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sayer7

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Everything posted by sayer7

  1. sayer7
    Nah it's not a fantasy like you would fantasize about some model from a magazine. I see him for what he is with all his faults, I know him too well to idolize him. Course now it's after the fact. I met up with him and we had coffee and a drink and breakfast around 1am and we finally parted around 1:45am. It was really nice to see him. Unfortunately I don't think it helped much with the whole crush thing. He kept asking about if I was dating anyone and I kept saying no. I never asked him if he was seeing anyone. He did ask a curious question about if I "wanted to spend the night" which threw me off a bit cause I hadn't been expected it--(I said "I didn't know I had that option", and he said I "always have that option," but of course I didn't). And we had great conversation as always, unfortunately it just reminded us of all that we had in common and how well we knew each other... which didn't help my whole crush thing either. I did my best not to give him hints that I still had a crush on him. Overall, though, everything was really just friendly- not many romantic gestures. He did touch my hand pretty often after he found out I wasn't dating anyone seriously, but I kept it on just a friendly level and it was just a big friendly hug good-bye. It was pouring raining and freezing so it was a pretty quick big friendly hug good-bye at that. I don't know. I guess I feel a little confused. I don't think meeting him helped end the crush- but it didn't make it any worse. It's about the same as always. Anyway... I guess I'm still trying to find a way to end the crush... any more suggestions??
  2. sayer7
    So much time and life has passed since I last saw him. I was diagnosed with cancer last February and had emergency surgery- he only knows I had surgery, I didn't tell him I had cancer. I gained 20lbs somewhere between surgery and chemo. I've only lost a few pounds of it since and I still feel big. I'm not huge or anything, but he last saw me when I was 116lbs... and here I am at 129 and I know it shows. People still think I look good though. He's not shallow about physical looks... I just know I'm not the person I was before cancer. I feel like a completely different person inside and out-cancer changed my life and perspective completely. I just hope he still likes the new person I've become since I last saw him. I'd be thrilled to simply be better friends with him. I just don't want to have a crush on him anymore cause I'm pretty sure the depth of feelings aren't mutual between us and it's frustrating.
  3. sayer7
    I wouldn't kick yourself about figuring out who's fault it was. It doesn't matter at this point. It's over and it's best not to beat yourself up over something you don't know about right now. I know it hurts though and you have my sympathies... been there myself a couple times. What you do need to do is take care of your self, body, mind, and spirit so you can recover from the illness and get back on your feet again, stronger than ever. Make sure you eat healthily and exercise alittle to burn off some of the hurt and stress you might feel from breaking up. Nothing helps clear the head better than going for a little walk outside and enjoying the day as much as you can. Hope this helps hon. Just remember, time will heal your wounds. "This, too, shall pass."
  4. sayer7
    I always prayed and hoped it would go away. Unfortunately I STILL have a crush on my long-time ago ex-bf, I broke up with him in 1999 because he found out he had a daughter with another woman (long before we had begun to date, but the woman didn't tell him until about a year after the child's birth when we were dating). When he told me, he said he was scared he was going to lose me and I broke up with him so that he could marry the mother and be a full-time father (which never happened because neither wanted to). I thought it would be best if I just weren't in the picture and I've tried so hard to just not be in his life. I've only seen him three times in the last 5 years (the last time was 3 years ago) and this stupid crush persists! I've had at least 2 boyfriends since him and I still have a stupid crush on him. I know the last time I saw him he said he'd tried to get back with his ex-fiancee but he found out she was about to get married to another man and he decided it was finally completely over between them. I always knew he still had a flame for her- which was another reason why I felt my affection was unrequited and that it wouldn't work out for us. For me when I'd first met him it was love at first sight and I thought we were meant for each other. I never told him though. The last time I saw him he said "You know we're perfect for each other, right?" and it's been haunting me ever since. I know he's the flirtatious type and I've learned to take his flirtation with a grain of salt through the years. Well he's been in town this week and he said he wants to get together and get coffee and just catch up on the last 3 years since we last saw each other. I agreed and that's what I'm doing tonight. Last time I saw him I had another bf. This time I'm single. He's been single since I broke up with him....the 'what if's' are endless but I'm sure it's still unrequited affection and I want to stop fooling myself. I would rather have a REAL friendship with him and not this stupid, unrequited fantasy crush. I hate feeling like a fool. What do I do? What's the best way to stop having a crush on him so I can just have a regular plutonic friendship with him?
  5. sayer7
    LOL ok well the cut off sheeps head sounds kinda gross though. lol
  6. sayer7
    My friend was complaining tonight about how little time and money they had to spend on Christmas Gifts this year. I replied "Maybe you should look at what you have in the bank and then figure out a Christmas budget." They said they didn't have time to look at a monthly bank statement and made the snide remark "You never buy anything for anyone for Christmas so what do you know about making a Christmas budget?" It really hurt because I had bought them a $400 mp3 player, an $80 professional grade rice cooker, and about $60 more dollars worth of other small kitchen gadgets and pans last Christmas. They knew I worked a full-time day job, had been a full-time graduate student at night, and had a side business that I worked on until 4am-5am, 5 days a week after I got home from class every night just to make some extra money to spend on other people for Christmas. This friend even complained that I worked to much and didn't hangout with them enough. They work a full-time job and make twice the amount I do on salary and come home from work around 5pm and just sit around and watch tv the rest of the night. I was amazed at their gall to complain about not having enough time or money to spend on Christmas gifts this year and snapping at me about suggesting they look at what they have in the bank and making a Christmas budget. Unlike other times when my friend used to bait me about things just to argue because they were bored, this time it really hurt to my core. I dont feel they understand of how deeply their remark hurt me, and that they don't take me seriously about me being fed up about their constant complaining and arguing - they said I "was full of it" and was over-reacting just before I left because I had started to cry I was so insulted by them trying so hard to defend their remark fully knowing it was a bold faced lie. I spent A LOT of money on them, I worked EXTREMELY hard for that money and sacrificed a lot of quality time with friends and family to make that money, and I DID have to make a Christmas budget. How do I convince them that what they said was completely insulting, deeply hurt me, and totally demeaned all my hard effort last year to earn extra money to be able to give them nice gifts last year? I'm so mad at them I feel like I should send them a piece of coal in the mail for Christmas this year. Help me out guys.....
  7. sayer7
    It is NOT normal for a guy to say to his friends "I'm gonna dump her if she doesn't spend more time with me" if he hasn't even addressed the problem with her first. It's like, hello? Aren't you supposed to be telling her that first so she can actually DO something about it? So yea, it IS gossiping behind her back and it IS disrespectful. Would YOU like to be the last one to find out there's a problem in the relationship and that the consequences of not DOING something about it is the break up of the relationship? How can someone DO something about it if they don't know they have to DO something in the first place? And who would you rather hear of the problem from first? Directly from the person you're involved with or from someone else? Knowing that someone else knows about your personal relationship issues can be really embarrassing. In my book, that's disrespectful and I don't think I'm blowing things out of proportion. It's important to learn what helps make a relationship successful early... good communication and trust are vital. Without either of them you don't have a healthy, beneficial relationship. Period.
  8. sayer7
    Part of a relationship IS to hang out with them and show them you care by talking with them and spending quality time with them. Another part is feeling secure in the relationship and feeling mutual trust and respect between both of you. Be sure to spend time and have quality time with him and enjoy doing things with him like going to movies etc. Relationships develop over time and if he's already threatening to dump you because y'all don't spend much time together then I'm sure you're not feeling very secure in the relationship. And I'm sure it hurt to find out from a friend what he's planning to do. If he has a problem with the relationship, you should be the first one he should talk to about it- not a friend. Tell him next time he has an issue, then that you'd prefer to hear it from him and not through the grapevine because that's what people do (talk directly to someone) when they respect them. Good communication is all tied into having a good relationship and trust and respect. It's not nice to gossip about your partner behind their back-especially about bad things like dumping them and breaking-up. Personally think those kind of things should be first tried to be dealt with in private rather than having the whole world know about it, and you the last one to find out. Make a deal with him : If he'll stop gossiping about y'alls problems to everyone, then you'll hang out with him more-- otherwise I don't think that' was a very nice boyfriend thing to do to you and you might be better off without him if he DOES dump you.
  9. sayer7
    It seems odd that he's moving out after having been together so long. Maybe he's getting cold feet but doesn't want to hurt you? If this is the case, don't let him draw out the inevitable. If a guy's not ready he's not ready. However if a guy's wishy washy about getting married, it's not fair to leave you standing with a bunch of questions in your mind. Just because a guy move out doesn't mean he intends to cheat on you... however you do have to have a mature sit-down conversation with him and find out the true reasons behind him moving out. Otherwise you'll just be guessing and have questions in the back of your mind-- and being his fiancee you deserve clear cut answers. Marriage is about full committment, and if he's moving out now it doesn't seem he's got full committment on the brain right now. For some reason he doesn't want to live with you (sorry if that hurt to hear). You have a right to know the honest reason why he's moving out. Ask him in a mature, honest conversation. Hope this helps...
  10. sayer7
    1. The fact that you guys have broken up so many times only to get back together again makes me think that this relationship is just a crutch for both of you- that one or both of you don't know what you truly want in a relationship, and you both need to re-evaluate (with utmost honesty with yourselves) what would make you happy-- what kind of relationship would be most happy in regardless of who you're with? 2. It seems you are defining yourself based on whether you have him or not and if he'll continue to want you even when you guys have broken up. That is not a healthy mentality. Self-worth is how you perceive yourself-- not how someone else perceives you. Other people cannot put a value on you because they truly don't know all that you are-- they just know about the parts of you that you let them see. Only you know your true worth and value and it comes from within. 4. It sounds like you're trying to play a game with NC...it's NOT a game to try and manipulate someone to want to get back with you. You choose NC if you truly feel your life would BENEFIT from not seeing that person for awhile-- THe NC time should be used focus on your own healing, becoming a stronger person, becoming better than you were. 5. If you want to play games, then a relationship is not for you-- it will only hurtful to both. To have a healthy, committed, loving relationship you have to be mature about it. I think if you do choose NC, choose it for the right reasons-- to take time out to improve yourself physically and emotionally... do not expect to get him back. JUST expect that after NC you'll have discovered more self-worth, self-respect, self-committment, a healthier frame of mind, and fresh perspective on life for a more successful, mutally respectful and loving relationship in the future.
  11. sayer7
    I agree with cleverme. It sounds like he knew what he was doing and unless the car agreement is in writing, don't let him have it. It's your car. I would also sell the house and the extra car and move somewhere where you'll know you'll be a little happier and get a fresh start. I would also say forget him because he sounds like a loser, but I know that even losers are hard to forget. So instead of trying to tell you to do things that are easier said than done, I would focus on your own well-being and doing something good and healthy for yourself-- work out, eat right, eat healthy stuff besides bologna (lol), and get reconnected with your family and friends because you need a support group (along with us of course!). I've been in your shoes before. Moved all the way up to Michigan from North Carolina to be with a guy I thought was THE ONE, and found out once I got there he'd cheated on me multiple times throughout our year long relationship before I moved to be with him-- plus he was a psychotic, obsessive, abusive person (taking my car battery out so I couldn't go anywhere, putting video cameras all over the house to watch me, not allowing me to use the computer to communicate with my family - and when I was allowed to- he DICTATED what I had to say word for word telling them everything was fine). I learned some important lessons from him. 1. Don't let him get you down. 2. No one has power over you unless you let them, and 3. You make your own decisions in life and have to take responsibility for the consequences of those decisions. Learn from this decision and consequence and move on... don't be judgemental of yourself or beat yourself up about it- just move on- because this is just life. This kind of bad stuff happens to good people, but the good thing is that you're not alone. I wish you luck if you choose to have a new beginning and hope you get your appetite back.
  12. sayer7

    Me

    sayer7 replied to if only's topic in Personal Growth

    You seem like a great outgoing caring girl so don't change. One of these days a guy will see you and think you're even more gorgeous than the girl friends your with. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder afterall. Wait for him and have a great time being yourself in the meantime.
  13. sayer7
    I personally don't see a reason to use email or cell phone to discuss normal everyday relationship issues and arguments... UNLESS the gf or bf is clearly abusive and there is a threat to physical safety... and even in that case I think all contact should be avoided so there's no point in emailing or calling in that kind of case at all. If it's an abusive relationship I say leave it because the cycle of violence and abuse only continues and worsens as time goes on. This is from a criminal justice professional's stand-point of course and just my opinion. I deal with domestic violence cases on a daily basis so I might have a biased extreme view of things.
  14. sayer7
    hockeyboy makes a good point about having a connection. I had a deep connection with one of my ex's and I still do even though we'd been broken up since (1999). In 2003 I had to soul search to figure out why I kept thinking about him because it was affecting my new relationships. My ex is a special forces soldier and had been abroad on mission for 2 years after 9/11. We met as friends a few months after he returned and he'd said "You know, we're perfect for each other..." I was just beginning a new relationship at that point and I turn him down, but I realized I'd waited years for my ex to simply realize we'd been perfect for each other. I'd spent our whole relationship trying to show him that we had been perfect for each other and when he hadn't figured it out after so many years I broke up with him. It took him 4 years AFTER THE FACT to figure it out. However it was his mere acknowledgement that helped me find inner peace and to move on with my life. I still think of him everyday, but it's not in terms of "What if..." anymore. It's more in terms of "Thank-you. I wish you well." All I'm saying is that sometimes a connection can be amplified if you have issues yet to be resolved with that person. You might want to soul search to figure out what you'd needed your ex to say or do in order to help you find closure, let go of the past, and move forward again.
  15. sayer7
    The body doesn't need either of them for survival, and both do more harm than good when used in the long run or abused. I just remember in college when some smarty put his stash of weed in the dorm heating vent thinking he'd get away clean if there were a random room search that night. The whole dorm wound up getting high from it. I've hated marijuana since then cause the smell made me hug porcelain all night and until about noon the next day. So from that experience I have to say it's probably not good for your body. lol And I don't drink alcohol. I'm asian and drinking alcohol makes my skin flush red and I get an all over body itchy rash which definitely isn't worth the buzz. And like the pot, I say if it can make my body feel that awful then it's probably not good for me. lol
  16. sayer7
    Cry and talk and keep lines of communication open with his family. It helped me when my friend died in high school. Just don't try to ignore how you feel or pent. Acknowledge how you feel and be sure to find someone to talk to. Try to use the energy to do something positive for someone else. One thing that my school did that was positive was to fund raise to purchse a block of marble to etch his name in and put in a Cathedral in New York City. The remaining money you raise can go to a community charity of the family's choice-- like a neighborhood hospice for instance. Just remember that it's ok to cry and feel loss... talk with others and help the family get through this time. Hope this helps some and my prayers are with you.
  17. sayer7
    True. Intimate touch wasn't a problem until after surgery. I think I might also have abandonment issues because my ex wasn't there to help me before or after surgery( he said it was too stressful and he needed to be with his other friends. When I called he was at the mall/at the bar-- In the meantime I had to drive myself to my pre-op appointments/tests/surgery/talks about chemo/ and arrange for someone I barely knew to drive me home from the hospital after a 2 day post-operative stay). I didn't see my ex until almost a week after surgery when he came with a friend to celebrate my birthday and they left that same night. He knew my parents and other family were in Hawaii or out of town and were relying on him to be there for me. It was a two hour drive out of town for him to see me though cause I had surgery out of town with a specialist. I know I felt abandoned. He didn't show like he told my family he would. Maybe I'm scared to get intimately attached to another person because of that. I know my family was hurt by him. I hate emotional baggage. My new friend is attractive and wonderful and caring and accepting, my parents would like him. But I can't help myself but feel repulsed when he reaches for my hand. It's very frustrating.
  18. sayer7
    Well I broke up with my ex-bf August 1st for many reasons and I left the relationship with very little self-esteem. One of the big issues was not feeling attractive anymore because of my tumor surgery scar on my belly (I had cancer surgery last February). My ex flat out told me he was no longer attracted to me because of it and that having sex with me was a chore. We never had sex again-- and even before that we only had sex once every 2 or 3 months. I was with him for almost 2 years. Well here it is November. I met and started dating someone new in mid October and he's wonderful, really attractive and accepts me for who I am including my surgery scar. Nothing serious yet, he's taking things pretty slow. The only BIG problem that we've encountered is that when he wants to hold hands or when he's trying to be romantic and cuddle with me on the couch, his touch makes my skin crawl. I'm so repulsed by it I wind up pushing him away and I always feel so guilty about how repulsed I feel. It only happens when he initiates the touching. If I reach out and hold his hand or lean up against him to cuddle on the couch everything's fine I don't feel repulsed. When he initiates the touch I'm repulsed. It's not the way he touches, it's just the fact that I'm being touched...period. How do I get over this repulsion whenever he initates the touch? WHY do I feel repulsed when he touches me in the first place? I'm very attracted to him overall so my reaction to his touch completely confuses me. Do you think it's tied to my self-esteem issues from my last relationship? Any input is welcome.....
  19. sayer7
    Well she could be testing the waters. Sometimes people say things they don't mean hoping to say what the other person wants to hear just to make them happy.... if that makes any sense. She might've said she wouldn't contact you ever again 2 years ago because she thought that's what you wanted to hear or what was needed to make things 'right', or reflective of how she thought you felt about her--that you didn't want her in your life anymore after being hurt by her. But now, by saying "hello are you interested?" she might just be testing the waters to see where she stands with you now after so much time has passed. Time changes people and she might be wondering how time has changed your feelings about her. Ultimately the choice to reply back is yours of course. But that's just my take on why she's doing this....
  20. sayer7
    He doesn't seem very straight-forward with you and his actions with the profile are dubious especially considering he's said he doesn't see a future with you. I know it hurts, but I think you just need to call or email him and tell him it's over. HE HAS NO POWER OVER YOU and you have complete control over the decisions you make and how you live your life. He's playing mind games with you and that's not respectful to you at all.
  21. sayer7
    Studying seriously bites... specially if you have no interest in what you're studying. Was the same way until I figured out what I had a passion for in life. When you find something in life that you're passionate about the easier it is to study, to focus, to do what you need to do to accomplish the goals that come alone with the passion. What are you passionate about in life? Is there a particular academic subject you love? Is there something else IN PARTICULAR you'd rather be doing? As a child what did you see yourself being when you grew up? What kinds of things did you like to do when you were a kid? These were some of the questions I asked myself when I got to the point you are at now. It helped me redirect my life towards a goal that was more inline with what I naturally liked to do.
  22. sayer7
    Well I think 8:01 or 7:59 is just as fine as 8:00. hehe... just as long as the call is made around 8:00. And if you don't know this girl too much you might want to ask what she'd like to do on a date. I always think it's cool for a guy to ask the girl if she has any input on the date... and if she doesn't, just say dinner and/or a movie and leave it open for program changes based on how you guys feel once you two finally meet up. However long it takes to establish that you're interested in what she likes to do on dates and what time y'all will meet and establishing a tenatitive plan on what y'all will do for the date- will be how long your phone call will be. Show interest in her and her input regardless-- afterall a date's about getting to know a person and seeing if y'all can be good friends at least, not signing your life and soul away. hehe
  23. sayer7
    Oh and yes, I think your approach is fine. Just don't rehash the argument.... if the holidays come around and you still don't hear from her I think it's fine to send a holiday card or email and keep it light and friendly to wish her a happy holiday season. That's what people who truly care about someone do-- and the Holiday Season is the best excuse to make contact with people you don't want to lose contact with.
  24. sayer7
    If you know you will always care about her, then email her and tell her that and that you will always care about her no matter what and leave communications open with her-- and then just wait. My parents, after I had a angry tantrum like that under those circumstances, would always say "Nothing you could do could make us not love you. You are our daughter and that's what you'll always be to us. We will always love you." I even went to the lowest of lows and told my mom I didn't love her and even hated her (all the while I was bawling on her shoulder with her hugging me, lol)... my mom of course saw through all of it. In anycase, I finally got it through my head that their love for me was unconditional- that they would always love me- and that was that- whether I liked it or not. Period. However, they did say "We are a family and we try our best to treat you with respect at all times... and even if we are angry, we must take some time to think about what we want to say and what is making us angry and address the issue in a respectful tone." Both of you deserve some time out to heal and think and recouperate and remind yourself that you deserve respect at all times. My parents would leave me alone to think for about 30 minutes to an hour and when they came back we would discuss the issue, but if the discussion became a full out argument again we'd take another break to think and then try to discuss it again. Usually after that first break we'd be cooled down enough to talk the issue out, and of course I'd be apologizing for every mean thing I said to them. So in your case, I would just send an email tell her you care about her and will always care about her and leave the communication open... but overall leave her alone to think for awhile. Don't discuss or rehash anything about the argument in the email... just tell her you care about her no matter what and that you're available to talk with when she feels ready. Focus on your healing and regain your own strength in the meantime. Don't forget about your needs and keep your own mental health in mind as well. You deserve respect... they don't have a right to speak to you in a spitefully mean morally degrading or abusive way. To speak to you at all is a priviledge right?! 8) lol You get what I mean....you're deserve better treatment and assert yourself. Afterall, you teach others how to treat you.
  25. sayer7
    I agree with Mahlina, Perhaps it is best that you both take time away to heal especially for you... I don't believe that anyone, man or woman, should be entitled to hurting others just because they feel it's justifiable because all their life they were hurt by others. There's no reason to not give others respect. Like I said, I feel a lot of her anger/rage/emotional outburts/tantrums are based on her sense of shame. Until she effectively deals with this feeling of shame I don't believe her anger/rage/emotional outbursts/tantrums will change. Please be aware of this and consider what is best for you. Avoid going into a co-dependent relationship. Only she and a trained professional therapist can effectively deal with her childhood issues and mend the problems that are emerging in her current life stage. Trying to help someone you love and care about can become unhealthy and addictive even. Make sure you see the relationship for what it is and not chocolate coat it and convince yourself the relationship will get significantly better without any effort on her part to deal with her issues. She has to put effort into it learning about what a healthy relationship is all about... and if she keeps running away from you and the relationship- doing the fight-or-flight thing, that's not going to help the relationship in any way. I think you sound like a great person and someone who deserves a great mutually loving/rewarding relationship. Remember that you and your emotional health matters also!
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