The Morrigan

LOL, my hair is naturally a light golden brown that goes blondish easily - and I tend to go darker, either dark red, burgandy, or black Ok, guess I'm the exception, but I like different things!

I don't think it really controls your whole life at all - but if you're not attracted to who someone is, you can't force yourself to be attracted, plain and simple. Logic forces us to rtry to explain it in terms of "what we want" from an ideal guy or girl, but funny thing is, much of the time who we end up with ends up defying a LOT of what we thought we wanted when that attaction is there. And then, it doesn't matter - traits we thought would be a complete turn off seem new and refreshing, things we thought we "had" to have seem insignficant, because we're attracted to the whole package, and it makes little difference how much they resemble someone else! The guys I've been interested in have had VERY little in common - except that I liked them enough to really enjoy them, and was attracted to them in one way or another. If the spark isn't there, even the person otherwise matching every little detail we thought we wanted can't make it spring into existence - no need for it to be related to specific things about them. And it can be very frustrating to try to explain to people why you're not attracted to someone who, on the face of it, you figure you SHOULD be!

If you can, print out some of the posts here with info and show them to him, or better yet, direct him on in, we won't bite! Sometimes reading and posting alone helps a bit knowing how many are in the same boat he's bailing with a tin can at the moment!

Sounds like you need to sit down and have a heart to heart honest talk with her. Something on the lines of "look, I know you're seeing X, and I'm happy for you. At the same time, friensdhip takes time and effort as well - and I'm feeling a little left by the wayside at the moment. Is it too much to ask to find some "friend time" once a week or so to make sure we keep in touch as well?" and ask her to make firm plans in advance she can plan around. Then she's not ending up having last minute plans with him conflicting with getting a call from you or other friends - she can tell him well in advance that X day and time she's made plans with her friends, and they can make their plans on other days. Unfortunately this happens a lot, especially in the early stages of relationships, in the excitement of the new romance friends who are always there and always have been end up coming second to the person they're trying to make a relationship with. Most people don't really realize how much it hurts their friends either, just like family, they tend to get taken for granted. See if talking to her helps - I know it's something even I have inadvertently done without realizing it too, though now I try to watch myself for it!

Sorry man, we were having some problems with people not being able to reply or stay logged in, fixed now though we think... If you already know he wouldn't have a problem with it - go for it. If you're in any doubt, talk to him, but she's not an ex - you've said he probably would go for her if you don't move fast enough - so... if you want to try to date her yourself might want to get friendly with her now instead of wishing you'd tried knowing he will

I'd tell him more like you'd be willing to hear him out, but he has to understand it if you can't completely trust his intentions just yet - and let HIM prove himself - stay in that driver's seat there - willing to listen, not desperate enough to jump though. Make sense? (Wish I'd had my own advice to go by years ago -_- lol)

Honestly - it shouldn't have, but it SHOULD have served as a wake up call she can't walk away and still expect you to be waiting around like leftover dinner in the fridge for when there's no other options. Of course she's pissed - it was probably quite a shock to see that you're not pining and moping - but actually "gasp* talking to a female and enjoying it. But ANY ex, when they've made the decision to end a relationship, needs to realize you can't have the attitude of "well, I'm not sure I want you - but I don't want anyone else to have you either!" Either she'll be thinking one of two things - that she's misjudged you as far as waiting for her while she waffles deciding what she wants, and have to do some real thinking about just that - or that you were trying to make her jealous. Since you didn't see her at first - more than likely the first. In which case - it's not so much you she's pissed off at as herself for creating the situation in the first place. Give her a bit to settle down and think a bit - if she's interested in getting back together she's probably going to try to find out in some way just where the land lies, through friends or by questioning you directly. If she was pissed though - she's going to wonder just how much she has to be pissed about now; "was it a date?" "is he seeing her?" "is he seeing other people?" "did I throw away something I shouldn't have?" This time though - it's not you confronting her - it's her confronting herself and her own feelings, which isn't easy - and it's something she is going to have to work through to see for herself WHY she'd be upset since she broke up with you.

Because he decided he said he loved me too quickly and wasn't so sure after all, my fault because I was "cute" so he "couldn't help it."

If Friday nights get to you and you already know that - see about getting involved in something that will give you firm plans for then AND that you'll feel good about, whether it's joining a team sport or special interest club that has meetings then, signing up for a martial arts class that meets that night, or even making it a SPECIFIC night for something you and your friends can do if there's something you all enjoy in common. Volunteer for something if that's something that interests you - anything that you can walk away with a sense of doing something for you that doesn't specifically depend on other people. You can't control her behaviour or how she chooses to make herself feel more important or significant - but you can control what you do - so see what you can do about making sure you don't fall into the trap she seems to have - get the focus back on yourself and what makes you feel you're getting somewhere.

link removed on alcoholic psychosis or dementia (from what you describe, doubtful, generally it's long term alcoholism common age group of 40-48 years old) That said - alcohol can still seriously change someone's personality when they're drinking. It's NOT unusual at all for someone to become markedly more aggressive, or depressed, or euphoric and egomaniacal when they're drinking - different people react in different ways. link removed Schizophrenia myths and facts - this doesn't really sound like it fits either, since violence is rarely associated with it. Violent behavior isn't statistically associated with mental illness - it's a problem all it's own - he may have had experiences growing up that have shaped his behavior this way. It's still a problem, but not necessarily a disease per se, something he should be getting counseling for though for anger management and control issues. Hitting you was NOT acceptable. How long ago was his behaviour his friend described? Has there been any recent incidents? Has he been seeking you out in any way since the breakup? How long ago did you break up? If he does start harassing you or stalking you - get a restraining order. If he says anything to his friends about going after you, ask them to write an affadavit, get it notorized, and get a restraining order. Play it safe.

Since he's your ex's friend - if he is attracted and wants to date you, if he thinks it could be an issue he should really be the one to talk to your ex and ask him how he feels about him dating you. See where things look like they're going, and if it comes up, ask him how he feels about it - and if he's worried at all he can talk to your ex (his friend) and check to see if he has any issues with it, though if he's dating someone else or interested in someone else it's less likely than if he was trying to get back with you.

I hope they pass it - it's gotten to the point people can try to sue for their OWN lack of judgement or weaknesses. Places that provide a service should not have to babysit adults and tell them "you're overweight, thereforeeee you should be buying the salad, I can't sell you those fries," any more than an appliance salesman should have to say "you're overweight - so I can only sell you the exercise equipment, not the TV or videogames." People need to be responsible for their own choices and actions.

I agree - it only works if the person in question is SURE they really want to be caught, and often if not being sure of the other party was the cause for not making a move, or even breaking up. Or if they're particularly susceptible to guilt - though that's something I don't think is wise. Let me put it this way... I've had 5 months of this treatment (declarations of love, flowers, constant calls, begging) on and off and after me saying I needed space to think and see if I still wanted to work on my marriage or not. Now, I'm not a flighty person - but there were enough trust issues to sink a ship, anger issues, control issues, you name it. What the result has been is no more joint outings, set visitations, and me bordering on getting a restraining order. Had there not been my children involved - I would have had one by now. From my side I felt like he was trying to control me again, and completely disregarding and disrespecting what I'd asked for, not to mention implying I didn't have the sound judgement to know what I needed or be able to decide on my own what I wanted. I felt pushed, cornered, and hunted like a stag. What it did was reinforced some of the problems from the relationship, and made me distrust him even more than I did. What I saw was him putting what he wanted in front of what I needed at the time - "I need space to recover and see what I want to do," was responded to with "me me me!" Both selfish and needy. All the bad things in the relationship have been kept at the front of my mind, and completely obliterated anything good. I found myself dreading every time the phone rang anticipating yet another guilt trip or conflict. I started snapping at my kids, my friends, and everyone around me because I was stressed to the breaking point. When I wasn't snapping I was so worn out I didn't want to get out of bed. It doesn't have anything to do with being haughty - but with respect and with allowing the "bad" things to fade a little in the face of "missing" the good things shared. And of allowing them to be in the position of controlling what they're comfortable with. Bottom line - if she wants to be heavily courted it's one thing - but if you've had strong indications to back off, you could, no, probably WILL push her further away. And if she's really annoyed stalking her could get you slapped with a restraining order. As far as her friends go - if you're friends with them it's one thing to listen if they tell you she's unsure and let them know overtures would be welcome, but if you patronize them solely to try to pressure her it could reallllllly piss her off. The letter she could well have taken the wrong way, but I'd be careful if you want to straighten that out to leave it at something like "I'm sorry if my letter came accross wrongly - I was really just trying to let you know I respect your judgement even though I do still miss you, I didn't want to come accross as questioning your decision or disrespecting what you wanted," and leave it there. Calm, mature, and not pressing the issue or backing her into a corner.

I'm gonna go at this backwards... I don't think it's something you'd have to tell her on a first date - hell, you might not want to take her on a second one after being around her if it's someone you haven't spent a lot of time with before or vice versa, and if you don't hit it off, well, no need to get into more personal things. However, when you get to the point you know you want an exclusive relationship and have that conversation, then I think would be the time to tell her. I'm not sure how old you are - some girls may have second thoughts - but in all honesty, any one who would run at that point isn't someone who would be of any support to you, and whose reactions might make you feel worse when it hits, so you're better off being open about it at that point. You don't have to be dramatic about it, just tell her like you said here, and if she has any questions, to ask. A girl who is really into you and cares about you is likely to want to know what the score is and want to be able to help, not run - and that's really what you should want for yourself. You don't want to end up feeling you have to hide it like a guilty secret. If you really liked a girl enough to want her as a girlfriend, would you be put off by her telling you she was diabetic? You might know some guys who would - and wouldn't think much of them for it either, and the same goes here. Yeah, it can make things tougher in a relationship - but it's better to find out upfront if it's something that she can handle than to be IN one and have her bail on you the first time you get really down and make you feel even worse. A girl worth being in a relationship with isn't going to be put off so easily.

Sounds like somewhere along the line his idea of what he thinks you want, and what you really had in mind, weren't matching. Doesn't sound so much like this is a case of "getting him back" as making it clear to him you're not demanding a lifetime committment from him, but want to keep seeing him and keep in the same kind of touch and see if things still go well. Unless I've got it wrong, neither of you are seeing anyone else, but you're not ready for planning to be together permanently - which is perfectly ok. See if you can get to where you're on the same page as far as what a "relationship" at the distance means to you, and work from there.

Hoping - I was about to suggest the same thing! Try using the time he's spending with your baby as "me time," even if it's to go for a walk, grocery shop, etc. Go visit a friend, drive around, anyting that gets you away for a bit. Let him sort through getting comfortable with being a dad as a separate issue from the two of you - it can be a lot to digest for someone who was living the bachelor life when reality hits. It'll also keep you from rushing to help with things like when his son cries, needs a diaper change, bottle, anything, and these are things he needs to do indepently to bond well with his son. No, he might not do them the same exact way you do - but that's ok, it's an area he'll do better if he finds his own confidence than trying to do things to your standards, and your son's not going to be critical. Not only will you get some time to unwind a little - but he'll get the hands on experience without being as nervous as if someone else is there watching him. He'll probably enjoy and adapt better at being a daddy with a little freedom to do it his way - and it'll be less pressure and burden, and more pleasure. Good luck, and take care.

Let her go on her trip - and no matter HOW tempting, do NOT call her or email her on her return - the timing would be as if it was "pick me or him" and you know how most people react when they feel that's the case. She'd be bound and determined to feel like she had to defend him, even if things DIDN'T go well. Don't give in to the urge to see how things went, or ask for information - in this case, I think an appearance of disinterest or neutral interest will serve you much better, if she's really to consider at all that the grass isn't greener, she can't see you as a safety net who will be waiting no matter how long it takes her to dither. You can't miss something if you don't really feel like you've lost it or might lose it, but still have it well in hand.

link removed This one has a variety of products similar to and including the one - and information on how to pick, use etc, as well as free samples including of dermablend if you want to try before you invest.

The only thing I can think of that might help is some waterproof stage makeup, which also won't be cheap, but especially in summer the over the counter stuff isn't gonna be very waterproof or sweatproof - if there's any cosmetologists listed in the phone book they might be able to give you some tips if you call them up, or tell you where you can get something that will do the job of covering them. This one is recommended by some SI sites for scarring, including surgical and burn scarring, but it's not cheap... at the same time it's supposed to hold even through working out etc. link removed

From reading through some sites, some things to watch for if she's telling the truth... Is she more subdued in his presense? What was her demeanor like when she came to you to tell you? Did she have to be coaxed at all to give you detaills, or did you inadvertently give her any "hints" by asking "did he" questions she could say yes or no to? If you ask her again, is there embellishment without any seeming discomfort on her part, any shame or embarrassment? As avman said, most children don't come forward eagerly with something like this, but more hesitantly, with at the least some shame or fear, not belligerence. You know her - what apart from her history of hating the men you've dated is making you doubt her? I would hate to think she would lie about something this serious to drive you apart - but if you do determine she's lying, whether it's because she admits it directly, or it simply becomes obvious by what she's saying - I'd consider some family counseling for the three of you to get to the bottom of why she's so threatened as to go this far to keep you single, since it's well above and beyond what most young teens would do.

It sounds like you really have a set of issues and dilemmas here and not just one or two. So far you're doing things right it seems - your focus has been on the children, you're getting counseling, you're being responsible and doing what you can to keep things together as far as the family side goes. The drug use concerns me as well, not sure what drugs you're talking about, but when the kids are involved, "cutting back" IMO doesn't cut it. Is this relatd to the guy she's hanging out with, or is this something that's been an issue before? Either way, you were well within your rights to give an ultimatum on this one. One thing to avoid which it seems you've been doing well so far is butting up against this guy putting her in a "it's him or me!" situation where she'll feel obligated to stick to what she wants, even if it's against her better judgement. Keep contact limited to "family things" as much as possible - while being able to have some "family time" with the kids WITH her is a nice thought on occasion, while things are this up in the air, don't let yourself get trapped into the "have not" position where you're expected to be available - but she's got all the freedom to do as she wishes. More is said by actions than all the words in the world - when you're taking care of the kids, doing things with them, and being able to do these things with or without her is when she has the outside view so to speak, so look and see if she wants to be a part of it instead of on the outside. Stephen put a lot of it quite well - she obviously still has doubts, or she wouldn't be trying to maintain contact to the extent she is. One of the biggest things is anything you do tell her - be prepared to live up to it. Trust is one of the hardest things to build, and from experience, having someone tell you they've changed and then doing things that make a mockery of that can erode any chance of being able to rely on anything a person says or does for good. How much contact you have apart from the things you have to have contact for really depends on how you feel about it - if you can stick to playing it cool, or if it's going to set you back emotionally or be a battle not to bring up relationship issues before she's ready. And also deciding what you REALLY want from her and from yourself in terms of a relationship if you do discuss reconciling eventually. Take the time now to really focus on yourself, on your newfound closeness with your kids, and see what starts becoming clearer after the dust settles a little more so to speak. It's better to take your time if you're thinking of rebuilding your relationship with her than rushing in too fast and ending up with old habits that start pulling you into similar patterns with each other, the ones that caused some of the problems to begin with. You've already made a great start by going into counseling, make sure you follow through and don't end up throwing away all you're learning. Take care of yourself, and keep us posted on how you're doing.

I said "initially attract some girls" and generally, less experienced ones (no offense) when it's still hard to see what's confidence and what's arrogance. Will some girls be attracted initially by that? Yes. How long does it take most of the ones with a healthy self esteem to be turned off by it? Not very. There's a line between having enough confidence to be able to talk and flirt without being self conscious, and being arrogant "I can have whoever I want" that becomes apparent, and while yes, some girls are attracted by the seemingly unobtainable, so are some guys, it's not a sex limited thing. Look, while you might be initially attracted to a chick who's flirty, cute, and outgoing, how long are you going to STAY attracted if she makes it clear she thinks much more highly of herself than of you, and she thinks she's entitled to special treatment to keep her? That attitude wears thin fast coming from either sex - while they might get initial attention, they're not any more than "fun to flirt with, bad news as a bf/gf" material, and most of us get enough sense to steer clear after getting burned before getting even as far as dating. In between slave and master? Someone who will invest equal effort into a relationship, have their own ideas and opinions regardless of mine, but respect mine as well. I expect to invest effort into a guy if I want it returned - but I don't expect to have to bust my butt for the equivalent of a pat on the head either. I like doing the little things for my guy, I expect him to think of me enough to do the same. And if I'm being particularly snappy, I expect he'll have the brass to tell me I'm being unreasonable and not just say "whatever you say dear..." to avoid conflict. Same in reverse. To me, that's part of respecting not just the person you're in a relationship with, but yourself. How could I respect someone who doesn't respect himself? And I don't expect a guy to respect me if I don't respect myself either. If I want fawning, I'll get a puppy. If a guy expects fawning from me, I'll get HIM a puppy and show him the door.

There's also a pointed difference between when a girl is referring to a "nice guy" as a gentle letdown and a "nice guy" to her girlfriends as a guy she'd like to get to know better. It's a struggle to try to explain to a guy who is nice, attractive, and who you think you should be attracted to and aren't WHY, and this is a phrase that often comes out. (and I think leads to a lot of misunderstanding) It's not being nice that's unattractive though - it's a very individual thing, and while jerks with attitude might initially attract some girls, they won't keep any who have any self esteem for long. My first ex started as a "nice guy" (a little geeky in a way, intelligent, shy, sweet) and turned into "Mr Me First Jerk" and the intelligence and personality that attracted me sure wasn't worth the misery of keeping him around. Now, I wouldn't want a doormat either, that's the other extreme, but if I go into a relationship I also expect to be treated well - if a guy can't give me that, he can take his games elsewhere. In short, I don't want someone I can walk all over - but I sure won't take being WALKED all over either. I imagine a lot of girls can relate to that, you want a partner, not a "master," and not a "slave."

She gave you her number - by all means, use it. Sounds like she was more than receptive to the idea of hearing from you, so don't wait so long she has to wonder if you're interested or if she's just a backup plan, ring her up and chat her up, ask her if she'd like to go out sometime

Honey, though I doubt they have any idea what they're putting you through - it's unfair, and they need to know the position they're putting you in. You have a right to love both your parents, regardless of how they feel about each other. I'd sit down and tell them separately something like this, "Mom/dad, I know how you feel about dad/mom - but he's still my dad/mom, I'm still his child as well as yours, and when you talk badly about each other to me or in front of me, you're hurting me, tearing me up emotionally. Please try and let me keep both of you as parents I can care about freely instead of feeling like I'm having to take sides or be a part of your feelings towards each other, and let me grow up as both of your child, not stuck in the middle between you." You have the right to be a child of theirs, not a friend, confidante, or vent for them - I doubt they're thinking clearly of the position they're putting you in, but... they need to know how badly they're hurting you before they can change the way they're acting. And it's ok to let them know, and stick up for yourself a little for your own rights as well as make them see what they're doing - they'd probably feel a lot worse not finding out for more years what they're putting you through, so give them a chance to do something about it.