sayer7

If y'alls relationship is serious, ask yourself this: Are you comfortable with her being your children's step-mother?? Knowing that she wants her own place to get away from the kids when she's not in the mood to deal with them, wouldn't you worry about her true committment level? Would you want a stepmother that would literally, physically, BAIL on your kids when they needed her just because she didn't feel like dealing with them? Are you two going to keep an apartment throughout y'all MARRIAGE so that she has a place to escape when she's not in the mood to deal with the kids???? Personally, I think y'all need to have a SERIOUS heart-to-heart with her about HER committment level. If she wants to be with you, let her know YOUR CHILDREN are a part of you-- if she wants to be with you, she needs to accept ALL parts of you including your children. If your primary committment is to your kids and you feel as though she's trying to force you to pick between her and your children, let her know your CHILDREN will ALWAYS come first.... that there IS NO competition and that she needs to get a more mature, responsible outlook on the relationship. Just my two cents... I really don't know all the facets of the problem, but it does sound like she might be jealous of the attention you give your children and may be trying to make you choose between her or your kids.... and that's just not fair, realistic, or mature of her.

You might want to spend your energy more wisely if you're considering getting him back a third time. It's clear that you bent over backwards to make the relationship work the second time around and everything you did was for naught.... mainly because it's not what you do that makes him "love you enough", but something within HIM that needs to change to make him "love you enough." And unfortunately, you cannot change him no matter what you do, no matter how much you change to accommodate him, or how much you bend over backwards to make the relationship with him work. I would spend your energy making yourself stronger and healing from this relationship. In time I think you'll get over him if you give yourself patience and learn to love yourself more (not that you don't love yourself-- but I think you've spent so much time trying to change for him that you've forgotten how it feels to change for YOU just because it makes YOU feel like a stronger, better person. No other motive beyond becoming a better person and refreshing your outlook on life and people.) Focus on improving yourself right now... workout, do things that lift your self-esteem and confidence. In time you'll grow to become a stronger person for your next relationship with whomever you choose to go into a relationship with. Hope this helps some... take care of yourself.

No. I've been in relationships with a 10-14year age gap and we got along fine. The only problem was they were at a different stage in life than I was-- I was either still in school or trying to begin a career and they wanted a wife that would stay at home, take care of the kids, not work or go to school. I wasn't ready for that. The age difference you're talking about doesn't sound very big but you may still have life-stage conflicts. My parents have a 4 years age difference and they were elementary, middle, high school and college sweethearts... they've also been married for over 36 years. I wouldn't worry about that small of an age difference right now.

If a guy doesn't have enough morals or ethics to be truthful, then he'd lie on anything-- the bible or his mother's grave. The show and dance is just a show a dance. Make him PROVE he hasn't lied and the truth will be revealed. Being in the Criminal Justice field I generally take a more cynical view of people and rely more on hard evidence than a person's word. Too many people lie in this world for absolutely no reason... so what's to keep a person from lying who HAS a reason to lie? Gather the evidence and judge for yourself.

Here's a rather informative website on goth groups/visigoth tribes that I found that was pretty good. Briefly addresses some of the misperceptions of Goth groups, and gives some history about Visigoth tribes from Roman times. On a personal level, although I'm not Goth, my brother is. It took a long time for my super-conservative parents to understand that he wasn't some super-violent, depressed, satan worshipper wishing he were in Hell- or some such nonsense. I asked him once about what fascinates him about Gothic culture and he said its about "seeing the light in the darkness and seeing beauty in ugliness." He usually gives me hair advice too (lol). We're both asian so we both have long black hair. His hair is longer than mine and he keeps it cut to about his butt and is probably the most beautiful, sleekest black hair I've ever seen. lol But that's just a side note. But his hair IS revered in his local Goth community- mostly because it's natural and the deepest black that most try to achieve- but with hair dye. Give people time and be patient with them. There's a lot of misperceptions out there. I know that a lot of the Goth community my brother hangs out with are actually very peaceful and make it a point to be non-violent. They all strive to show people "the light in the darkness and the beauty in ugliness".... Try to do the same and learn more about your Goth culture so you can inform others who don't know and only rely on popular conceptions of what Goth is.

The question here is not if he should defend himself from his father, it's more a question of how to make the abuse stop completely and the best ways to achieve this permanently and NOT have to spend time in jail or prison. Self-defense is one thing, and of course everyone is allowed to defend themselves. HOWEVER, he should seek non-violent ways to make the beatings stop first... this means telling authorities so that his father is LEGALLY dealt with. I work as a researcher in the criminal justice field and work for many victim assistance agencies, domestic violence units in the United States and also for the United Nations as a victimology consultant. I review about two dozen of these kinds of cases on a daily basis. If he needs to defend himself from his father during a particular situation he should... but he should not pre-meditatedly physically strike out against his father at a high level of physicality and think he is justified just because his father beats him repetitively. He can still be charged with assault and spend time in the slammer-- even if he IS the victim. Unfortunately this happens quite often. thereforeeee it would be wise for him to seek other, non-violent, options first in making the abuse end... just as most women who are in the same situation should and do. Everyone is allowed to defend themselves from a physical assault, but unfortunately the courts have prescribed levels of decency for self-defence that even victims must follow. If victims do not follow these legal rules, they too can spend time in prison just as their abusers can. We don't want that do we?

I think it's better to be true to yourself and be genuine... don't let other people tell you how to feel or judge how you feel. If you want to go see him, go see him. Who cares what other people think, at least you're being honest with yourself that you want to spend time with him. Now if the other person starts to think you're starting to be too clingy, at that point then you might want to cut back a bit... like you said, both of you will be having some pretty heavy schedules at school so be considerate of that also. But I figure, school hasn't started yet--- so why not?

What helped me forgive and move on was to not have any contact with my ex for a while. After a few years I was able to forgive him and become good friends... but I have to emphasize it may take some time before you can think about him in a more objective light and become better platonic friends (Probably not years - I'm just a slow healer-- but maybe a few months if you can get back on your feet emotionally). And when I say no contact, I mean, no emails, no phone calls, no nothing. I think it is important for you to take some time out from contact with him and heal yourself from experiencing this kind of loss. I would focus on other things besides him... develop your life so that you can be more self-sufficient, more self-reliant, more independent. Write down some goals you'd like to accomplish by the end of 2005 and make plans as to how you'll go about accomplishing those goals. As you accomplish these goals your self-esteem and self-confidence will probably also increase which will help you feel a lot better. Anyway, just my two cents... I hope some part of it helps if any at all. Just know I'm rooting for you. All things pass in time. You just have to be patient with yourself and others.

It's refreshing to see someone who loves enough to be persistent and do their part to try to forgive someone rather than giving up and making it impossible for a person to find forgiveness. Thanks for the insights...

I would just start by calling her number and reminding her who you are and where you met and that she gave her your number and just see how she's doing and get to know her a little better over the phone. If things seem cool still then maybe you might want to ask her out for coffee or something just friendly like... walk the mall, do something she likes to do for a few hours... but just as friends. Then after that first friendly outting (or a few first friendly outtings) see if she wants lunch... and then after lunch... see if she might want to catch dinner or a movie. Get the sequence? hehe Kudo's on graduating to dating again, man! Rock on!

Yea, I understand how you feel about working hard on the place you live in only to get it mucked up when your friends come for a few hours... I helped renovate a house and spent hundreds of hours on it (and thousands of dollars)... and then my friends came over and put oily head and hand prints all over the freshly flat painted walls. Drove me nuts. Kept asking myself while I repainted: Why can't they just NOT touch the walls?? What do they need to touch the walls anyways! Why'd they need to put their HEADS on the walls?? What the.... LOL Yea I'd say just make some rules and stick to 'em. Especially with the dog... tell them they can bring it over when it grows a little more and doesn't piddle everywhere.

Well if I were getting hit by my dad I would tell someone that can do something legally to stop him. There are mandatory reporting laws in most states... that means you can go to a teacher, counselor, medical doctor, or even to church... they are all required to tell authorities if they suspect or know a child is being abused. I wouldn't resort to fighting back only because I work in the criminal justice field and know that fighting back can escalate the fighting to the point where someone gets killed. And I don't think anybody wants that. If he's hitting you, tell someone instead of "stooping to his level."

It's your place right? So make some rules and stick to them. If their dog pees all over your place and terrorizes your cat or whatever, tell them to leave their dog at home. It's funny how easy it is to mess up another persons place because we don't feel responsible for keeping another person's place clean. I think that's just how society is these days. I do think that you should kindly tell them to leave their dog at home when they visit though... and if they do bring their dog over even after you ask them not to, don't let them in. You decide who comes in and out of your place right? Just don't let them in if they bring their dog. And having their dog pee all over your place isn't a minor annoyance-- that's a health issue. As for the pot, I take it you must be getting high off their pot smoke to let them smoke pot in your place even when you say you don't do drugs??? It's called a contact high--- and if you have anything else in your place that breathes the same air y'all do then they're getting a contact high also. Breathing in pot smoke affects you even if you aren't the ones smoking the pot. Even secondary cigarette smoke affects other people even if they aren't the ones actually putting the cigarette up to their lips and inhaling. If you don't want a contact high, tell them to leave their pot at home too. The bottom line: It's your place, your living environment-- you have ultimate control what you let in. If you're annoyed with some of the things that come with the things that you let in... don't let any of it come in.

I hear that you feel you have no one to lean on. I moved away from home after college to be with someone who I thought was 'THE ONE'. I was thousands of miles away from anyone I knew, my ex wouldn't allow me to have friends, or even communicate with my family. I felt like no one understood and that I was completely alone. After things in my relationship escalated to the point where I got fed up feeling helpless I decided I was sick of waiting for someone else to save me, support me, and be there for me to lean on. I realized I'd just been looking for a crutch....and that's why I stayed with him and put up with his insanity for so long. Ask yourself this, is he just a crutch? Because you truly don't need crutches unless you're leg or foot hurts and can't walk without it... that's what a crutch is for afterall. And if you can walk, then why aren't you? And if he can walk, and you want him to, then why aren't you making him? Maybe what's keeping you from your own happiness is yourself... The bottom line is that there's always a way out IF you truly want to get out. It's just a matter of seeing things in the right perspective, being strong for yourself, and taking control of your own life and destiny. You're the only one who lives your life, makes your decisions, and can find your own personal happiness. Other people and things can't make you truly happy about how you live your life- only you can because only you live your life. So be strong for yourself if you feel no one else is there to be strong for you. Be your own friend if you feel you don't have anyone else, and make a way out of the situation that makes you so unhappy IF it truly does make you unhappy. We're here to listen and try to support you... you truly aren't alone. We all want you to find happiness and sanity in your life. Afterall, that's why we're here too (to find sanity and happiness). You're really not alone. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I believe you'll make the right decision for you in the end, no matter how long it takes to decide on the right decision for you. Just be patient with yourself.

Thank you so much for posting this website. It was very empowering and a must-read for anyone in an abusive relationship who wants out. Thanks again!

Been there myself. I didn't know how much my ex had been costing me until I looked back on my statements with my father and it wound up being over $15,000 in less than a year. To say the least, my father became suddenly very unimpressed with my choice of men. lol When I told my ex he couldn't have any more of my money, he dropped me like a rock to pursue a woman I later found out drove a mercedes and had a mansion just for herself-- when she figured things out and didn't want anything else to do with him, he came begging back to me. I'd say, if your gut says he's just in it for the money and the free-load, and you have hard evidence to back it up like bank or credit card statements... don't be shy in showing him the evidence-- and if he denies responsibility for the cash he owes or the amount you've shelled out for him so far, show him the door. If you don't, he might keep costing you more than you're willing to pay. If he tries to belittle the break-up and be in denial about it, be firm and show him you're serious by following through with action - tell him he has a certain amount of time to find another place to stay and move out. Don't let him guilt trip you about being scared of the cold weather outside and make you feel bad about your decision-- it's just a control tactic. Stay strong and don't let him man-handle you for your money if you honestly feel that is the case. Hope this helps.

I have to agree with the expert... honesty is the best policy and it's best to nip things in the bud than drag things out for as long as they can be dragged out until the inevitible end finally arrives and hurt is even worse than it would've been if you'd just nipped it in the bud in the first place. So nip things in the bud now, set him free: be firm and be honest, but not callous with him. He has feelings and I know you're already aware of that since you mentioned your feelings of guilt when you feel annoyed with him. I always hate that mix of feelings... just makes you feel more frustrated and confused. Hope this helps....

After being criticised and belittled, how do you keep from lashing out in an equally abusive way? I wonder because in my last relationship I know my partner was abusive, constantly nit-picking everything I did until I literally felt I couldn't even stack the spoons in the silverware drawer correctly. If we were in the car, I was afraid to talk with him about anything because usually he'd find something I said to make a petty argument out of, and if he got angry during the argument that he'd started, he would drive like a maniac-- cursing, driving aggressively/cutting people off, and even speeding down the median of the highway at 80mph. I feared for my life when he was driving. I know he was abusive to me. But then I look at my own actions towards the end of the relationship. I had been malicious too. After he had spent the whole afternoon criticising me and me dealing with his moodiness, I would lash out and scream and cry and slam doors while I stormed out of the house, and basically have complete nervous break-downs and say terribly demeaning, belittling thing to him. If he were moody and belittling/critical of me in public, then I would try to be just as moody and belittling/critical of him in public also... just to feel even- but it would make me feel terrible inside. There was one incident where we had such a heated argument (which I had told him we should stop and cool down several times but he refused to) I got so angry that he wouldn't stop arguing I slapped him accross the chest and left a bright red mark. I even surprised myself. I felt absolutely HORRIFIED in myself after having slapped him. After that point I, too, knew I had the capacity to be a horrible, abusive person also.... So how do keep yourself from lashing out at people that make you absolutely livid and make you question your sanity? I scare myself thinking about how I'd been in that relationship and it's kept me from getting involved with anyone since my relationship with him. I'd never been in a relationship that made me so angry at someone, or felt so hurt by someone before in my life. How do I make sure I won't become abusive again in lashing out? I honestly don't want to become that horrible person I'd been in that relationship ever again. Any helpful opinions would be appreciated.... thanks.

I used to turn down compliments and degrade myself but in the end I always felt like I lowered my own self-esteem. Why put yourself through more hurt? We already know we aren't perfect, but we aren't repulsive monsters either. Aren't we worth a compliment once in a while without feeling like we have to deflect it and put ourselves down? I think a lot of people who have low self-esteem have a lot of negative self-talking going on in their heads. They look in the mirror and can see all the ugly/bad/negative things in their reflections and don't take enough time to notice the good/beautiful/positive things. Ever look at a magazine and seen all the beautiful people and then gone to a mirror and thought, "Mann, I look like ____"? Usually the blank is filled with something really negative. How many times have you gone to the mirror and said to yourself "Wow, my eyes are really pretty!" For a person with really low self esteem, probably very rarely if at all. I think one of the keys to repairing low self-esteem and low self-confidence is to stop talking negatively about yourself in your own head and accept your good qualities that other people notice. If someone says to you "Your hair is really pretty today" or "Your eyes are beautiful" go to a mirror, look at yourself, and instead of finding all the features you could make better with plastic surgery/make-up/hair care products/etc... try to see the beauty other people are seeing in you.... and ACCEPT IT! Because that's YOU. I don't think modesty is negating the positives that other people see in us. I DO think it is learning how to accept the positives AND the negatives with grace- WITHOUT putting yourself down and lowering your own self-esteem and without looking like a self-adoring fool. I feel if you're lowering your own self-esteem in response to a compliment given then you're not accepting the compliment gracefully... you're disgracing yourself by putting yourself down in hopes to seem modest or humble. But that's just my opinion. I just think it's better to accept the gift of a compliment with grace than to seem like an unsatisfiable pit fishing for more compliments all the time. Giving compliments is like like giving someone a gift-- if you keep finding the gifts you give them in the garbage, what's the point of giving them any more gifts? In the same light, if you keep deflecting the compliments, people tend to stop giving you compliments knowing you're just going to reject them. Just my two cents.... I probably opened another can of worms though.

Besides, saying "Thanks" makes you feel a lot better about yourself and saves you from putting yourself down and makes the other person feel really good about themselves for noticing they know such a cool person!

It's either a case of extreme humility or insecurity. She might be an excellent student and work out 20 hours a week BECAUSE she has such a low sense of self-worth or feels so very insecure. Who knows though. Also, many people don't realize how hard it is to learn how to take a compliment gracefully-- but part of learning how to take a compliment gracefully is learning to love oneself and accept oneself. She may not have learned to love herself or accept herself yet and thereforeeee hasn't learned how to accept a compliment. By making all those excuses she's deflecting the compliment and not claiming or accepting what she does well. Tell her just to start saying "Well, Thanks." and to just leave it as that. She may not feel comfortable at first, but in time it will teach her to claim the compliment and to accept her good qualities.

I think it's so refreshing to see someone so willing to put themselves in their partner's shoes to assess how they must be feeling... to be willing to realize maybe they aren't as happy in the relationship as they claim-- and to be willing to openly discuss the issue and set them free if they aren't happy. I think you are right to bring up the issue and discuss it. You're very mature and compassionate.

Forgiveness is hard but truly very possible. I understand your hurt, been there myself. It took me a very long time to forgive that person... years actually. But it is very possible to forgive them. For me I left the relationship but I think if I had stayed it would have just been stalling the inevitable final break-up- there were other major issues that were having additional negative impacts on the relationship. If everything else in the relationship had been fine and I truly felt he loved me, I would've stayed to wait out the storm. I'm a very loyal person. I had to weigh my pros and cons for staying in the relationship and ultimately I saw the relationship as dead-ended and not mutually respectful...it was an abusive relationship in every sense of the word but it took me a year to figure out video cameras in every room of the house to watch my every movement ISN'T a normal healthy relationship. As for you... it sounds like your relationship with her might be worth waiting out the storm and seeing what comes out of it. You didn't mention any other major problems in the relationship and she seems to completely regret what she did. In time I think you might be able to forgive her and she may be able to earn your trust back. I think true love isn't fair weather love... true love has its major upheavals and what makes it true is being able to manage those upheavals and still remain together and the love grow stronger. It takes time to earn trust back... I would wait and see what happens- Ultimately it is YOUR CHOICE. Weigh the pros and cons... you know yourself better-- you know your morals and ethics. If you feel right now you cannot possibly forgive her or trust her again- then maybe it's better to take time away from the relationship and then re-evaluate once you have regained your strength and have healed and can look at the relationship with a new awareness. If you stay and feel like you can't forgive her or trust her again, you may be throwing the incident in her face, trying to hurt her as much as you feel hurt now-- and that isn't how to love someone. Hope this helps some... I'm sorry about what happened. You know what is right for you, just takes some time to look inward and make the right decision for you.

yea I'm sorry to say I think he's using you hon. You should back off and not call him anymore. Besides, he knows you called already(many times) and if he wanted to call you back he would have. I think you deserve someone a lot better than him so keep your eyes open- but I think you should start looking elsewhere. Hope you find the better match soon! Just want to tell you how I see things.

If you ever go to a book store I would recommend trying a book called Body For Life. I used it in college when I gained the Freshman 30 (hehe) and lost the weight very fast following the program in the book. As for machines, I actually mostly used the free weights and followed the exercises and program illustrated in the book. I'm only 5'1" and weighing 130 was really too much for my body frame. I used to date North Carolina's light weight body building champion and have always been a weight lifter since high school so just using free weights was different for me than using the machines but they worked really well in toning and general muscle building. Free weights give you a wider range of motion than the machines generally do... The machines tone specific muscle groups and limit your range of motion to target those groups... free weights you can use to do many different muscle groups with a wider range of motion. The book mentions this and I have to agree with it. Hope this helps some and good luck!