit older. Maybe she just wants to be friends, do you think?
  4. Celadon
    Just wanted to say I read your post and am sorry to hear you're heartbroken. I know what that's like. Especially, the first one is harder than the rest - so please don't get down on yourself. I think you happened into a bad situation. The guy had been married, and those bonds are pretty strong (I mean, everyone WANTS them to be strong, right?) So it's not your fault. You just walked into a situation that was not in your favor. The way to get over him? Patience, time, distractions, allowing yourself to heal. Try to let go of him and the hope that you'd ever be with him. You know what? If you forgot about him today - this moment - and then he came back to you in a year, would you rather have spent the year moping about or living life? I'm saying it doesn't help to hang on and on to an ex. It doesn't bring them back. They come back not based on what you do necessarily, but on the circumstances of their lives. If you have any girl friends, start going out with them and start meeting some guys! You don't have to love any of them, but there's sure to be a time in the future where you'll all of a sudden meet someone and it'll be HIM who is on your mind the next day...not your ex. Take care.
  5. Celadon
    Hey sdguy118, hang in there. Yeah, sometimes life hands us one bad apple after another and it gets too be pretty challenging. I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother, but you know what? I'll bet she's looking down on you from heaven and she's proud as anything that you're graduating. Really. I'm sure she knew you had it in you to graduate college, and she was right! And here you are, ready to go out into the world! I know you miss her, but try to realize that your love for her is still there, and hers for you. About your ex, if there's anyway you can NOT talk to her for a bit, it'll probably help you heal faster. After breakups, it's like you have an open wound and every time you see that person or talk to her, it's like ripping the bandaid off. You gotta leave the bandaid on for awhile, it's just better that way. Take care.
  6. Celadon
    Hi amicus, welcome to the enotalone board. Wow, you've been through quite an experience with this guy. But fortunately for you, you had a period of "renewal" when you moved back in with your family. So you know what is possible, in terms of your own happiness. I don't think you're going to get what you want from him. He will not open up, nor will he boot you out. You will need to leave, I'm afraid. And it sounds like your leaving might be the best option. If he is indeed manipulative (self-absorbed, yet calm about it), then there is no point in your being there. It sounds like being with him saps the joy outta you. You mentioned that at times you are good together. Well, honestly, most relationships do have times like that. There's something that brought the couple together in the first place. You need to ask whether they're happening *enough* of the time, though. Even calm guys can be corrupt inside; I'm just speaking from experience of knowing some people like that. They seem great to everyone else, but there are deep-rooted issues with themselves that they are so afraid of or in denial of, they try to handle YOU instead of their own problem. (My pet peeve is hearing anyone say "This conversation is over." That's just a power trip, believe me. It's a sign of weakness. Mature people can handle hearing someone else talk.) All this is not to say that doesn't love you, just that it's not working for you as a couple. I hope that you regain your happiness soon, amicus. I believe you and your assessment of the situation. I don't think you're crazy. It sounds all too familiar to me. Take care.
  7. Celadon
    I think that's a good idea, thefields. Try NC. After awhile, you'll realize you're doing okay without her. And you've already started opening up emotionally, so you'll meet new people and enjoy new experiences in no time. Good luck!
  8. Celadon
    Leo, why don't you go meet her for coffee or something? Start off simple. Although you live at home and have other concerns, you don't even know right now if you and she even would get along, you know? I would suggest you do yourself a favor by just talking with her, to get to know her and let her get to know you. If you're looking for a relationship, it has to be rooted in a genuine friendship, which goes beyond just flirting. If she really isn't the type of person your parents would like, you can figure out then what to do. But who knows, she just may be okay afterall.
  9. Celadon
    Good for you! That's exactly how you should handle things. You distracted yourself, called on a friend, and made it through the evening without spiralling downwards. That's really a great step, thefarewellnote. One day at time, that's all that's required of us. Keep going!
  10. Celadon
    Hi there. I think it's great that you're trying to be more true to yourself and opening up more about your feelings. Sometimes it's tough for people to accept our changes when they think they know us already. I dated a guy who insisted on keeping me in a little box (so to speak) -- thinking of me only in a certain way. When I did something unexpected, he suspiciously asked me why I was doing what I was doing. I think it gave him a sense of power that he thought he knew me completely. Anyway, for you ... you said you want her back. So maybe she senses that motive in you, and that's why she's accusing you of sucking up to her. It's a difficult situation, but what you have to do is resolve that you DON'T want to get back with her. As long as you want that, then everything you do will come off like it's a ploy to get her back, really. Hope that made sense. I'm a little brain dead right now. lol.
  11. Celadon
    Seems to me you're handling this is a good, caring but not clingy way. In fact, that's the one thing that people have to learn, if they want to be friends with their exes: They're not responsible for each other anymore. You know, it's like a step back, where you still care, but only as much as you would any other good friend. You trust that the other person is capable of reaching out to you if they're in need. You trust that the other person may find help through someone else. So, I'm impressed that you're a guy but you seem to want to be friends with your ex. Good for you.
  12. Celadon
    The reason you're getting jealous is because you want to control the situation, and you want to control her, and you can't. I understand that you want her to be happy with you, but from everything you say, she is not making any effort in that direction, and that is making you grasp at straws. I don't often tell people what I think God might be doing, but this time I'll make an exception. You can take it or leave it; I'm only saying this because I hope it helps you get unstuck from this situation: Perhaps God is asking you to trust Him with your future. If he were to ask you to give up control of your life to him, would you do that? If he were asking you to give up this girl and trust that he would bring you someone else who is better OR that he would eventually bring her back to you, would you trust him? Do you believe that he wants the best for you AND that he is able to bring the best to you? There is a great contentment that can come from spirituality, but we must let God work in us or we can stay wrapped up in the anxiety this is of our own making. Perhaps you can spend time focusing on God and not this girl. Allow yourself to go NC with her, trusting that God can work all things together for good. Take care.
  13. Celadon
    I'm one of those people who genuinely wanted to stay friends with the ex after things didn't work out (mostly for him, since he initiated the break up). You might find that strange. I figured, we actually have a lot in common and knew each other well, so it was a shame to give up a friend or carry on this false "hostility" that you're supposed to have with your ex. We could understand one another, and there aren't a whole lot of people in the world about whom you can say that. So that was all well and good. I didn't want to get back together with him. BUT, then a few years later, he met his fiancee, and then basically called me up to dump me as a friend. That was pretty rude to say the least. (It was his idea, not hers, he said.) IMHO, his motives for being friends with me all that time became questionable, in hindsight. Take this for what you will. I still believe it's possible to be friends with your ex, and I have friends who stayed in touch - even invited the ex to their son's birthday party! Like DN said, in the best sense, you stay friends because you ARE friends.
  14. Celadon
    I know what you mean! It's really tough to talk with someone (guy or gal) who doesn't offer very much. Some people really are quite shy, and I know because I was shy growing up! It's even tougher as an adult because everyone expects you to be able to carry on a conversation. Some people who don't speak aren't only shy though. Some people are just lazy - honestly.
  15. Celadon
    Joe, I don't think you're being sarcastic necessarily, just making jokes. There's nothing wrong with that! Just make sure it's not the only thing you do. I mean, if someone's always looking to make a joke, that sometimes comes off as a "shtick." Basically, gets annoying. But if it's just now and then, that's cool. Everyone likes to laugh.
  16. Celadon
    Well, no one wants to feel grilled. Sometimes people who ask too many question come off as too serious, as though you're trying to interview them or you're showing more interest than is appropriate at that stage in your friendship. It's more normal to ask some quality questions, then have that spark some conversation with BOTH of you talking and contributing. What you want as a goal is to ask enough questions to see IF you and the guy have anything in common. Then talkabout those things, and let the friendship develop out of that. Don't be too desperate. You need things in common, some sort of ease together But don't worry - I'm sure you haven't been a total failure. Sometimes social situations are just difficult for everybody - the guys as well as the gals. Don't be too hard on yourself. We all have to do trial and error. Good luck!!
  17. Celadon
    Okay, I see how that story relates to how you're currently feeling. I agree with DN, this seems to be a trust issue, even though you don't see it that same way. Actually, if I were in your shoes, I would also have a trust issue. I guess it could be that she had definitely decided to break up with the ex, and hadn't done it yet, and then met you. I guess that's understandable. You might have even given her the "courage" to break up, knowing that she had someone else she was interested in at that point (you). But I see your point that it might be coloring your current feelings. So, you ask why HER changing isn't compromise. Well, probably because either disallowing her from hanging out with any guy, or "approving" of each guy she hangs out with doesn't seem reasonable. It doesn't seem like how one adult would treat another adult, esp. one you trust. (And why would you want to be with someone you don't trust?) I think a compromise would be if you agree on the situations in which she'd hang out with a guy (or you'd hang out with a woman). Like, not past 10 p.m. Or, nothing "datelike," like movies, etc. Or, no phone calls longer than 15 minutes. Compromise is where both people recognized the validity of the other person's viewpoint and they try to accommodate it in ways they both feel comfortable with. Think of things from the other person's point of view. You raise a really good issue, Midknight, and I hope everything works out with your girl. I realized I have dealt with this situation too, and the only danger to a relationship becomes when you think it should be "your way, or the highway."
  18. Celadon
    LOL, Muneca, I like your mom's saying. So true, one crazy is a enough! With this guy I was posting about, I can't tell you how GOOD it feels not to have taken the bait. In fact, I just carried on with the other reasonable people (but this was over e-mail, not in person), and now I feel like "haha, good has won over bad!" (Not saying I'm good, but that good=reasonable, and bad=playing games.) Sonjam, thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one! I do hope this guy I know goes and picks on someone else. Hypocrisy is frustrating to deal with. I still have moments where just *thinking* about it, I feel victimized, but I try to snap out of it and not get sucked in. Just don't address it, is my new motto.
  19. Celadon
    I was just thinking about something. Sometimes people try to "bait" you to get mad, or bait you to feel bad about yourself. Sometimes I unwittingly get sucked in -- if not saying anything to their face, then feeling angry about what they said and trying to argue with them in my head. Like, this guy I know, if things don't go his way, he implies things like, "oh, you just want YOUR way," or "you aren't working for the good of the group," or "you're making things difficult." All of these could probably be said about HIM, but he turns things around to try to make himself look like the good guy. So I know most of the time I should just remember that I'm fine, I don't have a problem and ignore him. But when would you guys SAY something back, when someone implies that you're being difficult, but doesn't come out and say it? Would you ever say anything, or just let it roll off your back? Just wondering. Thanks!
  20. Celadon
    Hi again little_lady00 - I'm glad to hear he is looking for a counselor. I believe that is a wise decision. Time will tell if he is REALLY committed to you. You should not have to force him to go to the counselor, remember. He needs to be a man and take the responsibility for fixing this mess HE created. BTW, I could be reading this wrong, but his "poor me, you're never going to trust me again" thing concerns me. He is not the victim here, so he better not act like one. Again, these are the consequences of his actions. I applaud you for wanting to work this through. I only hope that he is equally willing and ready to be responsible. I know it's hard to go through these emotions, but if you ride them out (and keep confiding to your friends and posting when you need to) you will come out okay on the other side. Take care.
  21. Celadon
    little_lady00, my heart goes out to you too. This is really a rough thing to deal with, and I'm so sorry to hear you're going through it. I say, take your time thinking about what you want and need. He took four months to tell you about his infidelity, so you can take the time to figure out what's best for you and for this relationship. You already have a gut instinct that he's not telling you the whole truth, so the consequences of staying with him will be to distrust him forever. I'm not an advocate of divorce, but infidelity is a deal-breaker to me. He needs to come clean, not just ease his conscience by telling you about this one instance. Does he seem ready to take FULL responsibility for what he did, including any consequences - such as moving out of your house while you sort things out? It's not punishment, it's *consequences.* I hope you can confide in a woman friend or two, so they can support you and listen to you. It's so important for women to be able to vent their feelings. Well, take care, little_lady00.
  22. Celadon

    Fear

    Celadon replied to ECD's topic in Dating Advice

    Deep breaths, maybe? And good, positive self-talk. No "what ifs" -- like "What if he says no?" "what if I get spinach stuck in my teeth beforehand?" Instead think calm, happy thoughts. "Hm, this guy is so nice. I'm just gonna 'open the door' and see if he'll walk through." And, "I'm a friendly, caring person. If he'll allow me, I want to get to know him better." You can do it! Good luck!
  23. Celadon
    There comes a time in every relationship where a person has to look reality in the face. Ask yourself, is this an equal, balanced relationship, or is one person giving and one person taking? If that's the case, then you are holding out false hopes. As much as you'd like your actions and feelings to be reciprocated, you are getting every signal possible that she doesn't feel the same way. Ask yourself, so what is the purpose of my continuing in this friendship? You are not going to change her or control her. You are not in a healthy, happy relationship. Sure, friends may have their differences, but this goes beyond that. Plus, she's your ex, so it's complicated. You are clearly a caring person, thefarewellnote, and have many other wonderful qualities as well, I am sure. There's a world out there that's waiting for you, one that's way bigger than just this one girl. There are places to see, people to befriend, and life worth living. It seems to me you have wanted this relationship to be "IT" - the whole enchilada - to satisfy everything in you. It is wiser to turn outward and see what else is going on at your school and in your city. Don't let the fact that you don't have any close friends there limit you. You may not have close friends now, but you can and will develop friends. At this point, think about doing things that will make you happy, instead of banging your head against this closed door (the girl). Good luck.
  24. Celadon
    Oooh boy, thefarewellnote. Sorry to hear of what's happened to you. Sounds like you really love this girl, and there's nothing wrong with that. I'd like to give you some gentle advice, and that is, that you consider moving to another apartment away from her. If I may say, right now you're in a break-up situation, and it is not helpful or healthy to you emotionally to be so close to her. (BTW, I understand about that whole TV show thing. Happened to me with my ex as well!) But things like imagining she's in love with this other guy, and having suicidal thoughts - those are not healthy things, bro. You need a break, and need to trust that a break will help you calm down and recover a little. You may think that NC will send her away forever, but I really don't think your current behavior is helping the situation or going to lead her back to you. She seems to be annoyed that you keep talking about getting back together at this point. Now, you said you don't have family or anything. Do you have a church? You need some support right now, and it can't be from her. Find some other people to lean on. I know you can do it, and I hope it will happen for you soon. Hopefully the two of you will come to a place where you're both ready to talk about relationship, but now does not seem like the time. So be patient. Most of all, take care of yourself and try to distract yourself from thinking about her -- go work out at the gym, listen to live music at a cafe, join a club, or write your heart out in a journal every day. You'll feel better, little by little.
  25. Celadon
    This is one of those "timing" things. Unfortunately, you really don't want to hold him back from living independently, because for guys, that's a really important thing. I suppose one way to stop hurting is to trust that the future holds something good for you. You can accept his decision and then also put your mind to making the most of the year that you two live independently. Now, annie24 raises a good question. When he says "independent" does he mean "let's wait a year, then we'll get married" or "let's wait a year, then I'll decide IF I'm ready to get married"? You need to get that clear with him, if it's not already. (I couldn't quite tell from what you said- probably my denseness. ) It's scary to be on hold, I know. But you really oughtn't think about what others are going to say. Care about your BF and give him this chance for independent living. He may want to get a handle on it before moving in with you, where he'll have not just himself to take care of but you as well. Hang in there, babyblue1.
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