purple_monster

Thanks for your thoughts, karvala. Yes, on a conscious level I know this is true. But on another level, I just don't understand how one can survive or succeed without more more assertion. It's just so contrary to how I see the world. Bit by bit I'm trying to realize that it's okay but it's just unfamiliar to me. This is essentially how I see the situation as well.. except for the little bits when he asks me to proofread documents and there are just so many problems with basic sentence construction. And when he tells me he causes huge problems by not returning phone calls for months. It worries me that these aren't things he's learned to deal with yet. It worries me that I care whether my boyfriend is good at his job -- I mean really, what difference does it make to our relationship? On the other hand, it might be reasonable that I'm worried that he can't seem to resolve a situation that makes him this stressed out.

Thanks Dako.

My dilemma here is: Should I be trying to talk him into quitting? Should I be trying to talk him into anything? Should I just make sympathetic noises until he figures out he should quit on his own? (or is all of this too much mothering?) I think he's a little afraid of being a quitter, or that having a job for one year looks bad on his resume. Also he's afraid of change, and quitting is a big change. And requires a bit of a spine.

Also he didn't have much more of a backbone at the old company -- he never demanded a raise or additional staff in the years he was there. When he left, they had to hire two people to replace him. Is it possible to help someone develop a spine? Would you be concerned if your future husband didn't have one?

Dako, I think you're mostly right. I think the job difficulties are simply being exposed by the more difficult situation. The major difference is that he had a ton of friends at his old job -- I think he was more compatible with the less competitve personalities at the smaller company.

(I apologize for how long this turned out.) My boyfriend of 2+ years is having a very difficult time at work, and I can't figure out how to help him. I'm having a really hard time trying to be positive about the whole thing. We had been dating for a year+ when he moved accross the country to take a new job. I encouraged him to do so, since it was a great opportunity and I'm a believer in taking leaps of faith. He's not really a risk-taker, and his family, who lives here, vehemently opposed him leaving the area (and me). He decided to take the job for two years to make more connections in the industry before moving back here and making a change into a related career (which he has been wanting to do for a while). Unfortunately, it didn't turn out the way I had hoped. He works 100+ hour work weeks, and he says that his coworkers hate him and think he is terrible at his job. At least three days a week he calls me near tears about how his coworkers have made snide comments or how he just can't get enough done. Of course, all I have to go on about his coworkers' behavior is what he tells me. On the other hand, I've seen glimpses of his work and I'm kind of disappointed. He is really disorganized at work, he is an extreme procrastinator, and he's had me review documents that are terribly written. The entire time, his mother has been begging him to move back to this part of the country. At first, I thought that was no way to encourage him to succeed, so I tried to be positive about the situation, that it was just the shock of change. But it's been a year and I'm still hearing the same things from him. In addition, I'm having a lot of difficulty with him painting a picture of himself as a persecuted loser. In his world, everyone is always picking on him and he is always doing a terrible job. It's really getting to me and making me lose respect for him, since he doesn't seem to have any for himself. I've convinced him to seek out a therapist, who he is going to see for the first time this week. (I've thought about doing the same, to work through some of the issues that this has brought up.) I am really at a loss for what to do. Has anyone here had a similar situation? How can I best help him through this? It really kind of shocks me to see him be so miserable at work and not stand up to his coworkers. And that after being in the same industry for so long, he hadn't really developed essential skills like organization and writing. And I'm not entirely sure why this concerns me so much! Thoughts?

Hey quintana -- I see you haven't been around in a while but I am curious how your friendship project is going. Updates? I'm in a similar situation, I've been apart from my ex for 2 years and would increasingly like to bring him back into my life after a lot of awkward avoiding. He's a really good person and I've always valued his outlook on life. In addition, my boyfriend is friendly with some of his exes, one of whom I met recently and adored. I was very impressed by their friendship -- he really likes her current boyfriend, and everyone can hang out together comfortably. I don't know how to get to that point myself, and I hope it can happen. Hope you'll come back and let me know!

iwantherback, that sounds terribly complicated! good luck with that situation. Locolady, i guess it is significant that I was willing to part with all the mementos. I hadn't thought of that, but not so long ago I think I wouldn't have tossed them. I feel a little like I'm clearing some psychic space for my new life and new relationship (well, not so new anymore).. different from when I throw things away post-breakup because that's more out of spite. Just considering that makes me feel better about the whole thing. Thanks for making a comment that triggered those thoughts

RayKay, you don't think it's possible to be with the right person and still not be able to shake those connections to a previous ex? I am just about 100% sure about this new guy. But I don't think my first serious love has really evaporated completely yet. How do you forget about the previous view of what "the future" looked like when you were trying to build a life with someone else two years ago? It's so weird, but maybe that's because it's only because I've never done this before. Last weekend I was cleaning out a bunch of out stuff (you know, those boxes that you forget you have) and came accross all these cards from the ex I had stashed away years ago. It was surreal -- all these things that I had forgotten about. They all went into the trash so I wouldn't accidentally come accross them next year too. But I think it threw me for a loop, to be reminded of things I forgot existed.

Thanks for the feedback princess and shake.

For those of you who are friends with exes from long ago.. Does the sexual tension ever go away? Does "that moment" ever disappear, the one where all of a sudden you wished you weren't sitting so close to him or wished you were making out with him, but can't really tell which would be a worse idea? Do you ever stop being reminded of the plans that you and the ex had built over the years? I hardly ever talk to my ex (from a year and a half ago) anymore and I see him maybe twice a year when we're in the same town.. but there's still this viceral connection that I hope will go away with time because otherwise it's always going to be uncomfortable. I end up always running away and not speaking to him because it's too weird for me. I've moved on and now have a wonderful boyfriend, but I'm still waiting for the past to fade away. It's not that I want to get back together with the ex. It's just that time hasn't completely wiped the slate clean yet (we spent six years together), and I just want someone to tell me that someday it will.

congrats! it sounds like a great decision. good luck and i can't wait to hear more!

that pretty much sums up what happened to me. i think that's why this situation is a little sticky for me.

So I went to the gyno today and this is what she recommended, in case anyone else has this problem. I have some small skin tears in the perinum area, which can cause pain during sex, and stinging when urine passes over it. She recommended that i apply a little desitin after sex, or even some cortisone cream with some desitin over it. Also, we've been using copious and copious amounts of lube. I'm finally not the slightest embarrassed about stopping to get another handful -- it's been working out great. The boy is happy as well

wow. everyone is being so harsh on the girl. although I have to admit that 20 is young, I work with someone who has been happily married 10 years, and she got married at 20, against the wishes of her parents who thought she was too young. She had been dating her now-husband since the age of 15, though, so that may be different. I just want to put out there that everyone is at a different stage at different chronological ages. i think if she's been with you for 2 1/2 years, she's not doing this just because she wants to marry anyone. i think that there needs to be better communication between the two of you, as some other people have suggested. you need to think long and hard about why you aren't ready to be married. is it really because you feel you are too young? that's completely legitimate, although not always true. she needs to do the same, about why she wants to get married. perhaps she doesn't feel secure enough in her relationship with you, and thinks that marriage will seal the deal. i personally don't think it will, but i do think it's a legitimate worry that needs to be addressed by the two of you as a couple. (oh wait, i just looked back through the posts and i am just echoing exactly what raykay said!) in any case, i think this is a crossroads for the two of you. don't underestimate how important this issue is, and don't force her to just accept that you're not ready. the "if you loved me" argument is working both ways here -- she's saying "if you loved me, you would marry me" and you're saying "if you loved me, you would wait". if you can manage to work past that, things are really promising.