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  1. Bluecastle, I want you around for my next break up. Everything you say is spot on and what the OP needs to hear, even if he doesn’t want to.
  2. Thank you to everyone who took the time to read my post and reply, it means a lot. There are lots of insightful comments here and I appreciate it. I'm not sure what I'm going to do but if, after I find a chance to speak to him, we can't sort this out, I think I'll end the relationship here. It's frustrating when the rest of our relationship is good but these problems are "non-negotiables" to me, so I'm just going to have to find the courage to leave. Thanks everyone.
  3. I’m looking for some advice for my new relationship. We’ve been together for four months and, up until now, things have been great. He’s a few years younger than I am, which is unusual for me, but it hasn’t really seemed to matter much so far (I’m 29, he’s 26). The good side is that he’s affectionate, funny, loyal, kind and generous, relatively “easy going” and I’m extremely attracted to him. However, a few issues are starting to creep in and it’s leaving me feeling quite low and lonely. The most frustrating thing is that he’s always on his phone – checking Facebook, messages, watching sports, gaming. I’ll wake up in the morning and turn over to see him on Facebook. He brings his phone to bed with him and checks it last thing at night and first thing in the morning – and well over a hundred times a day. He’ll arrive at mine, sit on the sofa and get his phone out. We’ll go to the pub or out on a walk and he’ll get his phone out. Often, when I’m talking, he’ll just start looking at Facebook. This makes me feel ignored, unimportant and frustrated. I’ve tried to bring it up jokingly but he laughs it off and I’m not sure I’m confident enough to tell him that it’s really bothering me. He sometimes texts me after he leaves in the morning to say he wishes he had another few minutes cuddling me in the morning, but that frustrates me because I think “Well, if you hadn’t been on your phone …” I’ve always made it a rule in my life never to have any technology in the bedroom. No TVs, no phones, no laptops, so that the bedroom is for sleep and sex. I’ve asked him if we could try this but he says he needs his phone to wake him up in the morning as he doesn’t like my alarm clock. Next up: we always seem to be talking about him. He doesn’t ask me any questions about me or actively listen when I volunteer things. We talk about his day, his friends, his hobbies, his life; we don’t talk about mine. If I begin to volunteer information about my day, he’ll look at his phone or he’ll say “Hmm” or not say anything at all, until I just stop talking because it seems clear to me that he’s not interested. Then we return to a subject that’s related to him. I wonder if has the emotional empathy to be interested or show interest in other people very much, or if it’s just me. Finally, over the past few weeks there have been a few times where he’s got drunk and created “drama” out of nowhere. Three weeks ago, he came over and teased me out of the blue, asking me what I’d do if he just left. I said I’d just let him go, if that’s what he wanted to do. So he left. I let him. He was back 10 minutes later asking me why I didn’t come after him. I said that it was his choice to leave and his choice to stay – that I wouldn’t try to force the issue either way. He said that it would prove I loved him if I came after him. He left again … I let him again. He came back again! The conversation repeated. He didn’t leave again and we just went to bed and forgot about it. The following weekend, he said he was going to the pub for one drink with the lads around 6pm. At 1am, having heard nothing from him all night, I was in bed when I heard a knock on the door. I opened it and he was there, very drunk, and he’d had his ears pierced three times by a girl down the pub – no sterile needles, just an earring pushed through the ear three times, which he’d shared with three of his mates. I was taken aback at how irresponsible I thought that was and I told him that he could catch something very nasty. He said I was “grumpy” because he was so late (I was, yes) but we went to bed. He started snoring, I couldn’t sleep, so I went to sleep on the sofa. The following morning, he wouldn’t look at me or talk to me for a while because he was annoyed that I’d slept downstairs. Then, last weekend, he got drunk again and we went back to his for the first time since we met. He was reluctant to show me his room as he’s temporarily living with his mum and he’s embarrassed. But we went back and it was really nice to see where he’d lived. However, he just started saying “I don’t give a s**t what you think” and “This is bulls**t”, even though I hadn’t said anything bad. He continued saying this so I said I would leave and go back to mine. He followed me, saying “We’ve ruined it now” and I said we hadn’t ruined anything, that we were drunk and we just needed to go to sleep. He said that, when we got back to mine, he’d get his car and drive home and that would be that. I said I didn’t want him driving as he was so drunk. When we got back, he opened the car and I started crying (I never cry). We went indoors and he asked what the argument had been about and said it was silly, so we went to sleep. This is becoming a pattern. It happens when he’s drunk and I’m usually sober. I’ve suggested not seeing each other when he’s had a drink but he drinks quite a bit and smokes 4-5 joints a day … I’m thinking about suggesting that we see less of each other but make it quality time (no phones, no drink) but I instinctively know he’ll act defensively to this and say “Well, if you don’t want to see me then I’ll just go” or something like that. I’m not good with confrontation but feel I’m being walked all over here by someone who’s acting immature and emotionally unavailable. Any advice would be hugely appreciated.
  4. Hi all, Thanks so much for taking the time and responding, I really appreciate it. reinventmyself – I don't know what would happen if I left her behind, whether my parents’ marriage would survive. I feel that, if I leave her behind, my mother will leave my father, but if I take her, my father will leave my mother … ! Maybe they’d muddle through, but she would try to make him feel guilty every day for the dog and I think that would wear him down. Solidcase – I haven’t sat down with them both, no. At Christmas, I tried to have a chat with my mother and briefly mentioned that I didn’t feel close to her anymore. She waved her hand and said “That’s ridiculous” and changed the subject quite pointedly. It may all be leading to a sit down with them to explain how I feel. DancingFool – I’m afraid you’re right. Yes, my mother does like to b&tch and moan. She’s always been like that, but I didn’t want to mention it in my original post because it makes me sound bratty (funny how you start feeling like a bratty teenager when you’ve lived independently of your parents for 10 years and then move back in with them!). She wants the house to be spotless; but she doesn’t want anyone to come over because they’ll see all the “mess”. Then she moans because she doesn’t have any friends. Then she moans because she never leaves the house (except once a week with my father to go to the supermarket). Then she moans because she feels like she has no independence. She moans that I’m living with them; she’s moaning now that I’m moving out. She moans that we don’t clean up; when we do clean up, she moans that it’s not been done properly. She shows us how she likes it; then she changes how she likes it, meaning she can moan that we haven’t done it properly. She moaned when we all lived in a town house because it wasn’t in the countryside; now she moans that we’re in the countryside and she wants to live in a town. She wanted a big farmhouse; now she’s got it, she wants a flat. She’s obsessed with status, money, cleanliness, everything looking “perfect” for the visitors that never come. She earns more than my father, so he takes over the lion’s share of the work around the garden for many hours every day (they have quite a lot of land) and he does all the decorating in the house. She moans that he doesn’t earn enough; she moans that he’s not fast enough with the decorating; she moans that he’s not doing the decorating properly. She expected so much of me growing up (good job, own home, nice, solid partnership); I’ve got the good job, own home, waiting for the right partnership – but ever since I’ve got these things, she acts as if she’s jealous, almost … Snooty, like nothing’s ever enough. I always feel guilty around her, like I’ve done something wrong. She sighs frequently and her body language seems to scream “you’re incompetent, you’ve done something wrong!” I can’t work her out and I feel exhausted by it all. Crikey, I didn’t mean for all that to come out. Sounds like I might have a few issues with my mother here … The dog will stay here, where she belongs. I admit I’m looking forward to putting some space between me and my parents, for a little while, let them sort out their problems. Thanks again, all of you. You’ve really helped me clear my mind.
  5. Hi solidcase, Tricky one. Here are some ideas: invite him over to cook something with you; invite him over to do exactly what you say (have a mellow one, watch TV, play a game); have a takeaway – not cheap exactly, but you have to be "at home" to receive it; explain that you're thinking of something to do that's affordable and where you can talk, then suggest your place. I'd opt for honesty. Start as you mean to go on, right? "Hi [potentially fabulous male], was wondering if you fancied coming over on [insert day]? I don't have a lot of spare cash at the moment, but I'd like to spend time with you. Bring wine and a boxset – look forward to getting to know you a bit more." Or some variation. Good luck!
  6. I'm so sorry you're going through this – your strength is inspirational and your decision absolutely right to leave him. I understand also the moral quandary you're going through. I was the other woman, once. I had no idea about it at the time. I worked with someone (he was on a different floor, didn't see him much around the office) and we got talking, started hanging out, took things slow, then things heated up. The office had a no-romance policy, so we kept it quiet. He didn't wear a wedding ring ... I found out he was married four months into it, but I'd already fallen in love. I was angry and ended it immediately. I even left the company. It took a long time to get over. I then found out he was doing the same thing with another girl in my office, then another girl, then another girl. I felt outraged (and still do) that he could get away with this and his wife, with two small children, has no idea. I've juggled with the thought of telling her many times and always concluded that I shouldn't. Selfishly, I couldn't live with the guilt of knowing I had been the one to rip her life out from under her feet, to take a father away from those children, to break up her "happy" home. True, she probably wouldn't want to stay with him if she knew, but she's not going to hear it from me. I feel desperately sorry for her, still, but as others have said, karma has a way of getting back at you. I have to believe this ... But I wouldn't want to be the whistleblower as that would make me feel worse than walking away with "the moral high ground". Selfish? Maybe. Selfless? Maybe. I don't know ... I've struggled as you're struggling too. And boy, yes, I wanted revenge, but not like that. I wouldn't blame you whichever course of action you chose – I can see it from both perspectives. I only had four months; you've had years and years and have been the person cheated on, rather than with. I really don't know what I'd do if I were you. My advice would be to imagine yourself in five years' time looking back on it all and think about how you'd like to have acted, what would make you feel like the better person. The answer's not easy, because you might be the better person if you open up the eyes of her husband and stop her getting away with this; but you might also be the better person if you walk on with your head held high and focus on you. Good luck, OP, really. Support here whatever you decide.
  7. Hi everyone, I’m desperate for some advice – I’ll try to be brief. I’m 29 and the owner of a beautiful, almost two-year-old female black Labrador. Six months ago, I left a horrible relationship and temporarily moved back in with my parents as I had rented out my own house and needed to wait until my tenants’ contract was up. My dog obviously came with me. Over the course of the last year, my parents’ marriage has been … rocky. My father, who’s always been a very optimistic person, has fallen into a deep depression and anxiety (which he’s receiving therapy for). My mother is extremely house proud and career-driven, seems desperately unhappy with where we live (they moved three years ago to the middle of the countryside) and finds my father’s depression very difficult to deal with. He was always the optimistic one; she always the pessimist, so they evened each other out. My dog has brought such a change in my father. He loves her to pieces and she adores him just as much. She follows him around everywhere, whines when he leaves and just wags her tail to bits when she sees him. She’s aways loved him and been closer to him than she was to me. I used to find this sad (for me), but I’ve come to accept it and love how much they love each other. She’s his pride and joy, which I find ever so cute from a father that wasn't previously "gooey" or "affectionate" in that way. My mother also loves her, but she hates the mess (hairs, mud) she leaves in the house, as she loves to have a clean home and works very hard, so she doesn’t want to be always cleaning up after her (my father just doesn’t seem to see the mess or understand why it bothers her – he says they live in a farmhouse and that’s just to be expected. Hmm.) Anyway, I’m going to be moving back to my own house soon. Recently, my mother suggested I leave the dog with them because it would break my father’s heart if I took her (it would). We came to the conclusion that it would indeed be better, as she lives in the countryside here and I live in town, so she’d have more freedom and a better life here, more people around her (especially her favourite person) and lots of dogs to mingle with. I agreed to leave her here, even though I love her very much – I really want my dad to be happy. I thought that was decided. But ever since – and almost every day – my mother has made me feel guilty about this decision, pointing out how much mess she makes, how she never wanted a dog, how she’ll never be able to go anywhere now (she doesn’t go anywhere anyway). She’s always questioning my decision, even though she posed the question in the first place. I began to think it would be easier if I took her, because then my mother wouldn’t resent her (and me, it seems) or make me feel guilty almost every day about it. I said to my father that I would take her and he said: “If she goes, I go.” And … I believe him. I'm so worried that my parents’ marriage has reached a point where he might leave, or she might leave – and the dog is stuck in the middle of it (and so am I, by extension). Ever since I moved in with them, there's been a horrible atmosphere in the house, each complaining about the other, the occasional blow-up argument and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around them both. I always got the distinct impression from my mother that she didn't want me here, although my father assures me she was like this before I moved in. It's very sad, because I was always extremely close to my mother, but over the last year she's barely spoken to me and that closeness has evaporated. I feel frustrated, a bit angry, emotionally manipulated by both of them, confused at the constantly changing conclusions, sorry for the dog (who’s loved by us all!). At the moment, all that seems to be holding my dad together is the dog. Meanwhile, all my mother wants is a clean house. She can’t let up on this and he can’t let up on the dog. I know it’s not my responsibility to hold my parents’ marriage together and I should probably do what I want, but I find that impossible at the moment. They both confide in me their problems, even though I’ve told them it’s not my business, that it puts me in a very difficult position with the other and that they should probably speak to each other instead of me. Both are lying to each other, about quite significant things. If anyone has any advice, I’d really appreciate it. Please don’t suggest the dog goes to someone else – I adore her and so does my family, we do want her, but I suspect she’s being made the scapegoat to my parents’ problems and I’m struggling with the guilt of it all. Any help greatly, greatly appreciated. Maynards PS: Also, whenever my mother has her friends over, she goes on and on about how much she loves the dog and how she would hate it if I took her away, but as soon as they're gone, suddenly the dog is a problem again. I don't know whether I'm coming or going here!
  8. Please don't put up with this. I'm struggling to move on from making much the same move as you with a very similar-sounding chap. As soon as I moved in with him, he became extremely jealous, controlling and paranoid. It started off much the same as you've described and slowly he isolated me from everyone. Exes to begin with, despite them being very platonic friendships now from 10 years ago. Then friends he disapproved of. Then family. None of his "tactics" were obvious. He would sulk most of the time and his body language would suggest he was extremely angry, even though when I asked him what was wrong, he'd say "nothing". I lived in constant fear of the next time he would "explode" with rage, which happened rarely, but happened. Counselling sessions later, I discovered he was a covert narcissist and I haven't looked back. Look this term up and, if you notice any of the same behaviours, run (please). Your partner is manipulating you. He has no right to know the details of your relationships. What you have done/chosen/experienced in your past is your business and your decision to share. Think of him like he's your best friend: would your best friend demand to know details of your past? Ask to see text messages? Become "obsessed" with it? Probably not – and neither should the person you live with. Being open and honest with someone about your past relationships includes telling them why it ended, when it ended and what you learned from the experience. Nothing more, unless you choose to share it. My concern is that he's wondering how quickly he can get you under his thumb (in a "committed" relationship with him, living with him, totally under his control) by asking you these questions. Of course, I'm biased through my own experience, but I see so many red flags here. Before I met my partner I owned my own home, had an incredible job and a wide variety of interesting, fun friends. Now we're over, I'm living with my parents, no house, I lost my job (he didn't like me mixing with male colleagues) and a few friends (I wasn't allowed to see them on important events, such as their weddings). I wish I'd seen more clearly. Please don't end up like me. Final thought: listen to your gut. It's not wrong. I repeat: it's really NOT wrong.
  9. OP, you sound like an intelligent, kind person with a lot of love to give, who’s seeking a connection that actually means something (not easy in this social media age). Despite knowing from the start that something was “off” with this chap, that he wasn’t treating someone else very well and that you might get hurt, you took a risk and tried for a relationship based on the connection you felt for him. Some people here are posting that you knew what you were getting into when you started it. That may be true, but it’s vastly unhelpful. I don’t think you should be blamed for trusting someone. Equally, try not to think of yourself as a victim (if you do) because that won’t help empower you to move on. Either the guy’s a narcissist/psychopath/borderline personality (very possible) or he’s simply a childish jerk. You can spend hours sleuthing the web for proof that he’s a narcissist and this can be very helpful – so do it! It can be empowering to see actions of his that baffle you crop up as “symptoms” of narcissism and the sense of relief may really help you to move on. But, ultimately, the thing to concentrate on is how he made you feel. If you felt that you were manipulated, ridden over, that he was playing you in some way, that he didn’t respect you, that he lied to you, etc., these aren’t the feelings you’ll have in a good relationship. You are better than that and deserve more, truly. Don’t beat yourself up about wading into a relationship you weren’t entirely convinced about, but maybe try to think back to when it started and what your intuition was telling you. You’ll learn to trust your own intuition more if you get in touch with it and admit that, maybe, your inner voice was telling you something wasn’t right. You’ll be a better judge of character next time. That’s just one of the great things breaking up has done for you – you’re out of a relationship that wasn’t satisfying, you’re not the woman on the side that’s getting played (nor should you EVER be) anymore, you’re free to find someone that will love, respect and cherish you and you may feel later that you’ve learned something important about yourself in all this. WHY did he do all this? Because he’s not like you – he doesn’t have your kindness or high moral code, he doesn’t treat people with respect, he doesn’t understand or care about the pain he inflicts. The reason he was able to ride all over you like this is because you’re a great person willing to trust and love someone. He’s not. Please do yourself a favour and stay kind and trusting, but get tougher on who you’re willing to share your wonderfulness with. Unfortunately, manipulators and toxic people prey on lovely people. I don’t think you’ll ever really understand why he’s done what he done because the whole act of crapping on someone else isn’t in your moral vocabulary. To really understand WHY, you’d have to be a jerk too. Instead of thinking “why?”, think “what next?” and make “next” as fabulous as you can. Good luck!
  10. Thank you so much to everyone who replied, it’s really helped to clarify things for me. DancingFool and boltnrun, you’re right. At first I cancelled plans for him a number of times in order to make him feel more secure and to “keep the peace” between us. Then I stopped doing that because I felt he wasn’t (as patronising as this might sound) “growing” through his insecurities if I simply capitulated to what he wanted. I thought it would be better if I continued socialising as I always have and he could learn over time that there’s nothing to fear from me doing so. But the arguments just escalated and he would snidely say things like "We're so different - it's so nice for you that you have lots of friends, but I don't need that because I'm happy with my own company", suggesting there's something pathetic with me enjoying the company of other people. Or he'd say "I really think we should keep our relationship problems to ourselves as the picture you paint of me must be so hideous". I'd rush to reassure him because I'd long since stopped talking to my best friend about him, but then I realised I didn't have anyone except him to talk to and wondered if that was his plan all along - to isolate me. Surely it's "normal" for people to discuss their relationship problems with their friends? Anyway, I feel I'm wise enough to his manipulation tactics but it's this deliberate twisting of what I say that just baffles me. I've wanted to believe that he really does want to work it out between us, but this is so counterproductive. I now feel I don't know what to believe anymore and, while wanting on the one hand to run in the opposite direction, on the other I feel trapped. The pattern goes like this: happy day, then he brings something up that's WAY out there, some enormous and untrue assumption, such as I'm only seeking a promotion at work in order to be closer to another man. I'll calmly disagree. He'll try to prove his point. The argument escalates. It will go on for hours round and round in circles while I get increasingly more frustrated. He gets defensive against everything I say, so I start getting quieter. When I've had enough and I'm tired and say I need some space, he'll suddenly say how much he loves me and he supposes he has difficulties with this topic because every single one of his exes cheated on him and he can't believe he's met someone who won’t, and he has to “learn” a new way to relate to me. Then I feel sorry for him and tell myself I must prove even more than I'm trustworthy... etc. Maddening. Eventually I got tired of proving anything as it only made things worse - he chooses to believe what he wants to believe. indea08 – we did go to counselling. The counsellor told him he had issues around jealousy and control and was “chipping” away me piece by piece. My boyfriend later said I’d manipulated the counsellor and he hadn’t been very impressed with him. We didn’t do that again. The reason why I went back is that he said he was genuinely sorry for it all and would love the chance to prove that to me. Still being in love with him, I cracked and agreed. Unfortunately, he’s proved nothing except clarified the reasons why I left him in the first place. Now I feel trapped and reluctant to say I’m not interested in reconciling anymore, because of the drama that involves. I’m really fed up with all the drama. When I met him, I lived in a house I owned, had a large circle of friends and a really great, professional job. Now I’m living with my parents (as I rented out my house when he put the pressure on to live with him), I’ve not spoken to some of my friends for a year and I’m in a not-so-great job. Just writing this down makes me realise how much of my “power” and my life I handed over to him in a misguided attempt to make him happy. I feel resentful and angry that none of it worked. He’s in the same position he was in when we met. He wants me to move back in with him and I’ve said absolutely not, that we need to resolve our problems before we make any steps towards a domestic future together. But I’ve run out of fight for this and out of energy … I just wanted it ended. If anyone has a suggestion of a way I could end this without the drama, I’d be so grateful! For those of you who says he must have good points, of course he does. He’s very intelligent and we have lots of interests in common. He’s generous (often after an argument … hmmm). He can be very funny and we’re both introverts so like spending time away from other people. Even though it sounds like I was “always” going out with my friends, this can’t have been more than four times in our one-year long relationship and the people I went to see those times were female – I’ve avoided all my male friends (platonic friendships). The problems really started up when I got a new job that meant I had to travel to the city more often (we lived in the countryside) for meetings and social events. During those times, I suppose I was out of his watchful eye and control, so simply MUST be cheating on him, right? Anyway, thank you ever so much everyone for taking the time to read my post and giving me your comments.
  11. I’m hoping someone out there can shed some light on my boyfriend's mind. I’ve not encountered this in other relationships before. There are a lot of problems in our relationship but we’re trying to work them out. I’m unbelievably frustrated at the moment because it feels like he deliberately misinterprets a lot of what I say – as if he’s half-listened but then it somehow gets twisted in his head. Here are some examples: I’ll say (in October): “I’m going to be busy the weekend after next, so I won’t be able to see you.” He hears: “I’m not going to bother seeing you until Christmas”. I’ll say: “But I said I was free every weekend except that one.” He’ll hear: “You just want to see me when it’s convenient to you while I sit around at home.” I’ll say: “I spoke to my friend for a few minutes on the phone before I started work this morning.” He hears: “I travelled 250 miles across the country to spend the whole day with her but I won’t travel five miles to see him.” I’ll say: “I’d love us to sit down and work out solutions to our arguments rather than trying to “win” or arguing instead about the way we argue.” He hears: “I’m not interested in having “fun” with him.” I’ll say: “I think we should take things a bit slower and focus on enjoying the time we spend together so we have a “happy bank” of memories, rather than constantly fighting.” “He hears: “I don’t want to live with you, I don’t see this relationship going anywhere and I’m interested in someone else.” I’ll say: “I have an all-day meeting at work in the city.” He hears: “I’m going out for drinks with other men and won’t be back until midnight.” This all sounds crazy but believe me, he actually says these things in response to what I say. It turns into a head-banging-against-the-wall experience because I try to counter what he says. Take the last example of the all-day meeting. I’ll tell him that and he’ll say “So I won’t see you until midnight?” I’ll ask him why he thinks that and say I plan to be back at 6pm. He’ll say “Because the last time you went out for drinks afterwards with lots of men and you weren’t back until midnight.” I’ll respond that I have no plans to do that this time, that the last time I went out was in a mixed-gender group of people and it was the Christmas party.” He’ll then say “But it’s the truth, isn’t it? Last time you were out until midnight, so that’s the *fact*.” I’ll say: “Yes, that happened last time but it’s not going to happen this time and, even if I did have plans to go for drinks afterwards, what’s wrong with that?” At which point, he’ll retaliate and say that he’s right, that he’s proved the point and he wishes I would just be honest with him. The upshot it: I feel like I’m going crazy, like he doesn’t listen to me, that I’ve either not explained it the right way or that he’s deliberately misinterpreting it. I end up not wanting to talk to him because he’ll misunderstand me. A short round-up of our other problems would be that he’s very jealous of my interactions with other people, mostly men (with no cause – I've never cheated or given any indication of interest in other men, although he's accused me of it many times), but also the close bond I have with my family. He’s never said I can’t do anything or see anyone, but he’ll act aggressively or distant with me when I say I’m going to see a friend or mention anyone’s name. We used to live together but I’ve moved out because I felt trapped, walking on eggshells around him in case I said the wrong thing. He wants me to move back in, have children with him and marry him. I’ve said that’s not going to happen unless we work together to have a better relationship. I know it’s probably not a relationship worth saving. My question is: is this deliberate misinterpretation, am I not explaining things clearly enough or what the heck is going on in his head?? Is he playing mind games? If so, why? Where does it get him? I feel like I’ve exhausted all possibilities of honest communication with him and often bite my tongue and count to ten when I’m talking to him. Each time I think we’ve got somewhere, he’ll return to an irrelevant point and try to prove it or summarise the entire conversation as something completely different to what we were talking about. Any advice/insight appreciated. Thanks so much, Going-loco …
  12. ^^This. Abe is right – this is gas lighting, good 'n' proper. If you have to ask the question "Am I crazy?" it's a big red flag, frankly. Good, healthy relationships should never make you feel like you're crazy, questioning if you're the problem. You did nothing wrong in asking your boyfriend if he was okay. If you hadn't asked that, he'd probably accuse you of not caring about him enough to notice/ask what's wrong. It's a conversation you cannot win. If this is his fighting style, you're in for a world of confusion, frustration and 'crazy-making' feelings. It's easier said than done. But please leave a relationship that doesn't make you feel good about yourself and question whether you've 'done something wrong' all the time. It's great that you're emotionally intelligent enough to try to see things from your partner's perspective all the time, but this can entrap you. Sit down, breathe, listen to your intuition and ask yourself: was this a 'normal' response from someone to a partner who's enquiring whether or not they're okay? I suspect not. You're his girlfriend, not his social worker/therapist.
  13. I don't see that it's anyone's business but yours who you've slept with or not slept with, how many times, in what positions, or the result. Your sexuality, as you say, is your own. Your virginity is not a "gift" for someone but an act you've not done before and chose to do with this guy. Keep on, have fun and don't worry about it!
  14. I just wanted to say a very late thank you to everyone who replied to me on this thread. I've been away from my computer because things got ugly between us very, very quickly. A few days after this, he sent me a text message when I was visiting my parents asking how many men I'd slept with since we'd been together. I replied absolutely none. He then proceeded to give me a list of male friends I've supposedly had sex with without bothering to respond when I replied, refusing to answer the phone, saying some very horrible things to me about how I'm "rampant" and my "kinks" are in f**ing other men. He accused me of sleeping with men from long-term friends to the guy I buy my coffee from in the morning. He accused me of sleeping with someone on a day he knows I was with HIM the entire day. He said he knew I wasn't capable of monogamy and that he'd been "suckered in" by my "lame explanations" of male contact for too long. Then he said "goodbye" and I was dumped. I immediately went round there and asked why he was saying all this/where he was getting this "information" from. He didn't have an answer. I explained as calmly as I could that none of these things could possibly be true because of x, y, z and he then said he believed me, that he'd "misunderstood" a lot of things. I collected my valuable possessions, chucked them in the car and went back to my parents. As far as I was concerned, he'd flipped and was unstable. Nothing could've prepared me for that though. We've talked a bit since and he's begging me to come back, proposing to me (?!), saying he loves me and trusts me completely, but then he flips again and imagines that some other situation has occurred. He now believes the reason why I'm taking some time to think about things at my parents is because I'm sleeping with someone else before going back to him. A conversation I had with a friend the other day for 15 minutes on the phone has morphed in his head to me taking an eight-hour round trip to see this guy and sleep with him. I'm totally at a loss. It's as if another person has invaded his head and this person is, frankly, insane. I've asked him to leave me alone (after he sent almost 10 long emails in one night explaining himself, going round and round in circles, making more things up, retracting them, insulting me, claiming to love me, etc). Now he's removed me from his Facebook and blocked me everywhere. For doing NOTHING wrong. My family and I are arranging a van to collect all my possessions from the house tomorrow as I'm afraid he's unstable enough to destroy them. What a situation. I'm devastated as, as far as I was concerned, we'd had problem in our relationship but nothing on this scale. I was pretty happy with him, on the whole, and I believed our issues could be worked on. Clearly not... But thank you everyone for all your replies and insight with my original post. He's answered my question himself about being barking mad now!
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