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Since I was dumped and before I've felt general injustice and anger. I took it out on my girlfriend and it got me nowhere. I want to channel my energy into something. Does anyone else feel like this? I think I'm normal and I think most of my anger comes from being told I'm abnormal by someone I loved. I.e by trying to change to suit someone else. I'm healing and growing if you want me to use the language of therepy. Has anyone any experiences of a relationship that sent them to the end of their tether and then found some happiness beyond that. I think the only way I will be happy is to be me, to live life and to pour my energy into work and the things I love. Do I sound sane? - Any tips. I love, music, art, books, writing, talking, walking and I just feel empty sometimes because the only person I worry about is myself. Thanks for you time....

In some ways I would'nt have dealt with my problems if we hadn't broke up and if it hadn't been so hard and I hadn't behaved so badly. So some good has come from a painful situation. I think you have a lovely way of expressing your situation. Good luck again. I get a good feeling from what you wrote.

I think your really brave and have dealt with this really well. I can't identify with ocd personally but can identify with burnt out frustrated and behaving badly. My ex and I don't speak at the moment but I told her about the steps I was taking about my drinking which was my trigger for behaving badly and that I was getting help and I don't know if it helped her or how it made her think about me but it made me feel a whole lot better and helped me put a whole lot of issues into a label she could understand - give a reason for my behaviour she could identify with - she can't understand the wider issues or reasons I felt the way I did. I wouldn't want to get back together or to be with anyone else without them being aware of my difficulties with drink and knowing how they could support me. I can't and won't tell you what to do because you sound like you've dealt with a really sensitive situation in a fantastic way. I wish I had come out of my relationship with half the dignity you seem to have. I hope things work out really well for you.

Any tips on how to 'get out of my head' in a non aclocoholic way. I'm worried about not being able to let of steam. I suppose exercise is the best way but on a friday night I know I'll get really really tempted to get drunk. Any suggestions? (Cheap activities for the moment!) 11 days without a drink! Also - anyone suggest a simple book on managing anger and avoiding conflict available in the U.K. Cheers folks!

Anyone whose read my posts knows I've been through a sh--ty break-up and my last relationship had problems w/ aggresion connecting w/ drinking. Well to cut a long story short the last two times i saw my ex I got drunk and the last time I hit the roof BIG STYLE with her, her 'new friends' and even some of my friends. I shocked myself to the core and I've gone to get counselling and am researching anger management techniques. - My motivation for this is that I owe it to my family, friends and myself (and my ex - for all the rows she showed me a lot of faith) to get back to the rational, sensible, hard working person I was/am/could be. One session of counselling seems to have done wonders for me. I've come to realise that I have a lot going on in my life and I'm not solely to blame for everything I've done and started to feel liberated from my ex for the first time in a long time. I've come to realise it's no use trying to be romantic or complaining that she won't change her behaviour - the key to my own piece of mind is me changing mine and taking the chances I have in front of me. The strange thing is the first time I was aggresive towards her (and it's not a one way street - she won't accept that her aggression is a problem) she asked me to go to counselling. I didn't and I wish I had because I think it would have made me see more clearly what was going on and may have given me the strength to take control and end the relationship or demand reasonable changes. I've always been cynical about 'therepy,' 'self-help' or counselling but I've come to realise that even after one week it is helping move forward and develop my skills at dealing with conflicts. At this moment in time I don't want any contact with my ex cos she's not interested in anything apart from binge drinking and gossip - I do feel I could move on as well, i.e if I met someone I wouldn't feel something holding me back. (well not much!!) I also feel if the nightmare happened and my ex turns up and says - o.k you were right - we should talk about this, I can be a lot stronger and calmer and deal with thing on my terms. I'm having NC and making a lot of changes for myself - mainly because I scared the hell out of myself and I need to learn new ways of dealing with situations and relationships. So I hope it sounds like I'm on the right lines and moving forward - being prepared for whatever outcome. Thanks for all your time people. x (oh and I'm trying to not drink AT ALL 8 days now!)

My behaviour Promised ex I'm sorting out the thingsthat made me practically unloveable -stopped drinking -admitted depression and ACTED on it. -have been MUCH happier and nice too be arround MORE SMILING, more SILENCE (NOT AWKWARD) -Made it 100% clear to her that I do NOT see her as 'a friend' because it was eating me up lying to her and myself about how i saw her -stopped asking awkward questions and shouting at her when I didn't like the answers We've not had a row for 5 days! sounds like nothing but for us that's pretty good. We've been out together alone and w/ friends and had FUN. We've had a few intimateish moments and she seems a lot more comfortable w/ me touching her/hugging her than she was. We slept together a few weeks ago but I made a big deal out of it and she said - It won't happen again cos you can't deal with 'just sex'. Her behaviour -Comes to my house most days after work for an hour or so -Seems much more comfortable physically arround me than she was -admitted it will hurt her if I move on -say's does not want relationship w/ anyone -invited me out w/ friends for first time in months and was really happy when I didn't drink and enjoyed myself (twice) -keeps coming even though I am absolutely clearly stating I still have incredable affection for her -will not commit to doing stuff in the future - e.g I say would you like too do x/y/z on fri she says "maybe, I'll think about it" - sometimes does/sometimes doesn't -sometimes calls without me asking her too. -get's very angry if I pressure her. -picks me up when we go out w/out me asking her too. -feels bad about dumping me My feelings Actually enjoying my improvement in my self (sounds corny but...) I am concentrating on me and I feel good. I don't want slam the door on her and I am hoping that she can see I am overcoming my depression and drink related behaviour. I suppose time will tell etc. I'm not ready to move on because I have strong feelings for her still. I'm trying to take it really easy, really slowly and not put pressure on her. My analysis of her feelings!!! (how arrogant of me) I think she does not want to be tied down because I've been horrible to her. She would be with me if it weren't for me becoming a monster. thereforeeee the love she had has gone. However she does not like the lack of freedom that being single brings (e.g it's harder to say, no I don't want to go out - because you end up staying in on your own) but does like the fact that she doesn't have to answer to anyone. I'm trying to give without asking for anything in return - yet making it clear that I am attracted to her. Not to pressure her but to remind her that I do exist and that I am not a monster. I really am not trying to trick her and I think I've been as honest as it is possible. I've made a long term plan of goals to sort my life out and she does help me. Does this sound right?

I've been posting a lot here recently and it helps so I'll carry on if no-one minds! I've been talking about depression and stuff and really got amazing advice. Any how- Well me and my ex have been split about two months, and havn't managed no contact at all. It's just too hard because we share mutual friends we knew before we were together, go to the same places etc and neither of us will give up those things. I've been a mental moody fool and am only now seeing the light between the clouds and really I feel kind of at a fork in the road. I really would like to move on - in a way it would make it easier because we are both in limbo at the moment. On the other hand I know the reason we split up was because I was jelous and moody about her having her friends. She wouldn't take me out with her because we always rowed when we got drunk and it sometimes got nasty. I've packed in drinking and she asked me to come out (or if i wanted to) with her mates - some of whom used to be my friends. We've been out twice together and had a couple of really good nights friendly, smiles no fights at all. She gave me a massive hug volunterily as well. We do keep arguing about breaking up but since I told about being depressed she kind of started having a bit more respect for me. I got really cross because she wouldn't come to mine and she was - 'stop pressuring me' She slept with someone on holiday and lied to me when I asked her about it (we were split up) then the other night we slept together. I keep making to much fuss, to much pressure, being to desperate - I know this. She keeps doing stuff with me even though I have made it perfectly clear I can't view her as just a friend. She was absolutely right to split with me by the way. She told me 6 months ago to sort out my drinking and go to the doctors for depression. I basically told her to f..k off and mind her own business and sort out her own life. Now I look and see that actually I am becoming happier not drinking and facing my depression and I'm not paranoid about her sleeping with other people (least none that I know!!!) I explained to her that it made me feel a lot better to meet up with them and enjoy myself and that I really wish I'd listened to her months ago. She seemed really happy about this - . I kind of think this was something I had to do for myself though. So basically I'm at a point where I'm wondering, do I stay friends, keep showing her that I'm actually happier and sorting my life out, showing her that our last 6 months was a dark old place and it's somewhere we don't have to revisit. We do have 'moments' of intimacy and she's told me it will hurt her when I move on. I think she thinks she's the root cause of all my depression. She isn't - I am and I really want her to see me in control of my life again. incidentally the night we slept together was when I tried NC for a week. I found some of her stuff and wanted rid of it so I told her to come and get it - she did and we ended up going out - she invited herself back to mine and we had 'just sex' I instigated the sex at the actual time but all night she was really warm with me and invited herself back Am I hurting us both by staying here? Should I go and find something new? I'm no player to be honest. It's been a good weekend in many way because we've managed to be together without many arguments. Her best friend is an old friend of mine and she told me - I think your doing the right thing. So I am carrying on being as honest as I can with her. I'm enjoying being friends with our friends and trying to make sure everyone has a good night, checking she's ok and smiling a lot. It's a brave face! I'm trying not to ask any awkward questions and let her be as much as I can. If I can help her I will and if I can do something 4 her I will but if she wants to be alone or do something w/out me I am trying to let go. The way i see it - if we weere together that is the way it would be. I have my times when I want to do stuff of my own or be alone. helped to write it down. All I have is my honesty.

So after last night I took some advice from you all. I feel better. I wouldn't say I'm doing dances of ecstatic joy but I've been able to communicate and feel at least 'numb' rather than crying all the time. It meant a great deal to me to be able to tell someone what I felt and the girl I talked to you about, well I saw her and we managed to spend a short while together and I admitted to her I was depressed but that I was taking steps to deal with it at last. It felt good to admit it rather than pretending I'm alright and trying to be happy. I also spent a while round my friends house and I didn't feel like a black hole of misery - just like I've been talking to a few friends. I've planned out my goals and tried to fill my time and see the future a tiny bit more clearly and as something that I CAN make as good as I'm willing to make it. So I'm not saying hey everythings great but for the first time today, I didn't feel like I was reading stuff into everything people say. I think that's called paranoia isn't it. I feel like I've been scared of myself and for you people to tell me how well I'd expressed my feelings actually meant something - even though I don't know you. I know this sounds wet but I felt like I'd been given a hug last night. I told my friend (the girl!) about how I was thinking about anti depressants and had devised a few stategies for the way I'm feeling. It felt so good not to cry and make her feel guilty for leaving me alone. So basically I'm saying thankyou to you all for making me feel a bit more like myself. I still feel a bit fragile and will probably be back with some question or other but it's amazing to know I don't have to burden other people like I have been doing. I've been depressed before but never felt as hopeless as last night - I felt like my brain wasn't working properly and for a while like their wasn't much point in carrying on as I couldn't remember any nice emotions or imagine feeling any different. I don't think I'd have gone through with anything but you people certainly stopped me going to shop and buying loads of beer - for that I feel fantastic. So yeah, I'm trying to think of the positive things I've achieved today - like spending some time with friends, not drinking or taking drugs - doing a little bit of plannig for the future and surviving on my own. Once again thankyou so much xxxx (nb I'm going to give it a few weeks or so of really trying to get my life on track and trying to make some money and then if nothing improves try the doctor again) I hope one day I can help someone like you people helped me xxxx (I thought I should bring a more positive vibe and let you know you did some good cos you did.)

I remember going months/years when I felt nothing for anything or anyone. I felt like some kind of robot going through life and the thought of being with someone just really didn't appeal to me. Every relationship i had worked out like yours - lasted about a day! Three days was good going. I felt like I was incapable. Anyway it passed eventually and I had some 'good times.' All I can advise you is like the guy above said. Don't let yourself regret what you didn't do. I've said it before in this place, I turned down a girl I still think about 5/6 yrs later because it didn't feel q right at the time and I've found sometimes when you really feel for a girl you can ruin it in a week. My last gfriend it took ages to 'fall in love' with her. If you think you and her can share time together maybe not worry to much about labels i.e are you 'going out' or whatever. Sometimes it takes time. Good luck to you both and I hope things work out x

I think i feel this way because of so much stuff in my past and i've had a tough lonely year where my girlfriends been all I've had. I've taken everything out on her all these feelings and know she's not there I don't know where to turn. I read your replies and it made me cry so much. I feel like blaming myself for everything and my girlfriend feels like she's doing this to me. I wish I could explain to her that she's not and I have so much in my life that makes me sad (and happy!). She doesn't understand and she'd shout at me and say why are you so moody/sad. I'd not be able to explain properly and she'd ask me again if it was her or something else. I'm scared of anti depresants because I think some of my instability comes from previous drugs use - not that I was ever a junkie but I've dabbled in stuff. I live alone and I really don't want to be out of control of my own feelings. I have had enough trouble with that. I also have a pretty addictive personality. Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? I know you lot said don't make excuses. I really want to say to someone - come and hold my hand while I go to the doctors and ring me at night to check I'm ok but the only person I trust is my ex and seeing her makes stuff worse. It's not like she's moved on but I don't want to be a burden on her anymore cos she's wonderful and deserves to move on. I feel so self pitying but your advice here really really helped. Thankyou x

I split with my gfriend about two months ago. I was single for 3 years mostly of my own choice cos I can't handle relationships very well. I'm still in touch with my ex girlfriend and she seems to think it's easy to move on. I'm 24 and still feel like a teenager and hopeless. I feel like an absolute mess and that no-one would loke at me twice soon as I open my mouth because of the depression and sadness inside me. I can't stand to think of myself this way. It was part of the reason my relationship broke down. I don't want to be on my own any more. I want someone to help and someone to help me but it seems these days no-one is allowed to have problems and sadness is something that should be banished from your life. It's cutting me up because all thoughts of intimacy and happiness are tied to her because this is the only really good two way relationship I've ever had. I've been rejected before but not by someone who really loved me. It seems like all my friends have their own problems. I went to the doctors but they offered me anti depressants and I've had problems with drugs before so I don't want to go there. I feel like everything I do makes me sad. I watch the telly and there's something to remind me of something and I can't concentrate on books and things. I've had problems with drinking and violence and that's messed me up. I keep crying over stuff I can't even remember doing (i've cut down drinking a lot). I feel like all I want to do is curl up in someone's lap and cry for an hour. Cos I'm a boy i'm not allowed to do that. I know I am a good person really and I can't cope with the lonliness at the moment. Being on my own I don't feel like I'm doing anything that is benefiting anyone at all. I'm meeting a girl for a drink soon and I know she's got some stuff thats really not nice as well. I don't want to be miserable and depressing. I know in the future i'll meet someone who feels like me and I really hope I can help them and they can help me. Thanks for reading.

Your story is really moving in it's detail. I don't know if your like me but I would really focus on the good stuff you've done. It sounds like you've taken some really positive steps. I would suggest you keep reading and thinking and exercising and looking after yourself. I would try to think a little bit less about her. Sometimes people get scared by that. You sound like you've really played it cool but try letting go a little bit. To me it sounds like you are doing a lot of giving. If you really need to talk to her, she'll always be there if she's as nice as you make her sound. In the mean time maybe let go a little. It may be she misses you but is a bit scared of you putting so much hope 'in one envelope.' The best stuff happens when you least expect it and don't try for it. It doesn't seem so good but there is truth in some of these cliche's. Good Luck x

Idon't know about you at all but I really struggle with feeling like this. The worst thingI do is try to drown them w/ drink or weed not cosit's immoral but cosit screws me up. I find that writing thoughts down helps me. It might be an idea to explainhowit's makingyou feel and list allthe possible waysyou could deal with her and talk them through with her or just by yrself? eg, ignore her / move on/ shout/ wait or whatever. Don't taketoo much from my advicecos i'm poorat relationships.Just trying to think howI'd cope. Good luck.

O.k. heres the deal - she says shedoesn't want usto get back together yet whenever I ask if she'd like to do something, she runs to me really quickly. She is 'spending time' with another man but according to allsources there is nothing going on. I've pointed out to her that she has replaced me in her social life, i.e with this platonic relationship. He's not a problem long term cos he moves away soon and I do believe she's not with him. Yesterday she said - 'don't ring me, I'll ring you' cos I was saying It worried me I was to dependant on our 'friendship' and then she rung me after half a day to say, 'i'm coming round' thereforeeee I don't trust her when she says she has no feelings for me. Why the hell does she want to come round - to watch me squirm? Last nite I was thinking about asking someone out for a date - do I tell her this? Do I just go ahead cos I really wouldn't like to use this third person as a lever cos they're someone really nice. Is the mere thought I may be thinking of moving on enough to trigger her thoughts that she reallymight lose me. At the moment she's comfortable i.e has one guy as a friend to have a laugh with and one guy to make her feel safe. She hasn't lost me and I feel strangely like she's determined to exert her control over the situation.

i'm guessing and empathising and drawing on my own life here - its tough because you find yourself caught between moving on to something else and that feels like you cheated the love you had in that it makes you feel like something you want to believe is true has died. you feel like you have to stay arround in case she changes her mind cos people do sometimes and it proves to be right all along. I don't know how to advise you other than say I'm stuck in a bit of a double bind myself. All I can suggest is you think about if you moved on how would she feel. If you met someone perfect and understanding and who met your needs how would she react? A few years back I turned down a chance of a relationship because I was 'in love' with my then ex. It was a massive mistake I think not to test the water because it might have been a test of her feelings. She wasn't in love me (although try as I might not to I kept thinking she was) and I think she'd have been happy to see me moving on. The girl I missed out was a very sensitive and understanding girl who had just been dumped herself. I'm not suggesting you jump into bed with anyone, just maybe try to think of the perfect girl and ifsomeone comes along try and consider everyone's feelings and take it really slowly and you may find your freedom that way. I'm in a situation where I'd like to move on but my ex 'wants to be alone' I'm scared to death she will turn up 3 months down the line and be either miserable and lonely or want me back. It's hard to care for two people in a break up situation. All I can do is carry on and see what her reaction to me moving on is. I cansee myself moving on with someone sensitiveand caring and it will be difficult cos I know my ex loves me (in a strange way) and wants friendship and values the security of us both being single and knowing I stillfeel 4 her. I wonder how long I can wait and whether it would be better to move on for us both. All I can say is if you and yr ex are true love then it won't work with other people and someday down the line you will BOTH realise that. I hope this is of some use - It helped me to say that!