misslonelyheart

Thanks Tadpole.. I really hope that we can get things back on when he returns but I am well aware that that might not happen. I know that he didn't want to go through what he went through when his ex went away for a year and he said that he didn't want me to go through that either, so maybe he is distancing himself to save me from missing him and vice versa. I think he wanted to go to Italy with no ties and a clean slate and was worried about getting too attached to me. This is me trying to put a positive slant on it of course! I don't feel that I can get in touch to ask him for a better explanation because he (obviously!) doesn't want to stay in touch and if I emailed/texted him, I worry that he would think that I am finding excuses to contact him and I wouldn't want to appear clingy.

Thanks for your thoughts. I find it strange that he doesn't want to stay in touch at all rather than saying that we will but just as friends, seeing as we were friends before we got involved and he wanted work colleagues to let him know what was going on back home, the gossip, etc... I'd like to think, if anything, that it is because he likes me so much that it hurts to hear anything at all from me as it makes him miss me more - but sadly, I don't think I quite make that kind of impact on people!! oh well! I suppose the most likely thing is that he has met someone else out there and would feel uncomfortable with catch up emails and texts if it meant telling me about the other person - so no contact at all is easier for him ...but I guess I will never know.. why can't people just be straight with you? I would much rather know the truth, however hurtful so I can just get on and deal with it rather than be constantly wondering what I did wrong. :sad:

Hi, Hope you can help. After months of ifs, buts and maybes, I finally got up the courage to ask out a guy I work with last October. He said that he had fancied me for ages but was still smarting from a breakup a year previously and wasn't sure that he was ready to get involved again but he said yes anyway!. Only problem was that he was due to leave for Italy for a year in two weeks time! We had a really amazing two weeks and got on really well and he made hints that he had fallen for me quite hard. We kept in touch after he went to Italy with regular texts, emails and phone calls and he visited me between Xmas and New Year and I went out to him for a weekend in January and he was very upset when I had to leave. But in the subsequent weeks I noticed that the calls stopped and the emails and texts were becoming few and far between. I finally sent him a text asking if he still wanted to stay in touch, if not, I'd rather know. I got an email reply saying that he had to be honest and say that it was "too difficult with him living in another country". So I think I will not hear from him again. I am not sure whether this is a polite way of saying he has just gone off me or that he has met someone else but it seems strange as he was really, really into me and said he was missing me a lot. So maybe he finds it too hard emotionally and would rather not have contact as it upsets him? He went through this with a previous girlfriend who went away for a year and said that he was utterly miserable with her being away, so maybe he doesn't want to go through that again. Is there any chance that even though he doesn't want to stay in touch while he is in Italy, when he comes back that we could get the relationship back on? Has this happened to anyone else that although you decided to not stay in touch while apart because it was too painful, things were back on when they/you returned?

I emailed him to let him know that I saw him and that he looked right at me and carried on walking even though he had emailed previously to say that he wanted to say hello! I was going to leave it alone but my anger got the better of me. I was angry that he made a big deal of wanting to say hello but then ignored me. The email was light though, I didn't show any anger in it. He replied that he didn't see me and that he was sorry. That's it, nothing more, so DCMann2, you are right, I guess I know for sure now that he wants nothing other than for me not to forget him! I am pretty sure that he will send me another meaningless email in a few months time. I wonder if he is just p1ssed off because since we broke up nearly 18 months ago, I have made no effort to stay friends with him, have made no contact whatsoever with him (apart from the aforementioned email - my only slip so far!!), not tried to see him or talk to him at all. I don't think he is used to that. I believe that previous girlfriends have chased, pleaded, begged, etc. I wonder if he is doing this to provoke me into pleading for him to come back, to fuel his ego? oh well.......

Well, not really..... What was the point of the emails saying he wanted to say hello? Is he just trying to mess with me for some reason? just don't get it.

well, I got those "thought I saw you, can I say hello?" emails about 3 months ago. I said he could and he said "Then I will. Take care" This morning, we walked right past each other in the street - he looked at me and carried on walking..... ....so much for wanting to say hello. The t0sser.

It makes me feel that the whole point of this contact was to see if he could get me to respond, "take care" feels like he is saying: "ha, ha I still have power over you, I had fun with my little game, now you can p1ss off" ](*,)

Thanks Ladybug and Scout. I don't get the feeling that he wants to come back. I don't know what this contact was all about - possibly just an attack of guilt and nothing more. If so, I think it is very selfish of him. I doubt very much that I will hear anything from him again. Oddly, the thing that upsets me the most is his use of the term "take care". I don't know why really, I just find that term really patronising. It seems to say "take care, although really I don't actually care very much what happens to you anymore but I have to say that to pretend that I do so people think I am a nice guy and not a total sh1t for walking out on you" It is funny that, after everything that has happened, it is these two, simple little words that seem to hurt the most.

Well, I ignored the first email. Then week and a bit later, I get another email saying same thing as before, that he saw me at station and wanted to say hello, would it be ok to say hello. I emailed back saying that it might have been me as I was at that station, I said that I was fine and that I hoped he was ok. He emailed straight back asking again it is ok to say hello. I left it for a day, then emailed back and simply said that if he wanted to say hello, he can. He emailed straight back again with "Then I will. Take care" So that's that then. I feel that he has messed me about and I feel stupid for indulging him in his little email game. Not sure what he was playing at. I doubt very much that I will hear from him again. Was he just mucking me about to see if he could get me to respond so he could feel powerful over me? At least I was polite and was neutral with him and hopefully came accross as though I didn't care either way. Thanks everyone.

Thanks for the replies. Scout, you are right in that I feel that I don't really know why he ended the relationship. He did the usual "it's not you, it's me" and said confusing things like "I could live with you for ever, I love you but I don't love you" - stuff that just didn't really seem solid. I believe that he left me for someone else because of the suddeness of it all. I know that people say there are always signs but you choose not to see them but, really, in my case there were no signs whatsoever that he was at all unhappy until about 3 days before he left. I am a sensitive person and pick up very easily on peoples mood changes and know when things aren't right with someone and he showed no signs at all. We were very happy, did all our usual things, having a laugh, took time off together and had plans, so him falling for someone else seems like the only real explanation - but I don't know this for sure. Starion, in the relationship you mention, did you break up with her or vice versa? and why did you contact her after 9 months - had you been thinking about her the whole time or just suddenly one day felt that you needed to talk to her? What happened after you contacted her - did you get back together? I am not sure what to do in my situation, should I email a Hello back and see what happens - is he testing the waters to see if I am open to communication? or did he just simply want to say hello? (which, as I said, is odd because he never has anything to do with ex's normally - I think he likes to pretend we never existed so that he can void out the failures and start afresh and maybe feel less guilty???) I think ultimately, I would take him back if he wanted to come back as I do still love him. I also feel that he has been very selfish in contacting me as he must know that it stirs up feelings again that I was doing very well to get over. Oh well!

Hi, My boyfriend broke up with me just over a year ago. It was very sudden and so I believe that he was already seeing someone else and left me for them (we were together for 5 years and living together for 4 and a half years) We have had no contact since then, apart from two text messages from him asking if I was ok after the July London bombings (I work in London) and asking if my family was ok after the Buncefield Oil depot fire. I simply replied on both occasions that I/my family were fine, and nothing more. I have made no attempt to contact him whatsoever and the last time we actually saw and talked to each other face to face was in March last year. I got an email from him out of the blue a couple of days ago saying that he thought he saw me at a railway station and didn't know whether to say hello so didn't but emailed instead to say hello. I am not sure what to do or how to interpret this. I know that he has never had anything remotely to do with any of his previous ex's before - once he leaves, he never contacts them - so I am surprised to hear from him. I did not want the relationship to end and I do still love him (despite my efforts to hate him!!) I don't want to make something out of nothing but if there was a chance that he was reconsidering his decision, should I email "hello" back to try to get some communication going or just leave things alone and not reply? Like I said, I don't want to read something in it that isn't there, so I would appreciate any advice. Thanks

In the case of a friend of mine, her boyfriend dumped her after 3 years together and they had no contact at all, apart from one accidental bumping into each other at which nothing much was said apart from "hello". She thought that it was pretty much all over as they hadn't contacted each other at all - complete NC - but 8 months later, he calls her wanting to get back together and they are still going strong after about 7 months now and seem pretty happy. Gives me a bit of hope anyway.

Good luck! Hope it goes well and keep us posted.

absolutely...go for it. it's every man for himself in this game!

I totally agree with Nataliejulie. You don't just walk away without having discussed the problems with the other person. People expect relationships to be perfect without having to do any of the work - their partner should be perfect, should be able to read their minds and when this inevitably doesn't happen, they walk away and think they will find that perfection elsewhere - the so called "grass is greener" syndrome, and, guess what?...the same thing happens again. I think that this is the worse part of being a dumpee, especially when the dumping was totally unexpected, and please don't tell me that there are always signs and that dumpees just ignore them, that is total cr@p. There is always that feeling that something could have saved the relationship, if we had been told what the problems were, we could have worked on them and maybe, just maybe, things could have improved, the relationship saved, but we are not given that chance. If things don't work out after having at least tried, fair enough, but give us that chance. I think it is sad that people give up on relationships so easily.