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sayer7

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Everything posted by sayer7

  1. sayer7
    If he's your ex... why do you care when he checks his messages? Why are you hacking into his phone? Why are you checking up on him? Why should his lying mean anything to you? Wasn't he a jerk and that's why y'all broke up? Why do you need to re-iterate to yourself that he is a jerk when you already know he is? Most importantly: Why are you so willing to play the victim in this relationship? Why are you giving him so much emotional power over you? Aren't you tired of feeling like a victim? My Suggestions: If he's constantly lying and he's your ex- commence No Contact (NC) immediately because you are being hurt more by maintaining any sort of relationship with him. If he left you because he wanted to "live his own life"--- then you need to start finding and living your OWN LIFE as well. Stop living your life through him and all the mean things he's done to you. HE shouldn't be what you define yourself as or was. HE shouldn't have that much emotional power over you and only YOU have control over how much power he has over you. You are more than just him. You are your own person. And if you don't know who YOU are then it's high time to figure out who you are and start living your own authentic, independent life apart from him. I don't mean to sound harsh of course. I've been in your shoes before and I know it hurts. Please be patient with yourself as you heal, but don't keep the wound open and allow him to put lemon juice on it by staying in contact with him. In the end it's your choice and you have to make it. He won't change and YOU can't change him- no matter how much you try and no matter how much you know it would be good for him to change. He can only be who he is... and YOU can only be who YOU are. Hope you don't take this wrong... I truly mean the best and wish you happiness.
  2. sayer7
    Well I'm not moving... he's moving to be with me at my town. But overall I get your point and thanks.
  3. sayer7
    Thanks guys, He wasn't this clingy/strange/obsessive/stalkerish when I first met him many many years ago. It wasn't until the last year and a half or so that he started talking about living together and being a couple and being romantic. From the get go I told him I was not interested in ever dating him, that he would always be just a friend to me, that I would never date him or give him a romantic chance because I simply do not feel that way. Those are basically my words exactly. I even told him straight out that I've been in love with someone else for 8 years(which is true) and that I do not want to date anyone else. I've told him over and over again to listen to me and to take what I say seriously (most of our conversations these days revolve around how he needs to get over his crush and listen to what I"m telling him and take me seriously) but he keeps saying "Once I get there you'll fall in love with me if you just give me a chance and date me." So here he comes a courting basically and he knows I have absolutely no time for him that I will NOT date him and will NOT give him a romantic chance once he gets here. We have talked many times about how his behavior and obsessiveness is ruining our friendship and he doesn't listen- and despite that he's STILL moving to my town in hopes to date me. ARRRGHHHHHH!!!
  4. sayer7
    Well he's really moving here. He just text my phone telling me he just got situated in his seat on the bus and that he was looking forward to seeing me at the end of the month. UGH!
  5. sayer7
    A man who has a serious obsessive/stalkerish crush on me has decided to move from Alaska to my town thousands of miles away even though for the last year and a half I have repetively told him that I am absolutely not available and absolutely not interested in him in any romantic way, and that I don't think it is smart for him to move to my town just to be with me when he is wheelchair bound and doesn't know anyone here besides me to help him. He lives off of a disability insurance check and will be moving 4 miles away from my apartment and I know that he'll be expecting me to help him get groceries and spend a lot of time at his new apartment helping him move in etc. In Alaska he has family, all he has to do is call someone to have them buy groceries for him, he never has to leave the house, doesn't have to pay rent, the cost of living is ideal for someone who depends on a wheelchair to get around. I've always told him that it would be best if he stayed near family and stay in Alaska cause he'd be best taken care of. I've not talked to him much for about 2 weeks now hoping to show him that I won't be around, and that I don't support his move here, that if he comes here he is on his own-- because he will be-- not because I'll do it out of spite, but because that's my everyday lifestyle... I work from 6am until 10pm 4 days out of 7, I go to night classes 2 days of the week and don't come home until 11pm after which I go back to work until 3am, and on the weekend I'm usually traveling to a destination on assignment for work and staying at a hotel. I am virtually NEVER here and he's known this is my lifestyle for years. I tried to make that clear to him he was moving here for the WRONG reasons. When he told me 3 weeks ago he was moving to my town "for a chance to date me", to "convince me we are soulmates", and "to show me we are perfect for each other" I told him those were bad reasons to move here because I wouldn't be emotionally or physically available to do those things. I also told him that if he couldn't be just friends with me and continued to be stalkerish I would break all contact with him. Despite his crush though, he has always been a good friend. I've known him for many years but at some point his feelings of friendship turned into a crush. I wish we could go back to being just friends because our relationship has become so strained and difficult for me. What should I do? Tell him he's being stalkerish and that we can no longer be friends? Help please!!!
  6. sayer7
    Both his parents are super nice and I know them very well-- however they are both very religious so maybe he got too much religion forced on him before he was ready as a child and he holds some deep seated resentment or something. I dunno... but he's refusing professional help. But the question is what should I do about it?
  7. sayer7
    Guilt makes people clingy and people who feel guilty always want to try to smooth things over with the person they hurt. Like a person with a conscience who is relatively humane and sweet and caring (like you said she was once upon a time) wouldn't hurt another person's dog and then not feel like they should help pay for the medical bills.... in the same light, she knows she hurt your heart and by being clingy she's hoping to help with the "medical costs" but is only causing more damages. Afterall, no one but the person with the broken heart can fix it- and most people with broken hearts don't even know how to fix one except to give themselves time, space to heal, and patience. I'm pretty sure she knows what she did was wrong and that she should've just been upright and honest about it and now she's trying to make things ok again. I think she cares about you and wishes she hadn't hurt you and would do anything in her power to try to make things right again--- however futile it is in reality cause after you've hurt someone as deeply as you've been hurt by her, it's definitely hard to try to make things "OK" again. I would tell her you need some time and space to heal and that maybe someday in the future you will contact her and you can be friends again.... or something a long those lines. The point is to take some time for yourself and do what you need to to heal. Sorry all that happened to you....you have my sympathies.
  8. sayer7
    I have a friend who's temper problem has led me to not trust his moods and reactions. When should I call the friendship quits? Last weekend he and I and another friend went on vacation to Savanah, GA and one evening we got lost and he refused to stop to look at a map or get directions for literally 4 hours. The last umpteenth time I told him to stop and get directions, he stopped and literally unbuckled my seatbelt for me and kicked me out of his truck in a decrepid/dangerous neighborhood next to an old abandonned chemical factory and an ABC Store in a place I'd never been in before hundreds of miles away from home, at MIDNIGHT- and he drove away. 10 minutes later he returned for me but by that time I'd already walked a quarter of a mile to a Kroger Store down the street to call a cab to go back to the hotel. I was waiting for the cab outside in the parking lot when he drove up in his truck and screamed hysterically at me to "Get back in the _____ truck!" He was screaming and crying and it was very obvious he was extremely upset that I had disappeared from the spot he kicked me out at. I didn't feel righteous, but I felt he needed to learn a lesson and I didn't regret going to the Kroger to call a cab rather than waiting for him to return-- IF he would even return at all. I've long learned when he's mad, one can never know for sure what he'll do. Several hours later around 4am he thoroughly apologized to me and I accepted his apology however I'm still very angry he kicked me out of his vehicle in a strange city and just left me there. I'm not upset like any other person would be but maybe I've just learned to put up with his moodchanges too much. At this point I just don't know what to do about our friendship. What should I do? Tell him we can no longer be friends Or that we should spend less time together until he gets professional help and makes marked improvement? I've told him before he needs professional help, but his response has always been "I'm beyond help."-- which I don't feel is a valid excuse NOT to get professional help-- but what else can I do? If I press him more, he just gets angry about me trying to tell him what to do with his life. I'm tired of not trusting his moods. It would take a complete attitude turnaround and consistent mood stability from him for me to ever trust him and his moods again after last weekend. Anybody have any suggestions?
  9. sayer7
    I think you know the answer to your question but you just want to hear it from someone else. I'm not going to answer your question though because I've learned, under similar circumstances, that there's no better time like the present to relearn to listen to what your inner voice tells you and not take what it says for granted. I'm truly sorry for your loss. I'm sorry that your ex seemed so uncaring towards what you're going through, and I'm sorry he led you on and was insensitive to your feelings. I hope you find someone else that is a lot more compassionate and truly cares about you. Aren't you glad he's your ex though??? He seems like a jerk. Break-ups hurt and only time and being patient with yourself will ease that pain. My prayers are with you and your family and know you aren't alone.
  10. sayer7
    I think if you asked without insinuating that she cheated and your question was genuinely asked in an innocuous tone, there's more going on and it's not that you asked or how you asked it. I see two different explanations as to why she's so angry right now. 1. It could be an issue that she was deep down flattered that he kept hitting on her, and instead of being emotionally honest to you and saying she was flattered that the guy kept hitting on her but felt guilty that she was attracted to him because he wasn't you-- she instead felt cornered by your question, felt defensive, blew things out of proportion, and felt angry that you tried to make her be honest and explain her deep down feelings when she knew honesty might hurt you. Or 2. She just might be insecure about herself and secretly desired to see how jealous you would get if she told you about him. And if you didn't act jealous enough for her tastes, she might've felt disappointed and felt she needed to compensate in her public blog to achieve the ego-boost she'd expected to get when she told you about him. All in all, to put that in the blog to tell the world when it doesn't seem to fit with what you say really happened in reality-- to even mention the dude in the picture to you in the first place, and to seemingly blow things out of proportion when you ask an innocuous question about the thing SHE brought up-- tells me 1. the act of telling you was to serve a personal purpose and your reaction didn't satisfy the purpose, and 2. telling the world about the situation also served a personal purpose and somehow benefited her emotionally (whether it be just to vent, or to get an ego-boost to be known publicly as a desireable woman). Did you act all jealous and angry, or were you honestly not bothered and didn't act bothered or jealous?
  11. sayer7
    Thanks guys... I think my biggest problem is he's the President and owner of the company. I don't know if HR can do anything about it. So if I can't go to HR, what would you do?
  12. sayer7
    I had an ex-bf that had a ton of porno and pics on this computer... after I kept finding it and confronting him about it I decided it was my own insecurity. And then I found pictures of a particular woman he'd been chatting with for months, and emails that said "My gf doesn't move in for another week, let's get together." and after that, "My girlfriend's gone for the Holidays, lets get together this weekend." I decided it wasn't just my insecurity. I agree with Muneca that it is natural for guys to look and I think it's futile to try to get them to stop looking... but if you find evidence that he's actually cheating on you in real life with a particular woman or with particular women.... then maybe there's more that you should know about. But ultimately, snooping is bbaaadddd. You'll always find something to get mad about.... and maybe that's why you're snooping-- to find something to sabotage the relationship with. Maybe you should end the relationship instead of making the relationship worse by snooping. If it's just pictures he's looking at and you truly value the relationship-- stop snooping. It's disrespectful and creates distrust-- hence him locking his computer up.
  13. sayer7
    Sounds kind of suspicious. Test him and tell him to toss the cross-dressing stuff out because he's with you now and if it was just to please the woman he was with back then, then he shouldn't have a problem with it because you don't need those things to be pleased. If he raises a big fuss, then maybe you need to sit down and have a serious, honest, heart-to-heart with him.
  14. sayer7
    My boss has had a crush on me for three years now. The entire time I've only told him I only consider him a friend and will only consider him a friend and co-worker and to stop expecting something to happen between us. I've never led him on, or told him otherwise. It's gotten to the point where he's getting obsessive about knowing all my cell phone numbers and email account addresses and passwords. I have work phone cell which he knows about cause he gave it to me for work purposes. But then he noticed I keep another cell in my car that i use for my own personal use that I didn't give him the number for and it bothers him that I didn't give it to him. He keeps "teasing" and asking me for the number. He is also obsessing about wanting my email passwords to look at my personal email "to see how many boy-friends I have" and he "teases" about this also... but it's getting really annoying. In my book it's absolutely none of his business. How would you guys stop this kind of obessive behavior especially from a boss?
  15. sayer7
    Thanks for all your feedback and support guys! I truly appreciate it.
  16. sayer7
    Thanks for your good insight muneca, DN, and HajiMaji! I appreciate it. I've considered what DN has said, shown revenge by showing what how I wished they'd behaved, but I'm thinking I'll wind up doing what muneca advises by being there for her but not to the same degree for him. I've gone through a lot having gone through tumor surgery and treatment myself alone,and what really makes me angry is how he always discredits what I've been through, degrading my experience as "not serious" compared to what his mother is going through when I do try to provide insight from my perspective having gone through what I have. Three of my best-friends had either a mother or a father die from cancer growing up and I was literally brought up around cancer patients. My family always helped the family's children by taking them in while the mother or father went overseas for surgery and treatment. I've known many other close family friends who have been diagnosed, treated, and survived. So first-hand, I have a lot of experience that I'm willing to give him, but whenever he asks for my opinion he later blows me off, and discredits my own experience with cancer. And it's just so enfuriating to be asked for advice only to have it tossed in the trash bin like it's worthless even considering all my experience with this kind of situation. And it hurts me to be rejected in that way. So I think I'll take muneca's advice for now because he's just ticking me off too much and the past pain of being hurt by him is still too fresh even after a year.
  17. sayer7
    If anyone has been following my posts you may be familiar with my last ex-bf and how close I was to his mother. I've always considered her my second-mother, so the news was very hard to take. Last Thursday she called to tell me she was diagnosed with a grapefruit sized tumor and it is most likely malignant because of her family history with cancer. Her mother died at 74 from ovarian cancer- she is only 60 though. She is due for surgery next week. Because of this I have recontacted my ex to see how he is doing under the situation and to tell him to keep me up-to-date on the details of her condition. I have first-hand experience myself having gone through chemotherapy as I too was diagnosed and survived large spreading tumors last February. And if you've followed my posts, one of the main reasons I broke up with my ex-bf was because he chose not to help me out during/after my emergency tumor surgery/or chemo. The tables have turned and I have some resentment towards my ex. I wouldn't be resentful if he didn't go out of his way to justify why he wasn't there for me last year. I think I would feel better if he would just acknowledge he was wrong and seriously apologize to me. Instead, he apologizes by making excuses and justifications and compares why my situation was different than the situation he is now facing with his mother and why he wasn't there for me. He says "For you, I knew in the end it wasn't serious...but for her, and knowing the family history-- I know it's serious." Ok...in my book, I had to go through chemo anad everything--- so what about MY case wasn't serious to him??? Anyway, despite all his excuses I still just wish he would apologize to me for abandoning me when all of this was happening to me. And that's it... no excuses, no justifications... just a serious, heartfelt apology. In the meantime, I've been trying to support him and have been trying to be positive and hopeful and just be there to let him talk to me... but underneath my support I have this nagging resentment and anger inside me that makes me almost NOT want to try to help him and just be there for her. What would be the best way to deal with this situation? I want to be there for her 100%... but being there for HIM just seems completely unjustifiable; however, not being there for him just seems completely morally and ethically wrong. What do I do? Help please!!
  18. sayer7
    I agree with everybody... lol You just need to stick to your guns and believe in who you are. If other people don't accept you for who you are, that's their problem. Be true to yourself.
  19. sayer7
    Do you doubt that it wasn't your fault or are you just letting him get under your skin because you value his opinion so much?
  20. sayer7
    What exactly would make you feel peace without him? What conditions need to be met? What do you need to say to him to help you find peace with him? What do you want him to understand or acknowledge about you? Just some questions to think about...
  21. sayer7
    If your gut says he's lying and he pastes and copies odd stuff like personal ads that he really had no reason to copy and paste in the first place....that's evidence enough--- don't waste your money trying to get more evidence.
  22. sayer7
    I agree. It's hard to let go but it's better to face the harsh reality... his definition of "break" seems too clearly similar to a "break-UP." I wouldn't call him a bf anymore. Good for you for continuing to better your life outside of that relationship. Continue to do that. I've been in your shoes, but I held on for 8 years... and I wish I'd let go after the first 6 months. And I'm a very stubborn person, too, but after ahwhile you realize that maybe you don't need HIM in particular, but maybe there are certain qualities that he had that you liked and kept you hanging on. The positive side is that there's other guys out there that have the same qualities... it's just a matter of finding them. Keep your eyes peeled and be patient with yourself.
  23. sayer7
    Yea I guess it could go both ways... She might ease into the position of more committment and parental responsibility... or she might ease completely out of wanting to be in the relationship altogether. Which way is she going? Easing in or easing out? I've learned it's best not to assume things because we simply aren't mind-readers. Always best to ask one more time for safe measure, and then let the issue drop and just see how things go. Yes it's fair for her to not want to deal with the kids 100% of the time. I don't think any parent wants to deal with their kids 100% of the time. lol The fairness I was referring to was more related to if she was trying to force you to choose between her or your kids... and I don't think that's even a choice. It sounds like she loves the kids, but feels like she's in competition for your attention-- at least that's what was mentioned in your original post... and that whole competition for attention thing raises a lot of red flags for me- it sounded like she's running off to some other place to pout because you aren't giving her enough attention or something. I dunno... it just struck me as odd and immature. Course I reserve the right to be completely wrong and be reading the original post wrong or something. Anyway, it's one thing to not want to deal with another persons kids 100% of the time-- there's no emotional investment- it's just the other persons kids annoy us sometimes. But it's another thing entirely for a person to not want to deal with another persons kids because they're jealous of the attention the kids get... and jealous enough to move out. It all just seems odd to me. Sorry if I'm confusing you even more. haha... I think you'll make the right decision for you in the end though. You could just wait and see what happens and test the situation out... if it's not working then you'll know it's not working... the right decision will become self-evident.
  24. sayer7
    Normal is very subjective. What is normal for one person may not be normal for another. Like for instance, I'm an insomniac... I may sleep 5 hours in a week and I would consider that above normal for me. For others who sleep 5 hours every night, only sleeping 5 hours a week would be abnormal for them. But because being an insomniac makes me feel frustrated, and exhausted during the day and I wanted to get more sleep-- I sought help and now have a prescription to help me sleep more. I'm just not a happy person when I don't sleep... so I sought help because I wanted a change. As for your depression... if you feel it all the time and you don't want to, maybe you should seek some professional help to find out why you feel down all the time. If feeling depressed is normal for you, and you don't mind it maybe you don't need to find help... but chances are you want a change and want to feel at least a little more happy a little more often... right? Seek a doctor... there may be a medical condition that needs to be dealt with that is causing your depression. Millions of people have to deal with depression, so don't feel abnormal or inadequate... everyone goes through emotional ups and down in their life. Be patient with yourself and worry more about what's normal for you... and if you're unhappy with what's normal for you then be brave and seek some help to change your life. Hope this helps some...
  25. sayer7
    Ah... so she's letting you know, by moving out, that she's serious about her insecurities about being a full-time parent. If you're ok with her not being ready take on those kinds of responsibilities at anytime in the near future, and you don't see the relationship as becoming a serious relationship leading to marriage-- maybe all will be ok. But otherwise, I think you need to re-evaluate your relationship with her and figure out if you really want to be with someone who's not ready to commit fully. I don't think living in separate places will advance the relationship in any way... I personally see it as her trying to distance herself from you and the kids. If she's trying to distance herself from the relationship to this extent, then maybe this relationship isn't what she needs or wants right now at her stage of life? You really have to have a heart-to-heart with her though. Living in two separate places after living together for so long simply isn't going to 'advance' y'all relationship at all... I see it as more a step back.... because the natural progression (if she's truly ready) is her being more committed to the kids and to the relationship with you. Instead, by her desire to move out, I can't help but see this moving out as her bailing out and distancing herself from you and your children. You know what's going on best though... have a talk and judge for yourself and make a decision for both you and your kids... afterall, your children may feel a little hurt if they feel she's leaving because of them... or if they get more attached to her and in the end the relationship is dead-ended. It's not just about you... it's also about her relationship with the kids that you need to consider. Just food for thought.....
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