DjembeDrummer

Thank you sonjam... Hearing from someone that has been in Raven's position is helpful. Sad and disheartening but helpful. I have backed away some and I won't contact her in person until we have our nre address. I drop her emails every now and again but that's about it. Anything more than that I really don't dare do for fear that it may cause physical harm to her. That may be a drastic thought on my part but I'd rather not take the risk. Again thank you for your insight. DD

Ballys, I guess I didn't explain myself very well.. I never told her that I thought her brother beat her up.. I didn't want to upset her.. I just started putting puzzle pieces together. She would come home (she lived with us for the most time) from being with her brother and she would have really bad bruises and would have very quick well rehearsed stories.. Initially, I believed them but they were too frequent and too well rehearsed to be true.. Jim and I originally offered for her to move in with me, while Jim was working out of town and I was going to postpone my move for a year for her but she didn't want to be a burden on us. I had sent her an email that said that no matter where we go, she always has a home with us but someone was deleting her emails and she never got it.. Hence the reason why I said I was going to give her our new address on paper, when we get it as well as email it.. We will make it known to her that she always has a home with us.. It's the only real home she has ever had and I'm not referring to the relationship.. I'm talking about a stable home where there is no fighting, drugs, alcoholism.. She was able to study and do well in school for the 1st time in her life. She had a real home.. That is what I've always wanted for her.. The "relationship" is secondary. I'm sure this sounds foreign, insane or Jerry Springer-like to many of you but in this case.. I would be just as happy to take care of her and give her a stable, happy, safe home where she can thrive than ever think about any kind of intimate relationship with her.. Raven's safety and mental well being is more important to me and Jim than any poly relationship with her could ever be.. The SW in me says, this is a person that was an at risk/ throwaway child that is turning into a throwaway adult and I will do everything in my power to prevent that from happening. I may sound like I'm on a soapbox and I apologize for that, but I don't want Raven to be one of those people that ends up falling through the cracks because no one cared enough about her to notice that she was falling. If I can be her safety net, I will be. Thanks for the positive reinforcement.. I've been going back and forth with this and abandoning Raven would be going against everything I believe in and betraying myself as a compassionate human being so I can't abandon her and I won't.. Thanks Ballys, DD

First of all, thank you for the more focused answer. As hurt as I am/was, there is something in me, call it instinct, call it stupidity, that forgives her. When we saw her last, which was about 2 or so weeks ago, she was actually happy to see us. I had picked up an inexpensive ($8.00) sketchbook for her as a gift b/c the one she had was full. (She's an art student and loves to draw). When I gave it to her, she nearly started to cry.. That is not the reaction of a malicious person. Maybe its my SW background kicking in but it just isn't. It's like she wants to see us but she's not allowed to by someone... Her whole demeanor and personality has changed.. She used to be smiley, and bubbly, always the center of attention and now its like she's trying to not be noticed by anyone. She's even changed how she dresses and wears her hair. Generally these are signs of someone being controlled or conforming to someone elses rules. When we asked her if she wanted to go to dinner, she said yes without a second thought... When I got the email, it was like someone wouldn't let her go to dinner with us.. Hence my concern... Anyway.. I think I'm going to give her our new address, paper and email when we get it and just hope for the best.. She's had very little support in her life and whether we are in a relationship with her or we are there for her as friends, she will know unconditional love and support from somewhere. Maybe I'm just a bleeding heart sucker but I would rather be that than potentially let her drown in loneliness and despair. Again, thank you for the more focused answer, DD

No, it wasn't a perfect situation by a long shot and the age issue did come up on multiple occasions. And for everything she has lived through and is still living thru she is very mature for her age (she's now 20) in some aspects and very immature in others. Still, no one is answering my question, If I still care about this person, do I completely abandon her, even if she needs me as a friend, in the future? Or do I hope for the best, get on with my life with Jim who is my fiance, and if she needs us, give her the info so she knows where to find us? Like I said before, this is a complicated situation and it is far from perfect... If I knew all of the baggage that came along with Raven in the beginning, I never would have gotten involved but I was already involved when I found out. And yes, because of the age difference and several shared experiences, I wanted to protect her from being hurt any further. I know that was unrealistic of me but you generally want to protect people you care about from any kind of hurt or harm, no matter what the source. And as for being poly, I did not plan to fall in love with Raven . And it never was my intention for it to be a poly relationship, it just ended up that way. As for the 1st person I mention.. That wasn't a relationship at all. It was a woman that I was attracted to and friends with but nothing ever happened with, that turned psycho on her entire former friend group, including us and about 10 other people. Now, if everyone could please stop being so judgemental and answer the question at hand, I would greatly appreciate it.. How the situation came about is not the issue. Do I abandon a fellow human being that could be in need, now or in the future , despite our history is the question.. Please people, I need you to focus on the question not the circumstances surrounding the question. Thank you.

Sadly, I wish I could disagree with you...but I can't...

Hi! I just found this forum and I'm hoping that someone here can help me through this difficult situation. I apologize if this is going to be wordy but its a very complicated situation and I don't know where else to turn. If you don't agree with my life choices, please be gentle with your criticisms. My heart generally rules my head, which is usually how I get into trouble. (I changed the named for privacy reasons) I'm 34 and I'm bisexual woman. I only came to this realization with in the last 5 years or so. I am engaged to a wonderful man, Jim, 33. He know I'm bi (actually, he knew before I realized it, because he watched me with some of his bi friends.) I have not been very successful with women, mostly b/c I wasn't sure what to do. Jim and I had tried to have a poly relationship with one woman, with disasterous results that left me completely gun-shy. In September 03, we met Raven. She worked with us. She was 19, bi and just the sweetest person you ever wanted to meet. I was very attracted to her and so was Jim but because of the previous disaster, I was very hesistant. Well, fortunately or unfortunately, Jim, Raven and I began a relationship but we kind of fell into it so it lacked communication and things were very rocky. She even moved into the apt. upstairs from us, but primarily lived with us. Raven came from a very "dysfunctional family and it affected every part of her life. (mom abused prescription drugs, dad-alcoholic, brother- druggie). We suspect that her brother beat her up pretty bad when he found out about her relationship with us. Anyway, the relationship continued despite the bumps, until things, and a person came into the picture. Ted was a guy in Raven's art class that was very jealous of her relationship with us and wanted her. He started buying her presents and taking her places, like to parties and getting her drunk. Jim and I told her that we didn't trust him and we were concerned about her safety but unfortunately, she thought we were overreacting. On many occasions she came back with bruises that the stories were too rehearsed. Also during this time, Jim got a new job out of the area, we were going to have to move, eventually. She started lying to us, and spending more and more time with Ted. When we confronted her and told her that we knew she was sleeping with Ted, she was shocked but admitted it., she gave different lies to each of us for the reasons why.. While her behavior was changing so drastically, her brother committed a serious crime and was awaiting sentencing. Her family did not like that she was so independent of them and dependent on us.. She actually said that Ted was more acceptable to her friends and family. (which was ironic and hypocritical b/c she always gave me problems b/c my sister didn't know about us, even though my mother did.) Raven moved out and moved in with Ted and his family and never said good-bye to me or Jim. When we went to the campus where the 3 of us used to work to visit friends, I went to see her and asked her where she was living (even though I already knew). It broke my heart when she lied once again. Her brother was sent to prison for 5 years. Jim wanted to go see her a couple of weeks ago b/c she never changed her mailing address so some of her mail still come to the apt. We invited her to dinner and she said yes but then emailed and said that she couldn't b/c her mother needed her b/c she is still grieving over the loss of her brother. She said that she wants to see us but she has to wait for things to calm down first. Which sounded very cryptic to me. I don't really know what to do.. I know that she has been abused, physical, mentally,emotionally, and possibly sexually by her family and they have a very strong hold on her so she may think that she has to do what she's doing in order to keep her family. Unfortunately, I have a degree in social work and I've worked with young adults like her. So I am apprehensive to close all doors to her, just in case I am right and she is being abused by her family and she will eventually want and need our help. But the fact still remains that she still lied and betrayed us by having being with Ted. And that hurt both Jim and I so deeply. This is really difficult for me b/c I do love her and I want to try to help her but she won't let me. I don't know how to let go, so this doesn't consume me and so it doesn't hurt so much but leave a door open, just in case I am right and she really does need help down the road. I am not the type of person to abandon someone if they are in need, especially someone I love but I can't let it take over my life either. How do I find balance and closure without slamming and bolting the door? I'm sorry if my thoughts are all over the place. I've been trying to figure this all out on my own and failing miserably. This is hurting Jim as much as its hurting me b/c we both love her and we don't understand the sudden drastic change in her behavior.. What worries us even more is how sad she looks and the bruises that we see on her and how nervous she is.. We can't force her to tell us what is going on so all we do is worry. We keep hoping that when we move, which will be in a month or so, she will realize that she has a true safe haven and maybe tell us the truth about what is going on, let us help her get her life back on track. I know its probably a stupid pollyannic hope, at best. Hence, you see my dilemma.. My mind is all over the place... I'm a jumbled mess of mixed emotions. If someone can sort this out, you would be a miracle worker. Thanks DjembeDrummer