hotchkiss003

not sure how to help, but you said Anna was 23 and still living at home and she was so dependent on her overly controlling parents that she couldn't even make minor decisions without phoning them. Are her parents intervening and deliberately preventing her from learning how to make her own decisions annd take care of herself in the real world? My best advice is to be a supportive friend to Anna and show her that you are there for her and care about her and not to criticize your opinions, but if you feel like she is treating you like an emotional piggy bank explain to her that you can listen to her and be supportive but you're not an emotional sponge and she needs to make her own decisions, she is 23 and a legal adult and if her parents have a problem with her learning how to take care of herself then they're just going to have to have a problem and that she's perfectly capable of making her own decisions because everyone can't put their lives on hold to think for her. she might take it a little hard at first, but if she doesn't learn to take care of her own relationships then she'll never get her parents to stop interfering and controlling her.

demanding people are immature and clingy.

i checked my e-mail earlier, there was an e-mail from sara, saying that she didn't even realize she was being so controlling. I'm confused because last time I saw her she said that people tell her often she is controlling and that she says she likes to be that way. i can't really forgive her just like that, it's going to take a lot of convincing. the e-mail sounded sincere, but after she's lied so much about her reputation lately I'm just not sure what to think right now. In the e-mail it said that she enjoyed being friends and that she doesn't mean to be controlling, but last time we went somewhere it made me really uncomfortable when I knew how to get there and she said that she resented the fact that I knew how to get places on my own because it meant she didn't have control over what I know or don't know, that just seemed strange. any advice on how to sort out this crazy mess would be appreciated.

My so called friend Sara that I had been best friends with for 10+ years said that she resented the fact that I wasn't shy anymore and that she didn't have complete control over my life. I started hanging out with her less, then she wanted to hang out constantly, or would try to get favors out of my like typing homework papers. When I would tell her no because I really was busy she would say stuff like 'why not?' then she would act like she was doing me a favor by letting me type it saying stuff like 'but you can type so fast.' I still told her no then she said that she just didn't WANT to do it herself. Then the next time I hanged out with her she said that she wanted complete control over everything I'm allowed to do or not do so I just quit hanging out with her. A week ago she called expecting me to drop all of my plans and come over and do nothing while she watched her sister's dog, and kept asking me when I would be free even though my grandparents were being moved here all the way from california to be put in a retirement home and that the situation had been really stressing for my aunt and uncle because my grandma had been forgetting who people were and trying to convince my aunt to do dangerous stuff like take u-turns in the middle of freways and take short cuts through the grassy areas, etc. When she kept telling me that she expected me to do everything in the friendship her way, I told her that I had to be honest and thought we were spending too much time around each other. Then she said that she wouldn't call me back. My brother said it wasn't right that 'Sara' lied to get out of seeing Rhonda in the hospital when she had the baby since she had miscarried the first time she was pregnant and Rhonda had also been our friend since way back. My parents said that they saw Sara out shopping with her sister and that Sara was pretty rude to them and acting really strange in general and that they left wondering what was going on with her. I had tried to talk things out with Sara about the lying and clinging to other people when I am trying to talk and talking down to me, but it didn't do any good. I was just talking to Rhonda on the phone a while ago and she said that Sara had seemed kind of weird lately also and she hadn't been able to reach her on the phone. It's probably a good thing I decided to end this friendship because Sara had been saying things lately that she didn't think I should have a boyfriend or other friends other than her because she needed to use me to lie to people about her 'good girl' reputation, she is 21 and does things that normal 21 year olds do but she lies about it and tries to keep up this 'good girl' reputation because she says she likes to have people dependent on her so they can take care of her and do her favors. I'm like seriously weirded out, especially about the part of not thinking I should have a boyfriend. I knew the friendship was in trouble since around last fall when Sara kept saying that she had to 'one up' me on everything, I had told her I wasn't interested in competing because I think competition is childish. What really bothers me about Sara's behavior is that she works in a child care center and thinks that because she works with 5 year old children is that she actually tells people that it gives her special privillages to talk to adults like they were small children, if they touch about anything she will follow them around nagging them to wash their hands etc or yells at people for even saying 'crap' or 'sucks' saying that they never know when one of her kids from work is going to be around, yet if she sees one of them she immediately runs the entire direction and puts everything else on hold and tells people what they're allowed to say, but right after she got done complaining about seeing people from work she will cut people off and talk down to them if they dont revolve the entire conversation or activity around work. My 18 year old brother even said that he was glad when I quit inviting her over to the house because it made him uncomfortable because she would do stuff like change the channel if he went out of the room if a show he was watching had the slightest bit of content in it and get preachy about it and that he didn't feel comfortable around her, it made me really uncomfortable when she would try to tell me what stores I was allowed to go into based on what she would buy or she would ask me if it was ok with me if she bought something to try to talk me out of buying it, but she would yell at me if I bought something that was the same thing she had even though she had never said anything, then she would lie about it, my shoes broke so I bought some in finish line because they had them on sale and I was short on money that week, she screamed at me and said 'don't go in my store I already have to hear people at work saying they go in my store' then she compared the stores I went in based on where people she works with goes and talked about how she needed to 'one up' everyone at work. I'm glad we ended the friendship when we did, it got old FAST being yelled at and talked down to all the time. she didn't used to act like that, but it kind of started a year ago when she cut out all of her other friends because they got married she got jealous because she couldn't be what she called a 'good influence' and tell them how to act anymore. that kind of stuff coming from a 21 year old seriously weirds me out, none of my other friends constantly look over their shoulder and cut people off to revolve everything around themselves.

What are people who lie to keep people liking them afraid of even though people make it clear they'd still like them even if they're not looking over their shoulder all the time to see who's watching them? Talk about a lack of self-respect and self-esteem, it's no wonder most of them eventually end up with no friends wondering why people don't return their calls or answer the phone if they see their number on the ID. It's like they think they're not human like the rest of us or that they think they're better than the rest of us but the whole time they talk about how jealous they are of everyone else and how they need to be compete with everyone they possibly can to be better? If I've learned anything it's that needing to compete or be better than everyone else is the only way you ever really loose. I know i'm just rambling.

debating is stupid. It's fun once in a while like if you have a whole bunch of people in on it and it's just some issue that everyone forgets about afterwards and gets back to their lives and doesn't think about debating all the time, but when it's just two people debating all the time or just one constantly egging the other on to debate even when the other one doesn't find it entertaining any more, serious issues is all I have to say for the person who still wants to debate.

I think respecting each other's privacy is one of the most important things in a relationship. Just my opinion, but if your boyfriend owns the computer then his online history is his privacy. Unless it's an ex-girlfriend or you personally know the chatters with and they are girls that he actually knows offline I don't think it's much of a problem. there's a thing in a relationship called trust and it's not about someone snooping through your privacy, trust would be respecting privacy, same rules for both people in a relationship.

thanks, sympatheticloner. that's exactly how I feel about the lying thing too. She called this Saturday but when I didn't want to make plans because I had out of state relatives and they were moving my grandparents around the country to figure out where would be the easiest place for everyone to take care of them and keep in touch with them she said that if I didn't want to make plans whenever she did and do everything her way that she just wouldn't call me anymore when all she was doing was sitting at home watching her sister's dog and said she really didn't want to do anything, even though she was the one who called and asked, so we're no longer talking to each other. I decided that if she needed to control everything even though I had tried to talk to her about it on several occasions we both kind of decided we should quit hanging out. Once I started hanging out with her less frequently until we quit hanging out altogether my other friends started coming around more (not because of this stuff, but they are married w/kids etc and it is a lot of driving) that'll be good because my other best friend stopped by the other day and said that she ran into one of our best friends from high school and said that the other friend wanted us all to start hanging out again, so that'll be cool. luckily the friendship ended without a fallout which was how I was worried it would end if this mumbo jumbo dragged out any longer. sorry if i'm rambling, i have a habit of doing that sometimes

if they're online I wouldn't read too much into it, they might be just some moron screwing around or something. If you think you might have ADD, I'd go to a doctor and find out for sure.

tough situation. These people are jerks that like to tease people or cling for who knows what reasons. I think you did the right thing by telling her to stop the games. It's amazing how these needy people will keep doing this stuff.

I'm 21/f I remember for me it was age 20 when I realized I didn't know what I wanted anymore. Doesn't happen to everyone but it's not uncommon, I had a lot of friends who went through personality changes around 20/21 not really in any bad ways though, just a fact of life, plus sometimes stuff happens in people's lives where they have to mature all at once to be able to deal with it, like stuff happening in the family, job changes, etc the list is pretty much endless not trying to be confusing but hope this helps.

if it is her car why should she have to give it up? Last time I checked you didn't have to give up your car to do community work, everyone needs a car there's nothing materialistic about that. This isn't the 1800s.

i'm 21/f usually I go for guys who are 20-27, i'm not too picky about age but any younger than 20 would be just too close to my younger brother's age, it would be weird dating a guy who is the same age as my brother. usually i go older for maturity reasons i go more for maturity than age though

sounds like confidence might be part of the problem. you sound friendly enough and from your description you have a pretty good body, maybe you could try being more outgoing or approachable. I'm 21/f, I used to be really shy and have trouble approaching guys, but I figured out that shyness was part of my problem because I couldn't carry on a conversation for more than a few minutes before my mind would blank. sometimes I would get a little insecure when I saw my friends in my group getting guys, especially when it was one I had a crush on, that didn't help too much either but one day I just decided I wasn't going to let it hold me back anymore. I used to be very unassertive, but when I learned to be more assertive the confidence thing got easier and it was a lot easier to approach guys and flirting instead of just waiting in the background. Try smiling and making good eye contact. hope this helps

I seriously hope you can get this under control. If not you'll eventually loose all your friends and sit alone in your room all week wondering why people don't answer the phone if they see your number on the ID, don't return your calls or hang up the phone on you. happened to a friend who was in a similar situation, her family even lies and goes out with out her because if anything good happens to anyone she feels the need to spite them and make them feel bad about it. it didn't start until a year ago but it quickly took over her whole life, first she was competing over things like what stores people go in etc then she was cutting people out of her life completely even when there was no argument because she thought her moral standards were better, and she would lie if she came up short. hope the same doesn't happen to you

wow, tough situation. It's gotta be hard being on the recieving end of this from people you thought were your friends.

Thanks for the advice, but I don't think not saying anything would be a good idea. I don't let her push me around but if I stick around her for more than a period of a few hours she tries to get aggressive and take control over every aspect of my life and social life. Sometimes she even gets lost on purpose to avoid taking me home and then when I say I know she knows where she is because we've lived in the same area for 20 years she says that she resents the fact when I know something she doesn't have control of, so after that incident when I had told her I wanted to be home by a certain time because I hadn't gotten in touch with my family and my brother was supposed to go to the air port to go on his senior trip and it was kind of important. When we got home after knowing I had to go to the air port she just said 'I'm spending the night here.' Sat down on my couch and started watching movies. If I would say anything she would shout at me for talking even though she had seen the movie multiple times. After that I asked her to leave and didn't hear from her for about a week after that. Then the next time she called me at that last minute and wanted to go to a mall outside of town because she knew I'd been wanting to go there. When we got there she said that she only wanted to go to stores where she would look for stuff for work. When I knew how to get there after she couldn't read her father's directions she dragged me aside and said that she resented it when I knew something that she didn't have control of or that it wasn't something she had planted in my head by trying to contradict me and that I had better let her be right at all times and we were outside of town so she could just leave me by the side of the road. I didn't let her intimidate me and let her know this then she eventually got bored and gave up and didn't mention it. When we had got back to my house she asked 'am I spending the night?' even though she didn't have any stuff with her and she had to work the next day. I sidetracked her and convinced her to stay at her own house. The next weekend my best friend 'Rhonda' called and wanted to do something. I had not told Sara I was planning to do anything with Rhonda and told Sara not to call me because relatives were supposed to be in town. Sara called and said 'I'm picking you up at 10.' When I asked her what she was talking about we didn't have plans she got mad and said 'do you want it to be just you and Rhonda?' when she had never even acknowledged why she was picking me up and no one had even called me ahead of time to say that Sara was coming. Then she hang up on the phone. When I called Rhonda back to tell her that Sara bailed, Rhonda asked why then I said Sara wouldn't telll me. When I called Sara she made up the lie about the work projects. I called Rhonda back, then Rhonda said that she had a headache anyhow (she had just had a kid a couple weeks before) so I called Sara back to tell her, then Sara asked me what I was talking about when I asked her about her plans. Sara and I have been friends for 15 years but lately her behavior is just creeping me out. When she cut all her other friends out of her life over getting married, new jobs, adding a new place into their social calendar, or getting a boyfriend/girlfriend she started this. At first it was just wanting to get together about once a week now she expects me to check in with her for everything. I think this girl is turning into a stalker. After she told me that she resented me knowing things that she wasn't responsible for I started taking steps to getting away from her because that just ain't normal. I have told her outright that I expect it to stop and stop right then or I would be gone so fast her head would spin because this is just not normal, she is so obsessive she's starting to act like a stalker. One of our friends, Naidene, who quit hanging out with her because she got married she stops by the friends house. If the friend is not there she drives around town to her relatives houses asking if they've seen her or know where she is.

sorry about the long read

How do you intervene if you have a friend who lies to everyone she comes in contact with? I have a friend that lies and puts words in everyone's mouths because she always needs to be right and brags about how she contradicts everyone else saying her reputation gives her special privillages to get control over everything that is allowed to go on in other people's personal and social lives if she is around them, she will lie, cut people off, talk over and down to people, interrupt and take over their conversations or lie about them when they are right there to other people so that people only believe what she is saying. If someone disagrees with her on something like her mom asking her if she has laundry or dirty dishes in her room she will talk about it for days or intrude on other married friends marraiges and try to control what they are allowed to say do and how to run their marraige when she is around. If her friends don't want to spend every second of their time babysitting her because they are married, she cuts them out of her lives and has tried to break up friend's relationships or tried to keep them from having a boyfriend in the first place. One of my other best friends she cut out of her life the second she had a boyfriend pointing out everything wrong with the friends life and immediately didn't like her boyfriend but wondered why he didn't like her and complains about it. When her friends who are married invite her along to an activity she talks over everyone and calls them brats if they wont' let her dominate the conversation and only talks about work, I have literally gotten a headache before because she is so hard to follow, she will talk about one story and cut everyone else off, but sometimes she iwll deliberately make it hard to follow because she cuts off her own sentences and starts completely different stories putting parts of previous stories in between trying to force people focus on every word she is saying. I have one other best friend who she tries to turn me against saying that she is a bad influence just because she acts like a normal 21 year old and talks about the friend's husband behind her back, she doesn't like him for no particular reason. When he is there she tries to embarrass my friend in front of him, or tries to embarrass us in front of each other by talking down to us or putting words in our mouths so everything is focused on her. I had to e-mail her to break things off with her and ask her to go back to her own life because I tried to talk to her to her face about it, she just said that she thought her reputation gave her privillages to control what I do with my life, when I told her it wasn't working and she was wasting her time she said that she resented that contradicting me wasn't making me doubt my own judgement and give into everything she said when I am around her. When I tried to talk to her on the phone and ask her please not to try to embarrass me in front of the other friend or cut me off and talk over me she hang up on me, it doesn't matter how I try to talk to her so I had to e-mail her and tell her that she needs to go back to her own life and it wasn't her place to tell me what to do ever and I wasn't going to put up with it anymore. She leads on every guy in town and brags about how she thinks she can get any guy she wants but will not date any of them. The way she openly talks over everyone to get full attention from them and then lies about talking to them in the first place based on her reputation makes me think that she i leading them on, then she talks to the guys about how she has to have everyone thinks she has this 'perfect good girl reputation.' thinking that guys want a girl who thinks will do everything they want, if she sees a friend even having a conversation with a guy she will take over the conversation and cling to them to embarrass the friend and then tell the friend every detail of the guys personal life and will make things up if she has to so she can keep up with her reputation. The way she tries to embarrass my other best friend, I'm afraid that someone is eventually going to end up getting hurt big time by her. I don't even believe anything she says anymore so I quit hanging out with her. She talks so much to keep people listening to her that she forgets she tells people all of her lies and then contradicts it to save her rep just to be talking and thinks if she is not talking about herself she doesn't have anything to talk about. She lies to my other friend every chance she gets and my other friend doesn't know because she is around her often. I've had to intervene before and stop her lies from hurting the other friend, she always does this at important times like when the friend got married, pregnant, she is jealous of the friend because she doesn't have to lie about her reputation. any advice or have I already solved it?

0X How do you get someone to go back to their own life? I have one friend who will not leave me alone. She is 21 and demands that all attention be focused on her at all times. She talks over people and talks so fast it's almost incoherent about her job or people at her job often repeating things or stopping midsentence and picking up another sentence in the middle of that sentence, she deliberately makes it hard to follow so people have no choice but to pay attention to try to follow what she is saying, yet if anyone else tries to talk she will talk over them. When they ask her not to and tell her she is being rude or ruining the activity she will say 'if I'm not talking I'm not interested in anything else.' Then she will let someone talk but not answer. When they ask if she is listening she will say 'I just don't feel like hearing the sound of my own voice.' If she sees her friends are starting to have a good time she will get in between their conversations and say something mean that isnt' even true about one of the other friends so the attention is focused on her, if she does not get attention she will try to sabotage their friendships by talking loudly over everyone and resorting to outright complaining and throwing temper tantrums about her job even when nothing work related is going on. When they tell her to leave work at work so they can have fun because they were nice enough to invite her along she calls them brats. When they stand up to her and tell her NOT to talk about them that way and that she has no right to do it she will lie to their face and say that she is the boss and that everyone has to always listen to her that way she is always right and says I know I contradict people and people don't like it but they're just going to have to do things my way or I'll have to fight tooth and nail, if they still don't give in I'll get someone else to make sure they do for me.' She gets jealous if I talk to anyone but her and tries to sabotage my friendships. I don't even do things with her anymore because her constant chatter and inability to tolerate any space or other activity in between conversation has LITERALLY given me a headache! I don't initiate conversation with her or contact her on the phone myself, when she calls begging me to do something I tell her that I am busy because I usually am with family stuff or other things, she will get lost on purpose to get out of taking me home when I need to be home. Sometimes when I try to make plans with other friends and I do not tell her there she is! How do I get her to go back to her own life? Just outright tell her? I don't go out of my way to contact her and don't accept her invites or requests to stay at my house (I think 21 is a little old to be staying the night at your friends house, usually she comes up with excuses like 'my mom is nagging me about getting my laundry done!' and has even stayed at work until they close at 10 even though she gets off at 6 just because she can't get control over her parents, even though her parents always end up caving in and doing things her way.)

hi. I've always been petite, 5'3 at 21 years old and never weighed over a 120 lbs. Lately my weight has been down to 115, I haven't even tried to loose weight. I eat healthily, avoid access amounts of junk food, and I'm definitely not an undereater. Especially in the summer I lose a ton of weight because in the summer when its hot I just don't have much of an apetite. I do not have a history of medical problems or problems with depression/anxiety etc, so I don't know if this is normal or not. Any advice?

I'm really worried about one of my friends of 15 years. Lately, it seems like she is doing a lot of regressing in the maturity department. She has lost a lot of friends because of it or they all lie to ditch her because of it, these behaviors are really killing our frienship as well, the behaviors are becoming quite smothering. I don't even go out of my way to talk to her or do things with her anymore. No desire to move out of parents house and get life of her own Tries to control parents and throws temper tantrums if she doesn't get her way by stomping, sarcastic remarks. Will lie to her parents about where she goes even though there is no need like simple things if she was out at a mall past 10 or something she lies about it. Avoids her house and tries to intrude on other people's lives doesn't matter if they are married or not just so she doesn't have to go home and listen to her parents, blows simple things like her mom asking he rfor laundry out of proportion as nagging. When she goes somewhere she complains about everyone else, if people don't cave and do things her way she complains about them 'whining' when they were just minding their own business. Uses the word 'mine' excessively. Compares people to people they don't even know and tries to dictate them based on her competition with the people they don't even know saying that she needs to be the boss. (think angelica from rugrats, only as a 21 year old. yikes.) Repeats conversations to people about people that aren't even there word for word, her thoughts on it, tries to mimick their voice. Dialogue like a 5 year old. Abnormally obsessed with whether everything in her environment is 'child' appropriate or not. Tries to sabotage friends' friendships so she can be the only one in friends lives. Talks over them even when people say that they're sick of hearing about it because she's repeated it at least five times and won't let them enjoy the activity or talk about anything else because she is stuck on the one topic. Blows up at people if they try to talk even to answer one of her questions and tells them to shut up because she should be allowed to talk like she's the only one there. Will become completely controlling, completely tolerant for a while, then she will become completely intolerant altogether, even just little things like people putting on lipbalm and stuff like that or will try to yank things out of peoples hands if complete attention is not focused on her. Will talk over people but will not answer simply because she doesn't feel like hearing the sound of her own voice. I had to ditch her this weekend because a friend of ours wanted to go bowling. The friend invited her, and she volunteered to call me while I was completely unaware that she was invited along and told me she was coming to pick me up without explanation why. The other friend had a headache anyhow so we didn't end up going since it was late at night but when the friend I'm concerned about called, I asked her please not to talk over everyone because she did last time and no one could talk she bailed out then hang up on me. I didn't want to ride with her anyways because if she can't have complete control over an activity she will try to get out of going by getting lost on purpose and playing dumb, she will fake that she is lost in the area that she has lived in for 20 years, every time the other friend makes plans she does this. When the other friend and I called her back to find out why she really didn't want to go she said that she wanted to do homework and stuff for work. When I called her back to inform her that the plans had been postponed since the other friend had a headache anyhow, she said that she was just lying on her bed resting her eyes because she didn't want to do anything and had slept all day because she just didnt' have anything else to do, so I'm guessing the homework thing was all a lie to get out of going. I don't let her get by with the controlling behavior. The week before we had went out of town, she had told me that she didn't like the fact that I wouldn't let her control me when I was around her, when I told her she was wasting her time because it wasn't going to happen she just said 'well if you disagree with me I can just leave you stranded here with no way to get home.' She just did it for a reaction, she's all talk so it didn't work. After that I just quit talking to her.