Celadon

Hey Trigve-- Thanks for replying! Since you agree with my guy friend on the give-a-guy-a-chance thing, he must not be as nuts as I thought. just kidding. About playing it cool with girls, yeah, I think it would work. Except with those girls who are so determined, they'll amp it up if they think they're losing your interest. But most girls would get the hint, esp. since we're not as used to being that persistent. If she doesn't get the hint, she might still like you but hide her feelings more. Your question, Eh?, is a good one. One of the "mysteries." Well, girls - just like guys - are insecure in some ways. Very often, people hear what they're afraid of, even if it's not what you said. Certain questions are loaded, since we've grown up with the idea that beauty = thin, tall, happy. Say you ask, "How much do you weigh?" She hears: You're overweight. You ask, "Did you get any sleep?" She hears: You look terrible. I think people are afraid of other people judging them, and finding them to be "lacking." With questions about weight and tiredness, it's almost a reflex reaction. Well, hope this helped!

Sorry you're feeling upset. You know, some people don't understand that there are boundaries to friendship, but there are. You're right to be uncomfortable with his flirty friend. Dating relationships aren't about letting anyone do whatever they want to you, they're about establishing something special and unique between two people. Don't act jealous of her. Just act like he's yours, which he is. Ask him to respect you and your relationship by NOT allowing her to get so close to him. Her flirting is crossing the line, imho. Meanwhile, make a real effort to get to know his friends. Go out with him and her and get to know her better. That can only boost you in his eyes. But if he refuses to respect your wishes after you've talked with him and made an effort, then, yeah, is the relationship really worth hanging around for? Good luck.

Take a deep breath -- many of them if necesssary -- to calm yourself down! All dating is is having fun and getting to know the other person. Try to find out what you guys have in common -- that's always good for conversation. If you have time ahead of time, think about what you want to know about her? And what do you want her to know about you? A little planning is perfectly fine. I agree with Lily, it helps if you're at an event when you don't have to talk a lot. Just ease into it. Also, it helps to think about HER needs and not "how'm I coming off?" I'm sure your instincts are good, and you'll do just fine. Good luck. Have fun!

I've got questions, too. (Hey, can some more guys come around and give us some insight here??) Here they are: Should a gal always give a guy a chance, like, agree to a first date? One of my guy friends says its sooo painful to get rejected without being given a chance, so he thinks it's actually better to go out once, then get turned down for the second date. I find that hard to believe. Related to that -- say a woman know this guy, and they're friends but she truly isn't interested in him. Then somehow he starts liking her, but doesn't come out and say it. He just keeps doing things, like trying to talk with her all the time. If she's not interested back, how can she tell him so that he gets the message (besides saying, Uh, it seems like you like me, but I only like you as a friend)? That happened to me, and I didn't do anything to "handle" it, except just play it a little cooler -- and the guy ended up just getting mad and sulky and now he treats me like I don't exist. Anyway ... so much for friendship! P.S. To the others who've asked questions: I've been told that guys would rather pursue women (I know, old stereotype, but supposedly still true) than have them plop in their laps, so I'd say it still probably helps to let the guy make some effort -- and decide for himself when he wants to do it.

By lying to you, she's disrespecting you. You need to talk with her about it and tell her you want to have an honest, trusting relationship. Sounds like you guys aren't talking about what you're really feeling, but you need to, because that's part of having a relationship. The whole thing about "it just happens" is shallow, imho. Anyone can realize that they're doing something -- especially after it's been brought to their attention. Yeah, sometimes learning how to change will take practice, but it's not like invisible force is *making* her do anything. So, when you talk with her, be firm, but don't yell at her or anything. Also, if you have some ideas on how you two can have a better relationship, tell her about that. Don't just blame her, or you might get nowhere. Good luck.

That's what I love about this site -- people have perspectives I never even thought of! Well, thanks everyone. I guess I am a detailed person, so it never occurred to me that some people think telling who you're hanging out with could be an "unnecessary" detail. I can see that. Yeah, same thing with whether people think it's important or not to share that stuff. I just took it for granted that it is -- again, the "openness" thing -- but I can understand people don't feel the same way. Maybe, just for kicks, I'll try it the other way, and see how it feels. Okay, thanks again!

That's great, Sparrow. Thanks for taking the time to update us. I know what you mean about trying to be different, but then reverting back to your old ways. The important thing is just to keep on going, I guess. Good luck with the new interest!

Hi there, If you're talking about one-liners that are pre-packaged zingers, like, "Say, didn't I see you at the fashion show? You sure look like a model" -- don't even go there. Okay, sure, they may open a door now and then, but the problem is that you're then expected to keep it up, which you won't be able to do if it just took you 10 minutes to come up with in the first place. Besides, that whole "model" thing is waay overdone. But my real advice is just to say something genuine to put her at ease. Notice something about where you're at, or the situation you're in and use that as an intro. A place to start your conversation. "Boy, it's really crowded in here. Did we just get transported into the New York subway?" Or if she's looking at something, comment on that. Then, keep going, keep talking. The first few minutes usually get conversations off to a good start -- or a bad one. Good luck.

I've been wondering about this for awhile. Why do some people NOT talk about their social lives? Are they being secretive and if so, why?? I have one friend who will always talk about certain things -- work, family, etc. BUT, she'll never say, "I got together with so-and-so and we went to the movies, etc..." I thought she just didn't have a social life, but I recently mentioned I was hanging out with this guy and casually asked if she knew him, and she did! So she's obviously getting together with some people. I've got another friend who will always say he was with "a friend." He'll almost never say who it is. "I went to the concert with a friend...." Meanwhile, when I say I did something, he'll ask me who I was with. I feel that being open with your life is part of friendship. I don't understand these friends who act like there's something to hide or be private about. Can anyone tell me what's up with this?

I say, compliment her on something she actually cares about, or else you come off sounding kinda cheesy. That's just my opinion. Like, if you compliment her on her shirt, and it's just some old shirt she threw on in the morning, she won't be as pleased as if she just worked on a class project and you noticed something cool about it. And say it if you really mean it, don't just say it to get points. Like one guy I know doesn't compliment very well; it's like he hasn't thought about it. He'll point to something I'm wearing and say, "Oh look! You're wearing a necklace!" And I'm like, "Yeah...? And your point is...?" (I think that, I don't say it...) So, that's what I think. Hope it helps.

Well, it would help if you don't make him feel like a total toad. And try to do it face to face, if you can. Tell him you've valued the past eight months, that you feel you could talk to him about almost anything, but that you need to break up with him because things aren't working out and you're unhappy. Go ahead and reassure him that there are many things you like about him, but be firm that this is your final decision. Let him cry for a bit, listen to him, but then tell him you need to leave. Good luck.

A guy who is positive, enthusiastic, encouraging, interested in life. Someone who cares about other people. A guy who has perspective and doesn't let little things bother him. A guy who knows what's important to him. Similarly, a guy who has his own personality and thoughts, not someone who's always playing for others' attention. About surrendering: A man who plans ahead (or know what he wants to do), which includes on a date, if he has thought about what we might enjoy doing together. But, the man has to communicate as well, not just be a bulldog. He needs to keep the woman updated: "I was thinking we'd do such-and-such tonight. First, we'll stop off at ... for a bite to eat..." It's all about the communication, not about making himself look great or puffing himself up. Plus it helps if a guy is physically comfortable, neither hesitant nor aggressive. A friendly touch on the shoulder shows interest but isn't rude, for example. About looking like you don't care about someone, well, that's tough. But sometimes it helps to pay attention to someone else. Or, just keep saying to yourself, "I'm no longer interested in her. I'm over her." Soon you'll believe it. Well, hope some of this helped.

He's freaking out because he feels inadequate. He can't solve your problem. He wants you to feel happy, but since you keep telling him about your problems, he feels he's incapable of helping you become happier. Maybe one of the guys here could explain it better, but that's what I think it is. And you know, as tough as your situation is (your past, that is) and as much as you want him to understand you, it's not his responsibility to fix things. It's not that he doesn't care, it's that he truly can't handle it anymore. Ease off on him, if you can, so you can continue to have a happy relationship.

Hi sparrow, Sounds like you could use a little hope. Well, I understand. Regret over missed opportunities can really be awful. But please don't think it's the end of the world. Really, there isn't just one path in life. So many people get second chances, whether that's a second chance at love, or with friends, or in school, or in their careers. If one door has closed, another one will open up. Believe me on that. I've had many second chances, thank God. One thing that makes regret so bad is feeling like "I should have..." or "I screwed up." Hey -- no one, absolutely no one, is perfect. We've all missed the boat at one time or other. Some people's mistakes have been really really awful, but still, they learn to move on and look ahead to something good. So let's not beat ourselves up over being human, okay? I think that seeing a counselor is just fine. If your school offers the service for free, go try it out. Nothing to lose, and something to gain. I hope you feel better soon.

I totally agree with Gilgamesh. Your issues with your ex are more than your bf can handle. He could listen, that's true, but I think you're expecting waaay more than is healthy. You do have a shrink, so that's good. Also, if you don't have close girlfriends, I'd suggest you spend some time developing some. Girls are so much better at handling emotional issues (for one thing, we're more interested in them). Don't burden your bf. Just enjoy your relationship and channel most of your negative thoughts and emotions elsewhere. Good luck. P.S. Sorry to hear you've been cutting. I hope your depression or whatever starts to ease up. Take care, okay?

Just go ahead and get to know him. Sure, you think he's hot, and he probably thinks you're cute too. But don't waste more time wondering "does he like me" -- just start to act like his friend. Then, time will tell if you two will really hit it off beyond the crush stage. Anyway, we can always use more friends. Cheers!

I agree with daisies. You could also try to ask her questions while you're on the phone, if you don't already. Sometimes people who aren't feeling engaged in the conversation just shut up, so it'll end. Are you going on and on about something she's not interested in, or doesn't know anything about? Some of the best conversations are the ones where people share things in common. Hope it all works out!

It seems like there are two things going on. First, she's feeling very angry for some reason, and isn't handling it very well. People should be able to get mad without resorting to freezing the other person out. Try to think about what makes her mad, though -- is there any pattern? Maybe she feels mad at you for doing something, but hasn't been able to tell you what it is. This will go on unless you two have a heart to heart talk. The other thing, about her not seeming to care about you, that's more of a problem. If she's genuinely not being interested in you, it's not fair to you. That seems selfish to me. She needs to give to you, too. Again, talk it over. Let her know what you think and feel, without being accusing or desperate/needy. Tell her about the things you are observing ("I notice that sometimes ...") and tell her why it concerns you. Then ask for her opinion. Well, it's a start. Good luck.

Hi Saku, I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so bummed. About your therapist, she doesn't seem like she's helping you at all. Sometimes you have to try a couple different therapists before you find one you like. So, find another one and try him/her for awhile. Don't stay with someone who isn't working for you. This is your life, you can choose another option. (That's part of the fun of life -- choosing!) I respect you for coming to this site and asking for help. That's a good step. I want to encourage you to try volunteering for something -- helping someone else out. People who have needs (seniors, homeless, kids) are sometimes more open and genuine than people who feel like they've got it all together. When I volunteer, I feel like I get something back. People are *really* appreciative when you help them out, and it makes you feel good, too. If you can, go find one or more community service agencies and ask them if they need help with anything. Tell them what types of things you can do (that you enjoy doing). Try it out. See what happens. If it works out, you'll have something of your own -- you'll feel less rejection and more satisfaction in life. I hope some of this helps, Saku.

What a great insight! I'd never thought of that before. I tend to hang around the door. Thanks for sharing it, Sparrow.

Sometimes the good looking people -- guys or gals -- are also the most confident, and that's what people like. They're confident because throughout their whole lives, people have responded positively to them. They look good, and people like that. Plus, good looking people have lots more opportunities to develop their social skills than uglier people. I mean, really. People come up to them, or strike up a conversation with them, or invite them to do stuff because they seem nice (or desirable). Maybe that makes life unfair, but I think it's the way human nature is. Plus, people really are shallow to some degree. We all like to look at something or someone who's beautiful, don't we?

Hey, that's no good, her hiding her relationship with you. Sure, what her friends think is important, but she's gotta realize that what YOU think is important. Tell her it'd really mean a lot to you to have the relationship out in the open, no ifs ands or buts. Her friends should like her no matter who she's dating, or they're not much of friends...

Thanks for letting us know how it went, Sparrow. I appreciate the update. Those situations are just difficult, no two ways about it. But it sounds like you didn't have a total meltdown (I would have!), so good for you. Now, the meeting is over, so you really can relax and focus on your own thing. You seem like a good person, Sparrow. Able to reflect and learn. Just remember to keep moving ahead a day at a time. Take it easy.

What your friend said about her wanting to talk with you is confusing, 'cause if she really wanted to talk, she wouldn't ignore you. So, maybe your friend is mistaken. Well, the best thing you could do is find a friend both you and she trust, and ask that person to let her know you're sorry if you scared her by asking her out. You didn't mean to scare her and that you're interested in being friendly -- nothing more. Then just be cool about it. Smile at her, but don't try to talk to her one on one. Maybe just in a group. If she's worth anything, she'll eventually come around and be friendly. As other people have said, if she doesn't want to be friendly, that's her tough luck. You just go about and make friends with the others and be confident in who you are. It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. There's just been a misunderstanding and she's behaving a little badly.