sayer7

For some reason this sounds like a 'Honeymoon Phase'. Everything seems out-of-this-world euphoric and perfect... Except you're scared the feeling's gonna end. Right? It's the curse of the 'What ifs' "What if we break up when we argue the first time?" What if this wonderful feeling ends?" "What if... what if... what if......" Well, I hate to break it to you... but yes- at some point this euphoric feeling may and probably will end. Some dispute will probably occur and you will probably feel it's the end of the world- at least the end of the dreamstate you'd been living in. BUT IT WON'T BE THE END OF THE WORLD! It just means you're relationship has reached, what I call, the 'Reality Phase' which is, in all reality, where all healthy relationships should get to at some point or another. All relationships must have their ups and downs and both partners have to be ready to deal with problems, work through them, and try to wind up with stronger bonds after the whole ordeal. Love is something out of your control. Your fear stems from knowing you cannot control Love, that you know these dips into reality are inevitable. You have to learn to relinquish control, face the fear- let the dips into reality happen knowing that if the relationship survives, your friendship AND your Love will be stronger than it has ever been before. Have faith that you will face challenges together as a team, and that your Love will flow easily through any problems you face. Remember: There are times where you can sit back and enjoy the fruits of your labor... but you have to plant the seeds and do the labor before you can fully enjoy the fruits. Hope this helps relieve your fears some.

All I can say is: It's never good to go out with someone only because they look like your long lost love. That person you saw in Walmart and your long lost love are two, entirely different people and going out with someone only because they look like someone you loved in the past is inviting A LOT of baggage into an entirely NEW relationship. It's not fair to that new person. If you DID date that Walmart girl...you would be constantly reminded of the hurt you went through in the past- except you'd be re-experiencing it in the present which constitutes as WALLOWING' in pain, you would hurt her once she knew you only dated her because she looked so much like a long lost love, and you may also have trouble accepting her as an entirely different person than your long lost love-- which could cause big problems in the relationship. Remember: You cannot re-live the past. You cannot change how the past occurred in the present. It is best to do your best to move on....

It may also be nerves and anxiety...maybe you're just nervous and anxious and that's why your mind goes blank and find it hard to keep the conversation going. Maybe some breathing exercises or stress reducing techniques will make you think straighter and clearer on-the-spot when you're with your girl. I say this only because I've found that when I get all nervous and anxious and lose my train of thought and can't keep a conversation going it's because I'm not breathing right... like I'm either holding my breath or breathing too fast. If you're holding your breath, then there's no oxygen going to your brain making it hard to think, no less think straight... and if you're breathing too fast it signals the body that there's some reason to panic, making you anxious and nervous when there's really no reason to be. So if you find you're holding your breath or hyperventilating... focus a moment on taking a few deep, slow, controlled breaths-- get some oxygen moving up in those brains cells so you can think straighter and calm your nerves. Also... remember that when you're with your significant other, you don't need to always talk all the time. Too often, couples are scared of silence and feel uncomfortable when there is a moment of silence. If a silence occurs... instead of getting all panicky and nervous, just sit there and focus on her mere presense-- like, how nice it is to be spending quality time with her, how much you like her and how nice it is that you're sitting/standing next to her. Just take a quiet moment to enjoy her being with you. Learn to feel comfortable in silence and find ways to enjoy silence-- it'll wind up feeling a lot less awkward. Hope this helps! Take care and good luck!

Depends what kind of std he has... if it is genital herpes or oral herpes the infection can be interchangeable. I've heard of people getting genital herpes in their mouths and oral herpes on their genitals- both from oral sex... but I think it's rare for those types of cross-infections but definitely ask a medical professional or do some thorough research online. First be sure what kind of std he has and secondly find out the different ways it can be transmitted and ways to prevent infection. The more you know about it, the smarter choices you'll most likely make.

Well first off, if you think you can't ask her about it and have a mature conversation about whether she is having sex or seeing another guy-- then you should not be having sex with her. If you honestly believe she would lie to you, then you have no trust in the relationship, no communication, and thereforeeeeee- no true meaningful relationship. You should not be in a relationship with her. There are too many sexually transmitted diseases out there to be having sex with a person who you suspect maybe having sex with other people. It is risky sexual behavior and you set yourself up for contracting a disease that is incureable (and there are a few incureable stds including AIDS, HIV, and Genital Herpes to name a few really awful ones you'd have to deal with the rest of your life). Until she CAN have a mature conversation about what is going on between you, her, and the suspected other man/men... you should try not to have any sexual relations with her. She is disrespecting you by not wanting to communicate. And as for your question about her 'drips,' yes, women can 'drip' if they are very excited and aroused. And if they are coming to orgasm, they maybe 'drip' more as there is a female equivalent to a male ejaculation-- except I think female ejaculation is rare (might need to ask an expert). The drips do not necessarily mean that she just had sex with another man before she had sex with you. They could simply be bathwater. If you had been fooling around in the water and water had seeped in there while you were bathing together... it could just be bath water dripping out...which I think would be the most likely scenerio. Hope this helps ease some of your fears... but you really need to have a good sit-down, mature, honest talk about whether she is having sex with other people for your own health's sake, if not for hers.

Don't ya hate those short but passionate relationships. They teach you what you like and don't like. They show you the good qualities of a person that you want in a significant other who will stick around longer than you can say 'Hello.' AND they show you the qualities your life could do without. Just know that when you meet the RIGHT person, they'll be ready for all the ups and down that are part of a relationship, they won't just ditch you for the next greatest thing if you have an 'off' day, and they will take you and the relationship seriously and respect you for who you truly are and what the relationship stands for. It sounds like this Miss Wonderful didn't stay around long enough for you to really get to know who she truly was... and now that she's gone- maybe you really don't want to be with someone who argues so much and leaves you so quickly. I'm just saying, Maybe it's for the best, and I have no doubt in my mind that there are other fish in the sea that have even better qualities than Miss Wonderful's. Keep your chin up, babe!

I think it's natural to like both the bad guys and the good guys... just know that bad guy will probably hurt you in the end or you'll kill yourself trying to change him into a good guy. Can't change/save/rescue/tame any guy... that's what you'll learn if you get involved with a bad guy. If you get a relationship with a good guy it can still be exciting, but he may be the safer bet that you won't get hurt by him. (Advice from a veteran, well-experienced, bad-boy dater- )

I think most liars lie out of fear of being rejected in some way or shape. For instance...some people might lie about how successful they are, but in reality-- they maybe scared of success and that's why they haven't found any success which is why they have to lie about being successful. I also know liars lie out of fear of being punished- again, it's a fear that their lies stem from. I also know that some liars lie because they want to mask who they really are because they are scared that a person may not like them if they showed the world who they truly were-- again, this is fear that their lies stem from. Maybe their parents or friends or peers said things to them growing up that made them feel bad about themselves and these scars have led them to believe that if they show their true selves, no one will like them. So they mask themselves and their lives with lies- but when their lies are found out, they lose friends and family and all the things they cared about. So you get my point. Lying can be a viscious circle. If you live in fear, you wind up losing: Your self-respect, your self-dignity, your friends, your loved ones, your trust, your trustworthyness. Try your best to live outside the box of fear and you'll see the world in a whole new light....

His friends and I have been doing our best to show him how messed up the situtation is but he just keeps on denying anything is wrong. He says he's over her, that she's over-weight now that she had a kid- she used to be a lot cuter... etcetc...but once in awhile he admits that he still cares for her and hopes things are going well for her...which is great-- but his behavior while she and her husband are around is becoming intolerable. As for his ex-best friend (the ex-gfs present husband), they grew up together... went to kindergarden, elementary, middle school, high school AND some college together( the ex-bestfriend dropped out of college, my bf graduated). He says he doesnt' believe in breaking off a friendship with so much history. I tell him he should limit the crap he puts up with with a friend and that he shouldn't sacrifice so much of his own self-esteem and self-worth to remain friends with someone who has shown him a long history of disrespect. He always says "What self-esteem or self-worth do I have to lose??" like it's a joke his self-esteem and self-worth have suffered. I've also told him many times that there's a limit of crap that I'll take from him pertaining to his behavior with his ex-gf when she's around... but I believe he's starting to overstep the boundaries. Now when I warn him about his behavior he tells me "Go ahead and break up with me. I knew you would!" or "Stop telling me what to do" and he feels like I'm bi__hing him out and getting on his case. Then I feel guilty and like I'm in the wrong. I know I have already lost a lot of self-respect and self-esteem because of this messed up situation and I often miss my old self-confident, self-reliant person. I wonder if I'm just a bad person to him. When we're alone during the week, without his friends, he is a different person and he is really good too me and treats me right. I just wish the person I loved would stick around when his friends arrived every weekend.

She sounds like she needs to grow up, get a job, and participate more in the real world before you consider going out with her again. As for you having sex with her all the time even though you say it's over between you and her....The sex may be good.. but if she's going home with guys she doesn't even know, then you're having sex with the those men also so watchout for herpes, genital warts, syphilis, AIDS, and HIV if you continue to have sex with her. The sex can't be THAT good, right? Plus the sex with you might be confusing her more. If I had any respect for myself, I would cut off all contact with her for awhile. Give her some time to grow up. There's a big difference between a 21 year old and a 24 and 26 year old. Can you honestly say you were the same person you were at 21 that you are now at 26? A lot of growing up happens in that time span. If she calls, hang up. If she's at a party that you go to, go home or find something else to do. Right now, she doesn't seem to be worth much. Give her a clear message you don't want to be with her because she disrespects you and herself with her behavior. When she finds some respect for herself and rebuilds her self-esteem then she'll be worth a lot more. Sorry to sound harsh...

Well my bf's and his ex-gf and ex-bestfriend are all still good friends. They still hang out and I'm supposed to hang out with them (ex-gf is now married to my bf's ex-bestfriend) because I am his gf and he wants his friends to be my friends. Which is great! The bad thing is that I don't respect his ex-gf or his ex-best-friend. My bf and his ex broke-up because she wound up secretly chatting with my bf's then-best friend online... one thing led to another and she and his then-bestfriend started dating behind my bf's back. My bf found out and it was a big traumatic event for him because he was living with her at the time. To further the damage, he had to deal with his then-best-friend coming to visit and listening to his ex and his then-best-friend have sex in the room next to his until he was able to afford to move out. The then-best-friend soon got the ex-gf pregnant and so they decided to get married and they have been 'happily' married for a year now. The problem is I am supposed hang out with them and be friendly to them even though i don't respect them for what they did to him and I don't feel comfortable around them. More problematic is that when we're all together, he hovers around his ex-gf and I wind up hanging out, feeling neglected, with other members of the group, even his ex-bestfriend... which then makes my bf jealous because he thinks his ex-bestfriend is now trying to "steal" me away from him also. My bf denies that he hovers around his ex-gf or doesn't show me enough attention... but other members of the group have noticed it and try to give me more of their attention to make up for my bf's lack of attention and apologize to me for his behavior. Should we just give him time? It's been almost 2 years since he and his ex broke up. How should I deal with how my bf acts around his ex-gf and ex-bestfriend when we are all together? His friends are getting tired of always apologizing for his behavior to me. It's hurting all of our relationships with him whenever we all hang-out. We're supposed to all hang-out the next two weekends. He always makes these kinds of plans to hangout with his friends without my input or opinion. Had I known, I honestly would have tried to find other things to do it is so uncomfortable for me. I've been patient and I've tried to be understanding for almost a year now... What should I do?

Had similar issues about jealousy... one thing that's helped me improve is whenever I started feeling jealous I would try to figure out what exactly my insecurity was that was causing me to feel jealous. In your case, you've already recognized that the insecurity issue is that you worry you will lose him, and inter-related with that insecurity issue is the aspect of trust. If, in all reality, you trust him not to cheat on you... then everytime you see him talking to other women and feel jealous, and you know it's because you're afraid you're going to lose him... try to remind yourself that you trust him not to cheat on you... that your relationship is strong... that other women truly aren't a threat to you. Afterall, he goes home with you at the end of the night... not them! I learned that fear has a weird way of turning purely rational thoughts into irrational fears. Try not to forget reality when you get jealous...fear makes things (including women and men who yap with our significant others) look more threatening than they really are. Get to know your fears instead, maybe you'll make a new friend instead. Of course... if you have reason NOT to trust him, like he's been dishonest to you before, snuck around, or has cheated on you in the past, etc.... maybe you should re-evaluate your relationship with him ... maybe your jealousy is your subconscious telling you to be aware of the TRUE state of your relationship and not to keep fooling yourself. You are a better judge of your relationship than I, though...I hope my tips help in easing your issues of jealousy. It's more a retraining of your thought processes than anything else. Just STOP your thoughts when you find yourself starting to feel jealous before they snowball. Learn to think outside the box of fear where jealousy is born and see things as they really are.

There's a big difference between arguing 'above the belt' and arguing 'below the belt' and sometimes there's a grey area as to where a particular argument falls....but when it comes to verbal abuse there's no grey area. I call name-calling like that verbal abuse and it is definitely 'below the belt'. He's saying those things to maliciously and deliberately put you down whether he is trying to lift his own self-esteem or whatever. There's no mind game here- he's just being out-right cruel and calling you names to put you down. Do you really want to live and be with a man for the rest of your living days who makes you feel the way you're feeling now? Who makes you feel like you don't want to get up in the morning? Who makes you feel self-conscious about yourself and around his friends? Who makes you hate who you are and what you look like? Tell him if he honestly thinks you are fat and no body in his group of buddies likes you he should find another woman because he's not up to your standards either. You deserve to be with a man that tells you, "you are more beautiful than all the other women I see"... and you deserve to be wtih a man that does his best to make you feel included and liked by his friends and family. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, love and compassion. People treat you the way you allow them to treat you... so stop letting him treat you like a doormat and be strong. Your self-esteem's better off without him.

It might be in his nature to argue... at least that how he was brought up I think. When I first met his parents he and his father argued over a piece of pasta the entire time we had dinner. My bf's mother leaned over to me and whispered, "The only reason they argue so much is because they're exactly alike" and from what my bf's told me, his dad is the king of debaters. Apparently it's just how they communicate. It's not the cussing out kind of arguments, it's more "It's not Red, it's Rouge!" and "He said She said" arguments. Thanks for the advice! I appreciate it.

Hey y'all... Need some advice on how to reduce competitiveness and deliberate arguments in a relationship. I've been with my bf for about 9 months now and for the last 6 months we've argued over petty things from sun up to sun down. I am 24 and he is 30 and it is an interracial relationship (I am Asian and he is Caucasian). In anycase, whenever I try to stop an argument he tells me "I'll stop arguing when I damn well want to stop arguing... not when you tell me to stop arguing." So then I just stop saying anything and remain silent (except if I'm crying over whatever we were arguing about) and after awhile his whole demeanor changes and he comes back remorseful saying "I'm just a dumb__ and a piece of ___.You should just dump me... but if you dump me I'll kill myself." Our arguments often end with me threatening to leave the house or dump him if we didn't stop arguing... but then he threatens he will kill himself if I do dump him so I don't. After this stage though, the argument is usually over. He says he'll kill himself so often and never does we consider it something of a joke so we don't take it seriously and it's usually this morbid humor that ends arguments. I've tried to show him for the last 6 months that the arguments that he fully admits to deliberately instigating, are damaging to our relationship (at least mine with him- he claims the arguments keep us "challenged and on our toes" ) ...but I'm starting to think he loves his arguments and being competitive more than he loves me. The last few months we've been arguing instead of communicating. Our debates and arguments have left us with no self-esteem, a lack of respect and a lack of trust between us and within ourselves. During our last big argument, we were on vacation and he instigated a petty argument in the car that got me so angry that I lashed out and smacked him hard, open-palmed accross his chest. The smack left a football sized red mark on him for the day and my hand stinging for 30 minutes. I've never hit anyone out of anger in my entire life, I don't even believe in spanking a child... so it scares me to know that I got so livid I lost that much control. I don't trust myself anymore because of this. It left us both stunned and shocked that I got so angry to the point of violence. I cried the whole rest of the day I felt so guilty, ugly, and scared of myself. He tried to console me the whole day saying he had instigated the argument and that it was his fault. But there's no excuse for hitting someone like that. I told him I understood if he dumped me because of it. He refused to break-up with me so I told him I was breaking up with him because he deserved much better, and he said he'd kill himself like he usually does. I asked him 10 minutes after I hit him if he would go to counseling with me and he adamantly refused saying I was the one that needed counseling, not him... that he'd tried once and it didn't work for him and that he'd never go again-- he wants to work on our problems his own way. He is an only child- he likes to do things his way, when he wants to do it- and he doesn't like other people telling him what to do or how to do it. Since our last vacation and me smacking him (5 days ago), we have not argued about anything petty and I can tell he is trying hard to change his argumentative ways. I don't know if he's still shocked or scared from me hitting him but I'm sure it's one of the two. I'm still too shocked and scared to really talk about it much with my counselor without crying. I know soon he'll be back to arguing over everything all the time. So how can I lift his self-esteem without lowering mine? How can I reduce the competition between us? How can I reduce our arguments and show him it's more pleasant to have a peaceful relationship most of the time instead of having a challenging, competitive, roller-coaster relationship all of the time? Any advice is welcome....