sayer7

That night I'd found out I had another tumor-- my first tumor had been malignant-- and the reason I was getting the tumors was because I was trying hormone treatments to be able to have children one day-- from the get-go when we became seriously involved and lived together I'd told him that I wanted to get married and have children, and even if I couldn't have children I wanted to adopt... he always replied, "if I have a child with you I will love it." And thus I commenced on the fertility treatments which resulted in me getting my first tumor that needed surgery. Then that day I went to the doctor and found out about the second one-- I came home and was discussing it and he told me he "never wanted children to begin" with and he "didn't know why I'd started the treatments in the first place".... which I then became really angry and broke up with him. After that many years, I thought our feelings were mutual about wanting to have children and it was a slap in the face to find out it was never so. But even a couple years before we broke up when the treatments had started working and became fertile again, I'd told him we needed to buy condoms if we weren't ready to have children just yet-- he always refused to buy condoms. Every time he asked for sex I asked him, "Did you buy condoms?" His answer was always "No." I was trying to point out that he needed to take responsibility in the relationship. Because he never bought condoms, we stopped having sex. A few days ago we light-heartedly talked about getting back together and I asked him if he was willing to buy condoms... and he said no. I told him until he's responsible enough to buy condoms we will never have sex again. You would think a person who "never wanted children" or even "on the fence about having children" would be more than willing to buy condoms. Anyway... the more I think about it the gladder I am I dumped him when I did. Made up my mind I'm never getting back together with him-- there's better fish in the sea. I appreciate your inputs, though. Thanks.

From the beginning of my last relationship (which lasted 4 years) I always told my (then) boyfriend that I wanted kids-- I even went through medical procedures and endured the resulting emergency tumor surgery in order to one day become fertile and have kids with that boyfriend... after 4 years he one night stated, "I never wanted kids!" which he never told me before... he had always said, "If I had a kid with you I would love it." That night I broke up with him because of the clear difference in our relationship objectives. Was I in the wrong or was I in the right? Just was wondering because he wanted to get back together, however now he's saying "I don't know if I want kids" rather than, "I never want kids." Wondering about the change in tune. Any input?

I'm grateful that I feel smarter today than I was yesterday. I got dumped yesterday because I didn't trust him because of all of his personal ads he's got posted all over the internet... go figure that one out. lol And I just looked at the Valentine's Card he'd sent earlier in the month and I was grateful I see what he is now and that I can read the card and know they are just empty words.

lol I know it's not Valentine's Day... but tomorrow is. Never good to break up on Valentine's Day... but it's not good to break up the day before either. lol It's supposed to be the day you share your loving appreciation for the people you care about most in the world... not dump them.

Ughh... before I unlogged from here and messenger he IM'd me and we had it out. And yes, basically he tried to tell me it wasn't him who logged in on January 28th... broke up with me because "he didn't want to be in a relationship with someone who had to check up on him" and "didn't trust him as completely as he trusted" me. Ugh.. it got ugly... and now I'm so miserable. I hate valentine's Day. I hate it.

Thanks for all the helpful advice guys. I've decided that I don't even want to talk to him so I think I'm going to take BellaDonna'a advice for now and then talk to him later if I must. I just know I'm hurting and if I talk to him on the phone right now he'll probably just fill my head up with charming empty words again. I think it's best I just avoid contact for a while until I recover a bit. But thanks so much everyone. I appreciate all your advice.

He's always said he doesn't feel it's fair to date more than one person at a time... he's always said he's a monogamous man and would never cheat on anyone... and as far as I know from talking to his ex-gf's he's never cheated and they all broke up on good terms.

Gosh no that wasn't the kind of ad I replied to... the ad I replied to 7 years ago sounded genuine and caring and sweet... which is also the text he used for this particular ad as well... but the title is completely different. This is a side of him I've NEVER EVER seen before and would never approve of. I'm sure he knows if he told me about this side of himself he'd be completely embarrassed and ashamed... everyone knows him as a noble, generous, loyal man- everyone in his home town knows him-- he's special forces military, and a highly decorated war veteran-- everyone loves and admires him and has such high regard for him. As did I. I guess I'm a little shellshocked... after 7 years of knowing him I discover I realize I really know so little about him.

I've had a long distance relationship with a man 400 miles away for alittle over a year (we've been close friends for over 7 years) and last October he basically flaked out and told me he didn't do distance well, and then two weeks later changed his mind and told me he wanted to work on the relationship until I moved up there, however long it took for me to get there because he said he could see himself "spending the rest of his life with me." Back in October after he called things off, I found his active personal ad which was something I expected to find- I figured he'd start looking again. But then 2 weeks after he'd changed his mind, I confronted him about the ad and he agreed to take down all his personal ads (he had several posted) because I'd told him it made me feel insecure especially with the distance. Two days ago I looked at one of the personal ads again and noticed that he'd visited and updated it again January 28th, 2007. Feb. 1st he'd sent me Valentine's gifts and flowers and a wonderful Valentine's Card telling me how much I meant to him. The ad title reads: 36 year old Man Looking For Women for Erotic Chat or Email, Intimate Relations, Discreet Relationships, Group sex (3 or more!) or Other "Alternative" Activities I feel betrayed and I don't know how to confront him about this. When we talk on the phone we're the closest of friends-- but then I read his personal ad and I feel like I can't believe anything he says, that I don't really know him at all, and I feel lied to every time he tells me "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." Am I totally over-reacting?? I haven't talked to him at all for 3 days now... he called today but I didn't pick up. I don't want to hurt him and make him feel like scum the day before Valentine's Day. How would any of you deal and confront him about this? Should I keep avoiding him until after Valentine's Day and then confront him about it? Any advice would be great. Thanks.

And he can't move to be with me because his 6 year old daughter is in Ohio. He said if he didn't have a daughter he would have no problem moving to be with me. He does a lot of business in my city and has even been offered careers here with the department I work at. He's turned them down because his daughter lives in Ohio. Which I told him is completely absolutely understandable. So the only way for him to "spend the rest of his life with me" is if I move there and we date and everything works out and we actually do spend the rest of our lives togehter. I've been interviewing for jobs there over the last year everytime I'm there doing my grant work each month. So I'm actively looking. The difference in timetables and him seemingly pushing me away are our biggest problems. I don't know how to change his mind and think more optimistically so he can wait a little longer for me.

He was actually the one that said the he didn't want me to move unless I had a job and an apartment in line when I got there. I told him I would leave today to be with him because it felt like he was giving me an ultimatum. I told him I don't start working on my contract until January 16th and can still get out of it- that now would be the perfect time for me to move there. And then he told me, "You will not move just to be with me... we should just be friends until you move back here and then I want to date you and see where it goes from there even if it fails in the end." So not only am I not stalling, he's the one telling me to stay where I am,--but in the same breath he's saying I'm the one he wants to be with for the rest of his life and it's as if he doesn't want to be "just friends" but our time tables are just off and that's why we should. To me at makes no sense unless the pain of missing me is that intolerable for him. I feel it's more he's pushing me away-- whether it be because he misses me too much or he's afraid of being hurt in another LDR. I honestly don't know what to do. If we give up now, we'll wind up with other people again and we'll both be thinking 10 years from now "I wonder what would've happened if...." It's just majorly frustrating.

It could work if he wasn't so bent on the timeframe... he does seem to be hurting quite a bit with distance and it's been worrying me for about 5 weeks now. He tried one other LDR long before he knew me for a year which ended with him coming back from Kosovo/Bosnia to an empty apartment and his fiancee married to another man. It took 4 years for him to get over her- he's been very LDR-phobic ever since. I've made it clear to him that for the 6 years I've known him he's the only one I can see myself with-- that's why I never dated anyone else after my last relationship ended-- I was tired of going against what felt natural to me by dating other people that weren't him. He knows he's been my life's inspiration for 6 years... he's the reason I went back to school to get my master's degree and do what I do now in law enforcement. But I think he's gotten to the same emotional point with me that he was at with his fiancee before he left for Kosovo-- and I think it's bringing back a lot of bad memories. He probably doesn't want to go through that again so I think he's starting to push me away. I told him I'd go shopping for a better phone plan with more minutes after Christmas so we could talk more but I don't think that's going to be enough. I feel like I'm losing my first love for a second time... I feel like I'm on the cusp of feeling devastated again. I honestly don't know what else I can do though.

I've been in a long distance relationship for 6 years with a military man I met when I was in college in Ohio. He was 30 and I was 21. We broke up after 7 months because he found out his ex-gf was 9 months pregnant. He now has a 6 year old daughter. I broke up with him so he could focus on his new family. He never married his ex, though. We went our separate ways even though we both didn't want to. I've always been in love with him... he was my first love. We've always been respectful of the other's relationships over the years apart and were strictly friends-- chat over coffee for a few hours to catch up on 3-5 months of no contact or after his wars abroad- that sort of thing. My last relationship ended in 2005 and last March we started to date whenever we were in each other's town. In May we decided to be gf/bf. It's had its typical LDR difficulties with an insufficient phone plan, and him wanting more face-to-face time. He's also out of town a lot for business so it's hard to schedule time to see each other for more than a few days every other month. Sometimes we make plans for me to visit him in the town where he has business if we haven't seen each other in a while. 3 days ago he asked when I planned to move back to Ohio. Before, our biggest fear was that I move there just to be with him and the relationship failed or he was shipped off to war again... so a long time ago we agreed I wouldn't move there unless I was moving there for a job and living on my own- dating each other more seriously would be just an added perk once I moved back. So I've never really thought about 'when' I'd move back... just been waiting for the right job opportunity. He then told me 4 months ago he told his mother that he could see himself being with me for the rest of his life... and that this was the first time he'd ever said that to his mother about any woman. He's about to retire from the military in about a year so he wanted to know when I was planning to move back. Unfortunately I've just signed another 8 month work contract here in NC. So I said "realistically, maybe within 2 years" and told him about the new contract. Then he said 6 mos to a year was his max because he already misses me too much and "it was killing him". Then I told him maybe then we should be 'just friends' again, - after a 2 hour discussion we reluctantly agreed to being 'just friends' again. But this afternoon I IM'd and told him I honestly didn't want to go back to being 'just friends' or date anyone else. I also told him if he couldn't wait for me I'd understand and would (as always) respect any new relationship he decided to go with. He replied that my note made him feel better and that he hasn't been too happy since our 'just friends' discussion.... but no real reply on whether we were actually going to continue being 'just friends' or resume being bf/gf. So I don't know what the status of our relationship is now other than I love him and he "wants to spend the rest of his life with me." What should I do? Do we need to break it off completely? Any input would be appreciated. Thanks....

How can one not be a serial abuser if 'he always apologizes' and 'begs you to love him'? The word 'always' implies this has happened more than once and if it happens more than once- that does makes him a serial abuser. Your counselor should be aware of the term 'Cycle of Violence' because it's an actual term that the counselor should've learned in college and graduate school in order to become a counselor in the first place. What I think is most important is your safety-- and if you have children- your children's safety. If he continues to act aggressively and continues to try to manipulate you, you must tell your counselor so they can effectively help you get to a safe place where he cannot hurt you. Your counselor should have access to community resources as well as law enforcement resources. But you must make the committment. You deserve being happy and safe, and you always have options... don't let him make you think you don't. As others have said, the fact is, he chooses how to act. Don't make excuses for him- he is an adult and should be held accountable for behaving that way towards you. My advice is continue to talk with your counselor- and if possible talk with the counselor privately as well so you can truly talk without feeling like you have to mediate what you say or hold back crucial details about your relationship with him and how you honestly feel... being honest with yourself and your counselor about how you feel is the first step in making your life better. Hope this helps!

Just graduated grad school (received my Master's in Criminal Justice) and have to say, if you know what you want to do and can see yourself succeeding at a graduate level-- then by all means try to negotiate something with the department. I was diagnosed with cancer my second year and had two bad semesters while I was going through treatment-- was even facing suspension because I had to go an extra year to complete my course work-- but I knew criminal justice was what I was meant to do so I negotiated and did all in my power to complete my degree. As for the thesis vs internship.... for my master's I basically had to do both even though technically I was on the thesis track. I spent the last 2 years of school doing my thesis and my research for my thesis via an internship with the police department.. and I don't regret all that time spent on my project either. The internship opened up job openings to me (I now work in Victim Assistance because I'd gotten 2 years worth of internship experience in the department I now work in) ... and the thesis made me fully aware of all the up-to-date scholarly literature and research out there on what I was studying (victims of domestic violence). Working in the field and preparing for an actual job in the field after graduating is important- especially if it's a highly competitive field. But if I had to pick one or the other-- I would do the internship. There's nothing like real-world experience to get your foot in the door for a real life career after graduation. Just my two cents...

To me, it sounds like both of you are feeling very insecure with each other (partly due to lack of communication) and also the distance (physically, emotionally) is only contributing to the insecurities. Long distance relationships generaly have these problems... and to be honest, I don't know many long distance relationships that work out because of the insecurities physical and emotional distance creates. There's just a lot of 'space in between' for fear to creep in and wreak havoc on even the most secure person on the planet. It also seems as though you two are lashing out at each other, and saying things you don't mean... which I think is just another symptom of feeling insecure with each other due to the distance. In the end, we have to ask ourselves "Is the argument truly worth losing the relationship over?" I personally commend you for sticking up for him, but on the other hand, maybe it was a blow to his sense of masculinity to have his gf stick up for him, rather than taking care of the problem himself. Who knows why he reacted the way he did... we women aren't any more telepathic than guys are. As for the CD-- people do things they wouldn't normally do when emotions run high... is fighting about why he accepted the CD from someone else despite knowing you were going to give it to him worth being so angry about Sure, he did and that ticked you off, made you feel disrespected and unimportant-- and those feelings are probably what you've both been feeling ever since this long distance relationship started. Maybe the relationship didn't work because of communication problems... not the CD or the lashing out or... those are just symptoms of a larger problem. All relationship have arguments... nothing's going to be hunkydory all the time. At some point you realize, "The honeymoon is seriously over."... and you have to learn to relate to each other as human beings, respected friends, and romantic partners in order for the relationship to actually work for the long-run. Most of all, it takes committment and patience with each other, and TRUST! Without quality communication, trusting someone is very hard to do. I do know of some long distance relationships that work... and it was because of very careful planning, truly trusting each other despite the distance, and great communication skills. Communication became their relationship-- they didn't talk on the phone every day, but every Tuesday and Friday they would call each other and spend "quality" time on the phone for 30-45 minutes. Without this committment to communication, I honestly don't think it would've have worked. For them, they spent 6 years in a long distance relationship (she in Japan, he here in NC). Last May she finished school and moved to the U.S. to live with him, and they finally got married about 2 weeks ago. So things can work out for long distance relationships... it really does take a lot of work though. As for letting go of the situation-- forgiveness is divine... but forgiveness takes a lot of honest introspection and accepting that neither of you are perfect. After you take the time to honestly think about how you feel, I think in the end you'll finally be able to forgive and be able to let go of a lot of the hard feelings and move on. Communication is the key though...and remember: Communication is a skill we develop and hone over time-- we aren't born with great communication skills... unless you know what 'GooGoo GaGa' means I think we all could use work in that department. Best of luck and I hope any of this helps. Hope you have a great Turkey Day and keep your chin up!

I'm kind of in the same boat you're in.. I'll be 28 in February and I've been in the process of starting over after ending a 3 year long rollercoaster relationship. I think even though I've been really excited about starting over, I'm also scared about making the same mistakes with someone else when I start dating again. For now, I'm content being by myself. With my ex, I became too dependent on him financially and emotionally and he manipulated my dependency to his benefit. But after spending some quality healing time on myself and developing the business I started the last two years I was with him (which made him resentful, btw), I now realize the best way to avoid winding up in that same kind of relationship is to remember the 'red-flags' and not choose to ignore them next time. When it comes down to it... I really enjoy feeling self-sufficient and independent and I think these things came out of the healing process and devoting the time to myself to learn who I truly am and what I truly want and enjoy in life. My self-esteem has returned and I have a lot of pride in how successful my business has become through my own hard work. And rather than looking for someone to make me happy or make them happy (which is how I met my ex), this time I'll be looking for someone who already is happy with all or most aspects of their life and who's looking for the same. So my advice for the 'waiting process' is: You only get out what you put in. If you're simply waiting for the wait to be over, you won't get much out of the healing process. But if you truly focus on figuring out and working towards what makes you happiest in life while you wait-- it makes the wait well worth it. I know I'm not the same person I was when I was with my ex and I have faith I will never choose to be with that kind of man again as long as I remember what I learned- and knowing this helps squash my fear. In anycase....Wishing you the best with your fresh start!! Make the most of it but, most of all, be patient with yourself and have faith good things come in time.

My ex-bf and I share the same computer for our online side business that we've run together for about 2 years now. We sell handcrafted jewelry and beads together. We both pitched in to buy the computer and a digital camera for our business so both are just as mine as it is his. Today I was editing photos for some new product to post and I was deleting pictures that I decided I didn't want. When I went back to retrieve one of the pictures I found he had two folders labeled "Outlook" and "Incomplete" in the recycle bin. When I looked in them I found he had about 1 GIG worth of internet Porn stored in there... including, specifically, webcam porn of 12, 13, and 15 year old girls AND porn that he took of himself with OUR digital camera that we both bought together. Now, I understand all guys download porn...this is one of the main reasons why I broke up with my ex in the first place. However, we still run the side business together. But CHILD PORN??? For me that crosses the line cause my regular day job is in working in The Child Protection and Domestic Violence Unit at the Police Department. One of my department's tasks is to specifically investigate Child Porn Rings in the area. My ex knows this is my regular day job. What do I do? Tell him I can no longer have a partnership business with him anymore? Report him or not report him? Any opinions would be helpful... thanks.

I was in an abusive relationship also several years ago that motivated me to leave him and get a master's degree in criminal justice. I now intern at a police department domestic violence unit and have been working there for over a year and half now. There is absolutely no excuse for physical violence... there is absolutely no reason to stay in a relationship if the person is verbally abusive, calls you names, belittles you in public, etc. I've seen many abusive relationships start with verbal abuse but escalate to physical abuse at some point. You need to understand that it is not your responsibility to change him... if he wants to change he will on his own accord. Nothing you say or do will ever change how he chooses to behave. Until he seriously commits to changing for the better, to get professional help for his anger issues and passive aggressiveness, you should seriously consider ending all ties and communication with him before you do get seriously, physically hurt one day. If he has hit you before, he can just as easily do it again despite any promises he might have made to you about never hitting you again.. Do not drag out the end of the relationship. His anger is not what you need or deserve in your life. Abusive relationships also are hallmarked with a cycle of violence and abuse.... it starts with a 'tension phase' where you may feel like you're walking on eggshells trying not to make the abuser mad. Next comes the 'explosive' phase when the abuser is actually physically, emotionally, and or verbally abusive to you-- usually triggered by an every day type of argument. The final stage, the 'honeymoon phase' is after they are abusive to you and they try to make things up to you by being really sweet, promise you it will never happen again, and they may even try to persuade you to stay with a lot of flowers or gifts-- and most of all guilt trips. But please don't fall for any of it because after the 'honeymoon' phase it goes back to the tension-building phase and the cycle repeats itself. The only way to end it is either for him to get professional help, or you leaving him completely and cutting all ties. It takes a lot of strength to finally let go of all the bonds you have with this person-- an abusive relationship is like an addiction... after awhile you start believing you cannot get out of the relationship even if you tried, or that you cannot live without this person. These are all just mind-tricks... don't fall for them. You are strong, you are fully capable of making your own decision as to what is good for you, and it is your life and you live your life the way you choose to. If you feel the relationship is abusive and you are tired of being called names and the passive aggressiveness, the tension, and the explosive anger-- there's no time better than the present, NOW, to begin planning how to get out of the relationship and finally leaving him. If you feel you are in physical danger, that he will try to physically keep you from leaving him by use of force, planning your exit is very essential. If the relationship has not escalated to that point, perhaps just ending the relationship cold turkey by beginning no contact whatsoever, no emails, no phone, no text messages would be the better way to end things. It is your judgement call. You know what he is capable of and if you feel in any physical danger. Please believe me, there is life after an abusive relationship. Don't let Fear keep you from saving your own life and living a happier more fulfilling life. It is your choice how you live-- not his. Remember, he has no power over you unless you give it to him. Hope this helps some. Take care and feel free to message me if you wish to talk more. Blessings....

He's been my ex now for several months... but we're still friends to the point where he lets me do his laundry at his place and we still hang out together with our close mutual friends and do lots of things together like do day trips to find lamps and go to the mountains to hike, etc.... just as friends. I was doing laundry like I always do on Friday at his place, but this time I didn't have enough clothes for a load, so I did what I usually do (what he's always ASKED me to do when I don't have a full load) which is go into his closet get his dirty clothes to add to the load of laundry. But today I found his collection of other girl's panties and cybering porn that was dated when he and I had still been together last year...from other women (it was nearly 3 year relationship) laying on the floor in the middle of the closet. Kinda made me angry to know he'd been collecting these things WHILE we'd still been in a relationship... but then I realized we weren't together anymore and well it's just not my place to say anything. But it was just sitting there on the floor for everyone to see ON THE DAY he KNEW I was going to be doing laundry cause I do laundry everyday on Friday at his place. Would you confront him about it or just pretend you didn't see it?

I've been officially broken up with my now ex-bf for 5 months from an on-again off-again very insecure 3 year relationship. I moved back into my own apartment and I've learned to feel independent and single again. However, over the course of our officially break-up we've grown to be closer friends(but friends only- I have no romantic desire to be with him as a gf any more I've told him this more times than he cares to think about). As friends, we have a much better relationship, but an issue has come up about him secretly taking pictures of women's and girl's butts and crotches at the beach, lying about them when I catch him and confront him, and then finally admitting he doesn't know why he does it. I personally think it's disrespectful and quasi-perverted to the women and girl's he's photographing without their knowledge. He is 32 now... and I think too old to be doing this kind of juvenile behavior. Some of the girl's are clearly no older than 13 years old. I've told him this is wrong in my eyes. But yet, he blows it off and on a few other trips he's done it again. The last time I confronted him about it he got angry and said he's sexually frustrated- and specifically blamed me for not wanting to have sex with him as for why he does it. On several occasions earlier in the official break-up he'd tried to convince me to have sex with him and I told him that I respected myself and our friendship too much to have meaningless sex with him that would just complicate and confuse things. I've always reminded him we are no longer bf/gf and to find a new girlfriend if he wants sexual intimacy, but he still tried to pressure me to have sex with him on occasion and says he's waiting for me to change my mind about being broken up and to hurry up. For a couple months he did not pressure me at all and our friendship really started improving, but I now realize this is when his secret photographing of women's adn girl's butts and crotches started at the beach. When I confront him, he scoffs and says"You're just jealous because you want to get back together with me." On the contrary, the more times he repeats this behavior the LESS I want to even be friends with him. How do I make him understand it's not jealousy prompting me to voice my opinion about the immorality of secretly photographing women's and girl's butts and crotches at the beach? He doesn't think it's in anyway disrespectful and blames me for why he does it. What would you do about this situation? Is it even my business to voice an opinion considering we're broken up and just friends? I want to stay friends but I want this disrespectful behavior to stop- it repulses me. Advice anyone?

He would force himself on me whether I wanted to have sex with him or not.

He sounds like my ex actually. For some reason I started staying over night at my then-boyfriend's house.. it started out as 1 or 2 nights a week and gradually increased to 7. So basically I lived with him for a year and a half at HIS REQUEST, all the while paying $650 on rent on my own apartment, and after he told me he wasn't ready to consider proposing to me after nearly 2 years and was very adamant about it-- I told him I was going to start spending more time at my own place because I didn't feel there was any true committment from him, but I still liked him and wanted to date him. He told me if I did move back into my own apartment it would be going BACKWARDS in the relationship-- and that my initiation to distance myself from him would "count against" me when he finally BECAME ready to start thinking about getting married and started considering proposing to me. I dumped him because it was obvious he was just using me at his convenience and wasting my money for his own self-fish personal whims. My advice... move out if you can afford it and regain some independence. You can date him, spend time with him, etcetcetc... but don't LIVE with him until he truly DOESN'T have a problem living with you or is ready to make a formal committment to you-- one that you can reasonably expect a proposal out of in the end. Just my opinion after being in the similar situation.

I've been dating someone new for about 8 months and the first problem I had in the very beginning was I kept being repulsed by his touch whenever he tried to initiate sex. And we still haven't had sex yet because although I don't feel repulsed to touch him when I initiate, my sex drive is short lived and have basically no desire to have sex at all- so the initiation always falls flat-- never results in sex because I lose my sex drive less than 5 minutes after I initiate. I've been thinking about the problem a lot and how my new bf's self-esteem is being hurt. I think that because of my last really bad relationship where I was always being rejected whenever I tried to initiate and when we DID have sex I always bled because he would be too forceful and my skin would cut and bleed and he wouldn't listen to me when I told him it hurt or to stop. There was no enjoyment whatsoever and I would be sore until the cuts healed up to 2 weeks later. I learned that sex wasn't enjoyable because he made me do it whether I wanted it or not, it was all about his pleasure and never about my own, and then I would be in pain for weeks afterwards. Since then, I've had very little sex drive since the last few months of my last 2 year relationship over a year ago up until now. Whenever my new boyfriend tries to initiate I have the fear of being cut and bleeding again and I turn him down. I think that's why my sex-drive has disappeared and I think that's why when he initiates my skin crawls and I'm repulsed and turned off. I like him a lot, I have a lot of intimate, romantic feelings for him and there's a lot of emotional security in the relationship-- but there's no passion. How do I get over this fear of pain and revive my sex-drive? How do I raise his self-esteem even when I don't have sex with him and turn down his initiations because I'm not ready? Any suggestions would be great....

I think the main thing to look as is the fact that she no longer wishes to be in a relationship for whatever reason. I know this fact hurts the most, but in time you might learn why she has chosen to break up with you. As for her reasoning behind the break up, I think that some people honestly feel they have nothing positive to contribute to the relationship in and thereforeeee they feel they are "sacrificing" their own happiness in order for the other person won't be held back. They may feel inside that any ties to them would only hinder your own progress towards happiness. If she is depressed and going through some emotional times, she may believe this because of her negative feelings about herself, inside. I think if she honestly does feel this way, you must try to understand that she is just not ready to be a beneficial element in the relationship right now and do what you need to to heal from the break-up. In time, maybe she'll learn to feel better about herself and maybe then you can have a good friendship with her again. Just my opinion... doesn't mean I'm right of course. Hope this helps though.