Celadon

Taking a walk in nature, and instead of letting my mind think about a milion things, just noticing the breeze, the smell of the trees, the sound of the birds. Being in the moment, instead of trying to control the moment. Learning something new. Letting myself follow my curiosity. Taking care of my health. Getting enough sleep. Getting enough exercise. Eating good food, not junk.

Continue to treat her well. If you behave confidently and nicely, she'll end up forgetting about the age difference, 'cause she'll like you so much.

I feel for you, especially since you guys were together for four years. I'm sure it was a great relationship. You're right about how hurt girls can feel. We hope to feel like we're the one desired woman, and it's devastating when our guy doesn't act that way. I'd say, unfortunately, that of all the mistakes a guy can make, getting it on with another girl is about the worst. It breaks trust, and trust is a hard thing to get back. Since you're still friends, there may be a chance (I believe the only chance is by being friends and rebuilding that trusting relationship). Believe me, though, if she is even thinking about getting back together with you, she's probably watching your behavior very very closely to see if you're worth trusting again. Good luck.

Hi Sparrow, Your post is a little tough to answer, 'cause none of us wants to squelch your hope -- but we also don't want to see you hurt. I need to advise you to protect your heart. Keep your visit simple and don't try to stay longer than is comfortable for both of you. If this is not a signal from your ex, then even a nice friendly visit could hurt. I'm sorry, I just want you to be prepared and not get your hopes up too high. Be friendly. Treat her like the dear friend she is. But respect that you two aren't going out right now. If you want to say anything important to her, just decide on it ahead of time and make it brief. Prepare it -- because in the adrenaline rush of seeing her, you don't want to say something you'll regret. People are free to disagree with me, but I'd like to spare you the anguish I've felt post-break-up when I've seen an ex and things were excruiciatingly awkward. I'm trying to give you advice that I wish I'd known back then. Good luck. I do hope everything works out for the best.

Nooxie, tell him that one thing that you really appreciate is when someone shares your excitement over something that's happened in your life. Tell him how good that makes you feel. Sometimes people don't realize what you need until you tell them. (That's a tough one for me, but I'm learning ... ) Not everyone's really sympathetic with others. People get pretty caught up in their own stuff, but that doesn't mean you have to just sit there and be miserable over it. You can take action to make things happen too. Also, it sometimes helps to take a minute to be grateful for the things you have -- your good job, your family, your grades. Jealousy usually sneaks up when we feel we don't have enough, but gratitude helps us realize we always have enough. Good luck!

martyj, I'm real sorry you're going through this rough patch. I know what it's like to be used. I got the whole "I'm not ready" bs after he first said "this could be *it*." Why do people do this? They're immature, and selfish. Believe it or not, I don't say that in anger - I just think that's really the explanation. The secret to getting over feeling angry is to STOP EXPECTING the other person to be better than he or she really is. If we keep expecting our ex's to have done something differently, loved us more, or been 'ready' -- we'll keep bonking our heads against the wall. And that hurts!! I've finally accepted that my ex is good in some ways and immature as heck in others. And I'm glad I'm not depending on him to be the love of my life anymore, 'cause he wasn't very good for me. And based on how your ex has jerked you around -- I'd say she wasn't any good for you, either. I hope you can take out your frustrations by working out, or writing or doing something productive. Go out and clean the yard or take a long hike in the fresh air. People here know what you're going thru, martyj. Hang in there till things start feeling better, okay?

I went through a similar circumstance, altho' I didn't have to see my ex everyday (yowch!). He didn't want to continue any contact, so after I finished being mad at him, I told him, fine, I'll be here if you ever want to be friends again. Then I let him make the first move -- which he did, a month or two later. So, there's hope. Don't get too focused on it. I'd suggest apologizing to her -- again -- and telling her you'd like to be friends someday. Tell her you respect her and appreciate her friendship. Let her know you're open to it anytime she is. Then be mature about it and give her some space. Meanwhile, go make some new friends.

Wow, that's some great stuff, Puma! I never realized how people want so many different things from talking and hanging out. That makes a lot of sense. So true -- especially "C." I guess I was hoping that good conversations would just spring up, but it's true, good stuff comes out of just staying with the conversation sometimes. I think it's important to keep up a good attitude, too -- instead of thinking "oh shoot, this is going nowhere" to chill out about it and try to come up with something more interesting instead. I liked what you said about bringing up topics people want to hear about -- not just talking about any old thing. Yeah, you're right. I never really thought about that, although I've noticed it when other people have launched into something kinda boring. I also think that it helps to not go on too long about anything. Very few of us want to just listen, listen, listen. Hm, these are great tips! Thanks a bunch for sharing, Puma. If anyone has other thoughts on this, please post, for all our sakes.

Hi all, I've realized lately that I'm not truly connecting with friends and acquaintances. I'm talking about that level beyond the surface, though not necessarily as deep as sharing problems and stuff. This disconnect is making me feel lonely. I've always been more of a listener, but now I want to interact more in conversations -- really discover things in common and be enthused about others and have them be interested in me. I want to feel conversations are stimulating and satisfying. I want to be closer to people. I was at a get-together this weekend and tried to ask people about the things I knew about them. But many conversations didn't go anywhere. So then I started talking about an activity I'd been involved in, but that didn't go very far either. Does anyone have suggestions on how they go about fostering conversations that people get excited about? If so, please please share. Like I said, I'm not looking for deep profound conversations, just ones that are interesting and would help me feel I'm revealing who I really am to other people. Thanks!

Sometimes I look away because I don't want to get into a staring contest with the other person. LOL. No, really. I don't like it when the other person just stares and stares. It's normal to glance at a person's chin or ear or whatever, to break to uncomfortableness of locking eyes. I also avert my eyes when I perceive the other person is feeling uncomfortable, for the same reason. Eyes should be used to express and communicate, not to mechanically make a 'connection.' They naturally roll up when laughing, for example. Locking eyes almost comes accross as unnatural, IMHO. If someone can't keep eye contact for a second, it could be they are embarrased/nervous/uncomfortable, or they are listening intently (some people look down when they think). Also, in some cultures, it's not appropriate to make a lot of eye contact. BTW, cute chipmunk picture.

It's because women like to laugh and are impressed with someone who appeals to their minds and not just their bods! I appreciate wit when it's parceled out, not a constant stream of machine-gun fired quips. Wit, when combined with an actual point of view, is stimulating. What I don't like, though, is dialogue-stunting sarcasm, which sometimes comes with wit. At its best, wit enhances conversation. It punctuates, illuminates, amuses. I hope there are guys out there who find witty women attractive as well!

Hi, I really appreciated what GymSweetie shared about her relationship. Sounds like one I had, especially that I'm the quiet reflective one and he was the outrageous one! The advice about focusing on the thought is right on -- I heard once that if we allow ourselves to dwell on a negative thought, it becomes harder to get rid of. But if we catch it as it happens and deal with it, it'll be easy to shrug off. My question is, how do people "deal" with a negative thought when it happens? With deep breathing? A mantra? Self-affirmation? Sometimes, all I'm aware of is how I feel hurt or afraid of rejection or angry, to be honest. I can't think so straight in that moment. Which is exactly the Rock's question, I guess. Well, my thoughts on that are: sometimes we can recognize our irrational feelings, even if they are "gut" level. I believe that because of past experiences/hurts, some reactions seem "natural" but are not healthy. Example: I was at a party recently and my ex showed up. My reaction when he started hitting it off with a woman? Jealousy, hurt, retreat. I know why I was having those feelings -- because the guy hurt me big time. The rational thoughts didn't come to me until later, because I was overcome by the irrational. The rational is that we're no longer together, I wish him well, and he can befriend anyone he wants to. The rational thought was also that he wasn't there to diss me, although that's not how I felt at the time. What I've concluded is that in some situations, I should not act on my feelings. Maybe, Rock, it's best just to say you need some time to think about things, then go cool off until your rational thoughts come back. In the meantime, you can figure out whether your gut feeling is the result of a past experience or because of something real that's happening in your relationship. Well, thanks for being open about your situations and questions, everyone. It helps to know I'm not alone in wanting to handle my emotions better.

I'm sorry to hear about how badly your ex treated you. Thanks for sharing with us, and I wish you well. You deserve great happiness, and I hope you will keep your chin up until TRUE love finds you.

Hmmm.... either he is so totally devoted to you that he wants to know every little thing in your life (or, okay, every person in your life) or he's a bit weird, IMHO. I've never heard of a guy checking out his gf's gfs. You don't have to do what you don't want to do. You have a right to feel comfortable, and that means telling him you're not interested in sending him any more pix unless you really really buy his explanation. Don't let him guilt-trip you. He should respect your decision. That's what a relationship is about. The issue of your sending him pix should NOT make or break your relationship. Or, just for kicks, you could ask him to send pix of all HIS friends for you to check out. Then see what he says ...

Hi Huneesuckle, Porn CAN be a problem. I think you're right to be concerned. BUT, I think it's unwise for you to flip out over this, because flipping out is not very helpful, now is it? I dated a guy who had problems with porn. Honestly, and in his own words, he was addicted. He had to get his fix. Daily if not more often. I got the advice of a trusted older guy-friend and he said addiction is caused by a person feeling unloved in some way. Does your husband have some issues in his past? You said it normally wouldn't bother you, but your husband doesn't seem like the type. Well, I guess from other posts here, it seems like most men would be "the type." Maybe your husband's just a late bloomer. Haha, just a little joke. Is your husband necessarily addicted to porn? No. Just like not everyone who has a beer is an alcholic. But, it can be a slippery slope and you absolutely need to talk about this. About your second issue -- he always tells you what he thinks you want to hear. Perhaps you are the type of person who unknowing projects a "need" for people to agree with you. If so, try to back off. Let him have his own opinion. Take interest in it. Or maybe you like to discuss things, but he thinks you two are arguing. If so, call him on it. "I don't mean to sound disagreeable, I was just thinking aloud ... So you were saying ... ?" It'd be helpful if you could figure out why he's such a "yes" man ("whatever you want, dear"). Don't settle for being married to a yes man. Find out what you can change about YOURSELF to encourage him to open up more. It may take time (habits die hard) but it's do-able. Hope this helps, Huneesuckle. Peace to you.

Hi Rock, I have jealousy issues, too, and I've realized they are rooted in insecurity -- AND laziness! The insecure part is like, "Oh no, is that person better than me, because she's talking a lot with So-and-So and they're having a great time." When we know our own value, then what other people do won't shake that confidence. We won't feel like we're "losing" something or worth less than any other person. (No one is worth less than anyone else, IMHO.) The LAZY part is because instead of doing something to reaffirm my confidence, I let myself get jealous and either feel sorry for myself or want to cut that other person down (like, talk behind their back or think bad things... you know). So, I think that realizing you get jealous is a good step to overcoming it. Good for you! Then ease up on yourself. Just think, "Whups, there I go again! I don't need to be jealous. I'm cool." Then go and do something you enjoy or something you're good at. Well, that's what I think. Hope some of it helps ya!

Yes, Sk8er, it IS easier to make promises to people who matter less to you. It's called "doing the social thing." Someone says, "You're not going to kill yourself, right?" and they look earnestly at you, and you don't want to get into an argument with them, so you say, "Right." I know you feel jealous. I would too. But you have to remember that your ex-gf's problem with depression isn't a reflection on you. If she's continually depressed, she needs some expert help. By the way, I don't mean to worry you unneccesarily, but if you feel like she's using you as a crutch, it might not be good for her. Some of us INTEND to help, but we just enable people to stay stuck in their problems instead. Just make sure you trust her to get better by herself, regardless of your help. Don't make her dependent on you, 'cause that's not good.

I like what everyone's suggested so far. My suggestion is to figure out what YOU think looks good and DO it. That way, you'll like how you look and feel comfortable and confident. Like VickiRose said, look through a bunch of magazines and find a style you like. It doesn't have to be extreme or expensive. Just whatever rocks your boat. Notice the details that go into a style -- like, for shirts. What kind of fabric, how long are the sleeves? Is it button up? IS there a big collar or small one? What do guys wear with that type of shirt? You could get some tips by going into a department store and asking a clerk to show you some things. (You don't have to buy.) But aside from that, clean and neat is usually a plus. No one is attracted to someone who doesn't look like they care about themselves. Good luck!

I'd like to hear some advice about this one, too. I had a similar experience with my ex. Not with drinking, but about going out and socializing. I'd bug him to go out, but he wanted to stay in. Then some *other* people would ask him to go out and he'd be, like, out the door faster than you can blink. Sorry to say, I ended up realizing he just wasn't that mature. He wanted what *he* wanted. In your situation, I dunno -- maybe yoru b/f is exploring who he is. It sounds like he felt the bars and scene in your town weren't doing it for him (the "old" him?) but now that he's in a new place, and he's up for exploring it on his own. I know, it's frustrating. If you haven't talked with him about it, and just tell him how it's making you feel, you might do that. Just don't be complaining or whiny; instead, say, you want to spend time with him and ask him what he'd like to do. That's what I'd suggest. Good luck.

Hi Angelic One, I know how you feel, 'cause I've been there too. Some of us grow up trying to so hard to please everyone else, and in a way, we're never "selfish" enough just to do what WE wanna do. Right? So then we come to a place in our lives where we're unhappy and feeling unfulfilled and pressured by what everyone's else's expectations. The good news is that you are REALIZING this. The next step for you is to do something about it to change the situation. It really does start by figuring out small things that you enjoy, things that lift your mood. Do you like music? I love listening to upbeat songs with a good beat. How about nature -- do you like the beach, or the woods, or sitting in a park? Take the time to do something you like, even for an hour or so. You will start feeling better and more relaxed. Angelic One, your mood will not improve overnight, but it WILL improve. If you feel that life is just too overwhelming, though, and you need help NOW -- go to see a counselor at your college. I'm sure there are counseling services, and just explain that you've been feeling down -- so down that you can barely get out of bed sometimes. If they don't help you, ask where you can get help in the community. Don't think of counseling as "shameful" but as a positive step in getting yourself out of the blues. It's a positive thing to take action, and I know you can do it! I've been where you are, but I'm feeling better now and I feel like I know who I am. I wish the same for you!

I agree with Gaz. Let the real you come through. It takes time to form real relationships, and it takes time for girls to figure out if they like you for who you are. So reveal yourself, what you think about things, what you like, what you think is funny. Talk so that you can find things in common with the other person, otherwise if you talk about something they don't know anything about, it will never become a conversation. Also, I've learned to be positive; don't just rag on everything. People like to be around enthusiastic people -- it lifts them up instead of dragging them down. Finally, not everyone responds, for whatever reason. If you've made it obvious that you like someone and she doesn't respond, eh, just move on. At least you tried; doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. 'K?

Anamarie89, a case manager is like a social worker -- someone assigned to her family by either the government (like Child Protective Services) or a social-service agency (which also tries to help out the family). The case manager usually isn't a counselor, but is the person who would arrange for people to get help or counseling. If there's a detective involved, that's probably the police. Did your friend or someone in her house call the police, maybe if one of her family was beating up on her? Some schools have guidance counselors. If yours does, go talk to him or her and ask what you should do. Listen to them and see if you trust them (some aren't very good, unfortunately, but if you think this person cares, then you can decide for yourself if you want to take their advice. If you don't think they care, then don't even bother with them anymore). Also, some cities have suicide hotlines. You might want to call them and ask for advice for your friend -- places she could go (like a domestic violence shelter, or program for abused girls) or counseling organizations where she could talk with someone. Most importantly, listen to your friend and see what she thinks. Does she know there are organizations that can help her? If she does know, but doesn't want to get help, then you can't force her. You can just be her friend. But if she's never heard of these resources, you could tell her about them or give her their phone numbers. You're a good friend to be concerned. Let us know how things go...

Maybe you're so upset about the new guy because you were really bored or frustrated with your ex? So now, finally, you have a guy who is NOT like your ex, and you want him. He prolly fills some need your ex didn't. I guess you could think about whether you really love your ex or not, or whether you want to go back to him because you are afraid there's no one else out there for you. Maybe neither guy is the one for you. You've got a life ahead of you. Go for real love, even if it means leaving your ex for good and continuing to date others.

Oh, I hear you! It's definitely an uphill trudge for me in letting go of things people do. Unfortunately, to be helpful and friendly, sometimes I choose to live with bad behavior in the short-term. Recently I said I'd help a friend with a project, but now she's expecting way more than I originally said yes to. Although I've got a guy friend supporting me in the boundaries I set, it still annoys me that my girl friend isn't trying to get any other help. She's just like, 'Well, I'm sure you'll figure out how to make it simple and get it all done.' EXCUSE me? Since when was the project my responsibility? So now she'll have a slipshod project, 'cause I'm sure not busting my rear to do any more than I said I would. It's amazing how readily people take advantage of others. I know, I know: "They don't mean to." "You have to tell them." Well, I DO tell people -- nicely -- and it usually doesn't work. I end up being pushed to be unpleasant, which I hate. Sigh. Thanks for letting me vent!

Can you transfer to another office, or work a different shift? This kinda thing is bad news...