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chai714

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Everything posted by chai714

  1. chai714
    First and foremost, the purpose of NC is to heal yourself and prevent you from making a fool out of yourself by begging, pleading, bargaining and appearing desperate. Looking at NC from that standpoint, it can't backfire. Most people that come out of breakups are emotional - especially the dumpee. It can be very, very difficult to contain your emotions and control them especially around the ex. In your case, you confided in a mutual friend who seemingly is better friends with your ex than you. It would be difficult and possbily foolish to try to reconcile this friendship right now since she's "buddy-buddy" with your ex. For now, I would set that friendship aside and focus on your own life and specifically, healing. She can't be billigerent toward you if she does not see you. And if she's such a weak minded person to believe everything your ex tells her, you don't need her in your life. Maybe she wasn't a good friend afterall. Has that ever crossed your mind?
  2. chai714
    God no Luke, do not send that letter. Please. She has refused dates without flat out saying, "no." Take this as a sign and move to the next woman. It's much less trouble walking away than trying to keep someone you never had.
  3. chai714

    How stupid am I?

    chai714 replied to ZIPPY's topic in Infidelity

    Continue to silently monitor her activities. You're justified in her behaviors arising suspicion. Go through the cell phone records. At night or when she's gone, check around to see if she has another cell phone (it's common practice to have 2 cell phones especially when a married person is cheating). As a psychological tactic, you could mention to her that your co-worker has been staying late and having an affair. See how she reacts to this news. She may try to change the subject very quickly, which could indicate she's not being truthful with you. There are other ways to catch a liar but this is by far one of the easiest and most effective methods.
  4. chai714
    Ailec, First off, get birth control if you think you're even close to having sex. Peace of mind is priceless - take it from me - birth control, along with him using a condom will give you much more peace of mind.
  5. chai714
    Given her past behavior with this man and the way you told the story, it seems as if she's at least attracted to him. He's a man who is also seemingly attracted to her. Yes, it makes for a dangerous situation but you can't stop her. If she messes up on you, cut her and walk away. However, things could also go the other direction and she may not see him the same way she used to. Keep an eye on her without her knowing, if you can.
  6. chai714
    I think the question is how can you forgive her (if you want to) and control yourself from becoming passive aggressive. The human mind feels as if it needs to "make things even" and in this case, sorry hardly accomplishes that. So how do you deal with something like this? I know time would play a factor in being able to forgive her and eventually, trust her again. But how do you cope meanwhile? Would leaving her for a while be a viable option? I would think so. It may give you time to ingest this whole situation and gain perspective on your relationship with her. It's probably what I would do in your situation. I would also explain to the kids that daddy is going to visit some friends for bit so that they understand why you're not there - if you choose to go this route.
  7. chai714
    I could have not said it better than RayKay. Everything she said I agree with. Let this fantasy be over and start fresh.
  8. chai714
    Like others stated, it depends on the type of woman you choose. Generally speaking, I choose women who tend to be more submissive so they enjoy being dominated. Not every woman is the same though. I've been with some who enjoy taking control, which can be accomplished in many ways. It just depends on the woman, really.
  9. chai714
    I'm not sure it's possible to have an FWB deal because how you feel about her changes things. In my opinion and experience, an FWB works best with someone you have infrequent contact, the "sessions" are spaced out and communication between "sessions" is kept somewhat to a minimum. Thinking about having FWB and doing it are two different things - emotions often times get involved and one person wants more than the other partner is willing to give. In this case, I would guess you two have enough in common to start something more than FWB. Sure, at first it might seem as if it's FWB but the emotions on both ends changes things and it could evolve into a relationship. Have fun and good luck.
  10. chai714
    I don't think you should be with anyone whose not getting a fair shot at having a loving, lasting relationship. For his sake, leave him and get your head right.
  11. chai714
    I've heard that some men can. I would guess that the majority of men are unable to continue having sexual intercourse while still maintaining an erection immediately after ejaculation. The refractory period for each guy will vary, but don't think most men can keep pumping for long after having just ejaculated.
  12. chai714
    I'm not saying she did use you for sex. You'll have to make that call. If she doesn't want to go out on any more dates, you may have been used. If you have a similar group of friends, tastes, and preferences then the likelihood of it becoming more has increased. Date her more and see how it pans out. If she's not up for it, you may have been used. *Weeks or months later, you might smile at this. How often is it that a woman uses a man for sex?
  13. chai714
    The beginning is what I often refer to as the "rosy stage." During this stage, nervous appears at times and the interest level each person has in each other is sky high. After a while, it evolves into a real relationship where love could take place. So, what's happening sounds very normal regarding the way you feel.
  14. chai714
    Not necessarily. It might feel that way when you're in the moment or even a week later, but it's not necessarily true. I've had a similar encounter to yours only to end up feeling used by the woman. And I'm still smiling about it today. Imagine that - a woman using a guy for sex. If you talk to her and find you have more in common, something could develop. Otherwise, it might be just sex.
  15. chai714
    Studies show married people are generally happier. My personal point of view is that everyone wants to love and to be loved. Being single forever obviously isn't the answer if you want to love and be loved. However, I can see advantages to both. At this period in my life, I see being single more beneficial and knowing that I know how to make myself happy, I don't necessarily need a relationship as long as dating keeps being good to me.
  16. chai714
    I will answer your question, "why doesn't he like me." It may not be correct but there are an unlimited possibilities. A few include: - he's not attracted to you - he knows you're not open to dating outside of your religion - you don't have much in common with him - he doesn't like something about your personality - you make him feel uneasy or bad about himself when talking to him - he doesn't like your reputation as a person - you're too fat, too skinny, too tall, too short, or your hair color isn't right and many, many, many others.
  17. chai714
    I rarely say this, but for the most part I agree with most everyone's advice. One thing I understand is that when you're in such a bad relationship, you might not fully realize it or see it as a 3rd party would. You seemed to acknowledged several times that this relationship is not right. Your girlfriend has many psychological problems and you may end up with a few of your own if you continue living out this horror of a relationship. The best and most loving thing you could to for yourself is to walk. If you still love her and want to make the process easier, get her in some type of counseling before you walk away - at least you'll know she might be getting some kind of professional help.
  18. chai714
    I support your decision to break up with him. It's what will be best for you. He can't give you the emotional support you need and the relationship seems all but abandoned. You're a young woman and have much, much bigger things to accomplish in life. It might initially hurt at first when you break up with him but it's what is best for you (and maybe even him). Good luck.
  19. chai714
    Why do you want an ego boost so bad from this guy? You say you wouldn't date him because he's not part of your religion, so that should end all speculation of him being a potential because it's a dealbreaker for you. Leave this poor guy alone.
  20. chai714
    There is no push. It's an overall effect of how she makes me feel. The reason any man likes any woman is because she can make him feel a certain way. How is this? By meeting his needs or wants then walking away and asking for nothing in return. This is what has and can hook anyone.
  21. chai714
    Wow. Quite a story. In many respects, I can understand how you feel being torn between two women - one who is an animal with a drop dead body and one who is sane and you can get along with. I would guess 9 out of 10 would advise you to go with the sane one, even though the sex life is less than good. But being that you only get married once (my rule, anyhow) it ought to be with someone you're completely content with and that includes sex. I can understand being in your 20's and having a good sex partner can be one of the most if not the most important thing. As time goes on though, you might realize that being someone you get along with and can relate to will rise in the ranks. Your current fiancee can be taught a few things in the bedroom if you put in the time and effort. She may never have the body or looks of your ex but she's got most every other thing covered. And the fact that you can get along with her family will be of importance in the future since they will likely be a part of your life. Whereas your ex fiancee and her family don't necessarily enjoy good conversation with you. I can feel for you though. I have encountered a crossroad like this but it didn't involve marriage. If I were you, I would go for the sane woman. If you're going to have "one last fling" get it out of your system forever before you get married and never tell anyone. I'm not condoning cheating but if you are to do it, then get it over with now and take it to your grave.
  22. chai714
    Sleeping with someone does not indicate that you want to end the relationship. Quit that, then emotionally detach. You could feed him a cliche line such as, "it's not you, it's me" or "I love you but am not in love with you" but it's better to tell him, "we just disagree and it will never work." Afterwards, NC for a few months and no answering those booty calls.
  23. chai714
    I have and do but he sees these as games and says, "I don't play games, I shouldn't have to." In a sense, he'll never be "in the game" because let's face it, everyone plays them so you might as well get good at it. Another problem I see is he knows quite a few ladies in their early 20's who show interest in him but he says, "they're too young, I feel like their father." This is coming from a 29 year old man. I just might give up soon and never bring up women again to him. I'd just like to see my friend live a little, and sometime during this lifetime would be nice. I might be more frustrated for him more than he is with himself. . . .
  24. chai714
    Just this past weekend he told me he's looking for a relationship. I tried to tell him, "you need to get that first date before you consider a woman for a relationship. It's a process." While he agreed, he just seems so ignorant how the whole thing works. But he can't be that ignorant because I try to share information with him as often as possible.
  25. chai714
    You can't expect him not to acknoweldge her being there. Saying "hi" and "bye" is the decent thing to do, which shows he's a decent person. Of course it's normal for you to become somewhat insecure while seeing her. Remember though that you're his woman so it's not a competition - you already won. Next time it would help that you appear more secure and not question if he has a thing for her. Why? Because he has a thing for you. Wasn't it YOUR hand he was holding? That should tell you how he feels about you and not her, right?
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