sayer7

I'm a survivor of childhood abuse (from 9 until 13) and I can relate to what you and your gf are going through (I'm now 25). I have a master's degree in Criminal Justice, work for the Department of Criminal Justice in North Carolina, and specialize in Victim Assistance for Victims of Child Abuse and Domestic Violence. I was also adopted, except my adoptive parents were not my abusers. 1. As to her pushing you away after being intimate or feeling close-- After being abused for so long it's hard to open up and feel vulnerable around other people. The learned response is to either run away and hide, or become "combative" and fight against the perceived enemy. I spent many years dealing with this myself. After being abused for years, I was afraid even my parents and friends would take advantage of my vulnerability like my abusers always had. I had to RELEARN how to allow myself to feel vulnerable with them and fight against my 'fight or flight' reaction when I felt vulnerable. The mere act of trusting someone may be hard for her- afterall, the person that abused her was her adopted father-- someone she knew in her immediate family circle and was supposed to and expected to trust. Until she learns how to have a healthier relationship with others, this 'fight or flight' reaction will continue whenever she feels vulnerable around others because her normal idea of a 'relationship' is based on how her father abused her. 2. As to her rage, and feelings of low self worth-- I feel it's all tied to the feelings of a deep-setted sense of shame within her. Particularly, shame that developed from having been abused by her adoptive father. Shame is the feeling that something about you, inherently, is wrong-- that the core of who 'you' are as a person, is not loveable, not worth anything, ugly, and bad- and you were born that way. She may blame herself for being abused and being put up for adoption because she feels that the core of herself is so inherently ugly and unloveable and not worth anything she might think "Who would want to treat ME good or want to stay around and not abandon me? I don't think I"m worth it so why should they?'. 3. She learned that when her father got angry SHE felt the consequences by being verbally and physically abused and violated in the most intimate ways-- so it's not surprising that she may have an extreme emotional reaction when she sees you get angry with her. This is her learned reaction. She doesn't want to get physically or emotionally hurt again, especially by someone she cares about- like a boyfriend. Shame-based anger and the scars from child abuse CAN be mediated, but it involves seeking help and the willingness of that person to look within and heal themselves as well. She needs to find the strength to look within-- and then she'd most likely find that she's NOT as ugly or unloveable or valueless as she thought. What helps is to be in a relationship of unconditional love, enduring patience, behaviorable reliability and trustworthiness, open and loving communication, and utmost honesty. After awhile of experiencing these good qualities in a relationship she may LEARN what it means to be in a healthy relationship and how much you value her and how valuable she truly is. She may find the strength she needs to deal with her problems. This is how my adoptive parents dealt with my reactions to my abuse and how I've come so far in healing as I have. Best of luck, hon. Hope this helped you to understand the dynamics behind her 'quirks'. Here are some links that have some good information and further resource links: Stop It Now, Campaign To Prevent Child Abuse link removed The Wounded Healer: A Community to support those who had been abused or experienced trauma or abuse - oriented to psychotherapists that experienced abuse and trauma.... lots of good links. link removed The National Child Assault Prevention Project link removed

If he's cheated on you and continuously is overtly disrespectful to you and you're thinking of being with someone else then it's best just to end the relationship because it's obvious there's no respect or trust and those are two things that should be at the basis of any relationship.

If you're talking about suicidal "drastic," then yes, you need to talk to his mother so that someone can watch over him. You might just want to tell her that you guys broke up and that you're worried about him because he's been acting depressed and suggest she should keep a little closer watch to make sure he's doing ok. Don't be all dramatic or anything, just say you're worried about him and you think she should keep her eyes and ears open if he ever came to her to talk about anything or seemed to be acting depressed at home. If she doesn't take you seriously, then that's HER perogative... but at least you DID something to try to help him if he doesn't take your help directly. Probably best not to be too confrontational with him too as this might push him further into depression. If you do see him, you could always just mention you're always open to listening or talking to him... sometimes we just need to vent and know someone is sincerely listening and willing to give their input. Like this site for instance! As for the dumping... yes, you were the one that was dumped, but he clearly said he was dumping you because HE felt completely inadequate, and worthy of hatred, and probably in his mind he was saving you from him. His mentality was "I'll reject you before you reject me because I know I'm not worthy of anything or anybody." That kind of self-rejection can be even more devastating than the rejection the dumped feels. Keep this in mind and try to be understanding.

My ex was very egotistical and self-fish and... well... he's my ex. He used to always want to be the center of attention when we went out with his friends and he would go out of his way to say mean things to strangers he didn't even know like we were at a very upscale restaurant and he said to one woman "Your dress makes me want to vomit" just to get a laugh out of his friends. And then once we went to a winery with some friends and it was clear one of the wineries was clearly closed to host a wedding. There were hundreds of people outside nicely dress, the bride and groom were in the middle of their marriage ceremony with the pasteur in the front. We had pulled up into the parking lot despite me telling him just to leave right away. Then I told my ex "Well it's clear there's a wedding going on, lets just leave the parking lot before anyone notices and we disturb them all." And then he had the bright idea to CALL the winery from his cell "just to see if they were open for wine tasting." And I got furious with him when we could hear the telephone ring inside the building, the ceremony STOPPED so that someone could run inside to get my ex's phone call and for them to say they're closed for a wedding. And then he was grumpy that I was furious with him the rest of the day saying that he was right for calling and disrupting the marriage ceremony "just to find out if they were open for tasting". How self-fish and self-centered and egotistical can you get to crash a stranger's wedding??! I was so mad at him. He just wanted to be the center of attention-- it was hurtful, and completely unnecessary. He's 32 and never grew out of his egotistical/self-fish ways. So I'm glad you're wanting to change. I hope you do before you truly hurt and embarrass the people you care about most, and everyone else that might get in the crossfire.

With my ex-- even though there is a lot of hurt and resentment inside me still, I know that he is just a man trying to do the best way he has been taught in life. I may not agree with how he lives, or his value system, or his priorities in life-- but I will always want to know if he is happy in life, and that life isn't stagnating- that his life is moving on, and he feels good the way his life is moving/developing. Maybe that's one reason why she's asking you the "What's/Who's New" question. She might feel that if your are happy, then the break-up was the right thing to do - and re-justify her belief that the break-up was justified and necessary-- that the pain wasn't wasted and that at least someone benefitted in the long-run.

I don't think it matters why he's doing it, but the fact that he IS doing it. I wouldn't want to be friends with a guy who did all those mean things to me not matter why he's doing it. I would get the idea that he didn't respect me or treat me like a true friend in the first place. He doesn't seem to care about your feelings at all by wanting to make you feel excluded and lying to you about the tickets. That was just below low. Some guys are just too small headed to realize they're being self-fish, petty, and hurtful. You might want to re-evaluate wanting to try to be friends with him because he's not treating you with the respect a true friend would give you.

Well see my problem with my ex was that when he complained I didn't spend enough time with him (even though I was living with him), I'd cancel all my plans for that day and make sure I was home when he got home... but when I got to his house he would ignore me/blow me off and not acknowledge my presense for 2 hours. OR if he did acknowledge my presense is was to say 'What are you doing here?" as if I weren't welcome and didn't live there. He literally said "I don't say Hi because it's unnecessary. If you don't like that, then you need to dump me." And all I wanted him to say was say 'Hi,' acknowledge my presense, act like he's happy to see me at the end of his day, and seem at least a little appreciative -FULLY KNOWING I had cancelled all my plans to make sure to spend quality time with him because he'd complained. This happened 4 times a week while I was living with him for 10 months. I even changed careers entirely so that I could be more available to him because he kept complaining I wasn't available enough. He says not saying Hi and hugging just wasn't done in his family but being that I became very close to his family while I was involved with him(spending practically every weekend and every other week day with them) they never once did not say hi when he first walked into the house or gave him a hug- so I imagine he just lied about that so as not to put any extra effort into showing me he cared about me. In my family, regardless of one's mood or what happened at work or what stresses you went through during your day-- we at least said 'Hi' and gave each other a hug, acknowledged their presense before we went into our own rooms and did whatever wanted by our selves. Just a hi and a hug. It took 5 seconds- It wasn't difficult. So that's what I'd told him I needed him to do... a hi and a hug and then he could do whatever he wanted. But he outright refused to do it even thought it's something you can do to brighten one's day... all the while telling me he loved me and wanted me in his life forever. So that's why I wonder maybe a hi and a hug is too high of an expectation... or maybe I have a too idealistic concept of how people who love each other should treat each other. What do you think?

Maybe you're still interested in getting back together because you don't feel the break-up was justified and I think she's not getting back with you because she does think the break up is justified-- and that main problem of the relationship may have been her (blaming herself)-- not you-- and that's what's keeping her from saying 'yes'. I know even if my ex learned to be more mature and treated other people with more respect and dignity I would not go back with him because I absolutely hated who I was when I was with him. I was naggy and vindictive and controlling and angry all the time. I firmly believe we were not compatible to each other. I also know he can find someone else more naturally compatible to him to be happy with, and I can find someone else to be happy with also. I think you have at least learned the importance of positive change in your life- and that's wonderful- but it seems she blames herself for why you guys broke up-- and until she feels she has changed for the better also, and regains self-esteem and self worth- she will continue not to consider reconciliation because doing so would mean the potential for hurting you again. Of course this is just my guess... she might be saying no just because she's stubborn or something. But it's obvious that in her mind the break-up is still justified in some way and that is keeping you guys from getting back together. You might just want to ask her "Why?"

Since breaking up with my ex, I've started to analyze his behavior and how he treated me. I wondered if other people had friends or significant others who, when you went out of your way to do something nice for them they blew you off/ignored you. And instead of saying thank-you and appreciating you, they were snide and hostile towards you? How did you react? If it happened consistently on a regular daily basis-- what would/did you do about it? But I wondered: Is demanding more friendly, respectful, courteous treatment a too high expectation for my future relationships? I've seen this kind of maltreatment within families and I'm starting to think that maybe I just have too high of expectations- that it doesn't seem "normal" to treat people that you say you love and want in your life with love or respect, or dignity. I don't want to reduce my expectations and accept a more cynical view of relationships, but I'm starting to get the idea that my expectations are too high and that I'm being too idealistic. What do you guys think or feel about it?

Yea, snooping can be addictive. hehe Still isn't good though, but I know where you're coming from. It's like the more trustworthy he behaves the more you feel like you need to snoop to find out if you can actually believe he's trustworthy. It's like an adrenaline rush but you know that it's disrespectful and you should really just trust him. And then you snoop and then you feel bad for not trusting him which lowers your self-esteem even more which is yet one of the sources of your insecurity in the first place. It's a viscious cycle I don't snoop anymore because I really hurt the person I was involved with many years ago(my first serious boyfriend) and I know now that if I had dealt with my personal insecurities and distrust earlier we might've been on at least speaking terms now. And yes, if he's like any other normal dude, he might get fed up with trying to prove himself to you and just decide to give up on the relationship. Everyone likes to know that they are able to satsify at least some of their significant other's major needs in a relationship (such as trust), that their s/o believes in them-- it's a self-esteem booster for them. If they never feel they can, they may get fed up trying. The counselor may help you look into your deepest fears and insecurities and be able to help you in your relationship-- often our insecurites and fears have very little to do with the specific partner you're with-- but more underlying general fears and insecurities. So it would be good to see a couples counselor and you're desire to do so is very commendable and brave. It takes guts to improve oneself and face your fears afterall! I'm glad you didn't take any of my last post wrong. lol I can be perty harsh sometimes.

I personally remember my best experience because the first time wasn't that great, it was like "first time was ok, but I sure hope the next time's better." Practice makes perfect and nothing beats practice with someone you feel is your committed soulmate. Don't get disheartened if the first time's not that great, (it may be absolutely fantastic- one never knows what to expect) but look more forward to getting better with practice and experience with your committed partner. It's truly an artform and with all artforms it takes patience, love, and understanding to learn how to make the art better. Best wishes!!

I think you sound very sane. Until my last relationship I never knew I had an anger issue. I'd never lost my temper with anyone before that, my family and friends always considered me the most patient, communicative, easiest to get along with-- and then I met him. My ex was a 'habitually angry person' who felt that if there wasn't something to be angry about he didn't feel good inside, or feel like things were normal and would go out of his way to make himself angry again like telling a stranger "Your dress makes me want to vomit." He was the type that felt normal when he was angry at something- and blamed everyone else but himself. And me being someone who tries to get along with everyone bent over backwards trying to change to better suit him and in the end he was always still angry about something about me. Eventually it got to the point where his deliberate argumentativeness made me so angry I slapped him accross the chest and left a handprint (something I could've never imagined myself doing to anyone in my lifetime) and I suddently realized my relationship with him was bringing out my own anger and that I was becoming someone I absolutely hated. And it truly scared me. That's when I started to focus my angry energy on starting my own business, my studies at school, my health, my work, and everything else that I valued that was more positively productive in my life. I haven't lost my temper since... and its been sorely tested before and after I broke up with him. I started refusing to argue with him which made him even more angry with me... but I realized being angry wasn't the person I was meant to be in life. I simply chose to seek happiness and rediscover my self-worth, true identity, and value that I'd lost since being with him. I simply wanted to feel good about myself in life. So I think you're very sane and I'm glad you're seeking better, more positive avenues to focus your energy. Best of luck!!

I think you sound very sane. Until my last relationship I never knew I had an anger issue. I'd never lost my temper with anyone before that, my family and friends always considered me the most patient, communicative, easiest to get along with-- and then I met him. My ex was a 'habitually angry person' who felt that if there wasn't something to be angry about he didn't feel good inside, or feel like things were normal and would go out of his way to make himself angry again like telling a stranger "Your dress makes me want to vomit." He was the type that felt normal when he was angry at something- and blamed everyone else but himself. And me being someone who tries to get along with everyone bent over backwards trying to change to better suit him and in the end he was always still angry about something about me. Eventually it got to the point where his deliberate argumentativeness made me so angry I slapped him accross the chest and left a handprint (something I could've never imagined myself doing to anyone in my lifetime) and I suddently realized my relationship with him was bringing out my own anger and that I was becoming someone I absolutely hated. And it truly scared me. That's when I started to focus my angry energy on starting my own business, my studies at school, my health, my work, and everything else that I valued that was more positively productive in my life. I haven't lost my temper since... and its been sorely tested before and after I broke up with him. I started refusing to argue with him which made him even more angry with me... but I realized being angry wasn't the person I was meant to be in life. I simply chose to seek happiness and rediscover my self-worth, true identity, and value that I'd lost since being with him. I simply wanted to feel good about myself in life. So I think you're very sane and I'm glad you're seeking better, more positive avenues to focus your energy. Best of luck!!

BOTH of you need counseling... not just you and not just him... particularly you might benefit from "couple counseling" where both of you go to discuss and work out relationship issues. It sounds to me your relationship is based on insecurity, deception, lack of trust, revenge, spitefulness, and basically lust (for each other and for other people when offer). These definitely AREN'T the qualities of a healthy, long-lasting, committed, successful relationship. I think both of you have issues in all of these things that need to be addressed with counseling. As for the snooping- The snooping must stop. You have no right to blame your snooping behavior on him no matter what he did that hurt you. Take responsibilty for yourself and your actions. Snooping is an invasion of privacy punishable by law, and completely disrespectful to him. I learned the hardway that if you want a relationship to end on an even MORE sour note than it had already developed into-- go ahead and snoop. I'm sorry if I sound harsh but snooping and trust do not go hand in hand no matter how you look at it, and no matter what your partner does to try to prove that he's trustworthy-- by continuing to snoop, you are proving to him you aren't trustworthy. Have some dignity and recognize your self-worth and don't stoop to a lower level of character just because you want revenge. I hope you haven't taken any of this the wrong way cause I honestly hope that you guys make it and can work things out! Keep lines of communication open and take personal responsibility in making the relationship better-- not worse.

Thanks Scout-- always feel free to keep reminding me cause I know how easy it is for someone to delude themselves over time. I know people say it takes 1/2 the time you were in the relationship to get over it and I know it's only been a short time but I'm hoping it remains as relatively smooth going as it has been so far. I know I'll have my down times too. Sometimes I do feel lonely but then I remember I'm now free and can hang out with my old friends without negative consequences from him-- and I call them up and go do something with them. I started a side business since the break up and I also got promoted to VP of the company I work for-- so I've been really busy with all these life changes and don't dwell on too many negativites of the past. I do notice often however how much my life has improved and so quickly since I let that relationship go. It's like a barrier that held me back from achieving positive things for myself, was lifted away. All these good things have been helping to restore my sense of self-worth and self respect but I know I still have a long way to go still and that I still need to face the fact that I need to learn to trust myself and my judgement again. I hope I keep plugging along with few setbacks. And as for him being the one needing to compromise for me-- very well put Johnny. He's as arrogant and self-fish as they come....

I broke up with my bf in July and I've had no contact since-- he sent a few emails that took a lot of effort not to reply to and I've ignored his phone calls once I bought Caller ID. Basically, he's through his bully stage where he tried to bully me and guilt-trip me into getting back with him. And today, after about 2 weeks of nothing from him, I received a different type of email simply asking "What do you need me to do to make things right again? I'm willing to change but I need you to compromise for me." I haven't replied to it and I'm not going to, but it made me rather mad just reading it. Here is the same man who for 2 years outright told me he REFUSED to change and "would NEVER change" and that I would have to 'either accept it or dump him'. And for 2 years I was the one who compromised and sacrificed myself, I bit my lip, I sucked all my hurt feelings up and let him treat me like a doormat. I compromised and sacrificed everything (lifestyle/career/friends) and lost my sense of self-respect in the process - all in order to give my relationship with him a little more of a chance. And now he has the gall to even think I'd be interested in getting back together with him and moreso, have the gall to tell me I needed to compromise a little MORE for him to make things right???? Am I in the twilight zone or does his behavior and email make any sense to anyone else here?

I have to agree. He doesn't seem to treat you very well and he's probably regretting his decision. He's acting like a yo-yo... wanting you, then not wanting you, then wanting you again. If you want to get back together, then remember what happened last time but try to forgive him and always strive to make the relationship better-- and NOT do a repeat. It didn't work for a reason last time....try to change that reason so you have a better relationship the next time around. But if don't want to be with him again, you might want to put more distance between you guys until it's made clear (and I mean clear as crystal) you just want to be friends and that you aren't considering getting back together with him. Definitely don't sleep at each others houses either-- that can confuse anybody if they're thinking they want to get back to being romantically involved with you again.

The best thing you can do is change phone numbers and even move to another address. Don't talk to or contact her at all. Unless you went to the cleric and got married, or you were with her for however many years it takes to be declared married by common law for your state-- you aren't married- and she is obviously delusional and needs professional help considering it's been almost 2 years. She has no legal backing for you to pay her bills so even if she tried to legally get you to pay her bills it won't fly in court (I work in the criminal justice field, btw). Stay as far away as possible and don't eg her on. No Contact is the way to go in this situation as it's been going on for far too long.

All I can say about the struggles and strife people experience in their lifetime is that by going through struggle and tribulation, one develops character and strength, and if anything- that is why the creative force or God allows such things to occur in our world. I believe also, besides famine and natural disasters that cause innocent casualties that many people die and suffer out of their own folly or other people's maliciousness and will to be destructive (drug and alcohol abuse, rape, child abuse, etcetc.) There is a sense of human victimology and the loss of power over the outcome of our lives that keeps some from thriving. Afterall it is easier to blame others for the suffering we experience rather than accept our own responsibility in our experiences. I'm not immune to this... every human can feel this way. I always find myself blaming the other person before I step back and realize I have power in how I experience my life.... but blaming another person has always been my immediate reaction. I was a victim of child abuse for several years and I too thought I lost faith in God or whatever power was out there... I kept praying for God to deliver me into safety and protect me... but it went on for 4 years. For another decade after that I proclaimed myself agnostic and didn't have faith in a christian god. It wasn't until 2 years ago I rediscovered my faith in a creative source and accepted what I had experienced as a child. Afterall, that experience created the strong person I am today. I'm simply saying it is sad that there is struggle and hatred and the sense of powerlessness and victimization in our world, but I believe that it is present in our world for a reason-that it was created (like everything else was created) for a reason and a purpose- but what that reason is, is open to interpretation.

I was raised the christian way but I'm not going to do the typical christian thing and try to convert you or anything because I've literally been around the world and know too many things about other religions and know it's best to keep an open mind than a judgemental one. I agree with you that there is a higher power of some sort guiding you and helping you along. I personally think there's too many religions and faiths out there in the world to think otherwise. Most of them are focused around some creative/destructive entity/ies or source/s that has/have the power to influence your own personal life in some way. I personally like to think of this entity more as a creative entity rather than a destructive one because if you think of it as a creative entity- there are more things that are possible and longer-lived than impossible or short-lived. I like to think that something out there is waiting for my participation and contribution to help it create even more possibilities (hopefully in a positive way)- not only in my own personal life but in other people's lives as well. When you influence another persons life- even if it's just a smile as you pass them in the mall-you're helping the creative entity create not only your own living, social environment- but also another person's. So how do you want to live? How do you want to participate and contribute to create your world experience as well as other people's world experience? I believe the creative entity created all of us to serve a purpose, it may be to discover something ground breaking, or to simply make every day life more enjoyable for you and for others experiencing you in their lives. Both are admirable purposes in my book. Life takes on a whole new meaning and seems a lot more manageable and possible when you believe in a higher power. I'm glad you believe in one...

Thanks for the encouragement. I think my biggest problem is me. I remember after my emergency tumor surgery and laying in the hospital bed crying cause my main concern was that my bf of two years was going to stop thinking I was pretty and not want me anymore. I mean of course I could've really used a shoulder to cry on to hear about cancer and needing chemo and he wasn't there even when he knew no one was around to be with me (all of my family was out of town and couldn't be there). I had to drive myself to the hospital for pre-op and surgery and arrange everything for myself for when I was released from the hospital. He went out drinking with friends instead of being with me after surgery. I'd needed him and he wasn't available. I'm a strong and independent person, but sometimes I need some help and I get tired of relying on myself all the time. My doc said she admired me for being such a strong person for going through it alone but what else could I do- I had to be strong for myself cause no one else could help me be strong or be there to help me. And then when I was allowed to intimate with someone 3 months later, he said my scar bothered him too much to be intimate with me-- it just hit home that everything I'd worried about was actually coming true. So I think my main problem is me getting over that experience with my ex and I'm finding it really difficult to learn to accept myself and my scar and learning to trust other guys again cause I know the scar's unattractive and my ex helped me feel very un-special. Guess time will tell...thanks everybody. Hope I meet that somebody that's reliable, dependable, and trustworthy, and loves me just the way I am. Cross your fingers for me.... I hope everyone that's still looking finds that somebody too.

I think it's essential for a person's social development and emotional well-being for them to have close friends of BOTH genders and sexes. You're afraid that her loyalties will swing from you to him because he is fulfilling some part in her life that she may or may not be getting from you, and this is the cause of insecurities and jealousy. I don't believe there is a "perfect" match, every relationship has some aspect that isn't fulfilled by the significant other-- usually it's some sort of social need (not a sexual need or anything like that) But everyone needs to feel they belong in their social groups outside of the relationship with the significant other-- otherwise the significant other relationship becomes too self-centered- it's not well-rounded or balanced. As to your question as to when you should get worried: If you mean when should you start thinking she's cheating on you or something extreme like that-- If she starts breaking plans you made in advance with her to spend time with him multiple times (like 3-4 times), and/or if she spends 80% of her free time with him rather than you and you find yourself sitting at home missing her and feeling lonely, and/or she doesn't invite you to participate in the plans she made with him or seems very reluctant for you to join them, then you need to sit down with her and have a mature discussion with her about how you feel you guys aren't spending enough quality time together. Just my two cents....

I'm trying to date again (tonight was my first date after my break-up in July) but I'm having a set-back. I had major tumor removal surgery last February (when I was still with my now-ex-bf) and it left me with a large 5 inch scar up to my belly button which became hypotrophic and even larger and puffier. It made me feel very ugly overall... which was only compounded when my bf told me it was hard to be romantically intimate with me because of the "big scar" on my belly and we basically stopped being romantically intimate altogether because of it (we didn't have sex more than once a month max even before I had my surgery). I've used scar treatment patches, but it only reduced the scar slightly and it's now only 3 inches long but I can expect it to stay this way for a few years, if not for the rest of my life. So I'm really self-conscious about it and worried that guys won't want to be with me because of it. As I said tonight was my first date and I kept feeling super conscious of my scar and wondering if he would still accept me if he knew I had it. If any guy would want to be with me romantically knowing I have a big scar for that matter or if they would all be repulsed the way my ex was. Feel like I shouldn't even try to date and should just save myself a bunch of rejection. Back in middle school and high school I was in a wheel-chair and crutches for several years due to a sports injury and I remember how I always felt undateable until after I learned how to walk again in college. I just don't want to put myself through all that rejection again by trying to date when most guys would consider me "undateable." Except this time it's hidden under my clothes, not obvious like being in a wheelchair. I'm scared that once they find out about my scar they'll feel like they've been tricked and reject me like my ex did. So how would you deal with this kind of dating problem/set-back/issue? Should I just not date people until I feel dateable again (the scar goes away or at least gets reduced to the point where it's not repulsive looking)? Should I tell them right away that I have a big scar when we start talking about my surgery? My date brought it up tonight but I kept the discussion on the surgery and didn't mention the scar. Any productive opinions and input welcome....

Yes God is love, if you believe in a loving God or a religion based on trust, abandon, goodness, sacrifice to and for others, etc. Some people aren't Christians on here. I am, so I relate to the previous post but others might not understand or do not believe in the same things. So besides the religious, faithful Love and looking for the qualities of God and Christ in others as talked about previously: Basically I think truly loving another is to feel complete trust, having mutual respect, having a healthy affinity towards another (not an obsession or a sense of urgent need to be with them), to have the willingness to compromise, and having the ability to communicate freely and openly because such type of communication is made valued in the relationship. I think in order to truly love another you must first understand, accept and love the person you are yourself. Until you've come to terms with the majority of your insecurities and fears, you'll fear and feel insecure about these same issues when faced by them in another person. Until you accept these fears and insecurities and learn to love yourself despite your flaws, then it may be difficult to truly love another person UNCONDITIONALLY. For how can a person love another unconditionally when you set conditions on your own love-worthiness, trust-worthiness, and self-value? Having had many cyber relationship, and feeling like a veteran in the field of cyber relationships- I don't believe a person can truly love another simply based on what they write in a chat box. You need to meet them in person and spend significant amount of time with them in order to understand their love-worthiness, trust worthiness and get a sense of what they value in themselves. It's hard to know if what your feeling through the screen will be the same once you meet them in person- there's no direct feedback between the people, no bio-chemistry because the chemistry simply can't take place when the people are hundreds to thousands of miles apart... it can only happen in person within a few feet of each other. With cyber relationship, there's too much left for the imagination, and we all know how our imaginations can fool us into thinking there is "something" when there's actually nothing. Living a fantasy life is dangerous. The more you live in it, you begin lying to yourself and to others and you can start to believe what isn't real, is actual reality. A solid base must be built between two people in order for true love to grow. Until that solid base of trust, respect, and value is built, and the face-to-face interaction is made on a regular basis, I don't believe true love can begin to build.

Thanks guys for your knowledge and support. I thought it might turn into a set back but the more I thought about it the more angry I got...and I actually drove home to write an email to tell him exactly what I thought about his statements. But the gate to my apartment complex wouldn't work so I had to go into the rental office of my apartment complex to get a new key to open the gate. They had a quote in its own frame in the office lounge and I read it as the leasing agent reprogrammed my gate key. It said: "Attitude is everything. Everything you experience is 10% what happened and 90% how you react to it- and you can choose how you react. You can't change the people's behavior, or what happened. But once you understand you have power over your reactions, then you become more powerful than you ever imagined." And so, what I had driven all the way home to do, I didn't. I wasn't angry anymore, I was actually happy. I drove all the way back to work and had an excellent day from then on. If you believe in angels, I believe mine was looking out for me today-- by not letting the gate open and making me go into the rental office to get a new key so that I could read that quote. Thanks again for all your support today for all of you who read and all of you who replied and helped me! I truly appreciate it.