american dream

thanks for all the replies. it matters a lot to me that some people care. bless up

hey all, well, on the 4th of july 2004 i went through an extremely bad breakup. i had been with my ex for about three and a half years and we had lived together for about 2 years of that time. the synopsis is basically, some other dude at her work was hitting on her a lot (emails, text, lunches, calling, IM's, everything) and i told her i didnt like it. she started seeing him behind my back and eventually, after some really odd behavior, she left me with a dear john letter and i had to have movers come get my stuff out of our condo. it is now almost march, and i am still not over how everything went down. i have an EXTREMELY negative opinion of women now (reinforced by seeing 2 of my best friends go through basically the same situations with similar results). i don't want to think poorly of women because of what this one psycho did to me, but i can't get over it. i think about her everyday. in a lot of ways too. i am very very angry at her. i am bettering myself in body and in my career, for what seems like no other reason than i hope to run into her someday and rub it in her face. i know that is kind of sick, but i don't care. on, get this... CHRISTMAS, i go to my moms house, and the ex lives about a quarter mile away. i avoid going to my moms house just because of this reason. i had not seen her since mid-august when i found out she was cheating. i was driving down the street, and oh my god! she was at the intersection waiting to turn left (onto the street i was going straight on). it is a 25 mph street so i had to go by her kind of slow and i know she saw me. she was alone in her car. i freaked. huge panic attack. i was waiting for her to pull up beside me (she would have had to, there were no real turn offs, except other residential areas which she would have no reason to go into). but she never pulls up next to me. odd. i got my wits about me and decided hey, i will be the bigger person and call her and wish her a good christmas and that way i will come out on top. i ring her, and she doesnt pick up. jerk. so it goes to her voicemail and i leave her a quick message, maybe 10 seconds long. SHE NEVER EVEN CALLS ME BACK. i mean, how rude! i was with her for 3.5 years. i did everything for her. and she doesnt even have the decency to call me back??? one of my buddies said i probably made her feel about 2 inches tall, but i dont think so. i know her very well, and i think she is bitter at me. i don't know why i care, but i do. and i am still hung up on what happened on christmas. am i that easy to let go of? am i so easily dismissed? i just dont understand. how could anyone be so calous? and why do i still think about her every day? somedays it isn't a lot, but other days i dwell on it all day long. i don't want her to ever be a part of my life again as she did some truly atrocious things to me, so why do i even care? how can i let this hate go? thanks for any replys...

Just to be clear: heartbroken13, are you another guy or are you a girl. It was hard to understand from your post. Please use as little of shorthand as possible to get the most accurate feedback.

Hi all, Well it has been 2 and a half months since we broke up. About a month or a month and a half since I last spoke to my ex. I have been holding steady with NC and it has been okay. I have been trying hard to focus on myself, and getting my life back together. I have moved in with my other best friend in a more permanent situation. I have gone on a trip to San Fran to see some friends. I have been working hard at the gym and at my work. I am trying to recenter myself. My biggest hangup has been that I feel like I actually HATE my ex for what she did to me. I have never hated anyone before, and it is eating away at me. I can't seem to let it go. I am so mad at her for what she did, and I would never want to be back with her, so I just don't know why I am so angry. I think about her all the time, and how I would tell her off, and beat up that guy if I saw him. It is like I obsess on little sollioques about how I hate her, and the stunned look it would give her to hear this. I really do hope she rots in hell (or whatever may come after this). The biggest problem for me is that I was raised Christian, but through my own searching I have found Taoism to be the way (pardon the pun) for me. Neither of these outlooks on like say I should harbor such anger at her, but I simply can not shake it. Any ideas? Anyone? I have tried journaling, meeting other people, talking about it with my friends (they say I should hate her), and working out to get the aggression out. I want to be at peace with it.

Wow, she sounds INCREDIBLY selfish. She wants her cake, she wants to eat it too, AND she doesn't want to share it with anyone else. How did you get in the situation where it is okay for her to go out with and sleep with other guys, and let her tell you anything about who you should or should not be talking to. Man up and tell her that if she wants other people you are damn well going to get other women. Never let a woman walk over you like that or they will never stop. Nip this one NOW.

*Said as kind as possible* You might want to take this to Jerry Springer.

Ludacris said it best, "We want a lady in the streets and a freak in the bed." Nuff said!

Thanks for the replys all! It is so cool to be at this place in life and hear from other people that hey, it may work out someday after all. Mahlina and bodina a special thanks. I don't know why exactly, but a special thanks to you two lovely ladies anyway!

Well, to start with be honest. Be very kind when delivering the news. My ex of 3.5 years left me a one page note. That was HELLA messed up. But when I was able to see her, we talked for about 2 hours. The house was quiet, and the room was fairly dark, both of which comforted me. Have tissue around for the tears. If you are seeing another guy already or if you will be soon, DON'T tell him today. Let it be for a few weeks before you let him know. By then he may be no contact towards you, at which point it may be easier for him to deal with. Have your reasoning well defined, and logical (it is hard for men to deal with illogical ideas, like, "I love you but I'm not in love with you). My ex was my best friend, confidant, lover, and my anchor. We have been broken up for just over 2 months, and it is still killing me sometimes. If you two had a great relationship like this, consider why you are doing this. The way my ex ended it (coupled with her crazy lying) means that as much as it hurts I will never be with her again. I will never count her among my friends again. In fact, if she was on fire, I wouldn't put her out. I have grown a deep hatered for her because of her lying at the end. And I have honestly never hated anyone else in my whole life. She went from best friend/lover to the only person I hate. So be honest with him if you truly care for him. If he asks for closure and what he did wrong, don't just give him, "its not you its me", or "you didnt do anything wrong". You want to break up for some reason, so let him know what it is (but be kind), so that in his next relationship he doesnt make the same mistakes.

Dude, it is different for everyone. When I was your age I would get like 5000 erections a day! 3 is totally normal. Don't sweat that at all.

Hi there! Well, if you don't already, start excersing. It is cheap, cus hey, it doesn't cost anything to at least walk down the street. Keep a journal and try to peg down what is causing your unhappyness. Get a dog. I couldn't imagine a day without my dog, she is sooooo loving. Hell, smash a waterballoon on your head. Do something to shake yourself out of that funk. For an inspirational movie, check out Antwoine Fisher. It is really good, and shows you a guy who went through (I assume) a lot more than you or I, and it has a great ending. If you need someone to talk to, PM me anytime, I am always up to chat. Cheers mate!

Well tinkerbell, at least you are SUPA HOT . Dont put up with boneheads like that.

Maybe I am not who you were hoping to hear from, but I feel for you bro. My grandma died of cancer when I was 15 as well. I have a small family so I was close to her and it was rough. I remember listening to Amarillo by Morning by George Straight (I was going through a country stage!) and just bawling my eyes out. She was the first relative I had ever lost. I have lost a few since my grandma, and it does get easier with time and as you get older. People die. If you have a really hard time with loss and greif, check out some movies or books to help you out. A great book is, "The Five People You Meet in Heaven," or "Tuesdays with Morrey". Oddly enough, the movie Fight Club has a lot to say about dying and life, and I find it very insightful. What he says is that, until you realize that you too will someday die, you are useless. You can not free yourself until you truly accept that fact. After that you can live every day like it is your last. A lot of times it is difficult to deal with the loss of a loved one because it forces us to examine our own fragility and the brevity of our time on earth. You will be okay depressedone (I have read your other posts and you seem like a great guy). Just take it one day at a time brother! Hope you feel better soon!

Wow liferedo. Wow. That is the roughest story I have ever seen on here about your ex wife. Just nuts. I was dating an accountant too for a number of years when she started doing the same stuff (no nose candy, but alcohol like crazy). I feel for you bro! You are one tough cookie! Much respect. 8)

Wow I have seen this pattern before. Hopefully what happened to me won't happen to you but... It started here -- link removed and it ended here -- link removed Hopefully this is not where it will go for you, but it doesnt look promising.

Hey Cheif, Knife huh... when this happened to me I could only think of my 40cal. But that stuff is stupid. Kick this girl to the curb. If she cheated on you, she is done. There is no wiggle room there. Statistics show that if she has cheated once, she will cheat again. I know that when this happened to me I really blamed the guy. I still do. He knew my ex had a boyfriend, and simply didnt care. He was always in her ear telling her all kinds of things that she wanted to hear. So while I don't know this situation specifically, I would say the overwhelming blame lies with her. She disrespected you, your time spent together, and abused your trust. Is this really the kind of girl you want to be with. I should hope not. I know that if I see the guy that my ex dropped my for out with her at a bar it will be on like donkey kong, but I am not going to go out of my way to beat him up. Don't do anything rash. I loved my ex sooooo much and when she asked me to leave it devistated me and almost made me do stupid things, but I just had to think, "she is a BAD person, and I am a GOOD person." That is what it comes down to. Feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to. This situation sucks and I feel for you man. Keep your chin up.

Your post turned my stomach. Excuse me while I go wretch thinking about a guy who is cheating on his wife (and kids), while breaking up another marriage --- and asking for ADVICE on how to do it better! 0X

Hi all, I just got out of a long term (3.5 year) relationship that ended very badly. I would never get back together with my ex because of what she did, and I am still mad about it today (today is the 2 month mark of when we broke up). So I am not "waiting for her" or anything, but I have a big problem. I have always been a very loving guy, and a very sexually excited guy, but recently I just dont care. I don't feel like I will ever love anyone again. I don't want to try either. I see this huge mountian ahead of me and I don't want to think about climbing it. I can't imagine starting all over again in a relationship and trying so hard again. I don't even get turned on by many girls, and even the 2 girls in the last 2 months who have turned me on for a moment I dismissed thinking they will only hurt me again. I know it is because of what I went through with my ex, but she has moved on (she monkey climbed over me to get with another guy) so why can't I? And it's not like I don't have a chance to meet a lot of women. I live in a big city, I work in a large office with a lot of women, I have friends over all the time and they bring over girls and I meet them and their friends, but I simply don't care to get to know them. I even joined two online dating services but everytime I get emailed from one of them I just delete it because the girls never seem up to snuff. Any advice for when this might change? I have wanted to feel for someone else for like a month now but it simply is not there. I don't want to be alone or a hermit or anything, and it troubles me that I just don't give a ****.

If she is easily scared or pressured then DO NOT SEND THAT CARD. That is too emotional. Get her something cute, or pretty, but not something that tugs at the heart strings. If you get her something funny or cute, then you can make an open offer to get lunch sometime. I can virtually promise you that will go over better than a sappy card.

Hi there, Well first off I don't like the lying. Do you blow up at him a lot? Should he be afraid to tell you things? If not, then what he is doing is way out of line. Honesty and trust are the fundamentals of a relationship so even if he is doing things you don't like, he should be honest about them. I know I can't be with someone who is untrustworthy. Sit him down, talk to him honestly and get it out. If you have proof like you say you do, allow him the chance to come out and tell you, then if he still lies, bring out your proof. Be vague about what proof you have though and see if he still lies. If he does, then it may be time to end the relationship. If he can not be honest until he knows exactly what you know then he can't be trusted. My ex was that way, and she was doing bad things behind my back. But a word of warning: If you are going to go out and lay it all on the table, your proof had better be unshakeable. Don't go off of what people told you or something like that. Have solid proof. Good luck to you!

Actually, that doesn't sound like a bad idea. If you do tell him, like I said, be very sincere in the apology BEFORE discussing your problems with him. I hope he isn't the kind of guy who will just get up and leave the second he hears this. Also, is the guy you cheated with still around? That could be a good thing to bring up if he isn't. Just say it was really stupid and you could never think of doing it again (I hope!). I wouldn't tell him it was a one night stand (even if it was) because then he will think you are a s1ut and that you have the capability to do it again. If it is a coworker or other friend, I wouldn't give out many specifics either because he would then defineately feel threatened and would most likely lash out. Just confront it, be sincere, and consider his feelings. If he does start to ask, "how, why, for how long", type of questions just try to keep it breif, minimize it to the extent possible BUT DO NOT DISMISS IT OR GET OVERLY DEFENSIVE. Also, mentally prepare yourself for ALL the possible outcomes. He could walk out, start crying, breakdown, start yelling, get verbally abusive and call you names, ect. Just be prepared, but I do think for both of your sakes you should address this issue as soon as possible. Do not let it linger any longer. I hope you two get through this, and I wish you all the best.

Day_Walker, If you could see me, I am standing up and clapping for your comments. Well said old bean!

Wow. Equating emotional cheating with the physical act? Seems a bit... strange. I was "emotionally" cheated on, but I would never equate that with the physical act. Clearly she does not consider the whole thing in the past. It is still affecting her and she feels very guilty about what she did. That does not mean it doesn't exist anymore.

Well I think you should tell him. Be very apologetic and ask for his forgiveness. If it was at the very early stage of your relationship perhaps he will understand. Perhaps he will not. That is the risk you have taken. If you are sincere about it, he would likely stay with you, but it will be an incredible hurdle. I think you should tell him not only for the honesty factor (the cornerstone of a relationship) but becasue it is obviously grating on you. Think of this: how will your relationship work out in the long run if you dont tell him? How will you grow old together if this is always in the back of your mind? How will he feel if you continue to hide this from him and one day he finds out years from now? He might be inclined to revenge. Finally, I am a big fan of a clean conscience. How much is a good nights sleep really worth to you? Hope it works out.

I like girls who make me feel confident to talk to them. Sometimes you dont want to be the aggressor. But there is a line. I definitely DONT like girls who are flirtatious with guys. That is a major turnoff. Physically, I notice hair, and legs (especially if they are athletically inclined) and neck. "The Girl Next Door" look really gets me too.