hotchkiss003

not sure how to help, but you said Anna was 23 and still living at home and she was so dependent on her overly controlling parents that she couldn't even make minor decisions without phoning them. Are her parents intervening and deliberately preventing her from learning how to make her own decisions annd take care of herself in the real world? My best advice is to be a supportive friend to Anna and show her that you are there for her and care about her and not to criticize your opinions, but if you feel like she is treating you like an emotional piggy bank explain to her that you can listen to her and be supportive but you're not an emotional sponge and she needs to make her own decisions, she is 23 and a legal adult and if her parents have a problem with her learning how to take care of herself then they're just going to have to have a problem and that she's perfectly capable of making her own decisions because everyone can't put their lives on hold to think for her. she might take it a little hard at first, but if she doesn't learn to take care of her own relationships then she'll never get her parents to stop interfering and controlling her.

demanding people are immature and clingy.

i checked my e-mail earlier, there was an e-mail from sara, saying that she didn't even realize she was being so controlling. I'm confused because last time I saw her she said that people tell her often she is controlling and that she says she likes to be that way. i can't really forgive her just like that, it's going to take a lot of convincing. the e-mail sounded sincere, but after she's lied so much about her reputation lately I'm just not sure what to think right now. In the e-mail it said that she enjoyed being friends and that she doesn't mean to be controlling, but last time we went somewhere it made me really uncomfortable when I knew how to get there and she said that she resented the fact that I knew how to get places on my own because it meant she didn't have control over what I know or don't know, that just seemed strange. any advice on how to sort out this crazy mess would be appreciated.

My so called friend Sara that I had been best friends with for 10+ years said that she resented the fact that I wasn't shy anymore and that she didn't have complete control over my life. I started hanging out with her less, then she wanted to hang out constantly, or would try to get favors out of my like typing homework papers. When I would tell her no because I really was busy she would say stuff like 'why not?' then she would act like she was doing me a favor by letting me type it saying stuff like 'but you can type so fast.' I still told her no then she said that she just didn't WANT to do it herself. Then the next time I hanged out with her she said that she wanted complete control over everything I'm allowed to do or not do so I just quit hanging out with her. A week ago she called expecting me to drop all of my plans and come over and do nothing while she watched her sister's dog, and kept asking me when I would be free even though my grandparents were being moved here all the way from california to be put in a retirement home and that the situation had been really stressing for my aunt and uncle because my grandma had been forgetting who people were and trying to convince my aunt to do dangerous stuff like take u-turns in the middle of freways and take short cuts through the grassy areas, etc. When she kept telling me that she expected me to do everything in the friendship her way, I told her that I had to be honest and thought we were spending too much time around each other. Then she said that she wouldn't call me back. My brother said it wasn't right that 'Sara' lied to get out of seeing Rhonda in the hospital when she had the baby since she had miscarried the first time she was pregnant and Rhonda had also been our friend since way back. My parents said that they saw Sara out shopping with her sister and that Sara was pretty rude to them and acting really strange in general and that they left wondering what was going on with her. I had tried to talk things out with Sara about the lying and clinging to other people when I am trying to talk and talking down to me, but it didn't do any good. I was just talking to Rhonda on the phone a while ago and she said that Sara had seemed kind of weird lately also and she hadn't been able to reach her on the phone. It's probably a good thing I decided to end this friendship because Sara had been saying things lately that she didn't think I should have a boyfriend or other friends other than her because she needed to use me to lie to people about her 'good girl' reputation, she is 21 and does things that normal 21 year olds do but she lies about it and tries to keep up this 'good girl' reputation because she says she likes to have people dependent on her so they can take care of her and do her favors. I'm like seriously weirded out, especially about the part of not thinking I should have a boyfriend. I knew the friendship was in trouble since around last fall when Sara kept saying that she had to 'one up' me on everything, I had told her I wasn't interested in competing because I think competition is childish. What really bothers me about Sara's behavior is that she works in a child care center and thinks that because she works with 5 year old children is that she actually tells people that it gives her special privillages to talk to adults like they were small children, if they touch about anything she will follow them around nagging them to wash their hands etc or yells at people for even saying 'crap' or 'sucks' saying that they never know when one of her kids from work is going to be around, yet if she sees one of them she immediately runs the entire direction and puts everything else on hold and tells people what they're allowed to say, but right after she got done complaining about seeing people from work she will cut people off and talk down to them if they dont revolve the entire conversation or activity around work. My 18 year old brother even said that he was glad when I quit inviting her over to the house because it made him uncomfortable because she would do stuff like change the channel if he went out of the room if a show he was watching had the slightest bit of content in it and get preachy about it and that he didn't feel comfortable around her, it made me really uncomfortable when she would try to tell me what stores I was allowed to go into based on what she would buy or she would ask me if it was ok with me if she bought something to try to talk me out of buying it, but she would yell at me if I bought something that was the same thing she had even though she had never said anything, then she would lie about it, my shoes broke so I bought some in finish line because they had them on sale and I was short on money that week, she screamed at me and said 'don't go in my store I already have to hear people at work saying they go in my store' then she compared the stores I went in based on where people she works with goes and talked about how she needed to 'one up' everyone at work. I'm glad we ended the friendship when we did, it got old FAST being yelled at and talked down to all the time. she didn't used to act like that, but it kind of started a year ago when she cut out all of her other friends because they got married she got jealous because she couldn't be what she called a 'good influence' and tell them how to act anymore. that kind of stuff coming from a 21 year old seriously weirds me out, none of my other friends constantly look over their shoulder and cut people off to revolve everything around themselves.

What are people who lie to keep people liking them afraid of even though people make it clear they'd still like them even if they're not looking over their shoulder all the time to see who's watching them? Talk about a lack of self-respect and self-esteem, it's no wonder most of them eventually end up with no friends wondering why people don't return their calls or answer the phone if they see their number on the ID. It's like they think they're not human like the rest of us or that they think they're better than the rest of us but the whole time they talk about how jealous they are of everyone else and how they need to be compete with everyone they possibly can to be better? If I've learned anything it's that needing to compete or be better than everyone else is the only way you ever really loose. I know i'm just rambling.

debating is stupid. It's fun once in a while like if you have a whole bunch of people in on it and it's just some issue that everyone forgets about afterwards and gets back to their lives and doesn't think about debating all the time, but when it's just two people debating all the time or just one constantly egging the other on to debate even when the other one doesn't find it entertaining any more, serious issues is all I have to say for the person who still wants to debate.

I think respecting each other's privacy is one of the most important things in a relationship. Just my opinion, but if your boyfriend owns the computer then his online history is his privacy. Unless it's an ex-girlfriend or you personally know the chatters with and they are girls that he actually knows offline I don't think it's much of a problem. there's a thing in a relationship called trust and it's not about someone snooping through your privacy, trust would be respecting privacy, same rules for both people in a relationship.

thanks, sympatheticloner. that's exactly how I feel about the lying thing too. She called this Saturday but when I didn't want to make plans because I had out of state relatives and they were moving my grandparents around the country to figure out where would be the easiest place for everyone to take care of them and keep in touch with them she said that if I didn't want to make plans whenever she did and do everything her way that she just wouldn't call me anymore when all she was doing was sitting at home watching her sister's dog and said she really didn't want to do anything, even though she was the one who called and asked, so we're no longer talking to each other. I decided that if she needed to control everything even though I had tried to talk to her about it on several occasions we both kind of decided we should quit hanging out. Once I started hanging out with her less frequently until we quit hanging out altogether my other friends started coming around more (not because of this stuff, but they are married w/kids etc and it is a lot of driving) that'll be good because my other best friend stopped by the other day and said that she ran into one of our best friends from high school and said that the other friend wanted us all to start hanging out again, so that'll be cool. luckily the friendship ended without a fallout which was how I was worried it would end if this mumbo jumbo dragged out any longer. sorry if i'm rambling, i have a habit of doing that sometimes

if they're online I wouldn't read too much into it, they might be just some moron screwing around or something. If you think you might have ADD, I'd go to a doctor and find out for sure.

tough situation. These people are jerks that like to tease people or cling for who knows what reasons. I think you did the right thing by telling her to stop the games. It's amazing how these needy people will keep doing this stuff.

I'm 21/f I remember for me it was age 20 when I realized I didn't know what I wanted anymore. Doesn't happen to everyone but it's not uncommon, I had a lot of friends who went through personality changes around 20/21 not really in any bad ways though, just a fact of life, plus sometimes stuff happens in people's lives where they have to mature all at once to be able to deal with it, like stuff happening in the family, job changes, etc the list is pretty much endless not trying to be confusing but hope this helps.

if it is her car why should she have to give it up? Last time I checked you didn't have to give up your car to do community work, everyone needs a car there's nothing materialistic about that. This isn't the 1800s.

i'm 21/f usually I go for guys who are 20-27, i'm not too picky about age but any younger than 20 would be just too close to my younger brother's age, it would be weird dating a guy who is the same age as my brother. usually i go older for maturity reasons i go more for maturity than age though

sounds like confidence might be part of the problem. you sound friendly enough and from your description you have a pretty good body, maybe you could try being more outgoing or approachable. I'm 21/f, I used to be really shy and have trouble approaching guys, but I figured out that shyness was part of my problem because I couldn't carry on a conversation for more than a few minutes before my mind would blank. sometimes I would get a little insecure when I saw my friends in my group getting guys, especially when it was one I had a crush on, that didn't help too much either but one day I just decided I wasn't going to let it hold me back anymore. I used to be very unassertive, but when I learned to be more assertive the confidence thing got easier and it was a lot easier to approach guys and flirting instead of just waiting in the background. Try smiling and making good eye contact. hope this helps

I seriously hope you can get this under control. If not you'll eventually loose all your friends and sit alone in your room all week wondering why people don't answer the phone if they see your number on the ID, don't return your calls or hang up the phone on you. happened to a friend who was in a similar situation, her family even lies and goes out with out her because if anything good happens to anyone she feels the need to spite them and make them feel bad about it. it didn't start until a year ago but it quickly took over her whole life, first she was competing over things like what stores people go in etc then she was cutting people out of her life completely even when there was no argument because she thought her moral standards were better, and she would lie if she came up short. hope the same doesn't happen to you